Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Fred Willard

Fred Willard’s Been Officially Axed

photo of fred willard pictures
From the Chicago Tribune:

ABC has canceled Willard’s improv comedy series “Trust Us With Your Life,” less than two weeks after Willard was arrested for allegedly committing a lewd act in a Hollywood adult theater.

An individual familiar with the situation told TheWrap that the cancelation was unrelated to Willard’s arrest. Indeed, the series’ ratings suggest that no other rationale was needed to ax the show. After inauspicious premiere numbers, the series eventually dropped to a 0.6 rating/2 share in the 18-49 demo most important to advertisers, the week after Willard’s arrest.

The two remaining episodes have been pulled from the network’s schedule.

Interesting, right? You know, that part about the show’s cancellation having nothing to do with the indecent exposure charge or whatever it is that he was nailed with. Because come on. What other reason would they have to cancel this show when there are shows like Once Upon a Time on the air? No, Fred’s definitely been thrown under the theoretical hammer (of love), and he’s been throttled and and pulled and stretched to an almost obscene breaking point. The results were, after all, kind of anti-climactic, because I think everybody expected things to explode this way, and then what’s left? An oozing puddle of a lengthy career that’s just had every last bit of its worth squeezed out for all to see.

Poor Fred, you know?

Quotables: Fred Willard Talks Public Penis Pilgrimage

photo of fred willard pictures

“You know, let me say this: It’s the last time I’m going to listen to my wife when she says, ‘Why don’t you go out to see a movie?’ … I went in and realized I was the only one awake and sober and conscious. It’s very embarrassing. It’s embarrassing as hell, [but] nothing happened. I did nothing wrong. Everything is being sorted out as we speak. My summary of the whole evening was it’s an interesting theater, a boring movie and a great place to take a nap.”

Oh Fred Willard. You’re just so happy that your name is back in all the headlines that you’re probably sporting wood as we speak.

This was Fred’s PG response when asked about the incident on last night’s Jimmy Fallon show. Fallon obviously asked the inevitable, and this was Fred’s answer (along with some quips about which movie he saw—like ‘Free Willy’ and ‘Get Shorty’ LOL). I guess it’s safe to say that, despite being fired from PBS, Fred’s pretty much forgiven for this whole arrest thing, huh?

Generous Porn Company Offers Fred Willard A Computer

A photo of Fred Willard

After poor Fred Willard was caught masturbating in an adult movie theater, everyone had the same exact thought: has Fred Willard never heard of the internet? It’s pretty common knowledge that a large chunk of the internet is devoted to porn, isn’t it? Even my dad, who still isn’t too clear on how to sign into his email account that I helped him set up, maintains that since he knows how to play solitaire and how to look at porn, he doesn’t need to learn anything else about computers. Everyone knows how quick and easy it is to watch your adult entertainment online.

But, just in case Fred wasn’t aware, the lovely people at YouPorn wrote a very sweet letter to him, offering to buy a computer, install it for him, and teach him the ropes. How very kind!

Here’s the letter in full:

Dear Mr. Willard,

We are so very sorry to hear about your recent run in with the law at the Tiki Theatre,  and getting  caught with “your pants down”.  We can imagine that all of this press has probably been quite embarrassing for you.

We are very impressed that at your age you still have such a strong, and healthy libido Fred! That’s why we wanted to educate you a little more on some of society’s newest advances to help you achieve orgasm from the privacy of your own home!

First there is our website, youporn.com which is found on a place called the “internet”.  Some people say that former Vice President of the United States, Al Gore invented it, (but that’s a whole different discussion). The website can be accessed through a machine called a “computer” and it’s connected these days via a cable modem that’s provided by your local cable company.  The computer has a television monitor attached to it so you may view any adult related material in the privacy of your own home!  Also, a side benefit of owning a computer is that you can actually communicate with other people, but many of our members don’t choose to do that.

Our website is 100% free and features thousands of video clips of people having sex.  Every niche you can imagine is featured on youporn.com.

We’d like to buy you a home computer and have one of our youporn.com representatives come to your home to install it for you now that you may have some downtime. We’d also  love for you to join the millions of  fans who “come” on our site daily,  and possibly become our new spokesperson.

Best Regards,

Corey Price

What a lovely gentleman, right? It’s so good to know that there are still truly generous people in this world!

An Update on Fred Willard’s Masturbatory Scandal

A photo of Fred Willard

Listen. Listen. I LOVE Fred Willard. I love him to death. Roseanne, remember? He was Leon’s completely lovable husband, and that was enough to make me love him forever, no matter what he does with his penis in public.

I’m obviously on Fred’s side here (like Sarah said yesterday, why is it so bad that someone gets his discrete masturbation on in an adult movie theater?), but it looks like the rest of the world isn’t. Here are a few developments that have happened since the story broke:

- Fred got fired. He’d been filming a show on PBS called Market Warriors, but yesterday afternoon, PBS decided to let him go. They’re already working on a new version of the show, and they won’t be airing any of the finished episodes featuring Fred.

- Meanwhile, Fred is saying that he didn’t do anything wrong. His lawyer released a short statement: “With all due respect to the individual officer, our belief is that Fred did nothing in any violation of any law. We will be working vigorously to clear his name in this matter.”

- TMZ caught up with Fred himself yesterday, and when asked about the arrest, he said that it was “a big misunderstanding,” that “a strange situation” led to him being in the theater in the first place, but that things were “being straightened out.” He also said that “it didn’t happen.”

- But if it DID happen, there’s a pretty good chance that it wouldn’t be considered illegal. Apparently, public masturbation is only illegal in California if it’s done around people who could potentially be offended. That sounds like a strange law, but I’m sure Fred’s lawyers could make a solid case that any visitors to a porn theater wouldn’t likely be offended by what Fred did.

And there you have it, friends! I bet you never expected to hear this much about Fred Willard’s penis, but now here we are, just spoiling you with information! What a wonderful world, right?

Fred Willard Was Busted for Public Masturbation

photo of fred willard pictures hands photos
First of all, ew. The guy’s 72 years old. And yeah, I realize that 72-year-old men can still get it up (in most cases), and often don’t have the lady company that, say, a 52-year-old man might, and they have to, quite literally, take matters into their own hands, but God. Gross. And he *does* have a wife, Mary, to whom he’s been married for just about forty years.

Fred Willard, if you don’t know who he is, is most notable (to me, at least) from his cameos in two of my favorite shows, ‘The Golden Girls’, and ‘Murder She Wrote’, but he did a lot lot lot more than just those. Seriously. This guy’s comedy career has spanned as many decades as he’s been married, dating way back to ‘Get Smart’.

Anyway, Willard was quite literally caught with his pants down at The Tiki Theater in Hollywood, where movies like ‘Step Dad #2′ are played. If I have to be blunt, it’s a nudie pic theater.

As TMZ put it, Willard’s penis was “exposed and in his hand.” LOL But seriously, what do they kind of expect to happen in places like this? For people to walk in and watch these movies for the sheer art of the film? For the snazzy production design? For the amazing acting? No! They’re in there to get their rocks off, and while, yeah, I think it’s gross and disgusting that this dude was flogging Molly in public, and that places like this even exist, it’s like opening a free-pizza shop in the middle of a third-world country, allowing patrons to come in and watch the pizzas being made, but not being able to eat them. Honestly, what the hell is that shit? What do you expect to come out of this (no—no. Don’t answer that, OK?).

One way or the other, ew. Fred Willard, you should know better. It’s not like you’re a hobo off the street or something, come on.