“At first, I wasn’t sure if this was my child. Now that it has become clear she is, I will take care of her for the rest of her life.”

Sean “Diddy” Combs, after DNA tests proved that a 15-month-old Atlanta girl is, in fact, his daughter. Diddy was dating model Kim Porter when the baby was conceived.

Britney’s opening the VMAs on Sunday, and she’s making sure she’ll be nice and hungover for the occasion.

She showed up in Vegas last night to party with Diddy & Co at PURE.

Another interesting attendee: Josh Henderson, sans Paris. Get over it, buddy. Nobody cares about you now.

“After 10 years, I have decided to end my on-again/off-again relationship with Sean `Diddy’ Combs,” reads a statement released by Diddy’s baby mama. “In ending this relationship, I made a decision that was in the best interest of myself, Sean and our family. I look forward to moving on with my life and my career, and wish him prosperity, health and happiness in life and in love. We will remain friends and committed parents to our children.”

I find the first part of this statement so, so funny. Who refers to her ex-boyfriend and the father of her children as “Sean ‘Diddy’ Combs”? What she means is: “After 10 years, I have decided to end my tumultuous, dramalicious relationship with Sean ‘Fucks Anything that Walks’ Combs.”

I think we should all have to make formal statements like this to the press whenever we end any sort of a romantic relationship. Like, “After three weeks, I have decided to end my purely physical relationship with John ‘Allergic to Condoms’ Doe. In ending this relationship, I made a decision that was in the best interest of my ten-year goal of not getting herpes.” Or “After two years, I have decided to end my financially motivated relationship with Bob ‘Satan Drives a Beemer’ Jones, and I wish him the best of luck with the impending IRS audit.” Wouldn’t that be fun?

“I’ve spent a lot of time with Kim in Paris, And it’s been perfect. As soon as we landed, we went straight to the Eiffel Tower, drank champagne at the top and just kissed and kissed. Then we went up to my suite and had tantric sex for at least 30 hours, ordering up whipped cream and strawberries while we were at it. As meticulous as I am with my work, I’m more meticulous with lovemaking. I like to do it for a long time. A lot of guys out there get married, and they still do their own thing. I don’t want to get married and fail.”

30 hours of sex sounds kind of boring if you are asking me. I think I would start making grocery lists and counting sheep. I have no idea how this girl puts up with him. I would take the child support and run because I feel like he has a lot more baby mama drama in his future. This Eiffel Tower love story makes me almost as ill as when Tom Cruise proposed to Kate (remember when he re-named her, ya that didn’t stick) last summer.

There’s a story accompanying this picture, but does it really matter?

Diddy and Snoop have launched a tour but that’s not where this story gets fun.

Here is where it gets fun:

HELSINKI, Finland (Reuters) — U.S. rap stars Sean “Diddy” Combs and Snoop Dogg, who were bitter rivals in a notorious feud between East and West Coast hip-hop in the 1990s, said on Friday they had buried the hatchet once and for all.

No one was ever afraid of Diddy. Ever. Even the guy who is suing him probably feels like Diddy is cute. Also, the true battle was between Notorious B.I.G and Tupac, you can tell because they are both now dead.

They said they had “moved on” from the days when members of the two music scenes clashed rather than collaborated. “That was a time in history,” Combs told reporters ahead of the tour’s opening concert.

That WAS a time in history. Just like every other moment that has ever occurred. Including this one. And this one. They are all now moments in history. Idiot.

“We want to entertain, we want to make music, we want to make people feel good,” said Combs, 37.

Translation: We’d like some money please.

Snoop: “That is all that matters, that the spirit of hip-hop lives on. Everything that was not right, we are getting right.”

PS- Nas’ new album is called “Hip Hop is Dead.” Guess who is right?