2Courtney Stodden Does A Toddlers and Tiaras Parody

Yes, Courtney Stodden did a video parodying Toddlers and Tiaras, but she went the extra mile to gross us out by playing a seven-year-old girl playing Anna Nicole Smith. Yikes.

Just in case anyone forgot, Anna Nicole Smith was a woman who dropped out of high school during her sophomore year and eventually became a stripper. She married her first husband when she was 17 and she had her first child when she was 18. A few years later she divorced her husband, and a year after that she married a wealthy 89-year-old oil tycoon who she allegedly never lived with and who died a little over a year after their wedding. She worked as a model for Playboy and Guess jeans, she was in a handful of mediocre movies, she was a spokesperson for a dietary supplement, and she had her own reality show. She was known, at least in the later part of her life, for being a little wacky, seemingly from the effect of some sort of substance abuse. In the last few years of her life, she gave birth to a baby girl, dealt with loads of paternity drama, and saw her 20-year-old son die from an overdose. In 2007, just a few months after her son’s death, Anna died of an overdose herself.

And sure, Anna Nicole Smith was a beautiful, beautiful woman, and she was charming as hell. She had a lot of good qualities. But she’s not exactly someone to be admired, especially not by someone who has a good few things in common with her already. Courtney’s got a similar vibe, she’s got the older, richer husband, and she’s working on the reality show. It’s not hard to imagine Courtney leading the kind of life that Anna did, is it?

Also, “Courtney’s daddy is 52 and is made out of sugar.” Ugh.

May 17, 2012 at 12:30 pm by Emily

24Courtney Stodden Does Her Best Bo Derek

Oh dear. Another day, another inappropriate set of Courtney Stodden photos. You want to know what I want to know? When Kendall Jenner did her Big Inappropriate Photo Shoot, everyone freaked the f-ck out, and justifiably so, right? Well how come Courtney Stodden can parade around with her ass cheeks hanging out and her implants flapping in the breeze and her best “I’m getting thrashed by a meat stick on the regular” face on and NO ONE CARES? Is it because her mother practically sold her into slavery by “allowing” her to marry Doug Hutchison? Is it because, yeah, even though Courtney’s only seventeen years old (and has apparently been doing this for awhile now), it’s OK because now she’s Doug’s “property”?

I get that she wants to do it, guys. I get that, and I’d respect that if it weren’t for the fact that she still isn’t legally allowed to make her own decisions. And I’d respect it if it weren’t for the fact that she’s a half-inch of gold lame fabric away from turning everyone who looks at her photos into pedophiles, and before you go off saying “She’s almost eighteen!” let me refresh your memory—this photo? It was taken a year ago. When Courtney was only sixteen:

And as you can see, things haven’t changed all that much.

You know what? I rest my case.

May 15, 2012 at 4:30 pm by Sarah

4What Does Courtney Stodden Do All Day?

Really, what does she do? Does she have business meetings with her mom where they discuss what activity she could do while wearing a bikini next? Does she spend time scouring the internet and making notes of special holidays and their dates so she can be sure to do an appropriately themed photo shoot? Does she have a support group that she attends for people who are sexually attracted to vegetables?

I kind of don’t think so. I think Courtney spends the vast majority of her time doing stupid shit like this. I think she wakes up, puts on a bikini, begs Doug to take her to Target or whatever, and then twiddles her thumbs and applies self tanner until she comes up with enough words that start with the same letter to make a coherent thought to share with Twitter or an idea for another dumb video, just like this one.

Also, when I was in middle school, all the grown ups made a Very Big Deal about how you were not ever, ever supposed to see how many marshmallows you could fit in your mouth because you could die. So on top of being raw, racy, and ravenous, Courtney’s also being just plain reckless. Were those ten marshmallows worth it, Courtney?

May 13, 2012 at 7:00 am by Emily

13Courtney Stodden Bakes in a Bra With Her Mom

Look, guys, it’s Courtney Stodden—and her mom! And it’s just so cute that they’re bonding together in the kitchen over blank expressions and fake smiles and soy milk! Really, it doesn’t get any better than this. Unless, of course, you’re Courtney Stodden’s mom, who we don’t really talk a whole lot about here. Maybe we should start.

