“[It lasted] like, two seconds. Then I was just over it. I was like, ‘Ahh.’ I was over it. I just, like, walked away. I’m not turned on by Hef. Sorry.”
Thanks so much, girl. You know I was wondering what the life of a fame whore might be like. You know I was doing some serious pondering on the issue of marrying for money and also so more people would be interested in your vagina. So glad you could answer these questions. I know I can always count on you, Crystal. Never change!
July 27, 2011 at 5:30 am by Emily
Their 60-year age gap caused titters, and jeers,
But did it cause, too, wedding jitters and fears?
Though Hef could see her affection had faltered,
He was nonetheless blindsided when dumped at the altar.
What follows is from Hef’s interview with Piers Morgan;
Makes Hef seem real sad—Harris, more like a gorgon.
I’d like to keep rhyming and steal all the glory,
But as the journalists say, “Let the quotes write the story”:
…As we got very close to the marriage, you know, something was not right. But I didn’t see it coming, I truly didn’t see it coming.
At last Crys admitted her feet had gone cold,
Hef recommended just putting the wedding on hold.
He thought he’d reassured her; he’d obviously failed,
Because, by next morning, their relation-Ship had sailed:
That was only half the story obviously, because the next morning [after our conversation], without my knowledge, she was packing the bags.
Though it’s crystal-clear Crystal just used him, then shoved him,
Hef maintains that she really, really, really did love him:
I think an argument could be made that she took me for a ride, but I must say, quite frankly, it was a pretty nice ride. If she was faking it, she did it very well.
In conclusion—because I can’t keep this up—poor Hef! I really believe both of them. I have faith that Hef was genuinely marrying for something that maybe felt a little like love, and I believe Harris was totally sincere when she said, “Are you kidding? It was all for publicity.” Man, did Hugh Hefner ever dodge a bullet.
July 15, 2011 at 7:30 am by Jenn
See, kids, this is why you don’t start relationships with your boss. Because then things get all complicated and you freak out because he’s approximately eight million years older than you and then he gets you a sweet cover for his porno mag, then totally embarrasses you on it by referencing a Julia Roberts movie. And, like, how are you ever going to face your friends after this?
June 16, 2011 at 5:30 pm by Emily
“For a while, I’d been having second thoughts about everything, so I haven’t really been at peace with myself lately. It was all just happening too fast for me. I just sat back and thought about it all. Is this what I wanted? And it wasn’t. There was no fight. He understood, and we both agreed that it wasn’t the best idea to get married. He was doing it for me because he thought it was what I wanted. [I] wanted to be true to myself … This isn’t the lifestyle for me.”
I’m also sure that the time of her break-up and releasing her Playboy cover being at the same time is just a total coincidence, too.
June 16, 2011 at 4:30 am by Sarah
Sources close to both Heffy Hefferson and Crystal Harris have confirmed that the wedding is definitely off. The reason behind the abrupt decision? Crystal wanted her own career (music) and didn’t want to have to live off of Hefner for the rest of her life – girlfriend wanted to make this fame and fortune shit happen on her own.
If you can believe that, I’ve got a really cool-ass bridge to sell you. For real.
Sources at TMZ claim that Crystal was “fed up” with the pittance of an allowance afforded to her by her fiance (she allegedly got a couple hundred bucks a week in spending, in addition to all of her bills being paid by Hefner), and this is probably why she left.
Anyway, I’m sure that the split ALSO had nothing to do with the fact that Crystal would become the laughingstock of the Serious Elite of Hollywood if she married Hefner (oh … wait) or that she’d be sleeping next to his shriveled-ass balls for the rest of his life (which probably isn’t all that long, but dag, some people just have NO PATIENCE).
I’m not a big Hef fan by any means, but this is probably the best thing that could have happened to both him and his fortune.
June 15, 2011 at 11:30 am by Sarah
True love? Is totally blind, deaf and dumb in addition to being eighty-four years old.
Best guess, Hef probably has, what, a good four or five years to go ’til he drops. But at the most? I know with modern science and the invention of cryogenics, things could be stretched a few years longer for the average person if you’ve got the dough, but the problem with that is, once Hef finally DOES kick, it’s going to be the cheating Crystal who’s going to walk away with a good chunk of said dough. How much? Uh, let’s just venture a guess at about 75% of Hefner’s 43 million-dollar empire, maybe.
I guess it makes sense to dump your money back into the economy after you die, and giving it to some floozy to blow it sure will do it, but throwing it all away on what you invested in all your life (um, tits, blondes, and sex) seems kind of, oh I don’t know, PREDICTABLE to me. Surprise us, Hef – rewrite your will and give all of your fortune to all of the starving and neglected kids in America or something. Or really throw us for a loop – will all of your Playboy Playmates as apprentices to the priests at the Vatican. Things could get really interesting then.