4Courtney Stodden Sh-ts All Over Your Holiday Again

Big question right off the bat – I know that we talk about Courtney‘s Xena Warrior Princess(TM) armband on the regular, but I really want to know: if she takes that thing off, will her arm fall off? Do you guys remember hearing a scary story back in the day about the man who married the lady with the green ribbon around her neck, and he fell in love with her and married her, despite the fact that she always had this green ribbon around her neck, and after awhile it began to NAG at him MORE and MORE and he’d hound her to take it off because it bothered him so and she’d always say, “You’ll be sorry if I do,” “You’ll be sorry if I do,” so one night he couldn’t take it anymore and he decided to CUT the ribbon off while she slept, and you know what happened then? -deep intake of breath- HER HEAD FELL OFF.

I know we’re probably not that lucky with Courtney, here, but we can still wax conspiracy theory as to why she wears that thing so much. It’s either what I just said, or that thing is covering up a big old gang tattoo. And I think that reason’s just as entertaining as the first in its own way.

Anyway, these are the photos that Courtney had taken to commemorate the Easter holiday, because nothing says, “Celebrate Spring!” or “Celebrate the Resurrection!” quite like ho-bag bunnies with plastic composite prostheses in Lucite heels.

April 7, 2012 at 7:00 am by Sarah

6PETA Backs Courtney Stodden While Courtney Stodden Backs PETA

And my IQ just dropped a whole thirty points lower because I wrote that headline. Yes, Courtney Stodden has been contracted by PETA to push their anti-animal cruelty agenda, and who better to accommodate young, impressionable audiences than a seventeen-year-old girl who’s married to a dude that’s about to collect social security? Right on! Maybe there should be a foundation out there to protect young women out there from making stupid-ass decisions and marrying sexual T-Rexes who should actually have the last name “Hutchinson” because it’s way easier to type than “Hutchison.” I f-ck it up every time, man.

Anyway, the best part of the clip is when Courtney says “I switched to a vegetarian.” What does that even mean? And what does it have to do with tits? Because the only message I’m getting from this video is that the science behind plastic surgery is, though disturbing and often misused, unbelievable.

The video gets pretty graphic at the 1:26 mark (don’t say I didn’t warn you, because the cow head spurting blood didn’t make me very happy, because I love animals despite the fact that I eat meat), so tune out or skip past it or close your eyes for a few seconds, because guys, it’s not pretty, but that’s PETA for you. They make a living off of promoting brutal videos of animal slaughter in an attempt to scare people into “switching to a vegetarian,” and not to open Pandora’s box or anything, but how is that any different than the uber-conservative, uber-graphic anti-abortion videos that show babies in utero … well, you know what I mean. Disturbing. And I don’t like it. I had a hard time watching the rest of the video because of it, for fear that there’d be more animal cruelty that’d scar my psyche for the rest of my life and really f-ck up being able to sate my hamburger cravings for a while.

Also? Here’s a little Courtney tidbit in case you were interested, or not in the VIP club on girlfriend’s new website – her dog’s name is Bizarre. Bizarre. The dog. It’s name is BIZARRE.

What? It’s appropriate, and way better than ‘Don’t Put It On Me, Girl’.

… Or IS IT?

March 27, 2012 at 11:30 am by Sarah

9Courtney Stodden Learns to Surf

Wow, how is it possible that we haven’t talked about Courtney Stodden in … what, an entire week? Guys, my Courtney withdrawal actually got so bad that I went and searched for new Courtney news the other day and I came up empty-handed, save for her awesome and amazing website, which Emily talked about last week.

These photos, however, showed right up this morning as if they just knew I was waiting for them, and when I flipped through the first couple, I knew I had hit the jackpot. Or, you know, the crack pot, if we really want to get specific.

