Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Chris Brown

Quotables: Chris Brown Crapped His Pants on Stage

“When I was 17, I was going around touring around the world performing, and for the kickoff for one of our tours, I was eating the food that gave me food poisoning. So I got, like, midway through the show, and I just remember my stomach starting bubbling. So I just remember dancing and onstage in the midst of all that, I … is it like sharted? The crowd didn’t know it, and I had like an outfit change coming up, so I said, ‘Yeah, I can hold it out one more song,’ and this is real disgusting and too descriptive, it was just … I just remember it running down my leg.”

-Chris Brown, in his upcoming episode of the MTV show When I Was 17.

This couldn’t make any more sense considering that Chris is, figuratively, a pretty shitty person. Makes sense that it’s literal, too. And hey, I think he just got Fergie off the hook for peeing her pants on stage for like, life.

ABC Wants to Reunite Rihanna And Chris Brown for Ratings

A photo of Rihanna and Chris Brown

Isn’t that the sweetest thing you’ve heard all day?

ABC didn’t press charges when Chris Brown flipped his shit on Good Morning America, and you know why?  Because if they pressed charges, it might hurt Chris’ feelings, and if they hurt his feelings, then he might not make another appearance for ABC, which is the opposite of what they want. What they want is to “milk this event for everything its worth.”  Totally classy, ABC.

E! asked ABC if there were any plans for a Chris Brown reality show, and this is the conversation that followed:

“No, that would never happen here,” said a top-level ABC insider, who knows the current situation regarding Brown very well. “What’s far more likely is orchestrating Chris Brown talking to Rihanna for the first time.”

I’m assured that’s a top get to get at the network right now—especially now that all things Brown have electrified the media so much. And just who would be doing the interview, Diane Sawyer?

“No, she would never do it,” the insider said matter of factly. “It would be Robin [Roberts].”

This is just too rich. The very woman who had the kiss-ass interview with Tiger Woods, and who then made up for it by not letting Brown off the hook for beating up Rihanna, now wants to help bring them back together for some kind of touchy-feeling moment?

“It’s all about the ratings,” replied my ABC source. “At all other costs.”

Does that last bit make anyone else feel dirty?  “At all other costs,” how gross.  Way to be an enabler, ABC.

Oh, and can I weigh in on the original Good Morning America incident real quick, specifically the part where he ripped his shirt off when he got angry?  Because let me just tell you, I know the guy who tears his shirt off when mad, I know him real well. And you do not want anything to do with that guy.  So all you people who think that he deserves a second chance after the Rihanna ordeal, trust me – dudes who deserve second chances don’t strip the minute things don’t go their way.  They just don’t.

So Chris Brown ‘Officially’ Has a Girlfriend Now

photo of kae tran and chris brown pictures chris brown girlfriend

Ugh, as if this guy could not get ANY MORE REPULSIVE, he picks up the funnest-looking chick in the airport and slaps the ‘girlfriend’ label on her. I know it’s not polite to classify people based on who they hang out with, but we all learned in middle school that if you hang out with dogs, you’re either going to get fleas, or just, you know, fucked up during a blacked-out rage. Anyone who’d knowingly get romantically involved with him at this point in spite of his notorious temper has got to be either crazy, or just looking for a stepladder to some free publicity.

No, but honestly, this IS his girlfriend, Karrueche Tran, as reports say, and the happy couple was photographed last night at an airport in Richmond, Virginia. (Nice hair, honey. I mean ‘jacket.’ No, no, I mean ‘hair.’)

Just be careful, Chris – I hear the smaller they are, the easier they break.

Quotables: Chris Brown ‘Apologizes’ for Smashing Window on GMA

picture of chris brown no shirt gma photos

“First of all, I want to apologize to anybody who was startled in the office, or anybody who was offended or really looked, and [was] disappointed at my actions, because I’m disappointed in the way I acted. I had to release the anger that I had inside of me. Yes, I got very emotional and I apologize for acting like that.”

OK. This is Chris Brown’s apology. … This is Chris Brown’s apology on anti-psychotic meds. Any questions? No? What’s that, you’re cowering in the corner to avoid being hit by flying, furied fists of doom? Well hell. I don’t blame you.

Meanwhile, this is what Chris has been doing in his downtime between smashing windows and acting contrite.

photo of some dirty chick grinding up on chris brown pictures

Thanks to TMZ for a heads-up on the photo.

Chris Brown REALLY Needs to Go to Jail After THIS Crap

picture of chris brown photos with puppy

Chris Brown appeared on Good Morning America earlier this morning, and though the outward performance and interview seems like it went well, TMZ has got word that Chris, plagued by questions about that time when he, you know, BEAT THE FUCK OUT OF RIHANNA, totally freaked out, started screaming, broke his dressing room window (and showered a street below with glass), tore his shirt off and left the premises. TMZ claims that Brown was screaming so loudly that makeup and wardrobe got nervous enough to call security.

This sounds exactly like the actions of a rehabilitated man with no apparent anger issues, doesn’t it?

Look, dude. I get you’re probably sick and tired of being pegged as the asshole that probably would have killed a woman if she hadn’t gotten away, but there’s better ways of dealing with your frustrations than proving to the world that you’ve got a fucking psycho streak a mile-damned-wide.

Update: Here are some pictures of Chris leaving the GMA studios. Tell me this asshat doesn’t have a screw or forty loose.

Love It or Leave It: Whatever Chris Brown Is Doing to Himself

A photo of Chris Brown

I went with a vague title because I couldn’t decide what to focus on here.  The blonde hair, the Buzz Lightyear necklace, the gross denim jacket.  This must be Chris Brown’s method of coping with the facts that everyone’s seen his penis and everyone hates him all over again.

Just think, Chris, if you could have just kept your cool instead of assaulting your girlfriend, then everybody could love you. Remember that viral video of people dancing down the aisle to your song?  That would have been your claim to fame, the thing that held you in everyone’s mind.  But no, you just had to choke out Rihanna, and now nothing you do will ever be right.  I hope you can find solace in your Buzz Lightyear jewelry, because even that is a little more than you deserve.