If you’ll remember, last week Dina Lohan reported that Lindsay‘s Playboy shoot “went well.” That was nice to hear, it was encouraging and all, but you’d think that a good mom would be a little more descriptive about how her daughter’s first big foray into pornography is going. And friends, we all know that Dina Lohan does not disappoint in the “good mother” category, and so, without further adieu, here’s Dina’s Playboy update:

“It was an opportunity for her and she’s done thousands and thousands of covers, so this was just something…she’s 25 now. It was just something that was her decision…we have a contractual say in how far it goes and her and Mr. Hefner will decide … She’ll pick five covers, he’ll pick the one, but she has a say. I don’t want to get into the contract, but it will be tastefully done.”

Oh, for sure. It will be totally tasteful. No doubt. Those pictures of Lindsay looking so sultry with that come-hither stare that she does so well will be closer to art than pornography. And society will gaze at the photos for years to come and weep at the artistry, yes, but moreso at the unbelievably beautiful model that they see before them.

Can’t wait, girl!

The progenitors of the awfulness that is Lindsay Lohan have finally turned on their own creation, metaphorical pitchforks in hand.

Yesterday, dad Michael Lohan hopped aboard the “let’s talk about Lindsay’s need for orthodontic intervention” train by speculating, on television, that his daughter smokes crack. Michael “Mitch Winehouse” Lohan, YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG.

But never one to be forgotten, Celebrity Mom Dina Lohan is jumping in on the anti-Lindsay action. How, you ask? By writing a tell-all Lindsay Lohan biography!

TMZ with a selection from the unpublished book’s prologue:

I blamed her friends, her career and her handlers for an (sic) newfound lifestyle of partying excessively. Drinking, drugging and behaving irresponsibly became Lindsay’s way of daily living—and it tore me up inside.

Gee. Dina didn’t seem to have a problem with Lindsay’s “way of living” last month. Or… um, ever.

Sorry. Let me make my serious face. OK, I’m wearing my serious face now. Tell us, Dina! Who do you blame for Lindsay’s self-destructive behavior? Oh, right, her friends. And her handlers. That’s interesting.

Y’know, a lot of girls in their twenties have friends. A chance few even have handlers. But Lindsay’s pattern of “indirect” suicidal behavior is a little bit more profound. Look harder, Dina.

You know what they say: when you point your finger, three fingers point right back at you.

Rumor Fix went and got these pictures from Dina Lohan‘s 49th birthday party, and … well, I’ll go ahead and let you guys decide what’s what. I’ll just let you know that that’s Dina on the left, Lindsay in the middle, and 15-year-old Cody, the littlest Lohan, on the right.

I was going to put a list of feelings that I got from this photo here, but I just can’t. There’s disgust and embarrassment and sympathy for poor Cody, but there’s also the Chinese food from last night threatening to make itself known again if I continue looking and thinking about this.

If you guys could just pick up where I left off, I’d be most obliged.

Image courtesy of Rumor Fix

Did you know that Dina Lohan wrote her very own script? Because she did! Her movie’s called Growing Defiant, and it’s “a hard look at the social pressures that can lead a kid in the wrong direction.” Oh, Lohans.

But you guys, the way that Dina is completely ripping off her own daughter’s life story isn’t even the best part! The best part is her “suggested cast list.” Ready?

According to the business plan, the actors she’ll go after include Dakota Fanning, Selena Gomez, Michael Cera, James Gandolfini, Susan Sarandon, Tina Fey, Amanda Seyfried, Hayden Panettiere, Emma Stone, and Mila Kunis … oh, and Michael Lohan, Jr. in the starring role of a heroin addict.

Impressive, right? But just so you don’t lose any sleep over it, little Junior is already signed. One down, the most delusional cast list ever to go! The only way she could get even a couple of these actors is if the movie was also about a holiday and, even then, she’d probably have to have at least a little talent to get things going, right?