I have a question that I need answered, and I know some of you are probably going to be thinking, “Ugh, what a stupid question. Jeez, Sarah, have you never actually left your house before? Don’t you know what it’s actually like out in the real world?” to which my answer would be, “Not in a long, long time, my dear, and it’s probably better that way for everyone.” My question, without further ado, is why the hell do people feel compelled to wear full faces of makeup to the beach? Can anyone tell me the answer? Does anyone actually have any clue? Have any of you actually ever witnessed it in real life, or is this just something strictly reserved for reality star tools?

Anyway, moving on to even more important Courtney news, though I’m having a hard time understanding what could possibly be more important than COURTNEY FANCILY FROLICKING ON THE FROTHY BEACH, Courtney’s evidently trying out a new fad in addition to her “floor flashing.” See, each Thursday night, girl chooses a Thursday Night Heartthrob, and last night’s choice was none other than John Stamos. Here’s her Tweet from last night:

Who is your Thursday night heartthrob?! Mine is @JohnStamos – meow!

And if you’re wondering, no, John Stamos did not respond to her Tweet.

And John Stamos. I didn’t even realize that she knew who he was, let alone realized that he was important enough to Tweet at him. And how is it OK by husband Doug that his wifey’s gone out to solicit the attention of other D-list male celebrities? I don’t know about you all, but if I were Courtney’s husband, I’d be jealous as hell. I’d want all of Courtney’s appealing attentions focused on me at all times, and if she ever decided to leave me for another man … I just don’t know what I’d do.

Check out more photos of Courtney on the beach in the gallery, and Happy Friday!

March 16, 2012 at 7:30 am by Sarah

5Courtney Stodden’s Got A Classy New Website!

LOL, no, not really. I’m sorry. Well, Courtney Stodden does have a new website, but it’s not classy. In no way is it classy. You guys didn’t think it was classy, did you?

But anyway, back to Courtney’s new site. It’s still in the process of coming together, but it’s going to be fantastic, really, you can just tell. There’s a boutique section, and while nothing’s there yet, the site assures you that it is “busy getting the hottest posters and pics ready for you.” I know most of us have dreamed for so long of getting an actual poster of Courtney to hang in our homes, and I can’t believe this dream is almost coming true!

There’s also a gallery that, so far, only has a few pictures of Courtney lying in a bed, tangled up in some sheets, and a video section that has the videos from her YouTube page. There’s also a section for her songs, but there aren’t any up yet. BUT, when she releases her new single, it will go straight on the website, and VIP members get to hear it first! I signed up for the VIP membership, because why wouldn’t I, so I suppose I’ll hear first when this surely legendary song comes out. Oh, the possibilities!

My favorite part so far though has got to be the “About” section:

Courtney Alexis Stodden was born on August 29th, 1994, in Tacoma, Washington.

At the age of fifteen, Courtney was crowned Miss Ocean Shores Wa. Teen USA in Donald Trump’s Miss USA Organization.

The young model’s passion for music led to her composing and recording several original homegrown songs/videos. One of which –Don’t Put It On Me Girl — has garnered over 3.5 million YouTube views to date.

In just nine short months — since moving to Los Angeles in May 2011 — the seventeen year old has captivated the attention of Hollywood and international media at large with her extraordinary beauty, daring personality, and fearless persistence foralways “being herself”.

Courtney’s meteoric celebrity has garnered the young rising star a number of accolades including VH-1’s Top 40 Winningest Winners of 2011 , Fox411’s Breakout Web Celeb of 2011, and The Huffington Post’s Biggest Celebrity Story of 2011.Thus far, in 2012, Courtney’s recorded a brand new song entitled Reality , in the process of producing the accompanied music vid, modelling for various projects including AIDS Fight organization Be-the-Link, a celebrity spokesperson for animal rights group PETA, starring in episodes on the internet comedic sensation Funny or Die, and in the process of creating her own online magazine called Courtney.

