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Doug Hutchison

Courtney Stodden and Doug Hutchison Do Funny or Die

And I am loving it, you guys, I am absolutely loving it. Well, except all that makeup on Courtney‘s boobs, that’s a little distracting. And I’m not making that up, right? She does use makeup to make her implants look bigger, doesn’t she? But anyway, I’m loving this video so much because it almost, almost distracts me from the fact that this is a married couple consisting of a 51-year-old man and a 17-year-old girl.

I was seriously watching this video, giggling every now and then because I enjoy Jason Alexander so, and it made me like Courtney a little because this made it seem like she was in on the joke. It made it seem like she was aware of how ridiculous she always looks, and even that she aimed to be that ridiculous. I actually thought “way to go, Hutchisons! Live your life and don’t worry about all those haters!” But then I remembered that the haters existed because these two are married in real life, and that’s disturbing.

Speaking of things that are disturbing, E! asked Courtney’s mom if she thought the Funny or Die clip went too far:

“They were not at all offended,” she told E! News. “Courtney is so funny, and with her sense of humor, and Doug’s too, they are able to be confident in who they are as people. They can take something and like it and laugh and be OK with it. They were the first ones to think it’s a funny thing.

“If someone spends the day with Courtney and Doug, they would win them over. They’re able to rise above everything. With Courtney, it flows off her back like water off a duck’s back. She’s so secure, she can take anything and look at the funny side. Criticism does not get her down at all.”

And, yet again, I am completely disgusted but completely unable to look away. Curse you, Hutchisons, and the spell you have cast on me!

Doug Hutchison Only Owns Two Shirts

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So, alright. That’s a lie, I guess. If you count the Santa outfit (that, I don’t know, may or may not have been a rental), he’s got three shirts, but the only one I ever see him wear is this stupid Amsterdam shirt. And that stupid beanie. And those dirty-assed jeans. Alright. So we’ve confirmed that Doug Hutchison actually only has ONE outfit, unless you’re counting that Santa getup. Which probably was a rental at one point, but was “donated” to Hutchison after he tried to return it with creepy, crusty stains on the interior lining.

Also, is Courtney Stodden cutting … the inside of her elbow? I mean, it seems like a strange place to bloodlet, but this is just a kid we’re talking about DESPITE the fact that she looks like a Real Housewife. But wait, now, hang on a second – before Demi Lovato goes and calls me out via Twitter for being a nasty little c-nt bent on destroying them fragile peoples one by one, I’m going to say, “Just kidding! It’s actually just what her vagina probably looks like from excessive spray tanning coupled with a general lack of patience for standing still and not tic-ing out for three minutes while the orange shellac dries.”

Finally, did you guys know that you can own your very own piece of Courtney Stodden? Turns out she’s auctioning off a pair of Steve Madden pumps on eBay. And they’re signed, too. Right now the current bid’s up to $127.50 (plus shipping, LULZ!), but don’t worry: you’ve still got 6 days to count your pennies for these shiny, sexy, Stodden stilettos.

Images courtesy of Socialite Life

Gee, Courtney Stodden, I Didn’t Know You Liked Books

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Hell, I didn’t even know she could read. I’m pretty sure they get into the really, really in-depth English stuff in the 9th grade, and I’m not sure she actually made it there (she was probably preparing for her bachelorette party or choosing wedding flowers or something), so unless the book is Go, Dog, Go! or Snooki’s latest monstrosity, I’m willing to bet her purchases didn’t exactly top the charts in classical reading. I mean, hell, you even need a reading level of grade 12 to understand Roots, so I’m not exactly giving her the benefit of the doubt here, guys.

I don’t know, though – maybe I should. Courtney here seems to be the master of alliteration, and to be that good requires a relatively strong, healthy vocabulary. Courtney would need a good, strong vocabulary to circumnavigate constant conquests of converging beyond constant, catty, completely cantankerous criticism closing in concisely around her. But COURTNEY CAN’T CAPITULATE.

Here are some of her most recent Tweets, and if this doesn’t kick your New Year off in the right direction, well, friends. You’re probably better off back in 2011 where Kim Kardashian‘s Kohl’s Kollection hit stores and people actually kared.

From Courtney’s Twitter:

“Soakin up my bikini bod in a very heated hot tub overlooking LA as my charming new guard flauntingly feeds me chocolate dipped strawberries.”

Right. And:

“Had such a vivacious adventure @ Venice Beach today. Now its time for this tasty temptress to tiptoe into 2012 – HAPPY NEW YEAR! Muah XOs…”

And of course, we can’t forget about how she spends her mornings:

“Placed outside on my patio –provocatively wrapped in a sheer white sheet while enjoying the morning shine & a savory berry breakfast. Muah!”

