I figured out why Christina Aguilera wears those damned leggings all of the time. Wanna know? It’s because her boyfriend, Matthew Rutler, loves big, accentuated camel toe. And what bigger, more accentuated camel toe have you seen this year besides Christina-girl’s in these photos? None. That’s right. Camel toe of the year. So before any of you go on with your “leggings are just comfy and Christina Aguilera wants to be comfy dammit” smugness, you’re wrong: it’s domestic partner camel toe fascination all the way, boys and girls, and we’ll just leave it at that for today.

Is it me, or is Christina constantly photographed either wearing ugly, ill-fitting dresses or those worn-out black leggings? I mean, did she spend all of her record royalty money on booze, pancake makeup, and Wet ‘n Wild Robust Red lipstick or something that she can’t afford to buy anything aside from basic black leggings and bad hats that completely obscure her face? Is that really where we’ve ended up going with this woman?

Did you ever want to hear the likes of Mariah Carey, Whitney Houston, Madonna, and Christina Aguilera dish about each other? Did you ever wonder if Celine Dion has a kickass Cher impression up her sleeve? Did you ever wonder if Britney Spears has had a longtime habit of referring to herself as “retarded”?

Then this video is for you, friends. Happy Saturday!

After Christina‘s performance at the AMAs over the weekend, everyone was like “oh, girl.” Actually, for the entirety of 2011, most people have been questioning what’s going on with Christina. But hey, she’s not worried, you’re not going to ruffle her feathers, she’s a curvy Latina and she’s proud of it, you hear?

Here’s what a friend of Christina’s had to say about the pop star’s self image:

“Christina loves her curves.  She’s a Latina woman with curves and since when is it not ok to have curves?” her friend said.

“She feels like she is setting an example for women and younggirls, especially Latinas.  She’s very proud of her curves.  Christina thinks she is a good role model – not everyone is super skinny and she wants girls to embrace their body type.”

Ok, let me try and sort this out.  No one’s hating on Christina for her body. Well, I take that back, I’m sure several people hate on Christina for her body, but that’s not right. No matter what Kelly Osbourne says, Christina is not fat. That’s not what this is about. This is about how Christina has gained some weight, probably thanks to her love of booze, and she refuses to change her style accordingly. She insists on going out in public time and time again without pants on, her hair and makeup are consistently awful, and … well, I’m sure you all remember the time she crammed herself into this outfit.

It’s not about curvy vs. fat or bashing someone for her weight, it’s about calling someone out when she keeps dressing so, so wrong. Christina Aguilera is absolutely beautiful when she puts on the right size and stops letting alcohol f*ck up her life. That’s something we can all agree on, right?

Just when you thought Audrina Patridge solely enjoyed the honor of looking really, really terrible at the 2011 American Music Awards, Christina Aguilera throws her hat into the ring for contention of “worst dressed,” and ladies and gentlemen, I think girlfriend here has got it in the bag. Or rather, in the bandage dress that she unceremoniously stole from Jennifer Love Hewitt’s closet like a cookie bandit in the night.

Lastly, am I the only one who’s been kind of over Maroon 5 for, like, almost seven years? Yes?

Here’s Christina’s bandage dress-studded performance at last night’s awards show. Christina emerges around the 2:17 mark.

Every now and then, there’s a blind item that I can figure out. And, I’ll admit it, I get a little cocky. I’ll post the picture of the celebrity I think the blind item refers to instead of that creepy faceless picture, and I’ll talk a little more smack. And this is definitely one of those times.

This diva had a little too much to drink at a recent Halloween party. She was fine until someone brought up the name of another female artist. Our diva began mocking her rival. When someone made the mistake of coming to the rival’s defense, our diva went ballistic, and started screaming at them: “That bitch destroyed my career! Don’t you ever, EVER mention her name in front of me again!” The defender backed off, and everyone else gave the diva a wide berth for the rest of the evening.

Christina Aguilera obviously hasn’t put down the bottle yet, and she obviously still hates Lady Gaga for her own failures. It’s almost too easy.

Any other guesses?