You know, every time I try to type “Doug,” you know what comes out? “Dough.” I just can’t stop it. Even consciously trying *not* to type “Dough,” it happens. Like in that first sentence there. Which I suppose is appropriate, because the “Doug” in question is probably puffy, yeasty, clammy, and spoiled-milk-colored underneath those clothes. Consider me grossed the f*ck out.
Remember how these two weirdos got their reality show? They did. And about that, now they’re shopping around for a network to pick it up. Naturally, they headed to MTV, home of Jersey Shore and Teen Mom fame. And really, what could be more appropriate? Maybe Courtney could even mentor these girls. Let the teen moms know that if they keep f*cking around, keep heading to the bars and beating the shit out of their gross boyfriends when they should be home raising their damn kids, that said kids might turn out to be like Courtney herself. But hey. I mean, maybe that’s exactly what they want – a slutty little cashcow so they can stop cashing welfare checks and start cashing royalty checks.
Oh, RuPaul, you’re always just so good for a giggle with your sassy words and your sassy ways! Have you guys watched RuPaul’s Drag Race? It’s universally amazing. Last week I watched an episode with my BFF, my roommate, and my boyfriend, and we’ve all been quoting it since. I had dinner with my boyfriend and his best friend, and as we were leaving, Boyfriend held his head high and told his bro “now sashay away.”
Anyway, did you appreciate RuPaul’s blatant trolling as much as I did?
Please. Please, please, please. First of all, do I believe for one hot second that Courtney Stodden was kicked off Facebook for posting this photo? Hell no! Have you seen some of the photos posted on Facebook? This is downright – almost – demure and tasteful. Do I also believe that it was “jealous women” who mass-reported the photos to administrators, requesting her to be banned? No way. Jealous? Why am I jealous? Why would the average, of-age woman be jealous of this twit? Because she’s got fake boobs but looks pre-pubescent from the bellybutton down? Because she’s got a face like Stifler’s mother?
Worry not, though, Courtney-lovers: her Facebook account has been reinstated, citing an “accidental deletion.” Mmhmm. Right.
Here are some of Courtney’s latest Tweets; they’re sure to inspire you to be just like her.
“Wildly wiggling & jauntily jiggling myself to jolting jams as I friskily flaunt a flirty outfit completed w/sexy white 7in. go-go boots! ;-)”
“Saturated within a superb Sunday as Gods love beams brightly! ‘There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear … ‘ 1 John 4:18″
“In the kitchen whipping up some syrupy splits before bouncing into bed for a sweet & finger-licking night! Yummm! ;-x”
“As I slip on my sexy mini-skirt my taunting mind takes flight into an intimate world of wondrous imagination. Whats your Friday Fantasy? ;-)”
“I am going to get drilled today… & I’ll keep my mouth open the entire time. I’ll be a good girl… I promise. Mmm… I LOVE the Dentist!”
“Lickin a sucker as I boisterously bounce UP & down on the bed while drenched in a soak ‘n wet white mini-T & pink panties; Feelin Dangerous!”
You know what the scary thing is? SHE PROBABLY DOES ALL THIS STUFF FOR REAL.
Placing my hands in Marilyn Monroe’s provocative prints & what a perfect fit it is! XOs ;-x
Oh my goodness, this girl. A perfect fit, indeed!
Do you think we could possibly arrange a Marilyn-off? And Lindsay and Courtney would dress up and sing “Happy Birthday” to Obama and eventually get in the most glamorous cat fight the world has ever seen? Can we get that going somehow?
You know those things on the bottoms of recyclable containers? The little numbers encircled (entriangled?) in the “Recycle!” symbol? No? Oh for f*ck’s sake. These things:
I’m betting that these suckers are all overCourtney‘s body, hidden delicately between the subtle folds of her soft, adolescent skin, just waiting to be discovered in photos like the ones above. Yup. Like the one up there where Courtney’s man has a seagull feather stuck behind his ear. THAT’S DISGUSTING. Doesn’t he know how many diseases those things carry? Shit, I learned that when I was five; a mere twelve years prior to Courtney’s current age. Also, I’m not going to say that you can kind of see her nipple in that photo, because I don’t want to be sued for the exploitation of minors or whatever, but since no one else seems to care – ahem, Doug Hutchison, we have an erection for you to pick up from the front desk in about ten months and three weeks – well, I won’t point that out anyway.
As if this girl hasn’t already given us enough gifts for a lifetime, right?! But, being the beautiful flower that she is, Courtney Stodden decided to go ahead and keep on giving, this time in the form of a raucous rock song, “We Are America.” And you know what? It makes me proud. It makes me proud to be a woman, to be an American, and to be able to share such a poignant piece of art with you.