Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Courtney Stodden

So I Guess Courtney Stodden Started Doing Meth

I don’t know that for sure, and it’s not a real rumor yet, but drugs are the only thing I can think of that would make Courtney Stodden act like the damn fool she’s being in this video. I know she’s supposed to be advertising (???) an energy drink from Happy Bunny, but I don’t buy it. Unless she’s acting like a hyper little girl who’s had too much sugar – which is far, far too creepy and gross to consider this early in the morning (or, you know, ever) – then I’m going to go ahead and say meth.

To further support my meth argument, let me present this video of Courtney dancing to her new song, “Reality,” in her underwear, in front of a stripper pole:

She reminds me of one of the craziest episodes of Intervention I’ve ever seen. It was this girl who lived in a little house that belonged to her dad, and she just drank bottles of a vodka and did meth all day, then at night she stripped. She had these drawn on eyebrows that were always smudged, and she’d ask cameramen and producers to go buy her some booze or to lend her some money for drugs or whatever. She’d get naked and throw food all over her completely trashed house and talk about how she was God. It was really intense and sad. And so is Courtney Stodden.

Oh, and just in case you were still wondering whether or not vegetables can be sexy, Courtney would like to assure you, once again, that yes, vegetables can be sexy, vegetarians have way better sex, and there is little hope left for all of humanity:

Blind Item: What Blonde Bombshell Wants to Hook Up With Mitt Romney on the DL?

photo blind item mitt romney pictures

Which blonde bombshell celebrity is obsessed with Mitt Romney? Although she has never identified her political beliefs publicly (that we’re aware of), she apparently is in love with the candidate and told friends that if he becomes president, she someday plans on becoming his “Marilyn Monroe.”

Oh my God. Who could this be? Oh so many. What fledgling actress in Hollywood doesn’t have some weird obsession with Marilyn Monroe, jeez?

Could it be Ol’ Flop Lip? She’d definitely f-ck anything with a pulse these days, damn. Or maybe Scarlett Johansson. She definitely strikes me as someone who’d want to bed a politician, but she used to bone Sean Penn. I don’t think she’d go from Sean Penn to a Republican so fast, guys, so we can count her out. Maybe Heidi Montag? She’s about due for some cheesy-ass publicity right about now, yeah? OH! WAIT! SOLVED! COURTNEY STODDEN! SHE LOVES AMERICA AND HAS A HISTORY OF CRUSHING ON REPUBLICANS, TOO!


Courtney Stodden’s New Single is Here! Also, Courtney Stodden Took Nude Bath Photos!

photo of courtney stodden nude bath photos pics
The most important thing you need to know about the photos you’re about to see is that Courtney Stodden is not wearing the brass-tone armband. And her arm has not fallen off. And I can swear that there’re permanent indentations on both of her arms from alternating it every other Tuesday. Oh my God. It’s like looking into the eye of a tornado, or the pinnacle of the solar eclipse. I almost can’t even get a handle on myself.

Also, in Photo 4 (in the gallery), are they her knees or her tits? Just can’t tell. In Photo 7, Courtney looks about thirteen years old. Which isn’t all that much of a stretch, considering she was, just four short years ago. Photo 10—look for the return of the armband. Good thing she put it on that arm—the other one was looking a little worse for the wear.

Good heavens.

Also, Courtney’s new single, ‘Reality’, is here, and it’s as heavy with autotune as you probably thought it’d be. It’s almost unrecognizable, and there’s just as much stuttering in it as there is in ‘Don’t Put It On Me, Girl’, too. In short? IT’S THE GREATEST.

Courtney says the song is about going clubbing and having sex on the floor with middle-aged men:

“The song is about clubbing and dancing with your sexy partner. To me, it’s a story about lust. It’s about falling in love with someone. Is it in your head, or is it lust?”

The song, in short, sucks ass. It’s as bad as anything you’d hear in the shittiest of discotheques in France, and friends, there are some shitty discotheques in Paris—but don’t let me ruin the experience for you. Check it out for yourself:

What do you guys think? Is it a rilly good song? Is it a rill depiction of falling in lust in a club? Is this song, like, your rill-ality, for rill?

Images courtesy of Celebuzz

Courtney Stodden Spends Doug Hutchison’s Money at Target

photo of Courtney Stodden target shopping pics
Ha! Did you actually think she’d be at Target if she were spending her own? No, she’d be at a corner drugstore, scouring the seasonal clearance aisle for last holiday’s ‘A Christmas Story’-themed decor. See, Doug brings an element of class to a girl’s life, you know.

Doug and Courtney were out shopping this past weekend, where they picked up kitchen essentials like a rolling pin and a hand juicer.

