When I tell people that I’m an Eminem fan, they’re always like “really?” Probably it’s because most of my music consists of showtunes or somebody playing a guitar and singing his heart out and when I hear anything more intense than, say, Marina and the Diamonds*, I cover my ears and hum to myself like the borderline autistic girl that I am. But I like Eminem!

To celebrate this man‘s 39th birthday, I – what else? – compiled some of my favorite music videos of his. Happy birthday, Marshall!

*I am exaggerating here, but only a little.

And it’s not even really that good (alright, you caught me: it’s actually fucking awful), despite the fact it tried to slam two of today’s most obnoxious celebrities. I know Em‘s trying to continue making a career out of poking fun at his classmates, but hey. You might consider it worth listening to at least once. I, myself, got about forty-five seconds into it before I rolled my eyes and x’ed out of YouTube.

Anyway, the song’s not that great, and even though I don’t care for her, I thought it was shitty and SOOO 2009 to call Lady Gaga a “male lady,” but hey. This is what Eminem thinks he does best, isn’t it? Am I looking to far into this?

Well, you can’t. You could have followed a fake Halie Jade Mathers, who was working under the handle @Angry_Blonde, up until yesterday, but the account has been taken down and been revealed as a hoax.

What was there was pretty good, though: Attractive photos of a teenage girl, and some pretty philosophical and interesting Tweets (“People were created to be loved. Things were created to be used. Ironically, in reality, things are being loved & people are being used.”) that I wish could have come from the mind of the real Halie, who is a high school cheerleader and pretty much off the radar all together.

Below is a gallery of the fake Halie Jade and see a photo of the real Halie Jade at the end, who (unfortunately) is the spitting image of her mother Kim.

And BTW, while we’re on the subject, I really respect that Eminem has seemingly worked hard to keep his daughter out of the spotlight. I get the vibe that she’s very much a normal high school student who isn’t overly influenced by her father’s wealth and fame. Who would have thought that the little girl whose father rapped about going on murdering sprees would look like the girl from the trailer park next door?

Eminem – Syllables feat. Jay-Z, Dr. Dre & 50 Cent by ChasinDatPaper

The new track features Dr. Dre (hello wicked awesome high school memories), 50 Cent – who I have kind of deplored since ‘In Da Club’ and ‘P.I.M.P.’ – and Jay-Z, king of modern rap as we know it.

A lot of critics claimed that the track appeal itself might be overshadowed by so much big-name talent, but me? I think, though there are many, many nuances of this song, that it’s classic Em and I’m content to love it just for that fact – also, I’d still totally have a zillion of Eminem’s babies.  I’m sure that has something to do with it, too.

Remember a couple years ago when making a list of “25 Things” that no one knew about you was all the Facebook rage? Well, US Weekly has just caught on to that trend and they’re having celebrities share their secrets. Martha Stewart’s list is… hilarious…

1. I tend to keep a light on near my bed when I sleep (about four hours a night) so I can write notes or do work when I wake up.

2. When I travel, I like to bring my own fresh lemons, just in case they don’t have them on the plane.

3. Some of my fondest memories of childhood were sitting at the kitchen table eating white onion sandwiches.

4. I only beat my father at Scrabble once.

5. I just finished writing my 76th book.

6. When I first wake up, before the sun rises, I say hello to all the animals on my farm.

7. I have four horses, 200 chickens, two sheep, three miniature donkeys, five cats, three dogs and 25 red canaries, and I’m a beekeeper.

8. I’m not a big fan of fragrances in anything — that’s why Martha Stewart cleaning products are fragrance-free and color-free.

9. This past Thanksgiving was the first time I didn’t make my own turkey. I went out to a restaurant with my daughter and friends.

10. I love the Yankees.

11. I like baking more than cooking. In fact, I have a new baking series, Martha Bakes, airing on Hallmark Channel in January.

