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Crystal Harris

1Crystal Harris Dumps Hugh Hefner Days Before Wedding

photo of hugh hefner and crystal harris pictures photos

If anyone is honestly, seriously surprised by this, give me your name and I’ll give you your sign.

Sources close to both Heffy Hefferson and Crystal Harris have confirmed that the wedding is definitely off. The reason behind the abrupt decision? Crystal wanted her own career (music) and didn’t want to have to live off of Hefner for the rest of her life – girlfriend wanted to make this fame and fortune shit happen on her own.

If you can believe that, I’ve got a really cool-ass bridge to sell you. For real.

Sources at TMZ claim that Crystal was “fed up” with the pittance of an allowance afforded to her by her fiance (she allegedly got a couple hundred bucks a week in spending, in addition to all of her bills being paid by Hefner), and this is probably why she left.

Anyway, I’m sure that the split ALSO had nothing to do with the fact that Crystal would become the laughingstock of the Serious Elite of Hollywood if she married Hefner (oh … wait) or that she’d be sleeping next to his shriveled-ass balls for the rest of his life (which probably isn’t all that long, but dag, some people just have NO PATIENCE).

I’m not a big Hef fan by any means, but this is probably the best thing that could have happened to both him and his fortune.

June 15, 2011 at 11:30 am by Sarah

3This is Actually a Really Great Idea

picture of hugh hefner and crystal harris photos engagement pictures fiancee fiance

True love?  Is totally blind, deaf and dumb in addition to being eighty-four years old.

Hugh Hefner, who’s most known for his girlfriends-who-could-be-grandkids, is marrying his latest wife, twenty-four year-old Crystal Harris, without a prenup. Can you imagine? WITHOUT A PRENUP.

Best guess, Hef probably has, what, a good four or five years to go ’til he drops. But at the most? I know with modern science and the invention of cryogenics, things could be stretched a few years longer for the average person if you’ve got the dough, but the problem with that is, once Hef finally DOES kick, it’s going to be the cheating Crystal who’s going to walk away with a good chunk of said dough. How much? Uh, let’s just venture a guess at about 75% of Hefner’s 43 million-dollar empire, maybe.

That much.

I guess it makes sense to dump your money back into the economy after you die, and giving it to some floozy to blow it sure will do it, but throwing it all away on what you invested in all your life (um, tits, blondes, and sex) seems kind of, oh I don’t know, PREDICTABLE to me. Surprise us, Hef – rewrite your will and give all of your fortune to all of the starving and neglected kids in America or something. Or really throw us for a loop – will all of your Playboy Playmates as apprentices to the priests at the Vatican. Things could get really interesting then.

April 4, 2011 at 7:30 am by Sarah

0Crystal Harris is Cheating on Hef?!

Life & Style is reporting the Hugh Hefner’s fiancée Crystal Harris was seen cozying up to Dr. Phil’s son last night at Bar Marmont in Hollywood. The two sat closely and while Crystal wasn’t too inappropriate, Phil’s son, Jordan McGraw, was all over her, kissing her shoulders and holding her hand out in the open where anyone could see. Disrespectful, dude.

Crystal and Hef were engaged back in December, and while Hef has let his other girlfriends date in the past (so long as they weren’t disrespectful about it,) I have a feeling that he did not sign off on his fiancée talking to other men. In fact, a source close to Crystal told the magazine, “They’ve been sneaking around because Crystal is supposed to be happily engaged to Hef, and going out in public with Jordan would tarnish Hef and Crystal’s relationship image.”

I wonder what the broken-hearted Holly would have to say about this news…

March 23, 2011 at 1:30 pm by Molls

0This is What You Can Buy With Buckets of Boob and Gitch Money

photo of hugh hefner crystal harris pictures engagement ring

Hugh Hefner, if you’ve been under a rock for the past week, recently popped the question to his latest Playmate girlfriend, Crystal Harris. The couple took to their Twitter accounts to show off the ring, and by virtue, their odd bondage-fantasy-grandpa relationship.

The couple has been dating for some time now, and by ‘dating,’ I mean Harris has been solely in charge of keeping Hef’s penis in an airtight box.  Things do, you know, start to disintegrate and break down after they hit a certain age.

The moral of this story? Don’t let the dream die, guys. You, too, can build an entire empire on twentysomethings with low self-esteem and high plastic surgery rates who are just dying to take their clothes off for men way past their prime. All you need is a little drive, a lot of square footage, and a funky porn star-style robe. You got this.

December 31, 2010 at 6:30 am by Sarah

2Crystal Harris – The Newest Mrs. Hugh Hefner-To-Be

Hey, so have you heard the good news? Boyfriend Hugh Hefner is going to be a doting, loving husband once more. His latest girl-toy? Model/singer and Playmate, Crystal Harris.

Crystal, if you have no idea who she is, is the archetypal, busty, blonde Hugh Hefner clone, but this time? The love is for real, y’all. Hef claimed that he popped the question on Christmas Eve and Crystal obliged with burbling yeses and tears. The couple met back in 2008 and the rest was history:

Harris, 24, met Hefner in 2008 at the Playboy Mansion during one of the mag’s famous Halloween bashes. The model/singer … was Playboy’s December 2009 Playmate and served as 2010′s Miss January.

But don’t worry about Hef’s financial liquidity – Crystal has no interest in Hefner’s fortune because she has her own career don’t you know:

“I would say that I’m not after Hef for his money. I have my own career going.”

Of course ‘she would say.’  Believe you me, this girl is just hoping that she’s Hef’s current wife when he finally does kick, and now she’s just hedging her bets. You mark my words.

Anyway, check out Harris’s photos in the below gallery and see if she rings a bell for you. I tried to find a few of her fully clothed to mix things up a bit, but guys? There really aren’t that many.

December 27, 2010 at 10:00 am by Sarah

12Quotables

Hugh Hefner with Girlfriends Crystal Harris and the Shannon Twins

“The notion that I would want her back as a girlfriend is bizarre. I am now in one of the best relationships in memory with Crystal Harris and the twins. I’m not going to screw it up with former girlfriends. I would not trade Crystal Harris for anybody in the else in the world. And then this thing comes out and today is Crystal’s birthday … It’s ridiculous.”

Hugh Hefner, on the rumors that he wants Holly Madison back.

Listen up, Hef: When you talk about your girlfriend and “the twins,” and you’re referring not to her breasts but to your other teenage girlfriends, there’s a problem. Right there I can spot a problem.

Also, at 83 years old, you can stop with the references to “this thing” that “comes out” that everyone finds “ridiculous.” We all know what you’re talking about. Can’t you give the girl a rest on her birthday?

April 29, 2009 at 8:12 pm by Evil Beet
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