Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Christina Aguilera

Quotables: Christina Aguilera Wants to Be A Crackhead

A photo of Christina Aguilera

“I do want to do more acting. I want to do something where I can really sink my teeth into something a little more challenging. Really outside of myself, outside of music. I sort of had this personal aspiration to do film, but I said, ‘I never want to do a musical!’ It’s too much like myself. I want it to be honest and genuine in expanding my wings and doing something really, really different. A crackhead on the street or a drug addict. Or something crazy and meaty and juicy. Something that really took me out of myself.”

- Christina Aguilera explains how she wants to do a movie about some sort of drug but definitely not Burlesque again.

Ok, let’s really think this one through, all right? Christina Aguilera wants to play the beloved role of “a crackhead on the street,” but Christina Aguilera is no Meryl Streep. And while she had said that she never wanted to do a musical, she clearly doesn’t understand that some musicals can be “crazy and meaty and juicy.” So what’s the answer?

We write a musical just for Christina. Lots of heavy stuff, lots of crack, and lots of streets: like Next to Normal, but with crack. It’ll be a hit, she’ll win a Tony, and her wildest dreams will come true! But most importantly, we’ll get to hear Christina Aguilera sing about being a crackhead. And there is absolutely nothing that would be better than that.

Christina Aguilera Got An Offer to Represent A Plus Size Dating Site

A photo of Christina Aguilera

From TMZ:

Christina Aguilera’s Rubenesque physique could pay off in a huuuuge way — TMZ has learned she’s been offered $3 MILLION to be the face of a dating website for “big and beautiful” women.

The person behind the offer is former “America’s Next Top Model” winner Whitney Thompson — the first plus-size model to even win the show.

Whitney now runs — and fired off a letter to Aguilera, saying she’s extremely interested locking down Christina as the spokesperson for the website, which is “specifically designed for women with curves.”

As part of the deal, Aguilera would agree to at least one TV commercial, one radio commercial, two photo shoots, and four public appearances. She also wants Christina to sing a jingle for the website.

Christina has previously said she’s proud of her new “curves,” but it’s unclear yet if she’s too proud to take the money.

Oh, girl. No. Of course Christina is not going to do this. Why was this offer even made? And isn’t there a pretty big difference between “curvy” and “big and beautiful”? I know people feel the need to call themselves different adjectives to make themselves feel better, but curvy girls are not necessarily fat, and fat girls are not necessarily curvy. Christina Aguilera belongs in that first category, because she is not fat and oh my god why are people still even talking about this.

Quotables: Christina Aguilera Never Wears Panties

“I don’t like to wear underwear. I like to be as free as possible at all times. It’s just who I am. It’s empowering. It’s p–sy power!”

See, now, I’m confused. Does this mean that she *doesn’t* wear underwear? Or just that she doesn’t *like* to wear underwear? Because if she really doesn’t wear underwear, then I’m kind of confused as to what’s going on in that picture up there. If that’s not underwear squeezing the crap out of girlfriend’s figure, then what is it?

Whatever. I’m still having a hard enough time to wrap my head around the fact that Christina Aguilera’s got a Muppet taped to the nape of her neck to really consider the notion that this girl doesn’t like to wear swatches of cotton in her snatch.

How Do We Feel About Christina Aguilera’s Hair Today?

photo of christina aguilera bad hair pictures photos
Because I know lots of you guys had some pretty strong opinions about her hair when it was crack white, lavender, and this pink hot mess, so now I need to know: are we verbally fellating Christina‘s hair because it’s a thing to do, or do you, like me, think this is probably the worst hair girlfriend’s ever rocked in life?

Also, as a sidebar, I seriously need to know how much of that stuff is actually girlfriend’s own hair, and not something that she tore off Rainbow Brite’s busted-ass horse in a fit of rage when she heard that we didn’t like that ugly-assed, too-tight dress she wore last week. Because I’m sure she totally cares about that kind of stuff, you know?

Anyway, answer me this: how do we feel about Christina Aguilera’s hair today?

Love It or Leave It: I Don’t Even Know How Christina Aguilera Got in This Dress

A photo of Christina Aguilera

No, really, I can’t understand how Christina Aguilera managed to squeeze herself into this dress. I am so confused that she’s standing there, in that contraption, without looking like she’s praying for death.

Let me just give some advice real quick: if you’re completely covered up in a dress that isn’t sheer and I can still see your nipples? Your dress is too tight. If I can see the outline of your belly button, your dress is too tight. If it looks like the bottom of your dress is squeezing your thighs together so that your knees are pressed against each other and you have to walk all weird with your calves out, your dress could very well be too tight.

Now let’s get a back view:

A photo of Christina Aguilera

See what I mean about her legs? But here’s another note: if I have to wonder if that’s the outline of your thong I’m seeing, then girl. YOUR DRESS IS TOO TIGHT.

If Christina actually feels good in this dress, then good for her. But I just don’t see how it’s possible to be wearing something like that and feel comfortable. Like, it’s not going to kill you to admit that you have to go up a dress size. It’s really not.

But, you know, besides the way too tight dress and her jacked hair, I think Christina is looking pretty damn good here. That is to say, I think her curves are kickin’. What do you guys think?

Just Because: Here’s A Picture of Christina Aguilera and Hillary Clinton

A photo of Christina Aguilera and Hillary Clinton

Christina and Hillary were both at this leadership award ceremony in Washington D.C. yesterday because they’re both doing really important things to help out all those starving people around the world. And that’s a really great thing, it really is. It’s a very important cause, and it’s a cause that needs all the help it can get. I think it’s so admirable that Christina is taking time away from singing about f-cking bodies to use her fame for something good.

But you guys know why I’m posting this picture. And that’s all I’m going to say.

Christina Aguilera Didn’t Say That Thing We Thought She Said

A photo of Christina Aguilera

Remember yesterday when Christina said this awesome thing?

“I told them during this Lotus recording, ‘You are working with a fat girl. Know it now and get over it.’ They need a reminder sometimes that I don’t belong to them. It’s my body. My body can’t put anyone in jeopardy of not making money anymore-my body is just not on the table that way anymore.”

Yeah, it turns out that she never actually said that. This news comes from Christina’s rep, who, on the topic of Christina’s “fat girl” quotes, said “she never said them.” But here’s what she did say:

“Actually, the challenge I’ve always had is being too thin, so I love that now I have a booty, and obviously I love showing my cleavage.”

Which, you know, is a little different. Sorry!