7This Is Probably The Creepiest Thing You Will Ever See

Yesterday, Sarah showed you a delightful gallery of photos of Courtney Stodden rubbing herself all over Doug Hutchison, who was dressed as Santa Claus. And it was horrible and a little nauseating but, as always, it was hard to look away.

Well, now we have the video of Courtney rubbing on Santa Claus. And it’s still a little hard to look away, but you might have to, depending on how sensitive your gag reflex is. Because this is the grossest, creepiest little video that ever was. This is the first time since our introduction to Doug and Courtney that I actually had to stop and look at something else because I felt too dirty and too uncomfortable to go on.

So what I’m trying to say is “you’re welcome!”

December 21, 2011 at 6:30 am by Emily

9HO HO HO.

Skanky brass-tone armband that’s disguising a nasty green stain in the shape of a skanky brass-tone armband? CHECK.

Over-worn, clear Lucite stripper heels that are *totally* appropriate for frolicking in the snow with Grandpa? CHECK.

OK, the thing is, here, that Courtney Stodden doesn’t look awful. The eye makeup is ultra toned down, and she doesn’t appear to have six pounds of Wet ‘n Wild Chocolate Cooter Crotch Sensation lip pencil wound around her mouth. Aside from the really overt inappropriateness of these photos, and the fact that I’m still wondering what the hell all those short hairs are atop the crown of her head (no, really, is she going for a Kate Gosselin cut? A mullet? Is her hair that short and the rest is just a budget weave?), the bottom line is that IT’S COLD. And YOU CAN TELL.

December 20, 2011 at 7:30 am by Sarah

7Christmas Miracle: Courtney Stodden Is Doing The 12 Days of Christmas

In case you couldn’t tell already, Courtney Stodden is a true expert at getting into the Christmas spirit. For the past month, her glorious Twitter has been all about the holiday season: she calls Santa things like “sweet Santa of seduction,” “Santa of Ravishment,” and “Mr. Moist Saint Nick.” And if that doesn’t convince you that Courtney takes Christmas seriously, maybe this will: she’s doing the 12 days of Christmas. And it’s wonderful.

So far we’re just on day four, but this is what Courtney’s true love has given her so far:

On the 1st day of Christmas my true love gave to me: A pretty pair of pink panties…

On the 2nd day of Christmas my true love gave to me: Two tiny tees…

On the 3rd day of Christmas my true love gave to me: Three thick thesauri…

On the 4th day of Christmas my true love gave to me: Four faux furs…

Oh goodness, you guys.  ”Three thick thesauri,” I can’t.  It’s too early, it’s too much, I just can’t.  And just imagine how wondrous the next eight days are going to be!  In my wildest dreams, the 12th day of Christmas brings “twelve twinkling tweakers,” complete with a photo of Courtney surrounded by crackheads covered in body glitter.  What about yours?

December 18, 2011 at 5:00 am by Emily

9Courtney Stodden Was “Too Sexy ‘N Hot for High School,” Has A Crush on John McCain

This girl, I swear. It’s like every single time I go “Courtney Stodden, you’ve topped yourself. You seriously can’t get any better than this,” she just goes and proves me wrong. This is one of those times.

Here, I’ll show you some of my favorite excerpts from this interview Courtney did with Zap2it, ok? You’ll see what I mean.

What super power would you like to have?
I would find it breathtaking to be able to feel what it’s like to fly… Wait. I’m already flying – flying on the wings of love!

Is there another celebrity you’ve always wanted to meet and haven’t yet?
I’d love to meet Senator John McCain one day. What a cutie!

What’s a surprising activity you do in your free time?
I love taking invigorating hikes with my precious pink pooch Bazaar and my mother throughout the hills of Hollywood. Oh and did I mention that I do that in 7-inch stilettos?! ;)

What clique did you belong to in high school?
The ‘too sexy ‘n hot for high school’ clique. ;)

Hiking in stilettos? Crushing on John McCain? “Flying on the wings of love”? Courtney, stop, you’re too much!

Go ahead and read the rest of the interview, ok? Because I think Courtney Stodden is this year’s Christmas miracle.

(more…)

December 16, 2011 at 11:30 am by Emily

15Courtney Stodden Came Out of The Womb “Like Meow”

That’s right, Courtney‘s sexiness comes from the soul. It was given to her by God himself upon her creation, so of course it is something she holds very dear.

Other divine powers that Courtney possesses include the ability to maintain her sexy (???) physique on a diet of donuts, ice cream, and Sprite and the ability to nourish her husband as a vitamin. She also obviously was given the gift of song and an unmatched sense of style. Her ethereal beauty is just further proof that she was blessed from the beginning.

OH MY GOD, YOU GUYS, DO YOU THINK SHE HOLDS HER POWERS IN THAT TRASHY ARM BAND?!?!?!?!

December 12, 2011 at 5:30 pm by Emily

6Today’s Courtney Stodden

I have titled my post “Today’s Courtney Stodden” because every night she goes to bed in stilettos and bunny ears and somehow wakes up a new woman. Today’s Courtney Stodden is nothing like Yesterday’s Courtney Stodden.

What I am saying is, Today’s Courtney is wearing a leopard-print synthetic-fur coat and not much else. Do you know what is in a synthetic-fur coat? Acrylic. Coal. Petroleum. Limestone. It’s true. Look it up.

Wait, what?

I don’t know. I’m sorry. I always want to be insightful when I blog, but try as I might, it is very nearly impossible to preface these photos of Courtney Stodden in a red bikini, just hoochying it up on some random sidewalk. (To be fair, the teen was taping a thingie for Funny or Die, but at this point I’m like “Courtney Stodden wore a bikini out in broad daylight? And in public? And in a residential neighborhood? And she stole my ex-boyfriend’s mom’s faux-fur coat? Zzz.”)

Here’s some actual celeb gossip: earlier this week, Courtney Stodden and husband/senior citizen Doug Hutchison turned down a starring role on a reality TV show because—oh, never mind.

(Images via Yeeeah! except seriously don’t bother because every photograph looks exactly the same.)

December 10, 2011 at 4:00 am by Jenn