2Heidi Klum Isn’t Engaged To The Help Yet, Still Just Banging Him

Heidi Klum started screwing the help after her kiss from the rose that is Seal ended a couple of years back, and rumours have been rampant that the very Scandinavian life-saving duo are engaged since they’re both walking around with rings from Tiffany & Co lately. Still, don’t be so sure – Heidi basically said they’ve got the rings because she and Martin Kristen are rich and have nothing better to spend money on, NOT because they’re planning to walk down the aisle anytime soon.

From Yahoo! OMG:

“There’s no engagement. I did get a present from my boyfriend. He did give me a ring and he has the same.

“I am not engaged. I am not planning to get married anytime soon. It’s just a beautiful piece of jewelry. Just something nice.”

“I am happy. It is always hard to find the right partner and you just never know in the beginning.”

I don’t know why that strikes me as funny, but I love Heidi Klum’s suspicion about her partners. You never know in the beginning? What, like, if your partner is a homicidal maniac? Anyway, you heard the woman: no wedding yet.

May 3, 2013 at 12:30 pm by Jennifer

3Heidi Klum Is a Hero, Saves Son and Nannies From Drowning

Uh, what the hell, Heidi Klum? Out at the beach with her kids and nannies, the supermodel and Project Runway host’s 7-year-old son Henry and the two nannies were caught in a rip tide. Lucky for them, she’s a bit of a superhero and managed to save them all from the waters.

From Entertainment Tonight:

“We got pulled into the ocean by a big wave. Of course, as a mother, I was very scared for my child and everyone else in the water. Henry is a strong swimmer and was able to swim back to land. We were able to get everyone out safely.”

Damn – good on you, girl. Well, and boyfriend/bodyguard Martin Kristen, who was also on the scene. Too bad Seal wasn’t around, yeah? He’s a pro in the water. Get it? Seal? Water?

Ugh, I’ll show myself out. More photos of Heidi’s rescue over at ET online!

April 2, 2013 at 12:30 pm by Jennifer

8Oh So You Mean Heidi Klum is Fornicating With the Help?

Heidi Klum was yesterday’s guest on Katie Couric’s new show, Katie, and remember how Seal was all pissed off that his not-yet-ex-wife was “caught” fornicating with the help? Well apparently, Seal’s not-yet-ex-wife was fornicating with the help. From the mouth of Heidi:

“He’s been with our family for the last four years. He’s cared for our entire family, mostly for our four children, helped us tremendously. I trust him with my children’s life. He’s a great man, you know, and we just got to know each other from a completely different side. It [the relationship] just started.”

The “he” in question is Martin Kristen, who is Heidi’s personal bodyguard, and yes, they are f-cking. Heidi says about Seal’s accusations:

“Yes, he [Seal] has a very unique choice of words. I’m used to them. I don’t know. I don’t love that. Obviously, it’s not true. I’ve never looked at another man while I was with him. And it’s hard when you think that he thinks that, you don’t know … he was hurt … He’s moved on. When we separated he’s moved on and so have I. And it’s very hard when you start seeing somebody again, you know. All of a sudden. It’s hard then when everyone is watching you. It’s almost like you can’t have a real proper chance in a way. And I do want to date again. I’m turning 40. I don’t even know where it’s [the new relationship] going to go.”

So Seal was all pissed off when he found out that Heidi had moved on so quickly, and threw her under the bus. Then, when confronted by Heidi, Seal changed his tune, saying, “Yeah, no, Heidi didn’t cheat on me (that I’m, like, aware of), and what I meant is that she didn’t wait to move on ’til we were officially divorced.” But last I checked, neither did Seal, so … Whatever, Seal. Just whatever.

September 13, 2012 at 10:30 am by Sarah

2Seal Wants You to Know That Heidi Klum Never Cheated on Him

You guys. Hush. Heidi Klum, never, not once, cheated on Seal throughout their whole entire marriage. What a horrible thing to say. Why would you even think that? Oh, because that’s what Seal told us this weekend, that “the answer” to the question that’s plagued us all – why did this perfect love fall apart? – is that Heidi didn’t “show a little more class” and didn’t even wait “until we separated first before deciding to fornicate with the help.” That’s why we thought that.

And even though Seal’s claim seems pretty straightforward, it’s not. We’re all a bunch of dummies for misunderstanding Seal, and now Seal’s rep has to set us all straight:

After remarks Seal made during an airport interview regarding his estranged wife Heidi Klum and her bodyguard Martin Kirsten were picked up far and wide this weekend, a rep for the British singer issued a statement to PEOPLE.

“Seal would like to clarify that he was not implying his wife was cheating on him while they were together,” said the statement. “But rather he was pointing out that they are separated and the divorce is not final so they are legally still married.”

I understand that this poor rep here is just trying to calm everyone down, but yeah, that’s the silliest statement I’ve ever read. Seal’s original statement was very clear, and after he accused Heidi of cheating, he said “I guess you all now have the answer you have been looking for for the last seven months.” There’s really no other way to interpret that, is there?

And I do understand the point that this statement is trying to make, but I think it just makes things worse. Now the idea is that Seal is not a man who was devastated by his beloved wife’s decision to have an affair, he’s a douchebag who feels the need to comment on every dude his ex gets with after him. He wasn’t being catty to the woman who cheated on him, he was just being a total dick. “Fornicated with the help.” Honestly.

And on top of everything else, how am I even supposed to listen to “Kiss from a Rose” now without feeling nauseous?

September 3, 2012 at 4:30 am by Emily

5Seal Is Sad That Heidi Klum is “Fornicating with The Help”

But really, that’s a thing that Seal actually said. Like, in real life. Seal is claiming that Heidi Klum destroyed their marriage because of her decision to “fornicate with the help.” Good lord.

