Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Halle Berry

I Feel Like Humans Have an Unnecessarily Long Gestation Period

Pregnant Halle Berry and Boyfriend Gabriel Aubry at Whole Foods, Grocery Shopping, Pictures, Photos

Halle Berry has been pregnant forever. The only person who was pregnant longer was Bridget Moynahan. Bridget Moynahan was pregnant for two full years. I mean, I’m not exactly a doctor — I’ve been told I do a thorough job of self-medicating, which I choose to take as a compliment, if not as a full license to practice medicine — but seriously, people, what the fuck is happening in there over all this time? I’ve seen one of those things after they come out. They can’t do anything. They’re blobs. Why do people want these things? You’re producing a low-functionality product with outrageous variable costs, zero trialability and an extremely high switching cost. If I tried to pitch babies to my marketing professor in business school, he’d have laughed me right out of the classroom. (Instead I went with high-end dog food and garnered a B. Fucker. There’s a market for it.)

With the amount of time those mini-humans spend in other people’s stomachs, I’d expect them to at least come out and be able to pass a high-school biology test on the digestive system. But they can’t even write. I mean, you can get a full freakin’ masters degree at University of Phoenix in nine months, right? Someone needs to start some manner of in utero classes. Teach those little blobs something while they’re in there. Pipe in Women’s History. Everyone wants to get that credit out of the way early.

Here’s Halle Berry, 18 months pregnant, shopping at Whole Foods with her insanely hot boyfriend, Gabriel Aubry. I can’t look at Gabriel Aubry because he makes me need to have a boyfriend that looks just like him right this goddamn second. We need to clone humans so that we can clone Gabriel Aubry. That’s my scientific opinion. Someone get me in front of Congress to talk about this, stat.

You Wanker, There Is No Other News!!!

Halle Berry Pregnant with String Cheese

Look, guys, I found something on the Internets today that’s not about Britney!!!

A very pregnant Halle Berry rocks the string cheese in LA.

When I first saw this pic, I thought it was a tampon in her hand. But, no, it’s just string cheese.

Ooh, that could be kinky … or stinky. Can you imagine going to the hospital trying to explain why you’re emitting a strong odor because there’s a tiny bit of molding string cheese stuck in your vaginal cavity? I swear, every time I think of something weird and kinky that could be done in the bedroom, my next thought is always, “Well, what would the corresponding hospital visit look like?”

Why am I even talking about this? Back to Britney.

I’m Giving Halle Berry a Pass on This Whole Jewish Nose Thing

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In case you haven’t heard about it yet, you can read about Halle Berry and her Jewgate here. Basically, she went on Leno, showed some Photoshopped picture of herself with a really big nose, and said it looked like her “Jewish cousin.” (The “Jewish” part was removed from the broadcast at Berry’s request.)

As a member of the Tribe, I get to give people passes for shit like this. And I’m giving Halle Berry a pass. I really don’t think she meant to be offensive.

Even the Jews over at Page Six went easy on her:

Berry, 41, who sounded like she was near tears, told Page Six last night: “I so didn’t mean to offend anybody – and after the show I realized it could be seen as offensive, so I asked Jay to take it out, and he did.”

The gorgeous actress, who is 4½ months pregnant with her first child, by boyfriend Gabriel Aubry, said, “What happened was I was backstage before the show and I have three girls who are Jewish who work for me. We were going through pictures to see which ones looked silly, and one of my Jewish friends said [of the big-nose picture], ‘That could be your Jewish cousin!’ And I guess it was fresh in my mind, and it just came out of my mouth. But I didn’t mean to offend anybody. I didn’t. I didn’t mean any harm.”

Berry, who even offered to call Page Six’s source and apologize in person, said, “It was just a lighthearted segment that was meant to make fun of myself. There was a picture where I said I looked like Monica Lewinsky and one where I said I looked like Jay. It was just supposed to be a silly segment. I am so sorry, and I apologize.”

Anyway, I think she’s genuinely sorry, and, you know what, Jewish noses are funny sometimes. If Jerry Seinfeld had made that call, you would have laughed.

You’re still okay in my book, Halle.