Just when you thought the shitstorm of Christina Aguilera‘s drunken life was about to die down, you were wrong: girfriend was spotted making out in the backseat of a car with her boyfriend, Matthew Rutler.
I know that making out in the back of a vehicle isn’t nearly as trashy as, say, getting it on during a party in a relative’s bathroom or something, but it’s definitely something I’M no longer interested in as a twenty-seven year-old woman myself. See, for some reason, I’ve been prone to car sickness over the past few years, and if I’m hanging out in the car without facing forward and watching what’s coming at me, let alone IN THE BACKSEAT, I’m probably going to be nauseous as hell and want to puke all over you. I mean, I won’t, because I’m not a car-puker, but sometimes? I could.
And if I happened to find myself making out with Christina Aguilera in the backseat of a car, you bet your sweet ass that I’d definitely be puking. She probably tastes like undigested bits of junk food and cheap wrinkle cream.
And not a moment too soon, I might add.
Ok, it’s not a secret how strongly I feel about Twitter. I think it’s an excellent tool to express yourself, to connect with other people, and to fall in love with misguided rappers. That being said, I also know on a more personal level that if you like to party a lot, maybe Twitter isn’t exactly the best idea (right, Lindsay?). But I’m not one to belittle dreams, so you follow your heart, Christina. You do what’s right for you.
But here’s what I propose: let’s all follow Christina religiously on the Twitter so we can be the first to know when she’s drunk, when she announces that she’s starting her much-needed stint in rehab (ha), and whenever she has sex in classy places. If we do that, then I think we’ll all grow from it.
Don’t forget, starting officially on April 1st, we’ll have weekly ‘Caption This’ contests that result in real, live prizes. Pull out your funniest and stick ‘em in the comments.
This past week’s winner on the Taylor Momsen photo:
“I fuck for Satan, and the spawn is crowning!!!”
1st Runner-Up: blasted1
“ … And all this time we thought that shitty noise was coming out of her mouth.”
2nd Runner-Up: Channa
“This crap would be so much easier to take onstage if I was wearing my ass-less leather chaps!”
3rd Runner-Up: Stacey
“Taylor’s so hardcore – I bet she shits rusty nails.”
Congrats to you funny fuckers!
Now work your magic on the Aguilera photo.
“All of my experiences in the past year, and everything that’s happened to me, I thank God for it. You have to take the good with the bad and you have to take the bad with the good. If you’re in this business, if you’re in the spotlight, you have to be able to take criticism and you have to take the punches along the way.”
- Christina Aguilera, talking about the highs and lows that come with fame, to Extra.
Um, I’m a pretty big believer in bad things equaling good things in the long run, but I’m thinking that Christina may have come to the conclusion to be grateful for her tumultuous year a bit too soon. The singer’s drinking seems to be a huge problem, her divorce isn’t even final yet, and it’s pretty hard to see the good in a nude photo scandal. It seems like embracing her low-points and stumbles could be another great excuse to not fix any of the problems they caused if she’s not careful, y’know?
No, not from her career or alcohol or even her new man. Singer Christina Aguilera has decided to sell her home, which you may remember as the former Osbourne residence.
The move could be for a whole host of reasons. Now that she’s separated from her ex-husband, she probably isn’t interested in keeping up the kind of space that was built for an entire family, not to mention that the easiest way to break bad habits is to move (that’s seriously how I managed to quit buying Doritos when I went to the grocery store.) But I’d put my money on something entirely different: The fact that Christina’s ex won’t seem to move out. I’m guessing that Christina got tired of her ex-hubby refusing to move out of their place and decided to sell it out from underneath him. Ruthless? Maybe, but who gives a fuck?
Have y’all ever had to do something extreme to move on from an ex?
Hey, guys. My apartment is having work done on it and I woke up with some maintenance man’s face in my second story window and I screamed bloody murder. The day just got worse from there. They shut the water off to do work on the apartment below mine and I had to clean out my favorite coffee mug with seltzer water and my dog wouldn’t stop barking because he was under the impression we were being attacked. To top it off, my neck is making a clicking sound when I try to nod or shake my head and I may be mildly hungover from cheap white wine. And I currently look worse than Christina Aguilera in her mugshot. Basically, I want to eat an expensive french sandwich in bed and then kill myself. That’s where I’m at right now, so please forgive the slight gap in posting and any general weirdness you may be getting from me today. I’m going through it.
You wanna know who’s not going through it, though? (SMOOOOOOTH TRANSITION, GIRL) Jacqueline Laurita from Real Housewives of New Jersey. Homegirl is a mother of three and recently shed 30 pounds using some weight loss program called Medifast. While the Life & Style piece that told me about her weight loss kind of feels like an ad for this Medifast shit, I still think it’s mad commendable of Jacqueline to get all that unhealthy weight she was carrying around off of her body. And with two young kids in her house, too. Medifast or not, that’s impressive.
Lookin’ forward to see if Jac’s new body gives her some new swagger and perhaps a set of much-needed metaphorical balls on the new season of Real Housewives of New Jersey.
I don’t know whether to point and laugh, have a vom session at the nearest loo, or pity the fuck out of her, but both the first and third options are sounding pretty good right about now (I’ve only had coffee this morning so far, and have you ever chucked just coffee? It’s actually really unpleasant).
Above you see the first post-arrest pictures of Christina Aguilera, who was recently arrested or taken in or something for being so wasted that she didn’t know her own name. And guys? She’s looking embarrassed, swollen, and like she’s only now just coming off of a forty-five day bender.
Congrats, girl. You’re just in time for lent.
How long do you think it’ll be before she hits the big time and goes to rehab?