Poor, poor Dina Lohan. But on the plus side, look at how much better she looks than Lindsay! That’s got to count for something!

This is Dina Lohan. She gave birth to our number one girl, Lindsay, and also a couple of other less important Lohans. She’s 48 years old. And she looks loads better than her most famous child.

From what I can tell, these pictures are from this medieval-themed party in the Hamptons. Dina’s the producer of some new show on Bravo, and apparently she co-hosted this party? I don’t know, the details are a little muddled to me, but I don’t think it matters since there’s a sex dungeon involved:

Dina Lohan played Queen of the Hamptons Saturday night at the 15,000-square-foot Watermill castle of billionaire playboy Ivan Wilzig. In a medieval-style flowing dress, and a flowered veil, Lindsay Lohan’s mom even had a cadre of identically dressed young ladies-in-waiting who sat at her feet as she held court and flirted with Wilzig, a k a “Sir Ivan,” at his annual regally themed bash. When a young party girl who’d taken the dress code for the fete less seriously passed, Queen Dina barked, “That’s not very medieval!”

Later, a Page Six reporter uncovered a hidden gem in the castle: a black room with a large swing chained to the ceiling, a cage with handcuffs, shackles and a slew of giant, stuffed bunnies. It seems the chamber is reserved for anointed subjects. “Only the talent can come in here,” a staffer told us. When we asked where the talent was, he replied they were “coming later.” Egads! Guests at the party included “The Book of Mormon” creators Matt Stone and Trey Parker.

Yeah, if you can decipher any of that, more power to you, friend. Mostly all I care about is how hilarious it is that Dina looks scorching hot next to her daughter and that she was almost definitely some kinky S&M mistress for Bravo.

Happy Mother’s Day, moms!  Way to pop them kids out and raise ‘em right!  In honor of all you guys, I’m going to share a few words on the art of motherhood from the creator of one of America’s greatest train wrecks.  Hey, it’s never too late to learn something new, am I right?  All right, let’s let Dina drop some knowledge:

On Being a Single Mom: “The secret to single parenting is to just teach them what you can teach them … And you pray that instills in them for the rest of their life. You let them go, and if they fall, you’re there to pick them up.”

On Discipline: “The boys got into more mischief. Lindsay, I’m trying to think… she was always good in school and was like my little buddy. She never really got into too much mischief young. She was a late bloomer.”

On Being in the Spotlight: “No child’s perfect. They’re going to get into trouble, whether it’s big or small. Unfortunately, we’re a global name so they know about it in Indonesia. But just be there for your child, and if you see signs that they’re doing things they shouldn’t be doing, get them help.”

I could try to get into some serious discussion like I did yesterday about to what degree, if at all, a parent is responsible for her child’s fuck ups, or even some nature vs. nurture talk, but it’s early and it’s a holiday, so just let this all sink in and then call your mom, all right?

The Child Support Collection Unit in Nassau County is getting some celebrity action now that Dina Lohan has found out that Michael Lohan is spending his money on Botox. According to Dina, Michael hasn’t forked over any money for his two kids Ali and Cody in at least a few months, but she was letting him slide because she assumed he was broke (why wouldn’t you?) Then Michael brought cameras along with him as he got his face shot up with expensive Botox treatments, proving that he does have cash to spare after all.

Michael owes Dina $1,500 a month for their two minor children and another 50% of all of their medical bills and schooling. I’m going to go ahead and guess that while there are no fine lines or wrinkles on his face, that he probably doesn’t have that kind of cash laying around to do the right thing and help out his ex-wife. I guess big sister Lindsay is going to have to get right back to work as soon as she’s out of rehab.

If we’re to believe her mother, Lindsay Lohan is doing wonderfully in rehab. Dina spoke to Matt Lauer at the Today Show this morning, and while she was optimistic about her daughter’s healing process, she couldn’t say whether or not this trip to rehab would be the one to stick. Dina said, “We take it one day at a time. Addiction is difficult. I don’t know. I don’t have a crystal ball. I pray hard.”

