5No Shit, Sherlock of the Day: Gwyneth Paltrow Thinks Marriage Can Be “Hard” Sometimes

Actress, purveyor of body shame and rich white woman Gwyneth Paltrow faces adversity in her day to day life on levels we couldn’t possibly fathom. She has too many pairs of black Armani slacks to wear and struggles to decide between straight cut  or skinny, her local Whole Foods was out of organic sugar-free New Zealand beeswax essence the last time she sent her personal chef for groceries and one of her kids ate a single M&M proffered from a private school classmate last week and she’s afraid Apple will develop Diabetes before her 10th birthday. It’s a difficult world out there, and that’s not even including relationships. Her marriage to Chris Martin? It can totally be hard sometimes, guys. :(

From Glamour UK (via DigitalSpy):

“It’s hard being married. You go through great times, you go through terrible times. We’re the same as any couple,” she said.

“I asked my dad once, ‘How did you and Mom stay married for 33 years?’ And he said, ‘Well, we never wanted to get divorced at the same time’. And I think that’s what happens.

“When two people throw in the towel at the same time, then you break up, but if one person’s saying, ‘Come on, we can do this’, you carry on.

“We laugh, we’re good friends, we like to do the same stuff. I’m a very grounded, homey person and Chris is a very mad scientist, genius songwriter.

May 3, 2013 at 11:30 am by Jennifer

1Gwyneth Paltrow Thanks The Press For Her Marriage to Chris Martin

Today in “blah blah, who f-cking cares?” news, Gwyneth Paltrow credits the media for hooking her up with Coldplay frontman and husband Chris Martin. Apparently the two had never even met when the papers started printing reports that they were dating, and because of that… they started dating? I don’t even know anymore.

From The Sun (via DigitalSpy):

“It’s funny because people had started writing that we were going out and we had never even met,” Paltrow recalled.

“He was in Los Angeles doing a concert and an actress that he had a crush on was supposed to come to the concert. When she didn’t show up, he was so annoyed that he said, ‘Oh, this is for my girlfriend Gwyneth Paltrow’.”

She added: “Then people were saying, ‘What’s going on?’ I was like, ‘I’ve never met this guy, I’ve no idea!’ And because of that, because people were writing about it, we ended up meeting at a concert and there you go. So, thank you!

“Because they had written so much in the press, his assistant came to my seat at the concert. They said, ‘This is so crazy, but will you come back and say hello afterwards?’ And that was it.”

Wow, that was such a good story, Gwyn. Can you tell it again? Too bad that marriage is probably heading for divorce, since the papers that are so spot on in predicting the future say that even your husband thinks you’re annoying as hell.

April 16, 2013 at 2:30 pm by Jennifer

2Gwyneth Paltrow Continues To Annoy Chris Martin

Gwyneth Paltrow apparently has no idea that her husband, Chris Martin, finds her annoying. Maybe now she’ll figure it out.

Mr. Martin wanted to buy a house for him and his Coldplay bandmates to practice and hang out in, or whatever musicians do. Think of it as a $4 million playhouse. But Ms. Paltrow was all, lol no.

From TMZ:

“Coldplay” frontman Chris Martin made an offer on a multi-million dollar home … but it’s not because there’s trouble in his macrobiotic marriage with wife Gwyneth Paltrow — he was buyin’ it for the boyz in the band.

Our real estate sources tell TMZ … Chris went into escrow on a 6,000 square-foot home in Brentwood, CA for just under $4 mil — a place his bandmates could live, with plenty of room to practice and record music.

Chris was so into the 6 bedroom mansion (above) … he not only brought two bandmates over for a look-see, he went to the second floor for a mini-concert to test the acoustics.

All was well … until Gwyneth got involved.  Seems the persnickety Oscar winner had issues with the inspection report and ordered Chris to nix the deal.

Okay, fine, maybe instead of being all lol, she was all, oh this inspection report is very troubling. And maybe Lindsay Lohan will volunteer jail time and be nominated for an Oscar for The Canyons.

I will be surprised if Chris Martin ever gets his Coldplay Clubhouse.

April 1, 2013 at 4:30 am by Catherine St. Ives

5Even Chris Martin Thinks Gwyneth Paltrow Is Annoying

You know you’re one annoying motherf-cker when even your husband is worried about how much you’re getting on people’s nerves. I mean, let’s face it – Gwyneth Paltrow, in the past month alone, has posted her “favourite things” online which total over $400k, told the world that she won’t let her kids eat anything with gluten in it despite them being KIDS who NEED NUTRITION and even admitted that she finds herself to be a threat to other women. In other words: f-ck off, Gwyneth Paltrow. In any case, her hub and Coldplay frontman Chris Martin (who I LOVE, by the way – and no, I’m not sorry) is said to be, uh, a bit concerned about how awful the woman he’s married to seems to be.