12. When I was a young girl, I helped my brother trap muskrats in Nutley, New Jersey.

13. I recently tracked polar bears on a working vacation in Northern Canada.

14. I have a very dry sense of humor.

15. If I wasn’t doing this for a living, I’d be a teacher or maybe a veterinarian.

16. My favorite home-cooked meal is scrambled eggs.

17. I love Eminem.

18. I paid for my college education by modeling.

19. I am most comfortable in jeans and a work shirt.

20. One person I would love to meet is Barack Obama.

21. I do yoga every day for an hour.

22. I’m perfectly happy with a liverwurst sandwich.

23. I’m a closet tech geek. I’m obsessed with my iPad, my Droid and my new Samsung Tablet.

24. I have over 2,040,000 Twitter followers.

25. I listen to lots of rap music in the studio of The Martha Stewart Show [which airs on Hallmark Channel at 10 A.M.].

First of all, I worship Martha Stewart, so reading little fun facts about her life kind of fills the void of not being her actual Facebook friend. Secondly, Martha loving Eminem comes as no shock to me for some reason. Same with her love of rap music. I can so easily imagine Martha getting down on some thug shit that it actually concerns me.

Even though Eminem is known for his impressive word usage in his songs, he’s not much of a reader.  In fact, he’s only ever read one book from cover to cover.  Was it one of the Twilight or Harry Potter books?  Perhaps Upton Sinclair’s The Jungle? Maybe some book he read back in school, like Flowers for Algernon or Where the Red Fern Grows?  Perhaps …

But no.  The only book Eminem’s ever read is LL Cool J’s book, I Make My Own Rules, and even though he’s not that into books, he’s “always been good at English and I always had a lot of words in my vocabulary.”

I don’t mean to sound like some kind of reading elitist, but that makes me sad.  Books have given me so, so much, and to think that this guy’s only read LL Cool J’s autobiography just hurts.  Besides, think about how awesome it would be if Eminem could toss in some clever literary allusions in his songs.  I know it would make me smile.

I’m thinking of compiling a reading list for Eminem.  So far I have Where the Red Fern Grows (I don’t know why I keep thinking of this book for him, but there’s something there) and maybe Flowers in the Attic, just for funzies.  What would you guys recommend for Eminem?

The music video for “Love the Way You Lie,” Eminem’s song with Rihanna that you’ve probably heard a couple dozen times if you listen to the radio, was released last night, and it’s already got a lot of people up in arms.  The video, which features a relationship between Megan Fox and Dominic Monaghan, plus Rihanna singing in front of a burning house and Eminem rapping out in a field, tells the story of your average incredibly toxic abusive relationship:  Megan and Dominic take turns being violent, then they make out, then the cycle repeats.

The worry seems to be that the video will make domestic violence seem sexy, what with Megan Fox being involved and all the intense kisses that happen.  Personally, I don’t get that from the video.  No matter how sexy a kiss is, if it comes after a dude punches a hole in the wall right next to your head, it’s probably not the best plan.  Likewise, no matter how attracted you are to your significant other, if things are so abusive, it’s not going to work out well for anyone, and I think the video makes that extremely clear (spoiler alert:  everyone but Rihanna ends up on fire).

Another worry is Rihanna’s role in the video and the idea that her own history with domestic violence is being exploited. Rihanna disagrees:

“It’s something that, you know, [Eminem and I have] both experienced, you know, on different sides, different ends of the table. It just was authentic. It was real. It was believable for us to do a record like that, but it was also something that needed to be done, and the way he did it was so clever. He pretty much just broke down the cycle of domestic violence, and it’s something that a lot of people don’t have a lot of insight on, so this song is a really, really powerful song, and it touches a lot of people.”

So what do you guys think?  Do you have a problem with the video and the message it sends or do you think it’s powerful (not caring is an option too)?

According to E!, Megan Fox is “thisclose” to starring in Eminem’s new music video, “Love the Way You Lie,” which is a collaboration with Rihanna for those of you who don’t listen to Eminem.  That’s pretty neat, I guess – I haven’t listened to Eminem since “Superman,” and I don’t care much for Rihanna – but guess who else is already going to be in the video?

Dominic Monaghan!  Or Charlie from Lost or one of the adorable hobbits from Lord of the Rings. It doesn’t matter, because no matter what you remember him from, he’s going to be undeniably, preciously out of place in an Eminem video, and I cannot wait to see it.

And if Megan does appear in the video, she and Dominic will have some “really intense” sexy scenes.  Amidst Eminem’s rapping.  Why has this not happened years ago?