The interview is just about what you’d expect it to be. Dina clarified to Matt that she wasn’t lying when she came on their show this summer to deny Lindsay’s drug use, she was protecting her daughter (Sure, protecting her with a lie, Dina.) She also said that Lindsay wants to stay at Betty Ford throughout Christmas and New Years as mandated by the judge, so even if she gets another early release, she’ll stick with her treatment.

It sucks for Lindsay that she has the parents she does because every time they open their mouths, they make her seem even less credible. Of course I’m just as interested as the rest of the world in where Lindsay’s at in beating her addiction, but we have to let it happen. If I was trapped in a rehab center, regardless of how much it felt like a five-star hotel, and my mother was giving interviews to The Today Show, I can imagine that that would make me want to relapse. It puts an inappropriate amount of pressure on Lindsay and PR-wise, wouldn’t it be smarter to let the girl have a full-blown comeback once she’s clean and sober as opposed to us feeding off these little breadcrumbs of information like a bunch of pigeons?

Did you guys catch Dina Lohan on the Today show this morning?  I didn’t, because I’m not a masochist, but luckily there are clips and quotes floating around the interwebs so I could catch myself up on whatever nonsense Lindsay’s mom is currently spewing.

First of all, Dina is still going on about how Lindsay didn’t deserve the sentence she got, because she’s “not condoning drinking and driving,” but Lindsay’s “changed.  She’s grown up considerably.”  Because that’s how the law works, right, if you apologize and write a 500 word essay on what you’ve learned, then you don’t ever have to account for laws you’ve broken.

Dina goes on to throw around the word “propaganda” in reference to the media coverage of Lindsay, mention a book she may write about her experience of being famous in New York before Lindsay was born (really?), and to state that she doesn’t even know what being a stage mom means.

Oh, and she also says that while in jail, Lindsay made friends with murderers.  If I don’t get that Lindsay and Alexis Neiers sitcom, then I want a painting of Lindsay hanging out with some killers, at least.

We’ve finally got the remainder of the interview! Dina did her interview a few days ago, which we covered here at EB, but ET had only released snippets to the interwebs.  So I thought I’d re-share everything amusing, and give you visual to everything insane that Dina spouts.

And for a 57 second video, Mama Blow sure had me wishing it was over at, like, the 29 second mark.

Lindsay Lohan’s mom, not unlike her daughter, is chock-full of denial, disgust with the court system, and drug face. Yes, you read that correctly, drug face. Unless this woman was born this way — and who knows, it could happen — there’s no denying that she’s got some drug demons of her own to battle, but that’s an issue for another less-Lohan-filled day. Like sometime next century. Lohan fallout, much like nuclear warfare, stays around for-fucking-ever. Take cover, bitches.

If you were one of the strong of heart (and by “strong of heart,” I mean “able to stomach the entire video”) here’s another, but I warn you — this one’s almost three minutes long. Can you do it? Are you up to the challenge?

Let me know how long you last before you can’t take it anymore and you slam your face off of the keyboard in an effort to stop this video.

Let’s read that, shall we?

It’s not going to be a good experience for her. Right now, she should be working on rectifying the situation and getting better.

It’s just a horrible experience. Twenty-three hours a day, she’ll be locked up. I’m going to get her out of that cell as much as I can. And Kate will be there, and we’ll work to get her out of that cell as much as possible.

She knows I still want to throw her in [rehab]. I’ve been trying to tell her how much I love her, that I’m behind her, that when she’s ready, I’m ready to help her.

If she would just realize that what she’s taking is toxic…. Dina has denied that Lindsay is on prescription meds. Lindsay has denied that she is on prescription meds. Her friends have. Everyone has! And look at her! They’re lying.”

