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Courtney Stodden

5Courtney Stodden’s Got A Classy New Website!

A photo of Courtney Stodden

LOL, no, not really. I’m sorry. Well, Courtney Stodden does have a new website, but it’s not classy. In no way is it classy. You guys didn’t think it was classy, did you?

But anyway, back to Courtney’s new site. It’s still in the process of coming together, but it’s going to be fantastic, really, you can just tell. There’s a boutique section, and while nothing’s there yet, the site assures you that it is “busy getting the hottest posters and pics ready for you.” I know most of us have dreamed for so long of getting an actual poster of Courtney to hang in our homes, and I can’t believe this dream is almost coming true!

There’s also a gallery that, so far, only has a few pictures of Courtney lying in a bed, tangled up in some sheets, and a video section that has the videos from her YouTube page. There’s also a section for her songs, but there aren’t any up yet. BUT, when she releases her new single, it will go straight on the website, and VIP members get to hear it first! I signed up for the VIP membership, because why wouldn’t I, so I suppose I’ll hear first when this surely legendary song comes out. Oh, the possibilities!

My favorite part so far though has got to be the “About” section:

Courtney Alexis Stodden was born on August 29th, 1994, in Tacoma, Washington.

At the age of fifteen, Courtney was crowned Miss Ocean Shores Wa. Teen USA in Donald Trump’s Miss USA Organization.

The young model’s passion for music led to her composing and recording several original homegrown songs/videos. One of which –Don’t Put It On Me Girl — has garnered over 3.5 million YouTube views to date.

In just nine short months — since moving to Los Angeles in May 2011 — the seventeen year old has captivated the attention of Hollywood and international media at large with her extraordinary beauty, daring personality, and fearless persistence foralways “being herself”.

Courtney’s meteoric celebrity has garnered the young rising star a number of accolades including VH-1’s Top 40 Winningest Winners of 2011 , Fox411’s Breakout Web Celeb of 2011, and The Huffington Post’s Biggest Celebrity Story of 2011.Thus far, in 2012, Courtney’s recorded a brand new song entitled Reality , in the process of producing the accompanied music vid, modelling for various projects including AIDS Fight organization Be-the-Link, a celebrity spokesperson for animal rights group PETA, starring in episodes on the internet comedic sensation Funny or Die, and in the process of creating her own online magazine called Courtney.

Ouch, no mention of poor Doug? If it wasn’t for that creeper, no one would ever even know she existed. And speaking of her existence, I’m not quite so sure that her “extraordinary beauty” is what captivated us. I really believe it had more to do with that creepy factor I just mentioned.

Well, that’s the rundown. Will any of you be joining me in my VIP membership, or should I just let you know how things are going from the inside?

March 9, 2012 at 7:30 am by Emily
Filed Under: Courtney Stodden

13Courtney Stodden Wants to Show You Her Closet

A photo of Courtney Stodden

For some reason, Courtney Stodden seems to think that we’re all really envious of her amazing fashion sense and that we would love her to help us dress ourselves. I think she actually believes that she’s not just a model, not just a singer, but also the number one fashion icon of our time.

Regardless of what Courtney’s intentions are, this girl is damn good at getting people to talk about her and to think about her, and ever since I saw all these pictures from The Daily Mail of Courtney showcasing her clothes, I’ve been thinking about a number of things.

- Why does she have this many feather boas? Seriously, why? Can anyone give me a single solid reason why she would have that many boas? It’s really bothering me.

- If she has that many different pairs of shoes, then why does she wear the same pair over and over?

- Do people really have their bras just scattered all over like that, or is she just trying to be sexy? Or do people leave their bras scattered like that BUT she’s just trying to be sexy? Either way, I’m sure she think it’s super hot.

- Why isn’t there a picture of Courtney showing off her trashy armband collection? Oh, is it just because she only has the one and it’s already melted onto her skin?

- Is it just me, or does she kind of look like she’s actually 17 here?

