Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Dolly Parton

Did You Guys Watch Toddlers and Tiaras This Week?

I didn’t. My boyfriend is really good about my trashy TV addiction – he watches Bridezillas marathons with me and makes jokes, ok, I really can’t complain – but he draws the line at Toddlers and Tiaras. Something about exploiting children or whatever. And usually that’s fine, I understand, but it hurt this week when I saw clips. For one, this week’s episode featured a little 4-year-old girl dressed as one of my idols, Dolly Parton. And for two, it took place in my very own hometown.

Sure, this little girl’s mom actually put some padded boobs and a padded ass on her child. But hey, it’s what she used to wear when she was a little girl in pageants, it’s family tradition! Some people might say that this is horrible parenting, or shady parenting at the very best. But I say “nay!”* As a product of the same environment**, I completely understand the cultural ties to the legendary Dolly Parton, and furthermore, I wish that I had been afforded the same opportunity***!

What did you guys think about this week’s episode?

*I don’t, you guys. That’s sarcasm.
**Yes, this hurt to write.
***I do not wish that. The head lice and my first period were enough to scar my childhood.

Quotables: Dolly Parton Never Wanted Kids

photo of dolly parton pictures photos

“I think I became more productive through not having children. I never really had the desire to have them. My husband didn’t want them either, so it worked out well. … I’ve never been pregnant, so I just feel God didn’t mean for me to have kids, so that everybody else’s children could be mine. But if I had had them, I think I’d have been a devoted mother. My songs are like my children – I expect them to support me when I’m old!”

Dolly Parton, even though she claims to dress to please her husband (?), comes out with a rather “feminist” notion that a woman doesn’t have to have children to be complete. Are you hearing this, NADYA SULEMAN?

Somebody Left A Baby Named Jolene in A Box on Dolly Parton’s Doorstep

A photo of Dolly Parton

Well, in the 70′s. Somebody left a baby named Jolene in a box on Dolly Parton‘s doorstep in the 70′s. Which, personally, makes it about a zillion times more acceptable*. People were crazy back then, I hear.

Here’s the story, straight from Dolly herself:

“Years ago, when I first started being a big star, I had fans that were fanatical. It was when ‘Jolene’ was a big hit,” said Parton.

“We came home one day and there was a baby in a box at our gate with a note in it. The note said, ‘My name is Jolene, my momma has left me here and she wants you to have me’. Of course, we all freaked out!”

“It wasn’t like it was a kitten or a puppy dog. It was a baby named Jolene!”

Parton, who is due to play in Chicago on Thursday, said she contacted Human Services about the abandoned child and never knew what happened after authorities took the youngster away.

Really though, how flawless is Dolly Parton? I’ve always thought that, and now it turns out that she helped rescue poor little girls named Jolene in the 70′s. What can’t Dolly do? Where’s Dolly’s comic book?

*I’m kidding, of course. Don’t leave babies on doorsteps anytime.

Dolly Parton Raps

Do you really need anything other than that? Really? Dolly Parton, the queen herself, doing some freestyling? I’m sorry, are you dead inside?

Ok, fine, here are some of the lovely lyrics from TMZ:

[on the subject of Queen Latifah] “She’s the queen of her own hood …
but I’m the queen of Dollywood!”

“I don’t hip and I don’t hop …
I’d black both eyes with this big top.”

“I know the Queen has got ‘em too …
… but she don’t work ‘em like I do!”

So I guess this day has a happy ending after all, huh?

Quotables: Dolly Parton Tells It Like It Is

A photo of Dolly Parton

“I’d love to do a duet, always wanted to work with Madonna, but she never asked. [Madonna and GaGa are] the perfect fit. I’m as outrageous as they are. I was gaudy before they were gaudy.”

You know, I never thought about this before, but I think Dolly Parton is onto something here.  If you look at Dolly throughout the years, of course she’s always been outrageous and gaudy – that’s her charm.  However, I absolutely love Dolly Parton, and I obviously don’t feel the same way about Lady Gaga or Madonna, and I think a lot of you are in that same boat.

Is it Dolly’s country charm that makes her more likable?  Maybe it’s because she has a magical theme park a couple of hours down the road from me. Or maybe it’s because she’s done songs like “Jolene” and “Coat of Many Colors” instead of nonsense like “Judas” and whatever Madonna does nowadays.

How do you guys feel?  Is Dolly better than Gaga and Madonna (of course), did she pave the way for these ladies (maybe), and should she do a duet with either of them (definitely not at all, not even a little. Stick to Kenny Rogers, Dolly.  Don’t be gross)?

The Many Faces of Dolly Parton

Dolly Parton is one of those celebrities that manages to look 20 years younger than her real age while also looking 20 years older than her real age. How come? It’s cause the lady loves to get work done (of the 9-5 variety and the other kind, too.) Fake tatas, face lifts, botox and a possible nose job seem like what she’s had done to me, but maybe you’ll be able to spot some signs of surgery that I wasn’t able to pick up on.

There’s no doubt that Dolly’s a beautiful lady, but wouldn’t it be nice if we knew what her real face looks like?