Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Evan Rachel Wood

Everyone is Pregnant!!!

Evil Beet Gossip new writer Bobby Pfeiffer pregnant photos, picturesHello world!

My name is Bobby and I will be your new celebrity gossip writer as of the beginning of February. I know that you are going to be ruthlessly critical, and I expect nothing less. Until recently, I, too, used to tear apart celebrities and authors alike in the comments, but consider yourselves warned! To get this job I had to bribe and coerce and blackmail people, and when that didn’t work, I sent Sarah a severed horse head, so no funny business.

Just kidding. I am, in fact, quite harmless. My specialties include photography, rock and roll music, and kittens*, and my goal for this year is to somehow manage to work the word idempotent in a sentence. It also happens that I am in a sort of a Jessica Simpson situation at the moment – not even nine months after I had my first baby, my husband went ahead and knocked me up again. This very much leads me to the theme of my very first post for Evil Beet – pregnant celebrities!

photos of Busy Philipps Malin Akerman Jessica Simpson Amber Rose pregnant picturesSo without further ado, here’s a list of 12 celebs who will be procreating at various times this year (in no particular order):

1. Evan Rachel Wood

There was no love lost between Evan and, well, almost everyone on Evil Beet so far, but I like the gal ever since I saw her in Thirteen. She is expecting her first child with husband Jamie Bell sometime in the Summer.

Photo of evan-rachel-wood-sundance-portrait-image pictures2. Kristen Bell

The sloth-loving Kristen Bell is preggers with her first child from Dax Shepard, and if crying uncontrollably at the sight of sloths isn’t a good enough reason to like her, Kristen is also outspoken on issues like same sex marriage and animal welfare. She’s due in the Spring.

Photo of Kristen Bell pregnant pictures, photos3. Amber Rose

Model Amber Rose is expecting a very laid back (and possibly tattooed) child with Wiz Khalifa, and is ready to pop any minute, forever changing the the way her vagina photographs.

Photo of pregnant Amber Rose

4. Jenna Dewan-Tatum

I don’t have any idea who she is, but they say her husband is hot so there you go.

5. Holly Madison

Former Playboy bunny/stripper/reality star Madison, known mainly for her utter lack of style, is expecting a girl in March.  For the delivery, she’s rumored to either wear a mustard yellow floral nylon dress, or nothing.

Photo of Holly Madison pregnant6. Kate Middleton

Her Royal Highness the Duchess of Cambridge had a rough first trimester but she seems fine now, unless you refer to the latest portrait of her, in which case she doesn’t.  I really hope Kate puts on some weight during this pregnancy; it makes me feel uneasy watching her right now.  She looks … sort of malnourished.  Or maybe I’m just jealous because I know I’ll turn to a whale long before I reach full term.  A Great Blue Whale.

Photo of Kate Middleton baby bump7.  Sophie Dahl

Dahl is pregnant with her second child, but I have a feeling that despite of being Roald Dahl’s granddaughter and a former plus-size model, many of you might not consider Sophie a celebrity.  If that’s the case, let me remind you that she was on the cover of Vogue, like, 500 times, and that makes her at least more famous than you and I.  Besides, you gotta love how much taller she is than her husband.

photo of sophie dahl pregnant

8. Busy Philipps

I LOVE Busy. She is so pretty and real, and she always steals the show even though she’s not necessarily in the A-list headlines all the time.

Photo of Busy Philipps pregnant9. Peaches Geldof

This here British celebrity who is famous for being famous is going to have another baby boy, and oh! god. She intends on naming him Phaedra.  Let us all roll our eyes on a count of three.

photo of peaches geldof pregnant10. Malin Akerman

No, Malin wasn’t impregnated by French-kissing Tom Cruise -she is expecting in June by her legitimate husband who, presumably, put a bun in her oven the conventional way.