The lady’s name is Krista Keller, and she was on board with selling her daughter marrying Doug Hutchison from the start. Remember this quote?:

“It was a very beautiful, loving, nonsexual type of turn. It was very admirable on his end. Then he called me to tell me they were falling for each other. I could really tell my daughter had the kind of love when you want to marry a man or be with a man. Even though she was just 16, I knew it was going to take a pretty big man to handle her because of her sexuality and because of the attention she gets.”

Or, you know, better yet—this one?:

“The gay community has been so loving to her. I know that Anna Nicole Smith had a great rapport with the gay community, and I think they’ve been waiting to have someone they can connect with, and I think Courtney is that person. She is different and stands out. Frankly, we thought she’d fit in better in Hollywood.”

That’s really sweet, Ma. Comparing your daughter to a woman who had myriad mental issues and substance abuse problems, battled with weight issues for a decade, rode a bunch of old-man-dong and ended up overdosing? Super! Also, all of the gay friends that I have think Courtney’s a complete and utter weirdo. And not in a cutesy way, either.

Last, here’s a quote from Courtney’s mom about Doug himself:

“He’s not creepy. He is such a great guy, he’s so intelligent. I see why they’re together, he looks like he’s in his early 30s, and Courtney looks like he’s in her late 20s. It’s like they’re talking about someone else when they say bad things about Doug. He’s with my daughter and I wouldn’t want a creepy guy with my daughter. He’s a wonderful, great man. Doug was managing Courtney’s career, but he has so many things coming his way that he just can’t handle it all. It will be better for Courtney with me managing her. I love my daughter, and I’ve been a good parent.”

So yeah. If the photos of Courtney copiously cooking in the citchen [sic] couldn’t conquor your conscience, just check out Mom Dukes here. She’s a winner, too, folks, and she apparently doesn’t want you to forget it, either.

Images courtesy of The Superficial

May 10, 2012 at 12:30 pm by Sarah

3So I Guess Courtney Stodden Started Doing Meth

I don’t know that for sure, and it’s not a real rumor yet, but drugs are the only thing I can think of that would make Courtney Stodden act like the damn fool she’s being in this video. I know she’s supposed to be advertising (???) an energy drink from Happy Bunny, but I don’t buy it. Unless she’s acting like a hyper little girl who’s had too much sugar – which is far, far too creepy and gross to consider this early in the morning (or, you know, ever) – then I’m going to go ahead and say meth.

To further support my meth argument, let me present this video of Courtney dancing to her new song, “Reality,” in her underwear, in front of a stripper pole:

She reminds me of one of the craziest episodes of Intervention I’ve ever seen. It was this girl who lived in a little house that belonged to her dad, and she just drank bottles of a vodka and did meth all day, then at night she stripped. She had these drawn on eyebrows that were always smudged, and she’d ask cameramen and producers to go buy her some booze or to lend her some money for drugs or whatever. She’d get naked and throw food all over her completely trashed house and talk about how she was God. It was really intense and sad. And so is Courtney Stodden.

Oh, and just in case you were still wondering whether or not vegetables can be sexy, Courtney would like to assure you, once again, that yes, vegetables can be sexy, vegetarians have way better sex, and there is little hope left for all of humanity:

May 8, 2012 at 6:30 am by Emily

0Blind Item: What Blonde Bombshell Wants to Hook Up With Mitt Romney on the DL?

Which blonde bombshell celebrity is obsessed with Mitt Romney? Although she has never identified her political beliefs publicly (that we’re aware of), she apparently is in love with the candidate and told friends that if he becomes president, she someday plans on becoming his “Marilyn Monroe.”

Oh my God. Who could this be? Oh so many. What fledgling actress in Hollywood doesn’t have some weird obsession with Marilyn Monroe, jeez?

Could it be Ol’ Flop Lip? She’d definitely f-ck anything with a pulse these days, damn. Or maybe Scarlett Johansson. She definitely strikes me as someone who’d want to bed a politician, but she used to bone Sean Penn. I don’t think she’d go from Sean Penn to a Republican so fast, guys, so we can count her out. Maybe Heidi Montag? She’s about due for some cheesy-ass publicity right about now, yeah? OH! WAIT! SOLVED! COURTNEY STODDEN! SHE LOVES AMERICA AND HAS A HISTORY OF CRUSHING ON REPUBLICANS, TOO!

ACK! I SOLVED MY FIRST BLIND ITEM! CAPS LOCK CAPS LOCK CAPS LOCK!

May 3, 2012 at 4:30 pm by Sarah