I hope you can answer some of these questions for me, you guys. I can’t tell you how often Courtney haunts my dreams, but I haven’t been sleeping well recently, and I’d really appreciate if for one night this scintillating, sultry siren should so select to surrender my seriously substandard slumber for a sustained spell. That’s Courtney speak for “please explain this bitch to me, ’cause I’m tired as hell and I need a nap.” Thanks!

February 24, 2012 at 11:30 am by Emily
Filed Under: Courtney Stodden

7More Celebrities Who Do Marilyn Monroe: Courtney Stodden!

photo of courtney stodden as marilyn monroe pictures photos
No joke – when I saw these photos early, early this morning, I grasped at my heart and said, “Oh my God no.” My husband immediately came into the kitchen from the living room, where he was eating his Chocolate Cheerios and watching something on ESPN and said, “What?! Is it time?” because my due date is only five days away and this baby is still checked into the Hotel Uterinel. And I said, “No, no … It’s just these Courtney Stodden pictures. She’s so awful, yet I feel compelled to write about her each and every time.” He acknowledged this with a grim, knowing smile and a nod and took his half-eaten bowl of cereal back into the living room for a while longer.

I sat and I pored over these photos for the better part of 30 minutes, taking in each and every inch of Courtney’s exposed, underaged body. Which looks nothing like Marilyn Monroe’s did. Marilyn Monroe would be laughing Courtney off the roof if she were alive today, seeing this homage. And because you know how obsessed with Marilyn Monroe Courtney Stodden is, she’d be crushed:

photo of courtney stodden twitter pictures
Yes, you remember. “Perfect fit” my ass.

Back to the photos, though, because at one point, I choked and sputtered again, to an audience of one – the dog. Since my husband had left for work, I turned to my coonhound-with-an-emotional-complex-named-Sadie and said, “OH MY GOD THERE’S NO ARMBAND. WHERE’S THE ARMBAND?” She looked at me like the world was ending, whined for a few minutes, and scratched at the door to be let out. (I almost had to go to the bathroom after that bombshell, too, girl.)

Also, since we didn’t really talk *too* much about Valentine’s Day other than running Court and Doug’s now-famous Lady and the Tramp-themed dinner and mini-cruise (read: quickie photo op on some dude’s boat that never left the marina) photos, here was her singular Tweet from the Big Day:

Feelin like a velvety Valentines vixen as I strip off my clothes to dip myself in a bowl of creamy & delicious dark cherry chocolate! SWEET!

Sweet indeed, Courtney. Guess somebody was pretty busy that day, huh?

February 17, 2012 at 7:30 am by Sarah
Filed Under: Courtney Stodden

8Courtney Stodden Was a Tramp for Valentine’s Day

photo of courtney and doug lady and the tramp pictures spaghetti dinner photos pic
But of course I’m making a play on words here – I’d never insinuate that Courtney Stodden was an outright tramp – how ludicrous! I’m simply talking about the Disney flick, Lady and the Tramp, because they’re OBVIOUSLY reenacting the famous dog-eating-spaghetti scene. I’m not sure who’s supposed to be “Lady” and who’s supposed to be “Tramp,” but I think it’s a safe bet to say that Doug Hutchison is no tramp. I mean, Courtney’s probably the first chick he’s ever slept with (and that still triggers my gag reflex, even after Chocolate! Cheerios!), so there’s that, too.

Oh, and Happy Valentine’s Day to you! Are you and your significant other doing anything special for the big day? I’m not a big fan of the day, myself. I think it’s a commercialized waste of time, celebrated in order to get people to indulge in consumerism and frankly get themselves in trouble if they don’t live up to others’ expectations. Seriously. I know people – actual, you know, adults – who’ve gone as far as to get into a week-long funk over what their boyfriend or girlfriend did or didn’t do for The Special Day. Come on. If your SO isn’t treating you well and making you feel valued the other 364 days out of the year, then maybe you’ve got even bigger problems than he or she not getting you a ginormous box of chocolates and a crooning greeting card.

Anyway, this set of photos depict what Courtney and Doug Hutchison did for their special day, and as you can tell, it all revolved around shared spaghetti dinners, mounting tables, and eating strawberries on small boats that D & C can’t afford to pull out of the marina.

