Which blonde bombshell celebrity is obsessed with Mitt Romney? Although she has never identified her political beliefs publicly (that we’re aware of), she apparently is in love with the candidate and told friends that if he becomes president, she someday plans on becoming his “Marilyn Monroe.”
Oh my God. Who could this be? Oh so many. What fledgling actress in Hollywood doesn’t have some weird obsession with Marilyn Monroe, jeez?
Could it be Ol’ Flop Lip? She’d definitely f-ck anything with a pulse these days, damn. Or maybe Scarlett Johansson. She definitely strikes me as someone who’d want to bed a politician, but she used to bone Sean Penn. I don’t think she’d go from Sean Penn to a Republican so fast, guys, so we can count her out. Maybe Heidi Montag? She’s about due for some cheesy-ass publicity right about now, yeah? OH! WAIT! SOLVED! COURTNEY STODDEN! SHE LOVES AMERICA AND HAS A HISTORY OF CRUSHING ON REPUBLICANS, TOO!
ACK! I SOLVED MY FIRST BLIND ITEM! CAPS LOCK CAPS LOCK CAPS LOCK!
The most important thing you need to know about the photos you’re about to see is that Courtney Stodden is not wearing the brass-tone armband. And her arm has not fallen off. And I can swear that there’re permanent indentations on both of her arms from alternating it every other Tuesday. Oh my God. It’s like looking into the eye of a tornado, or the pinnacle of the solar eclipse. I almost can’t even get a handle on myself.
Also, in Photo 4 (in the gallery), are they her knees or her tits? Just can’t tell. In Photo 7, Courtney looks about thirteen years old. Which isn’t all that much of a stretch, considering she was, just four short years ago. Photo 10—look for the return of the armband. Good thing she put it on that arm—the other one was looking a little worse for the wear.
Also, Courtney’s new single, ‘Reality’, is here, and it’s as heavy with autotune as you probably thought it’d be. It’s almost unrecognizable, and there’s just as much stuttering in it as there is in ‘Don’t Put It On Me, Girl’, too. In short? IT’S THE GREATEST.
Courtney says the song is about going clubbing and having sex on the floor with middle-aged men:
“The song is about clubbing and dancing with your sexy partner. To me, it’s a story about lust. It’s about falling in love with someone. Is it in your head, or is it lust?”
The song, in short, sucks ass. It’s as bad as anything you’d hear in the shittiest of discotheques in France, and friends, there are some shitty discotheques in Paris—but don’t let me ruin the experience for you. Check it out for yourself:
What do you guys think? Is it a rilly good song? Is it a rill depiction of falling in lust in a club? Is this song, like, your rill-ality, for rill?
Ha! Did you actually think she’d be at Target if she were spending her own? No, she’d be at a corner drugstore, scouring the seasonal clearance aisle for last holiday’s ‘A Christmas Story’-themed decor. See, Doug brings an element of class to a girl’s life, you know.
Doug and Courtney were out shopping this past weekend, where they picked up kitchen essentials like a rolling pin and a hand juicer.
In related Doug-and-Courtney news, Courtney’s new single, ‘Reality’ hits iTunes tomorrow. CAN YOU EVEN BELIEVE IT. Rumor has it that the song’s going to be blow her self-written anthem, ‘Don’t Put It On Me, Girl’ out of the water, but I’m having a hard time believing that, because really—what could possibly be better than this?:
Oh, right, yes. Her new single, ‘Reality’. Here’s a sample:
That’s quality work right there, folks. Will you be setting your alarms for midnight so you can be one of the first to buy Courtney’s new song?
Of course she wasn’t playing by herself, guys. Someone was spiking the ball into the ground so she could show off her cleavage canyon. Someone was taking pictures. And I’m pretty sure those someones aren’t real friends or anything, because come on. Yesterday was Tuesday. It was a school day. All of her friends were probably sitting in science class or something while she frolicked on the beach in a tutu and no—oh my God no—Lucite stripper heels.
Anyway, she wasn’t wearing them at least while she “played.” When she flipped her bike over in the sand and began “working” on it, she put the heels back on, because I’m sure it’s much easier to fix a bicycle while wearing heels that sink six inches into the sand and pin you to the ground than it would be to wear, you know, nothing at all. Gotta keep yourself grounded somehow while repairing those pesky, unpredictable bikes, you know?
