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Chris Brown

9We Need to Talk About What Chris Brown Wore Last Night

A photo of Chris Brown

This morning, Sarah told you guys about Chris Brown at the BET Awards, and she even showed you a gallery of the awards, but still, I can’t leave this alone. I just can’t.  There are so many unanswered questions and unresolved feelings about what this man wore to perform in last night, and I’ve always been an advocate of using teamwork to come to terms with tragedies and to evolve the soul, and so here we are.

Someone please justify what Chris Brown is doing here. Breezy fans, this is your moment:  you can’t justify a lot of things that Chris Brown has done, but there’s a slight chance that you can give some reasoning behind this little ensemble. Do your best, kids!

June 27, 2011 at 2:30 pm by Emily
Filed Under: Chris Brown

9Chris Brown and Rihanna Are Probably Sexting

A photo of Rihanna and Chris Brown

Or maybe not.  Maybe Chris Brown and Rihanna are just trying to salvage something of their relationship, or maybe they’re just trying to make things not completely horrible and awkward when they bump into each other at award shows or something. I don’t know.  All I know is that Chris Brown can’t work Twitter.

You know how you can send direct messages and you can send the little @ replies to people?  Poor Chris Brown has a little trouble with that.  Yesterday, he got the two things confused, and he sent Rihanna a message, in front of God and everybody, that said “you got that pic I sent you?”  He deleted the Tweet soon after, but the internet is lightning quick, and now we all know about it.

It’s possible the picture was totally innocent. Maybe he got another shitty tattoo he thought she’d like to see, or maybe he saw something funny at the Walmart – it’s really anyone’s guess.  But nowadays, when the public thinks of Chris Brown and pictures, only one thing comes to mind.  And that’s his dick.  Are you understanding the logic here yet?  Chris Brown is incapable of sending anyone a picture that isn’t of his junk.

At this point in time, I feel like I’ve been over Rihanna for decades, like “Rude Boy” came out when I was three and it’s been violently hammered into my soul ever since.  Still though, I wouldn’t like to see Rihanna go back to such an abusive prick, or even be subjected to a penis picture or two.  What about you guys, what’s your stance on this nowadays?

June 21, 2011 at 3:30 pm by Emily
Filed Under: Chris Brown, Rihanna

8Love It or Leave It: Chris Brown’s New Tattoo

A photo of Chris Brown

Chris Brown is never going to be able to do anything right ever again. He tried showing humility by admitting that he crapped himself on stage before, he tried winning over all the penis lovers, and now he’s trying cutesy tattoos.  It’s not going to work, Chris.  It’s just not.

I bet he wanted a regular smiley face but as soon as the tattoo was finished it morphed itself into something twisted and grotesque. Even ink understands when someone done went and fucked up for life.

Yeah, so what do you guys think about the new body art?

June 4, 2011 at 10:00 am by Emily
Filed Under: Chris Brown

9Quotables: Chris Brown Crapped His Pants on Stage

“When I was 17, I was going around touring around the world performing, and for the kickoff for one of our tours, I was eating the food that gave me food poisoning. So I got, like, midway through the show, and I just remember my stomach starting bubbling. So I just remember dancing and onstage in the midst of all that, I … is it like sharted? The crowd didn’t know it, and I had like an outfit change coming up, so I said, ‘Yeah, I can hold it out one more song,’ and this is real disgusting and too descriptive, it was just … I just remember it running down my leg.”

-Chris Brown, in his upcoming episode of the MTV show When I Was 17.

This couldn’t make any more sense considering that Chris is, figuratively, a pretty shitty person. Makes sense that it’s literal, too. And hey, I think he just got Fergie off the hook for peeing her pants on stage for like, life.

May 14, 2011 at 7:00 am by Molls
Filed Under: Chris Brown

3ABC Wants to Reunite Rihanna And Chris Brown for Ratings

A photo of Rihanna and Chris Brown

Isn’t that the sweetest thing you’ve heard all day?

ABC didn’t press charges when Chris Brown flipped his shit on Good Morning America, and you know why?  Because if they pressed charges, it might hurt Chris’ feelings, and if they hurt his feelings, then he might not make another appearance for ABC, which is the opposite of what they want. What they want is to “milk this event for everything its worth.”  Totally classy, ABC.

E! asked ABC if there were any plans for a Chris Brown reality show, and this is the conversation that followed:

“No, that would never happen here,” said a top-level ABC insider, who knows the current situation regarding Brown very well. “What’s far more likely is orchestrating Chris Brown talking to Rihanna for the first time.”

I’m assured that’s a top get to get at the network right now—especially now that all things Brown have electrified the media so much. And just who would be doing the interview, Diane Sawyer?

“No, she would never do it,” the insider said matter of factly. “It would be Robin [Roberts].”

This is just too rich. The very woman who had the kiss-ass interview with Tiger Woods, and who then made up for it by not letting Brown off the hook for beating up Rihanna, now wants to help bring them back together for some kind of touchy-feeling moment?

“It’s all about the ratings,” replied my ABC source. “At all other costs.”

Does that last bit make anyone else feel dirty?  ”At all other costs,” how gross.  Way to be an enabler, ABC.

Oh, and can I weigh in on the original Good Morning America incident real quick, specifically the part where he ripped his shirt off when he got angry?  Because let me just tell you, I know the guy who tears his shirt off when mad, I know him real well. And you do not want anything to do with that guy.  So all you people who think that he deserves a second chance after the Rihanna ordeal, trust me – dudes who deserve second chances don’t strip the minute things don’t go their way.  They just don’t.

March 26, 2011 at 12:30 pm by Emily
Filed Under: Chris Brown, Rihanna

33So Chris Brown ‘Officially’ Has a Girlfriend Now

photo of kae tran and chris brown pictures chris brown girlfriend

Ugh, as if this guy could not get ANY MORE REPULSIVE, he picks up the funnest-looking chick in the airport and slaps the ‘girlfriend’ label on her. I know it’s not polite to classify people based on who they hang out with, but we all learned in middle school that if you hang out with dogs, you’re either going to get fleas, or just, you know, fucked up during a blacked-out rage. Anyone who’d knowingly get romantically involved with him at this point in spite of his notorious temper has got to be either crazy, or just looking for a stepladder to some free publicity.

No, but honestly, this IS his girlfriend, Karrueche Tran, as reports say, and the happy couple was photographed last night at an airport in Richmond, Virginia. (Nice hair, honey. I mean ‘jacket.’ No, no, I mean ‘hair.’)

Just be careful, Chris – I hear the smaller they are, the easier they break.

March 25, 2011 at 10:30 am by Sarah
Filed Under: Chris Brown