Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Eva Mendes

Ryan Gosling is Probably Going to Marry Eva Mendes Now, Sorry

photo of eva mendes pictures
From Us Weekly:

After nine months of dating, Eva Mendes is ready to take things to the next level with beau Ryan Gosling.

“She starting to think about marriage and kids,” says a Mendes pal. “She loves serious relationships, and she wants all of that.”

Luckily, Eva has an ally in Gosling’s mom, Donna, who is just as eager to see her son settle down. “Eva hit it off with Donna immediately,” explains the insider. “Now they text and email all the time!” So, naturally, when the actor went to Ontoario to watch his mom graduate from Brock University on June 6, Mendes was by his side.

Says the pal, “Eva and Donna just get along really, really well.”

You know, some of you guys have speculated that Eva is already carrying Ryan’s baby. Some of you (and by “you,” I mean “me”) think that a marriage is probably just right around the corner, because Ryan doesn’t strike us as a date-around kind of guy who’s interested in playing the field. Some of you (again with the substitution thing) think that Eva’s not even remotely good enough for our boy, Ryan, but unfortunately, there’s something that’s keeping his attentions drawn and his penis wired.

My guess is that it’s either babies, or there’s a whole lot about Eva Mendes that we don’t already know. And in either case, I’m pretty disappointed that, of all Hollywood beauties, Ryan would ultimately end up with Eva Mendes. I mean, she’s pretty and all, but it’s like … I don’t know, and anti-climax or something. It’s the crappy, joke, pre-gift that you get when you’re twelve and you’re expecting something big and grand and you definitely know that you got it but the gift-giver wants to make you wiggle and squirm and torture you with the idea that you definitely got something that was not as good as what you’d hoped for. That’s Eva Mendes. She’s the ultimate anti-climax.

… Yet aparently, there’s something to her, so we may as well get used to the idea that Ryan could be toting around a Mrs. Eva Mendes-Gosling for the rest of our days on earth.

Hell’s bells.

Stars Without Makeup: Even More Reason to Dislike Eva Mendes Right Here, Guys

photo of eva mendes pictures
I know: you guys are thinking, “God, as if I needed another reason, Sarah?”

These are photos of Eva Mendes being all domestic and shopping for things like flowers and Pyrex baking dishes, and I could completely vomit at how beautiful her stupid face is even without its stupid makeup on. It’s like, come on. Stop bragging, Eva. We already know you’re beautiful as it is, and we already know how damn lucky you are because you get to sleep next to (oh, and with) Ryan Gosling night in and night out, and now you really have to go and stick in our faces how lovely your face is first thing in the morning? I guess it’s all that Ryan Gosling-sex, you’re right. If any of us woke up next to Ryan Gosling in the morning, we’d probably look this good, too. You make a good point.

Also, I happened to notice that girl’s got eggs, flour, and bagged frozen fruit in the basket, so I’m going to surmise that she’s going to bake her man, Ryan Gosling, a fruit cobbler. And I have just THE BEST recipe for fruit cobbler, and it’s been tested. Recently. I made it last week, and it was so amazing that I had to fight with myself (almost physically) to not eat the entire thing. It was that. good.

So, you know, Eva, if you’re looking for some tips on how to bake a man-catching cobbler, just, you know, give me your passcode to Ryan’s house and I’ll whip it up nice and good for him. I definitely won’t be telling you how I’m totally planning on changing the code once I’m in so that you’re unable to barge in and interrupt what’s sure to be a lovely night of cobbler and candlelight (and I just bought the most darling taper candles), accusing me of sabotaging your plans and stealing your ideas, because really. Where would that leave me, then? I’ll tell you where: on the shitty side of a restraining order, duh.

Your Daily Gosling

[Image removed on request]

Damn. Damn, damn, damn. See, we’d gone almost an entire thirty days without seeing new photographs of these two walking next to one another, and I’d almost begun to trick myself into thinking that Ryan had up and dumped Eva because she was pressuring him to have babies.

Here we have photos of Ryan and Eva departing from LAX yesterday afternoon, presumably jet-setting to somewhere fabulous like Thailand or France or Spain to enjoy the carnal pleasures of one another. And all insubstantial jealousy aside? These two are … God, they’re so hot. The two of them. Eva is so effortlessly chic and fashionable and hot, and Ryan is so mysterious-looking and handsome and hot AND looks like he smells positively amazing.

I don’t care for Eva Mendes much—and I think I’ve made that pretty clear in the past—but I just can’t deny anymore that there’s got to be something to this … this lady. There’s got to be for Ryan to be allowing her to hold onto him for this long, anyway.

[Images removed on request]