Either that, or they were about to get into some really freaky shit that involved vegetables, homemade ball-gags, and extendable … never mind.

In related Doug-and-Courtney news, Courtney’s new single, ‘Reality’ hits iTunes tomorrow. CAN YOU EVEN BELIEVE IT. Rumor has it that the song’s going to be blow her self-written anthem, ‘Don’t Put It On Me, Girl’ out of the water, but I’m having a hard time believing that, because really—what could possibly be better than this?:

Oh, right, yes. Her new single, ‘Reality’. Here’s a sample:

That’s quality work right there, folks. Will you be setting your alarms for midnight so you can be one of the first to buy Courtney’s new song?

Courtney Stodden Is Still Sexually Attracted to Produce

There’s nothing quite like a good Courtney Stodden update, is there? I get so excited when I see that she’s desecrated some holiday or done some pointless photo shoot or stepped out of her house. The absolute best thing though is when she does videos. They’re always such precious gems, and I will always, always watch them. If she set up cameras in her home and left them on 24 hours a day, I would be in such a bad place because I wouldn’t want to do anything besides watch her life. I find her endlessly fascinating in a really gross sort of way. And that’s why I love her sexy vegetable videos so much.

But hey, did anyone else throw up a little over those onion boobs?

Courtney Stodden Played Beach Volleyball Alone

photo of courtney stodden at the beach playing volleyball pics
Of course she wasn’t playing by herself, guys. Someone was spiking the ball into the ground so she could show off her cleavage canyon. Someone was taking pictures. And I’m pretty sure those someones aren’t real friends or anything, because come on. Yesterday was Tuesday. It was a school day. All of her friends were probably sitting in science class or something while she frolicked on the beach in a tutu and no—oh my God no—Lucite stripper heels.

Anyway, she wasn’t wearing them at least while she “played.” When she flipped her bike over in the sand and began “working” on it, she put the heels back on, because I’m sure it’s much easier to fix a bicycle while wearing heels that sink six inches into the sand and pin you to the ground than it would be to wear, you know, nothing at all. Gotta keep yourself grounded somehow while repairing those pesky, unpredictable bikes, you know?

One thing’s for sure—Courtney Stodden isn’t going away anytime soon, and knowing that is like having a big, pink, fluffy, feathery pillow of job security. Because when girl here turns eighteen, can you imagine the f-ckery she’ll be engaging in? Can you just imagine what kind of photos we’re going to be privy to in just a few short months? It’s going to be bananas, guys. Total bananas.

Watch This: Courtney Stodden’s 18th Birthday Countdown

You know who’s turning eighteen this year? Duh. Courtney Stodden. And you know what’s going to happen when she does turn eighteen (on August 29th)? She’s going to leave this old-ass man in the dust, hook up with Vivid Entertainment, and we’re going to see some of the most intimate sides of Courtney Stodden than we’ve ever seen before (you know, things like the lines in the palms of her hands, her pinky toenail, and maybe even some armpit hair—I mean, we’ve seen everything else already).

In light of Courtney’s official countdown, she’s filming videos chronicling her voyage to the big 1-8, and since she apparently can’t get a real—excuse me, “rill“—reality show, she’s settling for filming her own and posting it on YouTube. The sad part? This video’s been up for an entire DAY, and it’s only gotten just over 3k views.

This particular segment is about Courtney’s sprained foot. Now, I’m no doctor, but I’m pretty sure that it’s actually NOT a sprained foot, and might be some kind of Staph or MRSA infection instead, what with the God-knows-what she probably picks up on those cheap Lucite stripper heels she wears everywhere. I think Shauna Sand has the same pair, or hey—maybe it’s that pair. Courtney’s a sucker for used eBay items, you know.

Anyway, she spends literally the first entire minute of the video whining about her foot, and then she calls her mom—who sounds like just as big of an idiot—and complains about her foot. This takes us to the 2:45-ish mark, where Doug enters the picture thus confirming that his career is officially f-cking over thus confirming that his career is officially f-cking over. Courtney appears in panties and a tight tank top and—obviously—complains about her foot. Doug is wearing the standard-issue skullcap that makes me want to punch him in the throat, and he tells her that she should stop wearing the stupid shoes.

This is where it gets good. Or, “good,” rather.

Guys? Courtney Stodden is, like, so embarrassing. And to be honest, Doug Hutchison looks even worse (I know, I was surprised, too). Watching the two of them interact with one another is really kind of painful. It’s like watching some kind of weird, incestuous relationship between a father and a daughter, and my skin is f-cking crawling just typing all that. Both of these characters are seriously weird birds, and I’m almost kind of excited by the prospect of this whole weird-bird thing completely imploding come Courtney’s eighteenth birthday, and you know what? I’m not sorry for it.