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Courtney Stodden

Courtney Stodden and Doug Hutchison Do Funny or Die

And I am loving it, you guys, I am absolutely loving it. Well, except all that makeup on Courtney‘s boobs, that’s a little distracting. And I’m not making that up, right? She does use makeup to make her implants look bigger, doesn’t she? But anyway, I’m loving this video so much because it almost, almost distracts me from the fact that this is a married couple consisting of a 51-year-old man and a 17-year-old girl.

I was seriously watching this video, giggling every now and then because I enjoy Jason Alexander so, and it made me like Courtney a little because this made it seem like she was in on the joke. It made it seem like she was aware of how ridiculous she always looks, and even that she aimed to be that ridiculous. I actually thought “way to go, Hutchisons! Live your life and don’t worry about all those haters!” But then I remembered that the haters existed because these two are married in real life, and that’s disturbing.

Speaking of things that are disturbing, E! asked Courtney’s mom if she thought the Funny or Die clip went too far:

“They were not at all offended,” she told E! News. “Courtney is so funny, and with her sense of humor, and Doug’s too, they are able to be confident in who they are as people. They can take something and like it and laugh and be OK with it. They were the first ones to think it’s a funny thing.

“If someone spends the day with Courtney and Doug, they would win them over. They’re able to rise above everything. With Courtney, it flows off her back like water off a duck’s back. She’s so secure, she can take anything and look at the funny side. Criticism does not get her down at all.”

And, yet again, I am completely disgusted but completely unable to look away. Curse you, Hutchisons, and the spell you have cast on me!

Doug Hutchison Only Owns Two Shirts

photo of courtney stodden and doug hutchison hollywood boulevard 2012 pics photos
So, alright. That’s a lie, I guess. If you count the Santa outfit (that, I don’t know, may or may not have been a rental), he’s got three shirts, but the only one I ever see him wear is this stupid Amsterdam shirt. And that stupid beanie. And those dirty-assed jeans. Alright. So we’ve confirmed that Doug Hutchison actually only has ONE outfit, unless you’re counting that Santa getup. Which probably was a rental at one point, but was “donated” to Hutchison after he tried to return it with creepy, crusty stains on the interior lining.

Also, is Courtney Stodden cutting … the inside of her elbow? I mean, it seems like a strange place to bloodlet, but this is just a kid we’re talking about DESPITE the fact that she looks like a Real Housewife. But wait, now, hang on a second – before Demi Lovato goes and calls me out via Twitter for being a nasty little c-nt bent on destroying them fragile peoples one by one, I’m going to say, “Just kidding! It’s actually just what her vagina probably looks like from excessive spray tanning coupled with a general lack of patience for standing still and not tic-ing out for three minutes while the orange shellac dries.”

Finally, did you guys know that you can own your very own piece of Courtney Stodden? Turns out she’s auctioning off a pair of Steve Madden pumps on eBay. And they’re signed, too. Right now the current bid’s up to $127.50 (plus shipping, LULZ!), but don’t worry: you’ve still got 6 days to count your pennies for these shiny, sexy, Stodden stilettos.

Images courtesy of Socialite Life

Get Into the Groove: Courtney Stodden (Yes, Again) Wants to Start an Internet Trend

photo of courtney stodden pictures photos pics
Yup, and it has nothing to do with “planking” or “owling,” whatever the hell that one was. Courtney Stodden wants to – ahem, see above – start a fad called “floor flashing.” And who knows – it might actually catch on, if she used a hash tag to promote it. That shit spreads like wildfire.

I don’t really care much about Courtney‘s new endeavor, however. What I want to talk about is how her tits, while she’s laying on the floor, look exactly as they do when she’s upright. What the hell is that? Honestly, if you don’t know what I mean, turn your monitor or screen on its side. Or, you know, be a computer whiz and rotate the photo to make it look like she’s standing instead of lying on her damn kitchen floor looking like she’s ready for the pool boy to give her the hose. See? Tits – the same. Apparently the same tits that’re there when she’s strutting her stuff in her halter tops and clear-strapped gel bras.

In short? Those bitches must be like rocks.

Courtney Stodden/Chris Crocker Collaboration Now in the Works

Photo: CROCKERSTODDEN: the unholy Frankenstein of social media whoring

We haven’t seen too much of Chris Crocker around these parts lately—although, back in June, we did see too much of Chris Crocker’s parts. I think we all needed a six-month vacation from Mr. Crocker. You’re welcome.

But Crocker, an unabashed whore for fame—which is refreshing in its own way—is looking to again raise his, um, profile. And what better woman to pave Crocker’s road to stardom than the inimitable Courtney Stodden! He can ride her transparent bra-straps to Internet infamy.

PopBytes has a transcript of the brainstorm in action:

ChrisCrocker: @CourtneyStodden Courtney, I just feel like we’re kindred spirits. Shall I make a #LeaveCourtneyAlone video?

CourtneyStodden: @ChrisCrocker Our souls are timelessly connected Chris – That video would be such a divine creation! Love you… muah! XOs

ChrisCrocker: @CourtneyStodden That means so much, Court. (if I may call u that.) I hope that someday we can have tea and cross our legs like girlfriends!

CourtneyStodden: @ChrisCrocker Let’s hookup… message my private contact ;) facebook.com/therillcourtne… &/or youtube.com/courtneystodden

A “divine creation“? More like an “unholy union.”

There you have it, Crocker: unsurprisingly, Courtney Stodden is totally on board with whatever it is your sneaky little brain is cooking up. I just love it when artists collaborate.

Well, kids? When you put two Wrongs together, can they make a Right?