Let’s back it up though for a minute, all right? There are these new pictures of Heidi on a beach with her bodyguard of four years, Martin Kristen. And they were playing around with her kids, and, like, sitting next to each other and stuff. In one of the pictures, the guy went in for a one-armed hug. You know, very serious, very racy stuff. And please keep in mind that Heidi and Seal announced their divorce in January. But hey, what a whore, right?

But according to Seal, yes, what a whore, indeed. He says it in a more passive aggressive way, but it’s pretty obvious what he’s getting at. Here, just read what he said:

“That’s what happens when two people separate, they move on and generally meet other people in their lives,” Seal, 49, told TMZ as he arrived at Los Angeles International Airport.

“I certainly don’t expect Heidi to all of a sudden become a nun. But as always my main priority is the emotional well-being of my children, and to be quite honest if there is going to be someone else there in their lives there, I would much rather it was a familiar face,” the singer said.

Added Seal: “That’s the only thing I would have preferred. Whilst I didn’t expect anything better from him [the bodyguard], I would of thought that Heidi would have shown a little more class and at least waited until we separated first before deciding to fornicate with the help, as it were.”

As for what might have caused the end of their marriage, he said, “I guess you all now have the answer you have been looking for for the last seven months.”

I don’t know, ever since I saw those photos of Seal waving around his hands and wearing yellow fingernail polish to highlight the fact that he wasn’t wearing his wedding ring anymore, I find it hard to take him seriously. When news of this couple’s divorce was just starting up, one of the most prevalent rumors was that Heidi was leaving because of Seal’s temper. And really, anyone who actually uses the phrase “fornicated with the help” seriously probably has some issues that they need to work on. So yeah, I’m still leaning towards that theory.

Also, I hope Heidi has a super time with her new partner in fornication.

September 1, 2012 at 2:00 pm by Emily

4Heidi Klum Takes It All Off (Again), Might Take Seal Clubbing

No! I know. She’s definitely not taking Seal clubbing, but I wrote the headline because I’d just finished reading some PETA propaganda about seal clubbing, and it’d stuck with me—at least the part where they talked about “seal clubbing”—because I had all intentions all day long to write this piece about Heidi Klum and Seal, and when I went to go write the headline, the seal-clubbing thing was like, “BAM! HERE I AM!” and it stayed.

But anyway, we all pretty much agree that Heidi Klum is one special flower of a lady, right? And we’re pretty glad that she’s done with Seal, especially if he was as narcissistic and childish and self-involved and volatile as some reports pegged him to be, yeah? Because after you read this new interview from Allure, you’re sure to love her persona more—but you might be a little concerned that her relationship with Seal isn’t exactly over.

On whether she and Seal will get back together:

“I don’t know! Time will tell. I’m still in the eye of the storm now, and it’s a little bit crazy. But sometimes you need to be apart in order to figure things out.”

On The Divorce:

“It’s hard, just like for other couples. People go through our trash cans. It’s crazy. And you know, we have four kids; they have to go to school.”

On using gay friends to understand Seal, maybe:

“They are like this kaleidoscope of interesting thoughts and opinions. They teach you so many things about men that are useful.”

On her marriage to Seal:

“You know, I wouldn’t change anything. If I had to go back in time and say, ‘I should have changed this or that…’ No. I don’t resent anything that ever happened. Things just turn out the way they turn out…. I’m still in the eye of the storm now, and it’s all a little bit crazy. But sometimes you have to be apart in order to figure it out.”

On being realistic about plastic surgery:

“Ask me again when I’m 65, but…I’m proud to be able to say, in this day and age, I haven’t done anything. Everyone has a view of what’s pretty and what’s not pretty, and [surgery] just doesn’t look pretty to me. Especially when I see it on really young girls. I don’t want to name names, but it’s like, Wow, I remember you five years ago, looking to me so beautiful, and now it’s like… who is this person? And I know girls half my age who do it. What are they gonna do at 40 or 50, when the s-h-i-t really hits the fan?”

Wait, did she really spell “shit”? Because if she did, that’s awesome, and I wonder if it’s because she has kids. See, my husband and I were out with some friends this past weekend, and to give you a little background information on our household unit, there’s a whole laundry list of words that we don’t say in front of our daughter (and our son, too, though he’s only two months old and doesn’t really understand a whole lot, unfortunately) because even though I’m Snarky Gossip Writer who can use the word f-ck in ways that don’t even make sense sometimes, I think it’s really important not to swear around children and subject them to things, ideas, and words that are generally negative, aren’t appropriate, and can’t be understood, because a four-year-old can’t grasp certain notions and shouldn’t be parroting things they don’t understand.

“Hate,” for example, is a blacklisted word. We just don’t say it in front of the kids*. If we need to convey it, we spell it. Example: “I h-a-t-e those cats across the street who constantly poop in the garden, because honestly, I’m sick of digging feline feces out from underneath my fingernails.” We spell it, because it’s unnecessary for her to hear it and use it in the wrong context, because come on. I don’t really hate cats (OK, so maybe I do), and there are better words to use anyway. So, yeah, we were out, and my husband was talking to one of our friends about something really stupid and boring-awful like mutual funds or whatever, and out of the corner of my ear, I hear my husband say, “Oh, man, I h-a-t-e that,” and I almost died laughing. Like, he’d spelled out the word “hate” to another adult when there were children present. And if that’s Heidi’s thing, too, I automatically have to like her just because SAMESIES.

I just hope girlfriend doesn’t take Sleazy Seal back, even if they were a cute couple.

*Yes, I do realize that we won’t be able to spell around the kids forever, and I’m just going to have to deal with that, but for now, this is what works.

April 16, 2012 at 12:30 pm by Sarah