Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Eva Mendes

Eva Mendes: Looking Good!

56883266dg32200964420pm

You guys I am in the WORST MOOD right now!

I have been trying to track down some documents I need for my taxes, and Jesusfuckingchrist banks are a NIGHTMARE to deal with. All I want to do is talk to a person! But I first have to punch in all this information about myself and then get passed around to three different people (and repeat ALL my information for EACH ONE of them) after waiting on hold for 15 minutes and being assured repeatedly by an automated voice that Washington Mutual is soooooooo psyched about merging with Chase (LIARS!) and then being asked every two minutes if I want to take a fucking survey. TRUST ME WASHINGTON MUTUAL YOU DO NOT WANT ME TO TAKE YOUR FUCKING SURVEY. I now have a raging headache and I want to smoke crack because that’s the only thing that I can imagine will relax me at this point. Grrrrr. Is it really THAT HARD to streamline this shit? IS IT??? I’m going to start my own damn bank, and here is our governing philosophy: “Once you give your information over the phone to one of our associates, we will use ‘modern technology’ to pass that information on to everyone else you’re transferred to, because it is absolutely insane that you should be asked to repeat this information over and over again now that we have the ‘Internet.’” I’m so pissed right now I can’t even write.

But I’m a professional! So here’s Eva Mendes looking much more put-together than WASHINGTON MUTUAL’S CUSTOMER SERVICE at the Dolce & Gabbana show in Milan. Also there: Scarlett Johansson and Kate Hudson, both looking like crap. Freida Pinto’s a middle ground.

I am going to go find crack to smoke now.

Yummy!

Scarlett Johansson and Eva Mendes both look positively edible at the launch party for The Spirit in London on Thursday.

Scarlett in particular looks younger and happier than I’ve seen her look in forever. Did she have work done — or is marriage just treating her really, really well?

I’m Too Sexy for American Television

Here’s the new Calvin Klein ad featuring Eva Mendes, and, for just a second, Eva Mendes’ nipple.

It’s been banned in the U.S., because nipples will corrupt our children. Seriously, the biggest problem facing today’s youth? Nipples.

Anyway, CK’s probably getting more exposure for this damn perfume by having this commercial banned than they would have if it actually aired. The only time I’ve watched commercials during the past five years is when they’re on YouTube or during the Super Bowl. I don’t think I’ve watched live TV since, like, Dawson’s Creek was still filming new episodes.

Eva Mendes: Sober and Shopping

eva_shopping.jpg

Here’s newly rehabbed and, coincidentally, newly A-list celeb Eva Mendes doing some shopping at Calvin Klein.

I think it’s funny, because the public never really knew Eva had a drinking or drug problem, because she wasn’t a big enough star for the press to be dogging her every drunken exploit, a la Lohan or Kiki Drunkst. But now that’s she’s actually been in rehab, you better believe the paps are waiting with bated breath to catch her relapse on tape.

Ironic, isn’t it?

I wish you all the best, Ms. Mendes.