11Chris Brown Tells Club Crowd How To Treat A Woman The Chris Brown Way

Chris Brown did something both bizarre and stupid Thursday night when he gave impromptu relationship advice via song about how to treat a woman. And how would that be?

Every guy in this building has said one thing to their female … If you’re not an insecure n—-, and you let her have fun with her friends, I applaud you. But you gotta say that one thing to her, and I made this shit up. [starts singing the rest] Don’t make me have to tell you again, that that’s my p—y baby! It is mine, baby, babe, mine. So you better not give it away! [...] So every person in this motherf-cking building, if you got a bad bitch you better say that to her. Cause she might f-ck another n—-.

This all happened at the Emerson Theater in Hollywood. Apparently Brown just grabbed the mic from the DJ and started to go off. Why? Because he’s Chris Brown, and he does whatever he wants to do whenever he feels like it without thinking about the consequences. That’s just my theory.

I just don’t even know what to say about this person anymore. Thanks (I guess?) to TMZ for posting the video. If you’d like to watch Brown in all of his disgusting awkward glory, check it out:

March 9, 2013 at 2:02 pm by Catherine St. Ives

14Chris Brown Got Into A Fight Over Ten Dollars

Chris Brown is a cheap selfish entitled jerk who got into a fight with a valet guy because he didn’t want to pay the $10 charge. Oh. My. God. Chris. Brown. Pick your battles. Hint: don’t pick ANY battles.

TMZ obtained a video of the incident outside of Pinz Bowling Alley in Studio City. “Give me my f-cking keys,” Brown yells in the valet attendant’s face. He and his entourage surround the valet stand demanding Brown’s keys, cursing. Then Brown gives up and takes off in his crazy expensive car, complaining the whole damn time.

Brown’s sources followed up with TMZ saying that it wasn’t the $10, it was that apparently everyone else was being charged $5. “Chris says it’s not about the money … it’s the principle of the thing.” Oh. My. God. Chris. Brown.

The complete lack of self awareness on your part continues to amaze me. What are you doing? Let the valet charge you $20, who cares? Who are you to complain about fairness? What does it really matter to you? And if it does piss you off, why would you display your anger and then not follow up with an apology, to, if anything, save your own ass?

You can read even more bullshit about the incident at TMZ.

March 7, 2013 at 5:30 pm by Catherine St. Ives

3Rihanna Wants a Kid Within 5 Years, Apparently

Sigh. My brain is eating itself with all the stupid shit coming out of Rihanna’s mouth lately. Between guns negating victimhood, Chris Brown having a “wonderful heart” and just… whatever this is, I just don’t know which way to turn. If you’re in the same position, allow me to give you some advice: steer clear of her new Elle interview, in which she reveals her desire to become a mother within the next 5 years.

“[In five years] I will probably have a kid. And I’m praying I can go on vacation for a good month. And I’ll have set some things up so I don’t have to tour for the rest of my life, even though I love touring.

“I want health and happiness in five years. I want to be healthy and happy.”

To each her own and all, but something tells me the opposite of “health and happiness” lay down the path of staying with Chris, being a total deadhead stoner and then bringing a kid into the mix, as well.

March 3, 2013 at 2:00 pm by Jennifer

17Rihanna’s Gun Tattoo Proves She’s Not a Victim

Today is a day for tattoo news, apparently. Rihanna is another one who has pretty awful taste in them, but she insists that hers have meaning. For instance, the gun she’s got under her right armpit doesn’t mean “danger: you don’t want to smell that”, it actually is a symbol for her strength as a woman and her insistence on not being a victim… or whatever.

“Everybody wanted to know what was happening in my life. Is she a drug addict? No. Is she an alcoholic? No. Is she a victim? No,” Rihanna said.

“That’s when I got the gun. It was a symbol of strength. I’ll never be a victim.

“That’s why I’m posting pictures of myself smoking pot, to tell the truth about myself. I’ve got so much to think about, why bring all this extra shit by being dishonest?”