One thing’s for sure—Courtney Stodden isn’t going away anytime soon, and knowing that is like having a big, pink, fluffy, feathery pillow of job security. Because when girl here turns eighteen, can you imagine the f-ckery she’ll be engaging in? Can you just imagine what kind of photos we’re going to be privy to in just a few short months? It’s going to be bananas, guys. Total bananas.
You know who’s turning eighteen this year? Duh. Courtney Stodden. And you know what’s going to happen when she does turn eighteen (on August 29th)? She’s going to leave this old-ass man in the dust, hook up with Vivid Entertainment, and we’re going to see some of the most intimate sides of Courtney Stodden than we’ve ever seen before (you know, things like the lines in the palms of her hands, her pinky toenail, and maybe even some armpit hair—I mean, we’ve seen everything else already).
In light of Courtney’s official countdown, she’s filming videos chronicling her voyage to the big 1-8, and since she apparently can’t get a real—excuse me, “rill“—reality show, she’s settling for filming her own and posting it on YouTube. The sad part? This video’s been up for an entire DAY, and it’s only gotten just over 3k views.
This particular segment is about Courtney’s sprained foot. Now, I’m no doctor, but I’m pretty sure that it’s actually NOT a sprained foot, and might be some kind of Staph or MRSA infection instead, what with the God-knows-what she probably picks up on those cheap Lucite stripper heels she wears everywhere. I think Shauna Sand has the same pair, or hey—maybe it’s that pair. Courtney’s a sucker for used eBay items, you know.
Anyway, she spends literally the first entire minute of the video whining about her foot, and then she calls her mom—who sounds like just as big of an idiot—and complains about her foot. This takes us to the 2:45-ish mark, where Doug enters the picture thus confirming that his career is officially f-cking over thus confirming that his career is officially f-cking over. Courtney appears in panties and a tight tank top and—obviously—complains about her foot. Doug is wearing the standard-issue skullcap that makes me want to punch him in the throat, and he tells her that she should stop wearing the stupid shoes.
This is where it gets good. Or, “good,” rather.
Guys? Courtney Stodden is, like, so embarrassing. And to be honest, Doug Hutchison looks even worse (I know, I was surprised, too). Watching the two of them interact with one another is really kind of painful. It’s like watching some kind of weird, incestuous relationship between a father and a daughter, and my skin is f-cking crawling just typing all that. Both of these characters are seriously weird birds, and I’m almost kind of excited by the prospect of this whole weird-bird thing completely imploding come Courtney’s eighteenth birthday, and you know what? I’m not sorry for it.
Sometimes I just don’t know, you guys. It’s Courtney Stodden, 17-year-old trophy wife (???) and PETA supporter. She made two videos about how “veggies are sexy,” and then she put them on YouTube. And now I’m sharing them with you.
First of all, that cucumber is not sexy. It’s delicious, because it’s a cucumber, but don’t think I don’t get what Courtney’s implying. She’s implying that she’s going to insert the cucumber into her lady parts. And that is not sexy, that is terrifying. That cucumber could impale someone. It is not physically possible for that cucumber to be sexy.
Second of all, I just can’t with those faces. And that armband. And the porn music. Ugh.
But wait! Tomatoes can be sexy too!
I can see what she was trying to say about the cucumber, but why is this tomato supposed to be sexy? Seriously, what are you supposed to do with that? And yes, I realize that I’m trying to start a serious discussion about using produce as sex toys, but I think we’re at this point in our relationship, don’t you?
And, just in case that wasn’t enough Courtney Stodden for you (I know, I know, it will never be enough), she was also kind enough to make a video of herself jumping rope in slow motion for 45 seconds:
Was the stuffed bunny on the floor as disturbing for you as it was for me?
And, speaking of disturbing, Courtney Stodden made a video just for her one true love, Doug Hutchison, and it looks like those crappy fan videos of Buffy and Angel or Ron and Hermione that I totally never watched in high school:
Well, I think I’ve left you with enough to do for the rest of the day. Keep this in mind when you’re going to the grocery store later, and also when you’re going to bed tonight. It’s what Courtney would want.