You know those things on the bottoms of recyclable containers? The little numbers encircled (entriangled?) in the “Recycle!” symbol? No? Oh for f*ck’s sake. These things:
I’m betting that these suckers are all overCourtney‘s body, hidden delicately between the subtle folds of her soft, adolescent skin, just waiting to be discovered in photos like the ones above. Yup. Like the one up there where Courtney’s man has a seagull feather stuck behind his ear. THAT’S DISGUSTING. Doesn’t he know how many diseases those things carry? Shit, I learned that when I was five; a mere twelve years prior to Courtney’s current age. Also, I’m not going to say that you can kind of see her nipple in that photo, because I don’t want to be sued for the exploitation of minors or whatever, but since no one else seems to care – ahem, Doug Hutchison, we have an erection for you to pick up from the front desk in about ten months and three weeks – well, I won’t point that out anyway.
As if this girl hasn’t already given us enough gifts for a lifetime, right?! But, being the beautiful flower that she is, Courtney Stodden decided to go ahead and keep on giving, this time in the form of a raucous rock song, “We Are America.” And you know what? It makes me proud. It makes me proud to be a woman, to be an American, and to be able to share such a poignant piece of art with you.
Emily gave you a sneak-peek the other day into what it’s like to be married to Courtney Stodden (answer: bizarre), and now we’ve got some quotes directly from the twitchy horse’s mouth! Courtney, in the same interview, talks arousal, housekeeping, and eventually becoming an actress (um … LOL).
On husband Doug, teaching her how to “act”:
“He’s teaching me acting, thank you. We just did a little acting class two nights ago. We have to resume that.”
On how labia-whipped she’s got the formerly-revered actor:
“He’s cooking for me, cleaning for me, he’s like the wife around the house. He picks up the slack around the house and that’s very inspiring to me.”
Courtney! Oh, the places you will go! The future is so bright for you already, Courtney, and you’re only 17! You’ve already found your soulmate, you’ve landed a pretty sweet job: you have it made! But wait! What about your further education? If you’re on track with your peers (which, to be fair, is a big assumption), you should be just about to get your high school diploma. Do you have any plans for college?
“I would go to college and study all of Doug. All of his body, and all the elements within that. What they do and what they still do. It would be a lot of fun.”
Oh. Well. Huh. That’s … that’s something. That sounds like a good plan, Courtney. That sounds great. And no, I don’t want to hear about your minor, thanks.
The 17-year-old and her Green Mile actor husband Doug Hutchison have signed a deal with Roy Bank, the president of Merv Griffin Entertainment.
“We are so excited to be working with Roy Bank, a great professional in this business,” Courtney and Doug exclusively told Radaronline.com.
“We are proud that we were able to find the perfect producer for our reality show and are thrilled to be working with this prestigious production company.”
Bank was the executive producer of reality show hits like Mark Burnett Productions’ Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader?
“The reason we went with Roy is because we feel that he is the man who will be able to place Courtney’s show in front of the best network for her,” Krista Stodden, Courtney’s momager, told Radaronline.com.
The reality show will give viewers a look into the newlywed’s unconventional lifestyle and promises to be no holds barred.
“They are going to be very, very open about their lives,” Courtney’s mom said. “They want everybody to see their life. Nothing is off limits.”
Of course nothing is off limits, these are the Hutchisons we’re talking about! We’re going to see Courtney “prowling mysteriously around the house while lickin’ my lips searchin’ for some nip” and we’ll get to check out firsthand how “not creepy” Doug is, and yes, we’ll also all ponder how legal it all is.
Look! My very first Courtney Stodden post! But you know what? I really lament the fact that this girl actually *deserves* her own post. I mean, what is this world coming to? It’s not as if I appreciate this teenager enough to merit a discussion, either – this is for the sole purpose of mocking her and hopefully pointing out to her what a stupid hole-of-ass she appears to be each and every time she opens her mouth about naked cooking, weird grandpa sex, or what true love means to her. I feel for the girl, ’cause she’s got a long road of regret ahead of her, and I don’t think she’s really going to feel the effects of what she’s doing until it’s way too late.
This is me, playing into the Courtney Stodden hype, throwing all of her rabid “fans” a bone, but really just satisfying my own sense for morbid curiosity. I CAN’T WAIT TO SEE WHAT HAPPENS TO THIS NUTTY-ASSED NUT. You know how it goes around these here parts.