Last, I think Courtney might be wearing a Victoria’s Secret thong with her bathing suit top. One, the black fabric’s color and texture don’t exactly match the top, and two, it looks just like a Victoria’s Secret thong. Note to Courtney, maybe? Don’t buy the expensive, over-priced bikini if you can’t afford both pieces. Sometimes there are concessions you have to make in life, and this might be one of ‘em, girl.

February 14, 2012 at 4:30 am by Sarah

1Courtney Stodden is a Mesmerizing, Medicinal, Mercurial Mermaid

And you know what I’m disappointed about? The awful absence of awesome alliteration. Yeah, we got the typical double-entendre of “Ooh! I’m all wet!” but that kind of humor can’t hold a candle to Courtney’s candid and off-the-cuff conceptualization of connoted, clandestine cunnilingus. Oh, and also using the Lord’s name to sexualize your dreams. Courtesy of Courtney’s Twitter:

Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart. Psalms 37:4

I think that reads heart, Courtney, and not cooch. You know, HEART? COOCH? No. Not even close.

So anyway, this is Courtney Stodden’s latest project for In a nutshell, two friends go fishing for that “big score,” and after catching little fish with little hooks, they try a big hook. And they hook a big hooker mermaid who is, you guessed it, Courtney Stodden! While luxuriously laying on limestone, Courtney shakes her tits and ruffles her damp hair as the camera pans to catch the boys’ slack-jawed expressions as she makes her “Ooh!” comment and various sexual squeaks.

Man. Is there anything this girl can’t do?

February 8, 2012 at 6:30 am by Sarah
Filed Under: Courtney Stodden

12Let’s Take A Stodden Break!

A photo of Courtney Stodden

I don’t know about you guys, but it’s kind of been a weird few days for me. I haven’t been doing so great on Puzzle Quest 2. My mom made me cry. I took my guinea pig to the vet because he’s been itchy, and the vet charged me $30 to stick a piece of scotch tape to my guinea pig’s fur and look at it under a microscope. I willingly spent an hour and half watching the season finale of Kourtney and Kim Take New York and taking notes, and I enjoyed myself. It’s just weird around here right now.

I figured that at least some of you guys were probably feeling a little off as well – maybe you’re sad, maybe you’re in some kind of funk, or maybe you’re just bored – and that it would do us all some good to take our mind off things. And that is the reason I am introducing the Stodden Break.

Take a few moments during your day, when you’re feeling stressed or upset or what have you, and think about Courtney Stodden. Think about her trashy armband and her shitty music. Think about her creepy relationship. Really consider Courtney Stodden, ok? And now come back to reality. Take a deep breath, in through the nose, out through the mouth. Don’t you feel better?

I really think that by setting aside this time – taking a Stodden Break – we can all realize that, in the long run, our lives could be a lot more f*cked up. Alternately, we can all have at least a few minutes of giggles. Either we, we all win!

For today’s Stodden Break, we’re going to just start off easy by reviewing some of her latest tweets. I want you to study these, mull them over, then let me know how you feel, all right?

It’s getting just a little heated out here! Slipping & sliding in desirous dirt as I begin to hose down my hotblooded Brazilian bikini body.

Playfully licking frosting off of the tips of my tasty fingers while I plunge into a precious pile of soft feather boa scarves – MEOW! XOs

Baking creamy chocolate chip cookies in a lil lingerie apron & high heels as all of us here prepare to enter into a naughty Saturday night!

Sweetly saturating my stimulated self beneath the shining sun as the starry sparkles on my stripped shape sublimely shimmer shades of sugar.

Feeling fine & fresh as I fervently find myself tidying up tonight in a flirty french-maid outfit. Do you need anything polished? Meow!

Boldly baring my bust & buns as I break out of these clothes & into my bronzed birthday-suit for a very bad & bawdy night. XOs

Amorously hanging around the house tonight in a mens milky t-shirt as it delicately drapes off of my exposed physique ;) muah!

Dressed up today like a little erotic rocker as I prepare to sinuously step into a day that’s filled with nothing but compelling creation…

Now how do you feel?

January 31, 2012 at 11:30 am by Emily
Filed Under: Courtney Stodden