If you can believe it,
all is not well in the Lohan household.
On Thursday night, La Lohan met up with her mother, Dina, at an NYC restaurant to celebrate her mom’s birthday. By the time Lindsay arrived, Dina and four friends were already pretty smashed, and by the end of the first course, Lindsay and Dina were cussing at one another. Lindsay told her mother to “go to hell” and left the restaurant for the Calvin Klein party at 7 World Trade Center, and later closed down B8.
Her mother stayed at the restaurant, crying and text-messaging furiously for the next 45 minutes, and apparently made five trips to the bathroom, coming back sniffling each time. Sound like anyone you know? The waiters had to help her out of the restaurant four hours later, after she’d paid the $2000 bill without tipping.
Poor Lindsay Lohan. On the surface, it must seem really fun to have a mother who’s every bit as much of an alcoholic and cokehead as yourself, but deeper down I can see how it might feel dysfunctional, unstable and petrifying.
I’ve had approximately one billion hits with this search term, or a variation upon it, today. So okay.
Yes, Jason Wahler was arrested in NYC on September 1, a little past 4 am, and charged with 3 counts of bribery, criminal possession of a controlled substance, resisting arrest and disorderly conduct.
So, um, here’s what I assume happened:
1) LC’s ex-love bumped a few lines (of cocaine. Yes, people. Probably of cocaine. Are you happy now?)
2) He did some stupid shit. (Jason Wahler? You’re kidding me.)
3) The cops got involved.
4) The cops suspected and then confirmed that drugs were involved.
5) The words “Don’t you know who I am?” were spoken. Probably by both parties.
6) A bribe was offered. Thrice.
7) All bribes were rejected, Jason was arrested.
Update: Oops…He Did It Again!
Because if I can’t blog about the retarded shit celebs did today, the terrorists have already won.
- David Spade and Heather Locklear are dunzo; her latest boy-toy is a Colorado realtor with a striking resemblance to Joe Simpson. But I adore her, so I’m setting down my bat and walking away from the soft ball.
- Sean “Puff Daddy/P. Diddy/Diddy” Combs has to ditch the “Diddy” in Britain after a music producer there sues him over the name.
- Dana Plato’s son files a wrongful death suit againt the Diff’rent Strokes star’s former fiance. Time to update that True Hollywood Story, E!
- Black Eyed Peas singer Stacy “Fergie” Ferguson reluctantly admits to being on meth and Kids Incorporated. I’m pretty sure I know which one is more damaging to her image.
- For those of you who were staying up nights wondering, Lindsay Lohan’s stolen-and-returned Birkin bag had nothing missing. Except, you know, probably the drugs.
As long as we’re on the topic of people who’ve hooked up with Brad Pitt…
Kirsten Dunst put the coke back in her inhaler for long enough to talk to Britain’s News of the World about how lucky she is that she doesn’t do coke.
Seriously.
Listen to some choice quotes:
- “Jake and I couldn’t last. He’s a stay-at-home boy and I’m an out-on-the-town girl. We tried to spice things up — we had sex in cars, in the bathroom and even by the sea. The only place we didn’t have the guts to try was in a walkway in a hotel because we thought we might get kicked out if we were caught.”
- “Jake was the love of my life. He was, is and always will be. Despite what has happened, though, I still have this whole fairytale vision in my head because I was brought up on movies and storybooks that say I’m going to find my soulmate, get married and have a perfect life. Maybe one day that will be with Jake. Maybe I’m a weird girl and I just needed a good freak to match me.”
- Regarding the filming of her lastest movie, Marie Antoinette: “After filming I’d just go home and pass out. I’d have a glass of champagne, which I would never normally do. I mean, who drinks champagne before they go to bed?”
- “When I came off set it would be like a weight had lifted off my chest. You know, I’m lucky I’m not at some bar at night doing coke because I was so messed up.”
You know, Shakespeare had a quote about this sort of thing. Something about “doth” and “protesting.” I can’t quite recall the details. But either this Marie Antoinette movie is a real snoozer, or that Kirsten had a little help in getting her tongue untied, if ya know what I mean.
Ugh. I am, like, soooo late on the draw with this one. So a recap.
Lindsay Lohan’s Birkin was stolen at Heathrow airport, which was, like, recently the target of some manner of foiled terrorist plot, so it’s nice to see they’ve really driven security into high gear over there. Lindsay cried because if there’s anything that sucks worse than losing a Hermes bag containing over $1M in jewelry and your asthma inhaler, it’s losing a Hermes bag containing over $1M in jewelry and the rest of your cocaine. You’d cry, too.
Don’t panic yet, folks; the bag was recently found in a parking lot near Heathrow, after whoever stole it realized that it’s a lot harder to sell jewelry and a handbag on the black market when everyone in the nearest 19 countries knows you stole them from Lindsay Lohan this morning. But you know what tastes the same in every language? Yeah. Don’t count on getting that “inhaler” back, Linds.
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