From Closer (via DigitalSpy):

A source said to Closer: “Chris tells her she’s too righteous sometimes and that she needs to think before she starts preaching. But he’s the same. It’s like they are out to save the world.”

They continued: “She’s convinced people are just envious of her lifestyle and the fact that she’s discovered how to live well.

“Gwyneth gets herself in hot water as she can’t help herself. She’s a preacher over diet, exercise, meditation and how to raise kids – she thinks people want to hear about her glam lifestyle.

“She’s totally clueless about how much she annoys people.”

Aw, bless. Obviously she’s clueless as to how unbearable she is, otherwise I assume she’d make an effort to be, you know, a lot less annoying. Unless, of course, you’re that much of a G that you don’t give a f-ck about who hates you, which would almost be better in this case. As for Chris Martin being just as annoying, I refuse to believe it! I know Coldplay gets a lot of shit, but we went to see their Mylo Xyloto stadium tour last summer and it was absolutely brilliant in every way – and that’s coming from someone who wasn’t a massive Coldplay fan before going. That’s not to say someone can’t be annoying personally and yet really brilliant artistically (I see you, the 10% of Hollywood that’s actually talented), but he’s always struck me as a pretty down-to-earth guy.

March 25, 2013 at 11:30 am by Jennifer

6Gwyneth Paltrow Nearly Died From a Miscarriage, Apparently

Gwyneth Paltrow lives on pete moss and lettuce water, but somehow she’s managed to give birth to two healthy (and gluten-deprived) kids with Chris Martin. However, the wheatgrass isn’t always green on Gwyn’s side of the fence, because it turns out she suffered a miscarriage when attempting to bring a third child into the world, and she doesn’t know whether she should try to get pregnant again.

From You:

“My children ask me to have a baby all the time. And you never know, I could squeeze one more in. I am missing my third. I’m thinking about it.

“I had a really bad experience when I was pregnant with my third. It didn’t work out and I nearly died. So I am like, ‘Are we good here or should we go back and try again?’”

Going through a miscarriage is an awful thing for anyone to go through, but I’m not being flippant when I question whether part of the reason she miscarries is that she barely eats anything and doesn’t take in nearly enough calories to sustain the pregnancy? I know she’s done it twice and all – and hopefully when she is pregnant, she throws away her 700 calorie per day Tracy Anderson bullshit – but given the illnesses she openly suffers from (osteoporosis, “gluten intolerance” and anemia come to mind, immediately), it’s not as surprising as perhaps it should be.

I like Gwyneth for comedic value. I think Lindy West got it spot on when she wrote: “Commitment to whimsy + clueless gusto + impenetrable privilege = the world’s best comedy.” Amen, sister. Here’s hoping Gwyneth ups her food intake and is soon no longer “missing [her] third”.

March 17, 2013 at 10:30 am by Jennifer

16Blind Item: Is Gwyneth Paltrow Having An Affair with Jay-Z?

From Blind Gossip:

We aren’t easily surprised, but this one definitely shocked us.

These two celebrity couples have been known to hang out together. The wives are especially close friends.

The first wife is a beautiful, award-winning Actress who has also done some singing on TV and in films. The second wife is an beautiful, award-winning Singer who has also done some acting on TV and in films. Both women’s husbands are also famous and very successful in the entertainment industry.

Well, two of these people are even closer than we thought. It turns out that the Actress has hooked up several times with the Singer’s husband in the past few years.

This surprised us for several reasons. First, because the two women are practically best friends, and their friendship would end if the Singer ever found out. Second, because all of these people travel and are photographed so much that it would take some crazy planning to have an affair without anybody noticing. And third, because the Actress had a history of dating very attractive guys when she was a single lady… and the Singer’s husband doesn’t exactly fall into that category.

So this is pretty clear, right? Gwyneth Paltrow is the actress who sings sometimes, Beyonce is the singer who acts sometimes. They’re total besties. The actress’ history of dating very attractive dudes, that’s Brad Pitt. Nobody calls Jay-Z pretty. It’s pretty simple, isn’t it?

But while I don’t have any doubts that this is what the blind item is about, I kind of don’t believe it. I just really, really can’t see Gwyneth Paltrow and Jay-Z boning. Can you? Can you even try? I started to, but then my brain kind of shut down, like it was telling me that I was about to unnecessarily hurt myself.

What do you guys think about this?

January 18, 2013 at 3:30 pm by Emily