She continued: “Well I Instagram everything about my life, whether it’s smoking pot, in a strip club, reading a Bible verse – how crazy, I know! – or hanging out with my best friend, who happens to be Chris [Brown].”

I think there’s a difference between being honest about your life and portraying yourself as the drug addict you swear you’re not. Like, girl, just no. Second of all, you’ll probably be wishing that gun tattoo was the real thing for self-defense when your best friend attempts to beat you to a bloody pulp again, which will happen, even if you both are stupid enough to believe he’s been redeemed.

More photos from Rihanna’s Elle shoot below.

March 2, 2013 at 2:00 pm by Jennifer

8Elton John Has Been a “Good Friend” to Chris Brown, Apparently

Chris Brown turned up at Elton John‘s AIDS Foundation gala last weekend looking like the worm from Labyrinth and started bragging to reporters about how he and Elton are BFF, which is hard to believe since he’s a scumbag who hates gay people and Elton is… decidedly gay and, I have to assume, anti-violence and domestic abuse. I’m not sure what’s going on here.

From The New York Post:

“I met Elton about a year ago, and he’s been a good friend to me,” Brown revealed, adding, “So it is great to be here tonight to support him.” Of the possibility of working with John in the future, Brown said, “Music is music. It transcends everything, so I would love it if we could work together.”

I feel like turning up to this was Chris’s way of trying to prove that he’s this peaceful, harmonic soul – a bullshit image he’s attempted (in words) to convey in recent months. It’s like when white people insist they’re not racist because one of their best friends is black – just… no. I don’t think Chris Brown gives a shit about Elton John, the AIDS Foundation or anything else, but it was a night out while Rihanna was busy “rehearsing for tour” (read: smoking copious amounts of weed and Instagramming it) and it gave him an excuse to dress like Johnny Depp‘s understudy from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

March 1, 2013 at 7:30 am by Jennifer

1Chris Brown Regrets Beating Rihanna Up, But At Least He’s Forgiven Now

Today in “Oh, f-ck off” news, Chris Brown is actually talking about beating Rihanna up  – no, he hasn’t forgot it happened – and he wants everyone to know that he really regrets it but that we can all shut the hell up about it because he’s earned his forgiveness.

From The Mirror:

Rihanna’s boyfriend Chris Brown has described his vicious assault on the singer as the “greatest regret” of his life.

Speaking for the first time about their recent reconciliation, the US R&B star shrugged off the public backlash against him and pledged never to hurt the Bajan beauty again.

In a searingly honest interview with The Mirror, he apologised for his actions in 2009, when he physically attacked Rihanna, leaving her shocked and bruised.

And Brown admitted that winning her love back had taken many months of tough “serious making up”.

He said: “Sometimes you row, you fight, with the one you love and things get said, stuff spirals.

“That night was the deepest regret of my life, the biggest mistake.

“But she loves me – what can I say? I’m forgiven… but, yes, I worked hard for it.”
Talking at Elton John’s Aids Foundation Oscars fund raising party in West Hollywood, the double platinum-selling star said he had “grown up” and learned how to deal with fame.

He also dismissed a bad taste joke by host Seth Macfarlane during the Academy Awards ceremony – in which Macfarlane compared the “unspeakably violent” movie Django Unchained to “date night for Rihanna and Chris Brown”.

Brown, 23, said: “People attack me and criticise me, it happens all the time.

“But they don’t know me, and they don’t know us. It doesn’t bother me any more.

“Other people can judge us but they don’t know anything.”

I’m pretty sure I know a few things, the first of which is that regardless of how many “things get said” and how far stuff “spirals”, I have never hit anyone and would kick anyone who ever laid a finger on me to the curb indefinitely. Second of all, people attack and criticise you because you’re an absolute asshole, Chris Brown. You’re the worst. Ever.

You know what? I’m just not even doing this anymore. I’m just wasting my breath.

February 26, 2013 at 2:30 pm by Jennifer