Hey, remember when everybody thought the world was going to end on December 21st, 2012? And some people really thought the world was going to end, and they focused their whole lives on getting ready for it? You should remember that, it wasn’t that long ago. Oh, and there was an episode of Wife Swap about it (not that you should, but if you wanted to, the episode might be on YouTube and it might be TOTALLY WORTH IT). Come on, you guys totally remember this.

But you know who definitely remembers this? Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt. They remember it so well because they wasted all the money they earned from being dumb because of it.

Here’s what Spencer himself had to say about his behavior in the months and years leading up to December 21st:

“We made and spent at least 10 million dollars. The thing is, we heard that the planet was going to end in 2012. We thought, we have got to spend this money before the asteroid hits.

“Here’s some advice, definitely do not spend your money thinking asteroids are coming. But the world didn’t end.

“I would give my friends $15,000 for their birthday. Just cash. I would buy people cars. Every valet I met got a couple of hundred pounds tip. I would pay people $200 just to open doors for us.”

I love how he said that they “heard the planet was going to end.” It seemed like most people who thought the world was going to end were a lot more adamant about it, you know? Like “the world is ending, prepare for the end times, this is definitely, 100% for sure happening!” But Spencer and Heidi just heard about it somewhere, I guess. It must have sounded pretty legit to them.

But guys, please heed Spencer’s advice and do not spend your money thinking asteroids are coming. If you can take one thing away from this whole story, please let it be that.

This is what Heidi Montag looks like, for any of you who were wondering what thirty grand worth of plastic surgery would look like five years post-op.

What a great investment, huh? What kind of return are you getting on this shit, huh Heidi?

From Us Magazine:

Kristin Cavallari’s baby shower looked like a mini-Hills reunion.
The pregnant 25-year-old — who wore a black maxi dress and several gold bangles — was feted by former MTV costars Stephanie Pratt, 26, Heidi Montag, 25, and Spencer Pratt, 28, at a private residence in West Hollywood, a source tells Us Weekly.

“Kristin was glowing and gorgeous. She looked so happy!” a source says of Cavallari, who entertained about 30 guests. “Guys were there, too. It was co-ed.”

Stephanie Pratt and Heidi Montag sighting at Catherine Malandrino Maison Restaurant on May 01, 2009 in West Hollywood.

Attendees were treated to cupcakes and a three-tier sponge cake by Pink Salt Event Cuisine, in addition to being served cocktails. “It was like a fun party,” the source tells Us. Petals L.A. provided the flowers.

And that? Is what Heidi Montag‘s been up to. Hopefully now we won’t have to talk about her for at least another year, huh?

… Can we do that again, please?

Color me stupid, but I almost fell off my chair when I read that Heidi Montag is only twenty-five. She’s only twenty-five. That means she was practically a CHILD when she had all this crazy plastic surgery. Man, what a shame. What an even-more-of a shame.

Wow. So yeah, Heidi Montag turned twenty-five and celebrated her quarter-century on earth in Las Vegas, where she pretended it wasn’t difficult for her to stand up straight with those things while making eye contact with her “peers.”

In honor of Heidi’s 25th, I’ve compiled a gallery of photos from when she looked normal. Amazing, all that plastic surgery and it did nothing for the girl. Living proof here that some things really are just better left alone.

Whoooaaaaa! Did you feel that? That was the Earth settling contentedly on its axis, as all the Cosmos shrug: Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag are flat broke. Or at least, that’s what the couple reports in a piteous new interview.

But perhaps they are also a little older, a little wiser? Hmm.

Spencer illuminates how the couple blew their meager fortune:

My whole million-dollar wardrobe—I would never wear that again. They’re props. Everything we were doing, we were buying props. I bought a big blue monster truck just to drive it on The Hills for an episode. Never drove it again.

Yep. And by the way, said truck was sold last month, to the tune of… $5,500. Oh, boy. Now the couple is living rent-free in Spencer’s parents’ vacation house.

Heidi, duly wistful about her plastic surgeries:

Obviously I wish I didn’t do it. I would go back and not have any surgery. It doesn’t help. I got too caught up in Hollywood, being so into myself and my image. I don’t regret anything, but if I could go back, I wouldn’t do it.

Spencer, on the couple’s foolhardy pursuit of fame:

Everything we were doing, in retrospect, was a mistake. The second we continued on our quest for fame was a mistake. This isn’t a business. That was the big thing I didn’t get: Reality TV is not a career. Anyone who says, ‘Oh, you can have a career in reality’—that is a lie.

Ah, hubris! Thy name is Spencer:

What we learned is: You can be too famous.

NO, SPENCER, THAT IS THE EXACT OPPOSITE OF WHAT—oh, never mind. Sigh.

So I don’t know if you guys heard or not, but Heidi Montag is supposed to be starring in a new reality show alongside The Bachelor‘s Jake Pavelka, the social (but way hotter) equivalent to Spencer Pratt. It’s supposed to be something about a bunch of tools opening a restaurant, but I have a feeling that it’s going to be way more than something that simple. You’ll all have to fill me in, because I’m certain I’m going to have better things to do – like re-oiling my dutch oven or something.

Check out Heidi in the gallery, and try to guess the ages of the various pieces of plastic that her body is comprised of. Maybe we can start our own catalog – now wouldn’t that be some real fun?!

