Surprise! It’s Gary Busey! He’s reaching out of your computer screen and going for your pockets! Don’t let him grab your credit cards, or you will be in a world of hurt!

LOL, but really, Gary Busey is in a crazy amount of debt:

Gary Busey — who’s starred in more than 70 movies — has less than $50,000 to his name … and more than $500,000 in various debts … this according to official documents obtained by TMZ.

67-year-old Busey filed for Chapter 7 bankruptcy in California yesterday. Busey checked the box showing he has less than $50,000 in assets … and somewhere between $500,000 and $1,000,000 in various debts.

In the docs, Busey indicates he might owe money to everyone from the IRS … to various lawyers … UCLA Medical Center … Wells Fargo … L.A. County Waterworks Districts … and a storage company.

He also notes that he might owe money to a woman named Carla Loeffler, who sued Busey for allegedly attacking her at a Tulsa airport back in May.

A rep for Gary tells TMZ, “Gary’s filing is the final chapter in a process that began a few years ago of jettisoning the litter of past unfortunate choices, associations, circumstances, and events.”

But Gary Busey, you crazy bastard, how could you be broke? You just did Wife Swap and that sweet ass Kia commercial, you should be swimming in cash! Not to mention your recent acting work in several sure to be inspired films such as Guido and Piranha 3DD. What happened, buddy?

In other Busey news, he’s launching an online reality show this month titled The Busey Zone. Heaven help us all.

The future begins right now, you guys. Are you ready for it?

Way back in September, we told you that there was an unbelievably magical episode of Celebrity Wife Swap in the works in which Gary Busey‘s fiancée and Ted Haggard‘s wife switched places. It was glorious news, because … I mean, come on. Ted Haggard is an evangelical pastor who was caught in a huge scandal involving meth and male prostitutes (he’s since come out as bisexual, just in case you wondering about it), and Gary Busey needs no further introduction. How could this not be the best thing anyone has ever seen?

Answer: it was the best thing that anyone has ever seen. Gary spoke about how he fought at the Alamo and was a witch burned at the stake in a former life, and he also said many more words. I’m sorry, you guys, it’s just that when Gary Busey speaks, there’s no way to describe it. There’s no way to paraphrase it and retain all that glorious meaning, you know? You’re just going to have to catch it for yourselves, or take a gander at that marvelous little clip I left up there.

Just in case that clip got you in the mood for some more delightful wife swaps (on television, you guys. I can’t help you if you’re considering the alternative lifestyle, all I can do is offer you my support), here’s a full list of what we have to look forward to with this season of one of the most wonderful reality shows that has ever come to pass:

• ’Growing Pains’ star Tracey Gold switches places with Wilson Phillips singer Carnie Wilson
• Flavor Flav switches places with Twisted Sister frontman Dee Snider
• Pro wrestler Mick Foley switches places with Antonio Sabato Jr.
• Niecy Nash switches places with ‘Family Ties’ actress Tina Yothers

The one with Tracey Gold and Carnie Wilson has already aired, but I missed it because I CAN’T DO EVERYTHING, OK?! But I heard it was a solid episode that made Carnie Wilson look kind of bad. The rest of the episodes though, we have those to look forward to, so that’s something, right?

Personally, I can’t wait to see the episode with Flava Flav because, um, hello? Flava Flav is almost as dependable as Gary Busey when it comes to delivering flawless, batshit crazy lines and looking insane. A different kind of crazy, sure, but crazy nonetheless.

Are there any couples you can think of that you might have liked to see swap wives? I only ask because I’m willing to write letters to anybody necessary to ensure a quality season two of Celebrity Wife Swap. So far I have Katie Holmes switching places with Michelle Duggar. What else?!

When fading celebrities do low-budget commercials for local car dealerships, it’s usually funny to me.

And don’t get me wrong, these ads are funny, too, but good grief, it’s Gary Busey. Gary-freaking-Busey. Oscar-nominated Gary Busey.

And I mean, sure, that nomination was a little while ago, OK, but “Scare up a Kia with Gary Busey in Houston”?!

(more…)

Do you understand how much I hate my job right now? It’s like I’ve been transported through the looking-glass to an alternate dimension where I can’t make any jokes, one where reality is stranger than fiction, one where Ted Haggard and Gary Busey will appear on the same episode of Celebrity Wife Swap. And where does that leave me? GOBSMACKED AND JOKELESS.

Pastor Ted Haggard—right, that’s the one—will send his unconditional wife Gayle off to spend some alone time with actor Gary Busey. Yikes.

Mr. Busey himself is a born-again Christian, as well as a longtime member of Promise Keepers. And while he isn’t currently “married,” per se, he has a son with actress Steffanie Sampson.

In the meantime, Steffanie Sampson, who is three years younger than Jake Busey, is totally a CERTIFIED MASTER HYPNOTIST, according to her IMDb profile!!! (Yes, I realize that actually means “hypnotherapist,” but I so want her to also be a mentalist and psychic.) I can’t wait to see her with Pastor Ted!

Image via NY Daily News.

Any celeb willing to call Paris Hilton a “pathological liar” during an interview deserves our love and admiration. Even if he is a nutjob.