Halle Berry has been pregnant forever. The only person who was pregnant longer was Bridget Moynahan. Bridget Moynahan was pregnant for two full years. I mean, I’m not exactly a doctor — I’ve been told I do a thorough job of self-medicating, which I choose to take as a compliment, if not as a full license to practice medicine — but seriously, people, what the fuck is happening in there over all this time? I’ve seen one of those things after they come out. They can’t do anything. They’re blobs. Why do people want these things? You’re producing a low-functionality product with outrageous variable costs, zero trialability and an extremely high switching cost. If I tried to pitch babies to my marketing professor in business school, he’d have laughed me right out of the classroom. (Instead I went with high-end dog food and garnered a B. Fucker. There’s a market for it.)
With the amount of time those mini-humans spend in other people’s stomachs, I’d expect them to at least come out and be able to pass a high-school biology test on the digestive system. But they can’t even write. I mean, you can get a full freakin’ masters degree at University of Phoenix in nine months, right? Someone needs to start some manner of in utero classes. Teach those little blobs something while they’re in there. Pipe in Women’s History. Everyone wants to get that credit out of the way early.
Here’s Halle Berry, 18 months pregnant, shopping at Whole Foods with her insanely hot boyfriend, Gabriel Aubry. I can’t look at Gabriel Aubry because he makes me need to have a boyfriend that looks just like him right this goddamn second. We need to clone humans so that we can clone Gabriel Aubry. That’s my scientific opinion. Someone get me in front of Congress to talk about this, stat.