I know a lot of you are probably all like ‘Who the fuck cares?’ but I’m actually wondering if this is more of a publicity stunt than anything. A story came up in one of my RSS feeds today, claiming that Spencer Pratt was injured in a hiking accident in Wales this past week, and is in critical condition. The article alludes to head injuries, comas, and the possibility of death. It even shows a blurry photo of a man on a stretcher that may, or may not, be Spencer Pratt.

However? When I investigated this further – checked out some of the major newspapers in both the UK and the US, asked around to some of my sources, no other information came up. Like, at all.

The source of the story states that Pratt suffered severe injuries after a fall, and though he was found quickly, his condition remains very unstable. The report also insinuated that Heidi Montag fell, too, and was injured in the accident.

So, I don’t know. I guess I’m not going to hold my breath on this one, because it could pan out to be nothing more than a rumor, an elaborate scheme on Spencer and Heidi’s part to pull their names back into the spotlight, or the third option, that it’s true. I mean, bear in mind, today IS April Fool’s Day after all.

What do you guys think?

And from this photo,we’re supposed to feel all sorts of horrible for Heidi and her violently scarred and marred face and send gifts – in the form of traveler’s checks – to Heidi and Spencer’s compound in Costa Rica. Or, you know, send them even if you think Heidi and Spencer are complete shitbags anyway, because it’ll keep them occupied outside of US soil for a bit longer.

A year after her plastic surgery, Heidi has run out of money a feature story in Life & Style magazine, where she dishes on her mangled body including:

” … a series of unsightly scars, red inflammation and uneven body parts including: a 2-inch-long raised blemish under her chin from her chin reduction, two caterpillar-size bald spots along her hairline from a brow lift, a horrifying jagged line behind her ears from having her ears pinned back, lumpy legs and four spots left on her lower back and below the buttocks from botched liposuction, a bright-red mark inside her right nostril, uneven boobs, a stretched [sic] mark on her chest and deep scars around her nipples from a second boob job.”

So apparently it’s news that excessive plastic surgery = chronic suckitude. Guess I’ve been out of the loop on that one … how ’bout you guys?

I hate you for being the overexposed reality stars that you are (and yup, I’m totally aware that I only contribute to the absurdity by writing about you), I hate you for helping young adults to think that life on The Hills is what real life is actually like, and I hate the way that you so shamelessly fuck the media in public, and at every opportunity that you can muster.

This “divorce” that the two douche asses have been talking about as of late? Yeah, total confirmed BS obviously. Heidi and Spencer, famewhore and famewhorette respectively, were caught frenching at the Santa Barbara zoo yesterday for Heidi’s birthday. And, you know, if it were any other couple on the face of the earth (say like Megan Fox and Brian Austin Green) that were reconciling, I’d be like, “Aw, damn, see? True love always sometimes wins out — even in the face of alimony.” But no. Not these two. I actually hate the fact that they’re getting back together or “seeing each other,” or whatever other 7th grade status label they’re going to affix to their relationship for the public eye. Because that’s what it’s all for — the public eye. And I hate it. And I hate it most of all because it means that I’m probably going to continue writing about these two talentless schmoes until they finally do drop off of the radar, and thus continue to do my part in perpetuating the self-absorbed filth that they peddle.

This is very bad news for me, and for mankind in general.

Heidi Montag, formerly Spencer Pratt’s programmable blow-up doll wife, has decided that she wants to downgrade her big old titties from the rumored-fabled G-cup to a more demure, realistic DD or D-cup. All I gotta say about that?  ”Oh, brother.”

Why, you’re wondering, is Heidi having such a change of heart? Apparently, a myriad of reasons, including the fact that they ruined her life and marriage (Ruined her marriage? Callin’ BS on that one.), she can’t hug her dogs, can’t wear anything but custom-made clothing, and can’t work out, which is the ultimate deal-breaker, because Montag claims she’s “obsessed” with fitness.

I’m stoked that Heidi is coming to some sort of silicone-induced realization, but you cannot tell me that there wasn’t someone who must have — at one point or another — said to Heidi, “Girl, you look like a fucking idiot.” Because if they didn’t? They were lying. And they were enablers. And they were probably “friends” planted by Spencer.

Whatever, Heidi. Do your thing, if you want to take the flotation devices out and get on with your life, have at it. Just quit making a spectacle of your body. It was just fine before you started fucking with it, and I don’t think there’s any rational person who’d state otherwise.

From TMZ:

We’re told Heidi has agreed to listen to Vivid Entertainment honcho Steve Hirsch when he arrives in Costa Rica to make an offer on the footage … some of which is said to contain girl-on-girl action with Playboy Playmate Karissa Shannon.

We’re told Heidi wants Hirsch to provide her with the sales numbers on Kim Kardashian’s sex tape — which was also released through Vivid — because Heidi may be interested in working out a “back-end deal” if Steve can’t offer enough cash up front to satisfy Montag.

None of this news should come as a surprise. Heidi is notorious for knowing how to stretch her fifteen minutes, and it wouldn’t be too shocking to find out that this is all an extension of the plan that she’s clearly made with Spencer to stay relevant. You can talk a lot of trash about someone like Heidi Montag, but there’s something to be said for someone who can recognize that they’re a parrot and a moron and chooses to sit back and take direction. She’s a hell of a lot richer than most of us will ever be.