Lastly, what would life be like if we weren’t subjected to constant Tweets about her and her grandpa’s sex life?:

“Romance becomes restless as I angelically swing above the bed wearing nothing but wings! Sweet dreams XOs”

Each and every time girlfriend appears on my Twitter feed, I know that I’m in for a pleasant surprise, and incidentally, I have a feeling that 2012 is going to be her year. The Year of Courtney Stodden. The Year of the Classy, Beautiful Edge of Old Hollywood brought to you explicitly by Courtney Stodden. I mean, has anyone actually ever died of anticipation? This girl’s going to be the first victim.

My head’s positively spinning. Courtney Stodden’s already been so busy this year, you guys. What have you done in the last forty-eight hours that’s actually made any difference, huh?

The Top 5 Douchebags of 2011

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Yup, I spent the last few hours racking my brain over who the most obnoxious, most heinous celebrities were of 2011 and though there were probably, like, eighty-six I could have placed on this list (not including others from previous years that continue their douchebag reign well into the later parts of the decade), I decided on five.

#5 – Doug Hutchison
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I know. I know. Some of you guys probably have a soft little spot in your hearts for Doug Hutchison because he just seems on the outskirts of fame, sometimes brushing shoulders with it, but mostly being cast side-long glances by people who matter because he’s so on the fringe that it’s impossible to pull him into the mainstream. And he’d almost be a sympathetic character if he weren’t f-cking a teenager. Because I don’t care how “young at heart” or “hip” you are; statutory rape is statutory rape, even if it’s consensual statutory rape, and that’s just creepy, yo.

#4 – Michael Lohan
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There’s not really an explanation as to why Michael Lohan’s on this list. He kicks women in the cooter, is King Douchebag of the Lohan Clan, isn’t even tolerated by the most unstable Lohan, and was once married to Dina Lohan. Plus, he sucks at escaping police custody. Please. Doesn’t all of that give him a lifetime membership card to, like, be on this list for the rest of his time on earth?

#3 – Kanye West
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Kanye’s a drama queen. A drama queen who freaks out over projectile pieces of paper and a drama queen who compares himself to Hitler. Kanye thinks he’s God’s gift to politics, women, music, and the economy, and the only ones douchier than Kanye himself are his fans.

Jump in to find out who the top 2 douches of 2011 were!

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Blind Item: Which Reality Star Wanted A Threesome with Doug Hutchison and Courtney Stodden?

Tragically, I have no real guesses as to who this could be. Let me give you all the details, then you can let me know what you think:

This female two time former reality star who was married to another reality star/actor recently offered her services to Doug Hutchison and Courtney Stodden saying that she would make a great third to their “relationship.” They turned her down.

A lot of people are guessing Adrianne Curry on this one, even though she definitely appeared on more than one reality show (America’s Next Top Model, The Surreal Life, and My Fair Brady). I don’t know if that would be a total dealbreaker though, because everything else fits.

Personally, I think I’m too disgusted by the thought of someone wanting to be part of this creepy relationship. Could you even imagine? Someone apparently caught a glimpse of this enchanting dynamic and couldn’t help but try to be a part of it. Do you have any guesses for who this poor human being could be?

This Is Probably The Creepiest Thing You Will Ever See

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Yesterday, Sarah showed you a delightful gallery of photos of Courtney Stodden rubbing herself all over Doug Hutchison, who was dressed as Santa Claus. And it was horrible and a little nauseating but, as always, it was hard to look away.

Well, now we have the video of Courtney rubbing on Santa Claus. And it’s still a little hard to look away, but you might have to, depending on how sensitive your gag reflex is. Because this is the grossest, creepiest little video that ever was. This is the first time since our introduction to Doug and Courtney that I actually had to stop and look at something else because I felt too dirty and too uncomfortable to go on.

So what I’m trying to say is “you’re welcome!”

HO HO HO.

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Skanky brass-tone armband that’s disguising a nasty green stain in the shape of a skanky brass-tone armband? CHECK.

Over-worn, clear Lucite stripper heels that are *totally* appropriate for frolicking in the snow with Grandpa? CHECK.

OK, the thing is, here, that Courtney Stodden doesn’t look awful. The eye makeup is ultra toned down, and she doesn’t appear to have six pounds of Wet ‘n Wild Chocolate Cooter Crotch Sensation lip pencil wound around her mouth. Aside from the really overt inappropriateness of these photos, and the fact that I’m still wondering what the hell all those short hairs are atop the crown of her head (no, really, is she going for a Kate Gosselin cut? A mullet? Is her hair that short and the rest is just a budget weave?), the bottom line is that IT’S COLD. And YOU CAN TELL.