Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Courtney Stodden

Courtney Stodden Bakes in a Bra With Her Mom

photo of courtney stodden baking pictures photos
Look, guys, it’s Courtney Stodden—and her mom! And it’s just so cute that they’re bonding together in the kitchen over blank expressions and fake smiles and soy milk! Really, it doesn’t get any better than this. Unless, of course, you’re Courtney Stodden’s mom, who we don’t really talk a whole lot about here. Maybe we should start.

The lady’s name is Krista Keller, and she was on board with selling her daughter marrying Doug Hutchison from the start. Remember this quote?:

“It was a very beautiful, loving, nonsexual type of turn. It was very admirable on his end. Then he called me to tell me they were falling for each other. I could really tell my daughter had the kind of love when you want to marry a man or be with a man. Even though she was just 16, I knew it was going to take a pretty big man to handle her because of her sexuality and because of the attention she gets.”

Or, you know, better yet—this one?:

“The gay community has been so loving to her. I know that Anna Nicole Smith had a great rapport with the gay community, and I think they’ve been waiting to have someone they can connect with, and I think Courtney is that person. She is different and stands out. Frankly, we thought she’d fit in better in Hollywood.”

That’s really sweet, Ma. Comparing your daughter to a woman who had myriad mental issues and substance abuse problems, battled with weight issues for a decade, rode a bunch of old-man-dong and ended up overdosing? Super! Also, all of the gay friends that I have think Courtney’s a complete and utter weirdo. And not in a cutesy way, either.

Last, here’s a quote from Courtney’s mom about Doug himself:

“He’s not creepy. He is such a great guy, he’s so intelligent. I see why they’re together, he looks like he’s in his early 30s, and Courtney looks like he’s in her late 20s. It’s like they’re talking about someone else when they say bad things about Doug. He’s with my daughter and I wouldn’t want a creepy guy with my daughter. He’s a wonderful, great man. Doug was managing Courtney’s career, but he has so many things coming his way that he just can’t handle it all. It will be better for Courtney with me managing her. I love my daughter, and I’ve been a good parent.”

So yeah. If the photos of Courtney copiously cooking in the citchen [sic] couldn’t conquor your conscience, just check out Mom Dukes here. She’s a winner, too, folks, and she apparently doesn’t want you to forget it, either.

Images courtesy of The Superficial

So I Guess Courtney Stodden Started Doing Meth

I don’t know that for sure, and it’s not a real rumor yet, but drugs are the only thing I can think of that would make Courtney Stodden act like the damn fool she’s being in this video. I know she’s supposed to be advertising (???) an energy drink from Happy Bunny, but I don’t buy it. Unless she’s acting like a hyper little girl who’s had too much sugar – which is far, far too creepy and gross to consider this early in the morning (or, you know, ever) – then I’m going to go ahead and say meth.

To further support my meth argument, let me present this video of Courtney dancing to her new song, “Reality,” in her underwear, in front of a stripper pole:

She reminds me of one of the craziest episodes of Intervention I’ve ever seen. It was this girl who lived in a little house that belonged to her dad, and she just drank bottles of a vodka and did meth all day, then at night she stripped. She had these drawn on eyebrows that were always smudged, and she’d ask cameramen and producers to go buy her some booze or to lend her some money for drugs or whatever. She’d get naked and throw food all over her completely trashed house and talk about how she was God. It was really intense and sad. And so is Courtney Stodden.

Oh, and just in case you were still wondering whether or not vegetables can be sexy, Courtney would like to assure you, once again, that yes, vegetables can be sexy, vegetarians have way better sex, and there is little hope left for all of humanity:

Blind Item: What Blonde Bombshell Wants to Hook Up With Mitt Romney on the DL?

photo blind item mitt romney pictures

Which blonde bombshell celebrity is obsessed with Mitt Romney? Although she has never identified her political beliefs publicly (that we’re aware of), she apparently is in love with the candidate and told friends that if he becomes president, she someday plans on becoming his “Marilyn Monroe.”

Oh my God. Who could this be? Oh so many. What fledgling actress in Hollywood doesn’t have some weird obsession with Marilyn Monroe, jeez?

Could it be Ol’ Flop Lip? She’d definitely f-ck anything with a pulse these days, damn. Or maybe Scarlett Johansson. She definitely strikes me as someone who’d want to bed a politician, but she used to bone Sean Penn. I don’t think she’d go from Sean Penn to a Republican so fast, guys, so we can count her out. Maybe Heidi Montag? She’s about due for some cheesy-ass publicity right about now, yeah? OH! WAIT! SOLVED! COURTNEY STODDEN! SHE LOVES AMERICA AND HAS A HISTORY OF CRUSHING ON REPUBLICANS, TOO!


