Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Chris Brown

Forget Weight Watchers and Atkins! Listen to Chris Brown’s Newest Song if You’re Looking to Drop a Few!

Two days ago Rihanna released “Russian Roulette” and the public speculated on its meaning.  Does Rihanna think that staying involved with Chris Brown is like a dangerous game of chance?  And does she feel that she has no choice but to stay in that game?  Or is she just really irresponsible with firearms?  Oh. The. Questions.

Chris Brown has thrown subtlety out the window by going all vomit-inducing Peabo Bryson on our asses.  Today he released “Crawl” which is clearly a song about his desire to rebuild his relationship with Rihanna.  I’ve listed the lyrics below, but in a nutshell it goes like this:  “I know I beat the fuck out of you, but I was wondering if you’d be open to getting back together.  ‘Cuz we can crawl back to love even though I’m the one who beat the fuck out of you.  So, what do you say?”

Now, I don’t know about you, but the line “Love, can you see my hand?” sends chills up my spine.  Yeah, Chris we all see your hand and exactly what damage it’s capable of inflicting.

Everybody see’s it’s you
I’m the one that lost the view
Everybody says we’re through
I hope you hadn’t said it too

So where
Do we go from here
With all this fear in our eyes
And where
Can love take us now
We’ve been so far down
We can still touch the sky

[Chorus] If we crawl
Till we can walk again
Then we’ll run
Until we’re strong enough to jump
Then we’ll fly
Until there is no wind
So lets crawl, crawl, crawwl
Back to love, Yeah
Back to love, Yeah

[Verse 2] Why did I change the pace
Hearts were never mean’t to race
I always felt the need for space
But now I can’t reach your face
So where
Are you standing now
Are you in the crowd of my vouch
Love, can you see my hand?
I need one more chance
We can still have it all

[Chorus] If we crawl(if we crawl)
Till we can walk again
Then we’ll run (then we’ll run)
Until we’re strong enough to jump
Then we’ll fly
Until there is no wind
So lets crawl, crawl, crawwl
Back to love, Yeah
Back to love, yeaaah

[Bridge] Everybody see’s it’s you
Well I never wanna lose that view

[Chorus] So we’ll crawl (if we crawl)
Till we can walk again
Then we’ll run (we’ll run)
Until we’re strong enough to jump
Then we’ll fly
Until there is no wind
So lets crawl, crawl, crawwl

So we’ll crawl (ooh)
Till we can walk again (till we can walk again)
Then we’ll run (we’ll run)
Until we’re strong enough to jump (until we’re strong enough to jump)
Then we’ll fly (then we’ll fly)
Until there is no wind
So let’s crawl, let’s crawl, lets crawl
Back to love
Back to love yeah
Back to love

Only The Best Day Ever

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Mischa Barton

Well, my Internet has been out on and off all day.  Frustrating, aggravating, downright infuriating.  Normally, I’d be plucking the legs off of small children bugs by now, but not today folks, not today.  Let me tell you the good news:  Not only is today Chris Brown’s first day of community service, it’s also the premiere of The Beautiful Life.

On day one of his six-month assignment, Chris got to work in a police horse stable in Virginia today!  Will half a year of picking up shit make Chris Brown a better man?  Probably not.  Will half a year of picking up shit bring me pure and unadulterated joy?  Absolutely, yes.  Let’s pray for a freakish autumn heat wave, shall we?

Speaking of horseshit, tonight is the CW’s premiere of The Beautiful Life.  I will be watching intently and I know all seven of you will be, too.  I heard that Elle McPherson’s acting is shit — do you see a theme here? — but who really cares when Mischa is on the screen?  She makes everything better.  She’s the shit salve.  Sorry, folks.  I have to get it all out of my system now because how many episodes do you really think I’ll get to trash before this shit show goes the way of Secret Talents of the Stars?

Chris Brown is a Big Movie Star

It’s not coming out until February, but here’s the trailer for Takers.  On the surface it just seems like another testosterone-fueled blockbuster, but it’s really so much more:  one of the stars is Chris Brown.

America has a short memory and this flick isn’t releasing until next year.  I predict that, good plot or bad, this movie will make hundreds of millions of dollars and Chris Brown will be back on top.

Quotables

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“NOT TRYNA BE RUDE but i keep hearing tila bringing my name up. ur 15 seconds of fame has ended. dont try to gain fans by dissing me.godbless.”

-Chris Brown telling Tila Tequila to stop putting him on blast via Twitter.

The MySpace star tweaked out on Brown via Twitter as a result of her own personal domestic violence case not ending the way she wanted. Brown, who is no stranger to drama, couldn’t take her heat and decided to respond by putting her in her place.

Chris Brown Said “No” But Meant “Yes”

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It’s been awhile since I’ve been able to pull out the douche-ski photo, but today it just felt right.  As you’ll remember, I posted a brief preview clip of Chris Brown offering up a whole lot of “Wow” and a little bit of selective amnesia to Larry King.  That interview will air tomorrow.  Chris Brown has released a statement indicating that when he said he didn’t remember beating up Rihanna, what he meant was that he did remember beating up Rihanna.  Seems reasonable.

“There have been reports on the Internet that I didn’t remember what happened that night with Rihanna. I want to try and set things straight. 

“That 30 seconds of the interview they used of me was taken from a one hour interview during which that same question was asked something like four or five times – and when you look at the entire interview you will see it is not representative of what I said. 

“The first four times – or however many times it was – I gave the same answer – which was that I didn’t think it was appropriate for me to talk about what happened that night. I said it was not right for me and it really wasn’t fair to Rihanna. The fifth time – or whatever it was – I just misspoke. I was asked, ‘Do you remember doing it?’ and I said, ‘No.’ 

“Of course I remember what happened. Several times during the interview, my mother said that I came to her right afterwards and told her everything. But it was and still is a blur. And yes, I still can’t believe it happened because it is not me or who I am, nor is what happened like anything I have ever done before.”

Larry King is famous for asking the same question over and over and over again.  Unfortunately, Chris Brown can never have the luxury of vaguely answering any question, even one that’s been posed repeatedly.  The public is still out for blood.  

I’m a firm believer in redemption.  If Chris Brown was honest and forthright, of course he would be worthy of a second chance.  But he keeps sticking with the “nor is what happened like anything I have ever done before” line even though the police report clearly states that he had hit Rihanna on at least two previous occasions.  He’s still not taking responsibility, he’s still not owning up and that’s why I feel like he’s a totally sac-less, creepy little Easter Bunny.  (Thank you to our commenter who came up with that!)

Chris Brown: Like, Wow


Chris Brown continues to be a study in eloquence in a Larry King interview that is scheduled to air this Wednesday.  This is a just a 34-second preview and quite frankly, at a “like wow” rate of one per every 11 seconds rate, I’ve heard enough.

It’s a Day of Sentencing and Larry King Live, Of Course

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It’s a big day for Chris Brown.  He’ll be officially sentenced today — it’s expected that he’ll be sentenced to five years probation and 180 days of community labor in Virginia — in the case stemming from the incident last February involving Rihanna.  Later tonight he’ll appear on Larry King Live delivering a hopefully less scripted apology that will be actually directed at Rihanna.

As far as the court case is concerned, Rihanna’s lawyer has confirmed that if asked, he will request that the stay-away order be removed.  Currently, they are not allowed within 50 yards of one another (10 yards at business related events).  This would allow the toxic-duo to be together.  When asked if Chris and RiRi were still a couple, her attorney had no comment.

This won’t end well.