6Just A Few Hours Until Chris Brown Cops A Plea

Chris Brown’s arraignment has been bumped from this morning until this afternoon.  I’m really happy about this development as I won’t be around when we all learn that Brown’s attorneys have cut a deal with the prosecutor that basically equates to a misdemeanor with no jail time for beating the hell out of his girlfriend, Rihanna.  Be assured, no matter what, I will continue to get as much mileage as possible out of this picture.

Want to know how confident I’m feeling about this plea deal?  This is what I’m willing to do:  If this case ends up being sent to trial, I will write one, positive and complimentary, two hundred words or more, piece on Mischa Barton, tomorrow.

Stay tuned.  And Christ, I hope this goes the way I suspect.

April 6, 2009 at 7:59 am by Wendie

36Of Course There’s A Sex Tape. I’d Expect Nothing Less.

I was really surprised when Chris Brown and Rihanna got back together after he assaulted her.  I was not surprised by their fake break-up this week.  Now, Star Magazine is reporting that Chris and Rihanna made a sex tape that Brown is in possession of.  Of course.  This would explain why Rihanna had to stay with him post-abuse.  Not because she has no self-esteem.  It was all because she feared the tape, that I will go out on a limb and say doesn’t even exist, being released.

Let me be very clear.  I would personally host a screening of footage of me giving a blow job to Carrot Top, and invite my grandparents, if my only alternative was being beat up by a man.  In conclusion, there is no sex tape.  They aren’t broken up.  Rihanna is working hard to hold onto her endorsement deals.

I find the whole thing disgusting.  And please-before we deal with a barrage of “You can’t judge, you don’t know what Rihanna’s going through,” comments, yes-actually, I do.  I am here to tell you that abuse fucks with your mind.  It can make you question everything you ever thought you knew about yourself.  You can be one of those I Will Never Let A Man Hit Me women, and turn around one day to find that you are that woman-battered.  But guess what?  If you have the capacity to identify right from wrong, you must leave.  Find a way.  There are options even when it seems that there are none.  It’s so hard, feels so overwhelming.  It.  Still.  Must.  Be.  Done.

Thanks to Kevin!

March 20, 2009 at 9:02 am by Wendie

4The Rihanna/Chris Brown Fight Re-enactment

I suppose this was just a matter of time. The kids over at DoSomething.org have released a video re-enactment of the violence that took place between Chris Brown and Rihanna on that fateful Grammy eve, based on the detective’s notes. To be fair, it’s nowhere near as cheesy as it could have been.

To help raise awareness about teen dating abuse, DoSomething is giving away a free set of three bracelets — one blue, two black, to demonstrate that one in three teens is the victim of dating violence. You can order yours here.

And while I certainly commend anyone for doing anything to speak out against domestic violence, the most powerful action you can take here is to end a relationship the very first time your significant other shows signs of violence or emotional abuse. Don’t put up with that shit, not ever. You’re worth more than that.

March 19, 2009 at 6:57 pm by Evil Beet

15Chris Brown And Rihanna Are Taking A Break. Sure.

I’ve been waiting for this story to surface.  Chris Brown and Rihanna have decided to take a break in hopes of getting their minds clear.  I call total bullshit on this.  This isn’t a break, this is called, “Oh shit, if we ever hope to sell another album we better do something,” PR spin.

It explains why they are far apart from each other right now.  Brown is in L.A. working on his music and Rihanna has been in New York visiting friends and being photographed looking completely healthy and fine.

Now, let me tell you how this will unfold:  To the public, they will remain apart and on opposite coasts for a period of time.  When the media attention dies down, they will “reunite” and release a statement interspersed with words like “growth” and “maturity” and “respect” and “healthy.”   Rihanna and Chris will indicate their commitment, not just to each other but to their respective anger management counseling sessions.

Cynical?  Perhaps.  The good news is that nothing would thrill me more than to be wrong regarding this “break” being nothing more than an engineered scam.  Let’s hope these two stay far away from one another for life.

March 18, 2009 at 5:42 am by Wendie

15Chris Brown’s Legal Team Looking To Have Charges Dropped?

This story comes from The Sun, so normally I’d just laugh and move on.  But a couple things caught my attention about this item.  Firstly, it wasn’t a story about Amy Winehouse, Jade Goody or Kerry Katona…this is huge and unheard of for The Sun.  Secondly, I totally could see this being true.  It just makes sense.

The Sun is reporting that Chris Brown’s lawyers have requested a special hearing to be held next week, in which they will ask that all charges be dropped against Brown.  They claim that this was a two-way, long-since resolved lover’s quarrel.

I don’t know how to break this to The Sun or Mark Geragos, but I don’t think felony charges are dropped when the participants kiss and make up.  They do tend to get dropped when a celebrity is involved, however.

My daughter isn’t feeling well today, so she’s curled up next to me as I attempt to get some work done.  She asked me what I was writing about so I told her.  “Today, I’m writing about how it’s never okay to hit another person.”  She thought about that for a moment and said, “That’s right.  Only hugging, no hitting.  And we shouldn’t spit in each other’s faces or bite each other either.  If people do that, they should have their magic powers taken away from them.”  Attention Chris Brown:  I have a four-year-old I’d like you to meet.

March 17, 2009 at 7:09 am by Wendie

66Chris Brown and Rihanna Recorded a Duet This Week??

You have GOT to be kidding me.

Producer Polow Da Don said Rihanna and Chris Brown completed a duet earlier this week, but released no other details, said his publicist Laura Wright. “My heart goes out to both Chris and Rihanna for what has happened in the past,” he said. “They are both great artists to work with, and I wish them well.”

I hate that they’re going to get away with this. He’s gonna plead out easy on this court case, since Rihanna won’t testify. They’re gonna have these two release a duet about being so in love like he didn’t kick her ass a few weeks ago. And then everyone’s gonna get so wrapped up in this stupid song that they’re going to forget that he kicked her ass a few weeks ago. And then teenagers (and adults!) everywhere are going to be all like, “Well, I guess it’s occasionally okay when a man beats up his girlfriend. Depends on the circumstances, probably.” And then everything’s just going to be hunky dory until he kills her.

Awesome.

March 12, 2009 at 11:30 am by Evil Beet