Critical reaction to what I have casually termed “The Greatest Musical Event of All Time” has been, shall we say, mixed. In general, reviews of Recovery have applauded Eminem’s lyrics but panned the production. I don’t even know what “production” means. And when I lived in LA I slept with a lot of dudes who worked “in production” and I don’t think they knew what it meant either, other than that it meant they were going to take my 21-year-old, 110-pound body to the studio where the “production” took place and then have sex with it.

What were we talking about again?

AH YES THIS ALBUM.

It’s fucking brilliant on like a bazillion levels. It is an album of recovery from the death of a best friend, lost suddenly and senselessly. It is an album of recovery from a near-fatal addiction to alcohol and drugs. Most importantly, it is an album of self-recovery, the internal monologue of a man realizing that his genius is enduring and inherent, that the genius was not built upon the drugs. It’s an emotional journey and Eminem captures every instant perfectly.

I’ll quote my long-ago ex-boyfriend’s recent Facebook status update:

3 Days into #Recovery by @Eminem. #Eminem, #Greatestrappertoeverlive, #bestrapalbumever, #everyoneelseintherapbusinesslooksfoolish

DEAD ON.

And this is the dude who seriously thought I was going to orgasm with him while Dave Matthews Band was invading my ears and my vagina. You’ve come a long way, baby.

Anyway. “Cinderella Man,” my fave, is up top, and “Seduction,” another fave, is after the jump.

If you watch The Soup, you’ve already seen this pretty funny sketch that Eminem did with the show’s host, Joel McHale and if you haven’t seen it, you’re in for a treat. In the clip, Eminem asks Joel to come over and help him with his DVD player and things get a little bit awkward.

Since he’s been out of the limelight for so long, I forgot how hilarious Eminem is and that he actually can pull off a little bit of comedic acting. Seems obvious given his jab-packed raps, but that sort of talent doesn’t always translate. He’s no Justin Timberlake, but the guy can tell a joke.

“I think if two people love each other, then what the hell? I think that everyone should have the chance to be equally miserable, if they want.”

- The notoriously homophobic Eminem says he supports gay marriage in a new interview.

I cannot fucking wait until the new Eminem album is officially released so that I can talk to everybody about how fucking goddamn brilliant it is and you’ll be able to agree. Not that I’ve been listening to it over and over again for a week now or anything. It hasn’t been released yet — how would that be possible?

Seriously, though, y’all. It’s good. I have a special place in my heart for rap, and this album just blows everything else out of the water. And I’m actually someone who liked Relapse. In fact, I loved Relapse. I thought Relapse was the most emotionally intense album I’d heard since the early days of Tori Amos. I still listen to Relapse and feel like I’m living it with him. I listen to it and it feels like he’s plucking thoughts out of my own head and playing them back to me, amplified. It hurts to listen to that album.

It hurts more to listen to Recovery, because so much of the album focuses on Eminem’s recovery not only from drugs, but from the death of his best friend Proof. I’d go so far as to say the recovery referenced in the album title is as much about Proof’s death as it is about sobriety. But this is a journey of a man who was beat down on so many levels, beat down by a drug addiction, beat down by the death of his best friend, beat down by what he perceived to be the loss of the talent he’d come to use to define himself. “I’m back!” he announces at the tail end of the track “Talkin’ to Myself,” and he says the words in a playful way, not an angry way, and it means something. He’s not back and ready to knock some skulls. He’s back and he’s immensely grateful to be back, and it doesn’t mean he’s pulling any punches, but it does mean that he walked through every inch of the hell that was his life, he lost his connection to his genius when he lost the drugs that facilitated the connection, broadened it and sped it up, and then when he got that connection back, when he got it back, clean and sober, he was better than before.

He is a better rapper now than he has ever been before. He is a better rapper now than anyone out there on the scene. He has set the bar higher.

I can’t think of anyone who does anything as well as Eminem does rap. It’s like a spiritual experience to listen to an album like this, where every single word is so perfect, and a story is conveyed with such precision and creativity.

Recovery drops June 21 in the U.S. I suggest you get it. And then we’ll talk about it all day on here. HOORAY!

If you’ve somehow magically already heard the album (through some total legal means) and you want to chat with me about it, OMG I WANT TO CHAT WITH YOU ABOUT IT. Hit me up on my Twitter!!! LET’S TALK MARSHALL!!!