Ouch, no mention of poor Doug? If it wasn’t for that creeper, no one would ever even know she existed. And speaking of her existence, I’m not quite so sure that her “extraordinary beauty” is what captivated us. I really believe it had more to do with that creepy factor I just mentioned.

Well, that’s the rundown. Will any of you be joining me in my VIP membership, or should I just let you know how things are going from the inside?

March 9, 2012 at 7:30 am by Emily

13Courtney Stodden Wants to Show You Her Closet

For some reason, Courtney Stodden seems to think that we’re all really envious of her amazing fashion sense and that we would love her to help us dress ourselves. I think she actually believes that she’s not just a model, not just a singer, but also the number one fashion icon of our time.

Regardless of what Courtney’s intentions are, this girl is damn good at getting people to talk about her and to think about her, and ever since I saw all these pictures from The Daily Mail of Courtney showcasing her clothes, I’ve been thinking about a number of things.

- Why does she have this many feather boas? Seriously, why? Can anyone give me a single solid reason why she would have that many boas? It’s really bothering me.

- If she has that many different pairs of shoes, then why does she wear the same pair over and over?

- Do people really have their bras just scattered all over like that, or is she just trying to be sexy? Or do people leave their bras scattered like that BUT she’s just trying to be sexy? Either way, I’m sure she think it’s super hot.

- Why isn’t there a picture of Courtney showing off her trashy armband collection? Oh, is it just because she only has the one and it’s already melted onto her skin?

- Is it just me, or does she kind of look like she’s actually 17 here?

I hope you can answer some of these questions for me, you guys. I can’t tell you how often Courtney haunts my dreams, but I haven’t been sleeping well recently, and I’d really appreciate if for one night this scintillating, sultry siren should so select to surrender my seriously substandard slumber for a sustained spell. That’s Courtney speak for “please explain this bitch to me, ’cause I’m tired as hell and I need a nap.” Thanks!

February 24, 2012 at 11:30 am by Emily

7More Celebrities Who Do Marilyn Monroe: Courtney Stodden!

No joke – when I saw these photos early, early this morning, I grasped at my heart and said, “Oh my God no.” My husband immediately came into the kitchen from the living room, where he was eating his Chocolate Cheerios and watching something on ESPN and said, “What?! Is it time?” because my due date is only five days away and this baby is still checked into the Hotel Uterinel. And I said, “No, no … It’s just these Courtney Stodden pictures. She’s so awful, yet I feel compelled to write about her each and every time.” He acknowledged this with a grim, knowing smile and a nod and took his half-eaten bowl of cereal back into the living room for a while longer.

I sat and I pored over these photos for the better part of 30 minutes, taking in each and every inch of Courtney’s exposed, underaged body. Which looks nothing like Marilyn Monroe’s did. Marilyn Monroe would be laughing Courtney off the roof if she were alive today, seeing this homage. And because you know how obsessed with Marilyn Monroe Courtney Stodden is, she’d be crushed:

Yes, you remember. “Perfect fit” my ass.

Back to the photos, though, because at one point, I choked and sputtered again, to an audience of one – the dog. Since my husband had left for work, I turned to my coonhound-with-an-emotional-complex-named-Sadie and said, “OH MY GOD THERE’S NO ARMBAND. WHERE’S THE ARMBAND?” She looked at me like the world was ending, whined for a few minutes, and scratched at the door to be let out. (I almost had to go to the bathroom after that bombshell, too, girl.)

Also, since we didn’t really talk *too* much about Valentine’s Day other than running Court and Doug’s now-famous Lady and the Tramp-themed dinner and mini-cruise (read: quickie photo op on some dude’s boat that never left the marina) photos, here was her singular Tweet from the Big Day:

Feelin like a velvety Valentines vixen as I strip off my clothes to dip myself in a bowl of creamy & delicious dark cherry chocolate! SWEET!

Sweet indeed, Courtney. Guess somebody was pretty busy that day, huh?

February 17, 2012 at 7:30 am by Sarah