Courtney Stodden’s New Single is Here! Also, Courtney Stodden Took Nude Bath Photos!

photo of courtney stodden nude bath photos pics
The most important thing you need to know about the photos you’re about to see is that Courtney Stodden is not wearing the brass-tone armband. And her arm has not fallen off. And I can swear that there’re permanent indentations on both of her arms from alternating it every other Tuesday. Oh my God. It’s like looking into the eye of a tornado, or the pinnacle of the solar eclipse. I almost can’t even get a handle on myself.

Also, in Photo 4 (in the gallery), are they her knees or her tits? Just can’t tell. In Photo 7, Courtney looks about thirteen years old. Which isn’t all that much of a stretch, considering she was, just four short years ago. Photo 10—look for the return of the armband. Good thing she put it on that arm—the other one was looking a little worse for the wear.

Good heavens.

Also, Courtney’s new single, ‘Reality’, is here, and it’s as heavy with autotune as you probably thought it’d be. It’s almost unrecognizable, and there’s just as much stuttering in it as there is in ‘Don’t Put It On Me, Girl’, too. In short? IT’S THE GREATEST.

Courtney says the song is about going clubbing and having sex on the floor with middle-aged men:

“The song is about clubbing and dancing with your sexy partner. To me, it’s a story about lust. It’s about falling in love with someone. Is it in your head, or is it lust?”

The song, in short, sucks ass. It’s as bad as anything you’d hear in the shittiest of discotheques in France, and friends, there are some shitty discotheques in Paris—but don’t let me ruin the experience for you. Check it out for yourself:

What do you guys think? Is it a rilly good song? Is it a rill depiction of falling in lust in a club? Is this song, like, your rill-ality, for rill?

Images courtesy of Celebuzz

Courtney Stodden Spends Doug Hutchison’s Money at Target

photo of Courtney Stodden target shopping pics
Ha! Did you actually think she’d be at Target if she were spending her own? No, she’d be at a corner drugstore, scouring the seasonal clearance aisle for last holiday’s ‘A Christmas Story’-themed decor. See, Doug brings an element of class to a girl’s life, you know.

Doug and Courtney were out shopping this past weekend, where they picked up kitchen essentials like a rolling pin and a hand juicer.

Either that, or they were about to get into some really freaky shit that involved vegetables, homemade ball-gags, and extendable … never mind.

In related Doug-and-Courtney news, Courtney’s new single, ‘Reality’ hits iTunes tomorrow. CAN YOU EVEN BELIEVE IT. Rumor has it that the song’s going to be blow her self-written anthem, ‘Don’t Put It On Me, Girl’ out of the water, but I’m having a hard time believing that, because really—what could possibly be better than this?:

Oh, right, yes. Her new single, ‘Reality’. Here’s a sample:

That’s quality work right there, folks. Will you be setting your alarms for midnight so you can be one of the first to buy Courtney’s new song?

Courtney Stodden Is Still Sexually Attracted to Produce

There’s nothing quite like a good Courtney Stodden update, is there? I get so excited when I see that she’s desecrated some holiday or done some pointless photo shoot or stepped out of her house. The absolute best thing though is when she does videos. They’re always such precious gems, and I will always, always watch them. If she set up cameras in her home and left them on 24 hours a day, I would be in such a bad place because I wouldn’t want to do anything besides watch her life. I find her endlessly fascinating in a really gross sort of way. And that’s why I love her sexy vegetable videos so much.

But hey, did anyone else throw up a little over those onion boobs?

Courtney Stodden Played Beach Volleyball Alone

photo of courtney stodden at the beach playing volleyball pics
Of course she wasn’t playing by herself, guys. Someone was spiking the ball into the ground so she could show off her cleavage canyon. Someone was taking pictures. And I’m pretty sure those someones aren’t real friends or anything, because come on. Yesterday was Tuesday. It was a school day. All of her friends were probably sitting in science class or something while she frolicked on the beach in a tutu and no—oh my God no—Lucite stripper heels.

Anyway, she wasn’t wearing them at least while she “played.” When she flipped her bike over in the sand and began “working” on it, she put the heels back on, because I’m sure it’s much easier to fix a bicycle while wearing heels that sink six inches into the sand and pin you to the ground than it would be to wear, you know, nothing at all. Gotta keep yourself grounded somehow while repairing those pesky, unpredictable bikes, you know?

One thing’s for sure—Courtney Stodden isn’t going away anytime soon, and knowing that is like having a big, pink, fluffy, feathery pillow of job security. Because when girl here turns eighteen, can you imagine the f-ckery she’ll be engaging in? Can you just imagine what kind of photos we’re going to be privy to in just a few short months? It’s going to be bananas, guys. Total bananas.