Dina should be concentrating on helping Lindsay get off of the prescription drugs instead of stealing Fudgy the Whales from Carvel!

I had a feeling that Lindsay might go to jail and I wanted to be there for her, but I wanted to be there, more importantly, to submit the letter to the judge in hopes that she would just give her rehab, which she did consider and I appreciate that. But at the same time, Lindsay is not a criminal. She is a woman with a disease. She really is. She needs help. She needs medical attention.”

Get off the adderall, that I agree with. Visitation will probably be an important thing to her sanity, sure. Rehab? Well, she’s definitely not going to be allowed to take adderall in jail, and the court sentenced her to a 90 day rehab treatment after her 90 days in jail, so that’s actually covered. And re: those Carvel cakes… You shut the fuck up, Michael Lohan. Let her eat all the Fudgy the Whales she wants.

There’s video On Lindsay being scared to go to jail: "Lindsay’s scared to death. You know, she’s strong, but until someone faces something as devastating as that…we’re going to have to see. God willing, it won’t happen…It’s very difficult, we’re not sleeping well, we’re not functioning. We cry a lot and we hug a lot. She’s petrified, we all are. We’re angry. We’re disappointed in the system." On getting a new lawyer and appealing the judge’s decision: "She’s a fighter, and until the final result — we’re not giving up. I think it’s time we get another attorney just to see it from another light and do damage control." On Judge Marsha Revel: "This is not an OJ Simpson trial, which they made it out to be. If she [Judge Revel] wants a trial, then make it a fair trial. I feel like Shawn [Chapman Holley], Lindsay’s [former] attorney should have stood up and said, ‘Listen, I didn’t know you were going to have witnesses.’ We would have had ten witnesses. We didn’t get a shot. We didn’t get a shot at fairness." On Lindsay’s behavior in 2007: "She did a really stupid thing. Thank God she didn’t hurt anyone….I know my daughter is clean and sober today. I know that for a fact. I’m not a doctor…and I’m not an attorney. I’m a mother. And I’m sitting here, as a mother, just worried about my child., but here’s some of the best quotes:

On Lindsay being scared to go to jail:

“Lindsay’s scared to death. You know, she’s strong, but until someone faces something as devastating as that…we’re going to have to see. God willing, it won’t happen…It’s very difficult, we’re not sleeping well, we’re not functioning. We cry a lot and we hug a lot. She’s petrified, we all are. We’re angry. We’re disappointed in the system.”

On getting a new lawyer and appealing the judge’s decision:

“She’s a fighter, and until the final result — we’re not giving up. I think it’s time we get another attorney just to see it from another light and do damage control.”

On Judge Marsha Revel:

“This is not an OJ Simpson trial, which they made it out to be. If she [Judge Revel] wants a trial, then make it a fair trial. I feel like Shawn [Chapman Holley], Lindsay’s [former] attorney should have stood up and said, ‘Listen, I didn’t know you were going to have witnesses.’ We would have had ten witnesses. We didn’t get a shot. We didn’t get a shot at fairness.”

On Lindsay’s behavior in 2007:

“She did a really stupid thing. Thank God she didn’t hurt anyone….I know my daughter is clean and sober today. I know that for a fact. I’m not a doctor…and I’m not an attorney. I’m a mother. And I’m sitting here, as a mother, just worried about my child.”

Wow. It’s just so completely shocking to me that a mother who makes endless excuses for her child’s bad behavior is now watching her go off to jail!

Dina Lohan is her daughter’s worst enemy. I think that most parents, regardless of the immediate sadness they may feel watching their child be locked up, would be thrilled that the court is insisting their child be responsible for their actions and get clean and sober. And if the well-being of her child isn’t enough to make Dina realize that jail time is far from the worst thing that could happen to her, then maybe she could consider the fact that once Lindsay’s dead, so is Dina’s cash flow. C’mon, Dina. Let Lindsay hang in there long enough for you to get a few more chemical peels and a new fur or something.