Photo of Malin Akerman pregnant11. Jessica Simpson

I suspect that Jessica actually learned the trick of getting pregnant so soon after giving birth from Britney, but then again Jessica’s fiance is quite cute and I don’t see why the hell not.  Jess is going to have a boy.

Photo of Jessica Simpson pregnant12. Kim Kardashian

And finally, the worst, most terrible celebrity couple, Kimye. Typing this nauseates me, so I’m just going to give you a funny picture of Kim and leave it there.  There’s nothing much to say about it anyways, except maybe to loosely quote Chelsea Handler who predicted that, considering its parents, this baby will be “tanned and very hairy.”

Photo of Pregnant Kim Kardashian

*I’m sure you’ll be missing Emily’s kittens so I promise to post photos of mine as often as I can.

Photos courtesy of Just Jared, Glamour Magazine, and Splash News.

Evan Rachel Wood is Pregnant if You Care

photo of evan rachel wood esquire shoot pictures
From ERW‘s rep via Us Magazine:

“Evan Rachel Wood and husband Jamie Bell confirmed that they are expecting their first child later this year. The couple is thrilled.”

Hm. Evan Rachel Wood, somebody’s mom. Still kind of processing this, but then again, I’m still kind of processing the idea that Evan Rachel Wood used to have sex with Marilyn Manson—I don’t quite know if I’ll ever be able to get past that, to be honest. But seriously, though? Let’s have a look at this—is it really wonderful news that someone who acts this narcissistic on camera (in a personal circumstance, nonetheless, not a professional one) is maybe going to devote her life to a tiny little baby?

I don’t know, guys. I could be way, way off base, but there’s just something about Evan Rachel Wood that rubs me the wrong way, and that probably just won’t change.

But hey! Congratulations, girl! Exciting things!

Evan Rachel Wood Says Miley Cyrus Has Lesbian Hair

photo of miley cyrus evan rachel wood lesbian hair pictures
Because of course she did. This is what Evan Rachel Wood does—alienate people and perpetuate stereotypes (no, I don’t know if that’s what she really does as in she makes a habit of it, but that’s what she did this time, and it was pretty f-cking rude if you ask me). This is what ERW had to say on Twitter about Miley’s recent hair-chopping endeavor:

“I called it! Miley Cyrus is leaning toward gay.”

Of course, people predictably freaked out and said all sorts of things about Evan Rachel Wood and about the pot calling the kettle a lesbian or whatever else, and naturally, Evan went back to the Twitterverse and claimed that—of course, duh—people took her all wrong and that she was just kidding about the whole thing:

Ok. To be clear. I believe you should be able to joke and have a sense of humour about everything. And I hate explaining, but just to be clear, I don’t judge people on how they look. Nor do I associate a hair style with sexuality.

And then, this:

I myself am bisexual and have always ‘joked’ about Miley giving me gay vibes. Not a bad thing! Just an observation. So I ‘joked’ when she cut her hair that it supported my case. But, I am not so close minded or into stereotypes or labeling. It was a joke.

(Yes, funny joke—let’s say that someone’s of a particular sexual persuasion one way or the other BECAUSE HAIR. Come on. I have short hair. I’m not a lesbian. OR AM I, EVAN RACHEL WOOD?)

Cripes. And after all was said and done, ERW concluded with this gem:

I could (not) care less what gender she was attracted to. But don’t hate me for supporting her in whatever she chooses. It’s all fine by me.

Miley then supposedly followed Evan on Twitter, and Evan took that as a sign that Miley probably wanted to hook up (or not; maybe she’s kidding about it). Oh, and that it’s pretty much in our eye if we were offended that Evan would *jokingly* classify Miley as a lady-lover because she’s got short hair:

Now Miley Cyrus and I are friends. Let this be a lesson to all of you.

I dunno, guys. I’d say “Once an idiot, always an idiot,” but I think I’d be wasting my breath, because really, to say that would be redundant, and honestly, kind of a moot point as it were.

What a pain in the ass.