Courtney + Chris =
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Gee, Courtney Stodden, I Didn’t Know You Liked Books

photo of courtney stodden in a bookstore pictures photos pics 2012
Hell, I didn’t even know she could read. I’m pretty sure they get into the really, really in-depth English stuff in the 9th grade, and I’m not sure she actually made it there (she was probably preparing for her bachelorette party or choosing wedding flowers or something), so unless the book is Go, Dog, Go! or Snooki’s latest monstrosity, I’m willing to bet her purchases didn’t exactly top the charts in classical reading. I mean, hell, you even need a reading level of grade 12 to understand Roots, so I’m not exactly giving her the benefit of the doubt here, guys.

I don’t know, though – maybe I should. Courtney here seems to be the master of alliteration, and to be that good requires a relatively strong, healthy vocabulary. Courtney would need a good, strong vocabulary to circumnavigate constant conquests of converging beyond constant, catty, completely cantankerous criticism closing in concisely around her. But COURTNEY CAN’T CAPITULATE.

Here are some of her most recent Tweets, and if this doesn’t kick your New Year off in the right direction, well, friends. You’re probably better off back in 2011 where Kim Kardashian‘s Kohl’s Kollection hit stores and people actually kared.

From Courtney’s Twitter:

“Soakin up my bikini bod in a very heated hot tub overlooking LA as my charming new guard flauntingly feeds me chocolate dipped strawberries.”

Right. And:

“Had such a vivacious adventure @ Venice Beach today. Now its time for this tasty temptress to tiptoe into 2012 – HAPPY NEW YEAR! Muah XOs…”

And of course, we can’t forget about how she spends her mornings:

“Placed outside on my patio –provocatively wrapped in a sheer white sheet while enjoying the morning shine & a savory berry breakfast. Muah!”

Lastly, what would life be like if we weren’t subjected to constant Tweets about her and her grandpa’s sex life?:

“Romance becomes restless as I angelically swing above the bed wearing nothing but wings! Sweet dreams XOs”

Each and every time girlfriend appears on my Twitter feed, I know that I’m in for a pleasant surprise, and incidentally, I have a feeling that 2012 is going to be her year. The Year of Courtney Stodden. The Year of the Classy, Beautiful Edge of Old Hollywood brought to you explicitly by Courtney Stodden. I mean, has anyone actually ever died of anticipation? This girl’s going to be the first victim.

My head’s positively spinning. Courtney Stodden’s already been so busy this year, you guys. What have you done in the last forty-eight hours that’s actually made any difference, huh?

The 5 Best (and Worst!) ‘Stars Without Makeup’ of 2011

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Ah, how often we forget that celebrities are actually “real” people, much like we are, and how grafitying it can be to see them doing normal things like going to the gym, buying coffee, and wearing hats to try and disguise just how normal they are.

Here’re the 5 Best Celebrities Without Makeup of 2011:

#5 – Sammi Giancola
photo of sammi giancola jersey shore no makeup hot pics
So, right, I realize that she’s not technically without makeup, but compared to what she *usually* looks like, this is as bare-faced as it gets, guys.

#4 – Miranda Kerr
photo of miranda  kerr no  makeup pics photos
This one is kind of a given, because if you’re a Victoria’s Secret supermodel, you’re contractually obligated to look like this. OF COURSE she’s going to show up on the “good” side of this list somewhere.

#3 – Khloe Kardashian
photo of khloe kardashian no makeup pics
Some of you probably think that it’s a joke, or a mistake, that Khloe ended up on this side of the post, but compared to her older drama queen sisters, Khloe-sans-makeup is refreshing enough to make you forget that she doesn’t look all that great in comparison to what she looks like with makeup. So in the paradox world of the Kardashians, that makes her look AMAZING in the real world.

#2 – Kirstie Alley
photo of kirstie alley no makeup pictures photos
Here’s another one that might have you scratching at your head, but Kirstie here is included on the ‘Best’ list because she looks her AGE. And she goes out in public not really giving a f-ck about what people think about her face, and that’s probably more attractive than most of the plasticky people we talk about overall.

#1 – Jennifer Love Hewitt
photo of jennifer love hewitt pictures no makeup photos
Bitch please. Did you think you were going to escape 2011 without at least one more “I LOVE JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT” post?

Jump in for the worst!

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But What Did You Get for Christmas, Courtney Stodden?

A photo of Courtney Stodden

Last week, I jumped the gun a little by telling you that Courtney Stodden was sharing her 12 (wrong) days of Christmas on her Twitter. However, this year, for me, anyway, Courtney Stodden has really become synonymous with Christmas joy, so I really feel like I would be amiss by not sharing with you guys what exactly Courtney’s true love gave to her:

On the 1st day of Christmas my true love gave to me: A pretty pair of pink panties…

On the 2nd day of Christmas my true love gave to me: Two tiny tees…

On the 3rd day of Christmas my true love gave to me: Three thick thesauri…

On the 4th day of Christmas my true love gave to me: Four faux furs…

On the 5th day of Christmas my true love gave to me: Five frisky flings…

On the 6th day of Christmas my true love gave to me: Six Salacious Santas…

On the 7th day of Christmas my true love gave to me: Seven sexy swimsuits…

On the 8th day of Christmas my true love gave to me: Eight Erotic Elves…

On the 9th day of Christmas my true love gave to me: Nine Naughty Nighties…

On the 10th day of Christmas my true love gave to me: Ten tickley toys…

On the 11th day of Christmas my true love gave to me: Eleven elegant earrings…… Can you guess where the extra earring goes? ;) XOs

On the 12th day of Christmas my true love gave to me: Twelve tempting truffles… Have a very Merry Christmas everyone! God Bless XOs

And there you have it, friends.  I hope your holiday season is just as lovely as Courtney’s, and that we all have a glorious 2012 together (and yes, Courtney is included. You don’t really think we’re going to leave her behind, do you?).