Goldie and Kurt were photographed in New York City this weekend. Goldie’s 67 years old and Kurt’s 61 years old, which means that they’ve spent almost half of their lives as a couple. Isn’t that so, so nice?

This is what Goldie Hawn looked like last night (sorry, this morning – I’m told that she stayed well into the night and didn’t split ’til almost 5 AM) after leaving Annabel’s Club in London, where she … well, she wasn’t eating crumpets and drinking tea, that’s for damned sure.

The thing is, though, that I’m not going to come down on Goldie for appearing to be completely shellacked in the face of seventy years. Nope. Because she’s Goldie Hawn, and this is what she’s been specializing in for, what, fifty years? This is the kind of stuff that keeps the lady alive, and if she feels that compulsion to go out and get hammered every once in awhile (even if she is of legal retirement age in the US), she’s well entitled to it.

Goldie was out celebrating something for the Hawn Foundation, which is an organization in place to help kids be kids and, you know, thrive:

The Hawn Foundation seeks to help transform children’s lives by providing them with opportunities to acquire vital social and emotional skills, to improve academic performance, enhance the quality of their lives, and help others in their community. We support research studies conducted by university associated social scientists and neuroscientists and develop evidence-based educational programs for children, such as MindUP™, using cutting-edge scientific research on the brain and social emotional learning. The Hawn Foundation is committed to helping children lead confident, happy, and successful lives. We also assist educators to create supportive learning and social environments that effectively address children’s mental and physical wellbeing while nurturing the growth of creative, reflective habits of mind.

Oh! I see. And apparently smoke pot. Lots of pot. Does anyone smell the pot just emanating off those words? Who the hell even wrote that, the spiritual gangsta herself?:

But honestly. All innocent ribbing aside, isn’t Goldie just fabulous? Still? Seriously, no matter what this lady does, she can do no wrong. Other than that whole “birthing and parenting Kate ‘I only date musicians’ Hudson” thing, she’s completely golden in my book. Ha! Did you get that? Yes? Golden? OK, good.

Last, I’d be a liar if I didn’t hope (entirely, wholly) that the night out in London wrapped up something much like this:

Because really, what involves Goldie Hawn that’s much better than that? Love you, girl!

“She’s been pulled so tight, they say, that when she swallows she has an orgasm.”

—Joan Rivers gives David Letterman the inside scoop on Goldie Hawn’s plastic surgery.

Oh gosh. When I read this, I screamed. I literally screamed. It’s gems like these…! I’m telling you, there’s a reason Joan Rivers is America’s second-best living insult comic. (As for Melissa Rivers? Well, I am forever grateful to her for signing my Los Angeles Avengers Arena football.)

But Joan wasn’t done, going on to insinuate that Betty White slept her way to the top.

“She is known in the business as ‘Bendover Betty,’” Rivers announces. Letterman looks genuinely embarrassed. Come on, Dave! I thought everyone knew, at least in her prime, Betty White was a man-eater on the prowl. And—while you wouldn’t guess it from her Password appearances—Betty White will do nudity. Will she ever! She is a sex panther! My last boyfriend slowly worked his way through the 2011 Betty White pin-up calendar, and all I can say is, yowza.

Elsewhere, Rivers admitted she pulled a Whitney Houston joke from a recent episode of E! Fashion Police:

“Once somebody’s dead [we pull it],” she said, “That’s why I won’t do a Betty White joke, because I’m so scared.”

Bam! Pow! If I were Betty, I’d be terrified of Joan Rivers.

For the past few weeks, I’ve noticed an alarming new trend in Hollywood – hats.  I know some of you may say that it’s wintertime, and people need to keep their head parts warm, and I agree.  However, I would tack on the end of that agreement that ageless adage of “if you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for anything.”  And I’m taking a stand for the outlawing of stupid ass hats that make you look like you scalped an animal.

Peruse the gallery to check out photos of spiritual gangsta Goldie Hawn morphing into a troll doll, Vanessa Hudgens proudly displaying whatever her latest kill was, Pink mocking the plight of the pandas, and Christina Aguilera in a pair of nearly acceptable but misguided earmuffs.

Let’s take a stand, you guys.  Unless you think it’s cute.  Then whatever, you’re part of the problem.

I love Goldie Hawn. She’ll just show up to the most random shit and be like “Look! I’m here! I can’t make any guarantees as to what my mouth will be doing at any given time, but, then again, neither can my daughter! Do you like what I’ve done with my breasts? Does anyone here have weed?”

This was the Elephant Parade Auction in London, which benefits a hospital or something else that needs benefiting.

Elizabeth Hurley showed up as a perfect foil. Elizabeth Hurley is the most beautiful and perfect person on the planet and Father Time will not do anything to change that because her billionaire husband acquired him in a recent merger and keeps him in a basement and makes him watch The Englishman Who Went Up a Hill But Came Down a Mountain on a loop all day every day.

Also there: Princesses Beatrice (the skinny one with the anime eyes) and Eugenie (white dress, no further comment).

The 63-year-old poses for an un-retouched photo shoot at the Dubai Film Festival.

Although they never did get married, Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell have been together since 1982, which is way longer than, like, any Hollywood marriage ever. The two were spotted biking in NYC on Sunday.