Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Chris Brown

Chris Brown is having some fun in jail… not!

chris brown

You know what they say: time flies when you’re sitting in a prison cell. That’s the saying, right? Well, it’s hard to believe that Chris Brown has actually been behind bars for nearly seven weeks now – and he’ll stay there until May 9 at the very least, when the next part of his assault case is heard in a DC court.

While it was previously reported that his jail situation was pretty cushy, things seemed not all that awesome on Thursday when he hit up court looking a bit haggard and… I suppose how you’d expect a prisoner to look:

Apparently he could go to jail for up to 4 years if a judge decides it. Come on, judge! Restore my faith in the legal system!

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Well, Chris Brown is looking good!

chris brown

Celebrity mugshots are always sort of hilarious (depending on the person in them), but there’s nothing funny about Chris Brown‘s latest set. Some CBS affiliate, WUSA9, got hold of the photos from Brown’s arrest last October in DC – the reason he’s sat in a cushy Virginia jail cell at the moment awaiting trial later this month.

He looks… well, a goddamn mess, frankly. What’s going on with the hair? What’s going on with all of it? He looks like a junkie, to be honest… and like jail’s a good place for him to be. Unfortunately, even if he’s convicted, the maximum sentence is 180 days (until he’s back on the street, undoubtedly commits under crime and ends up straight back there).

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Chris Brown is enjoying his new jail cell

chris brown

The last we checked in with our good pal Chris Brown, he was traveling across the country on a US Marshal-guarded plane on his way to DC. While his lawyer failed to get the judge to drop his assault charges and he’s forced to go to trial, he’s also living it up in a cushy jail while he waits for that day to arrive.

Chris arrived in Washington, D.C. after a 5-day trek from California courtesy of Con-Air.

An administrator at Northern Neck Regional Jail in Virginia confirms Chris is currently an inmate — and he’s quick to add Chris isn’t getting special treatment.

Chris has been placed in limited general population with no restrictions — meaning he gets to enjoy all the amenities of the facility, including:

– Daily showers
– TV
– Library
– Telephone
– Exercise
– Meals in the cafeteria

He’s also not in solitary confinement for a change, so he has to mix with other inmates. No telling if that’s a good or a bad thing – I’m not sure that beating on women is necessarily applauded even in jail, but who knows.

Jail is hilarious to me. Free rent, free meals, TV, hot water, telephone privileges, being able to go outside? HOW IS THIS PUNISHMENT? Send his ass back to solitary and let him stew there for a while longer.

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Chris Brown may miss his DC court date

Chris Brown Court Appearance

Chris Brown was taken into US Marshal custody last week to begin making his way across the country to DC to stand trial for assault there, which was a sweet, sweet touch of karma. Well, turns out, he might not actually make it to his court date today since there seem to be some travel delays.

Chris Brown learned a lesson this week … what it must have been like travelling across the country by stagecoach … because four days into his journey he is still not in Washington D.C.

TMZ broke the story … Brown was taken from his L.A. County jail cell Thursday by U.S. Marshals for the cross country trip.

We’re told he made several stops along the way and typically when a prisoner lands he is taken to a nearby jail to wait for the next available flight.

Brown’s lawyer Mark Geragos will be in a D.C. courtroom Monday trying to get his client’s case dismissed on grounds of grand jury misconduct. It’s unclear if Chris will make it to the hearing.

Brown will stand trial April 17th for allegedly assaulting a man outside a D.C. hotel.

LOL to Brown’s lawyer trying to claim jury misconduct. How about interfering with the witness since Brown wanted to pay him off to drop the charges?

God, I really want this asshole to rot in jail. I know it’s too much to hope for, but I suppose only time will tell…

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LOL: Chris Brown is in the custody of US Marshals

Chris Brown Court Hearing - Los Angeles, CA

Chris Brown has been desperately trying to buy his way out of jail and claiming that he’s being picked on by, you know, being put behind bars for repeatedly violating his parole. However, things have just taken an infinitely more awesome turn, because not only did he NOT get out of jail, but he’s been handed over to the feds to be flown to DC to stand trial for assault. YESSSSSS.

From CNN:

Chris Brown’s trip to face trial in Washington will be on the Justice Department’s “Con Air” prisoner airline, not on a private jet or a first class commercial ticket as the singer hoped.

Brown, 24, was transferred into the custody of federal marshals after an extradition hearing in federal court in Los Angeles on Wednesday, according to U.S. Marshals Service spokewoman Laura Vega.

Brown will be booked on a series of government planes that hopscotch across the country taking inmates from prison to prison, Vega said. The trip, with several layovers in jails along the way, could take up to two weeks, she said.

Unlike Brown’s usual mode of touring the country in luxury, he will be wearing handcuffs and possibly chains on his legs.

This is awesome. Even if he ends up getting off for this – and he probably will, but God I hope not – at least he had to deal with this shit. Is it over-the-top? Maybe. BUT I LOVE IT SO MUCH. This idiot needs to realize he’s not above the law. Maybe then he’ll stop being a dickhead, but I think that’s probably a little too ingrained now for him to change that.

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Boo hoo, Chris Brown says prosecutors are picking on him

chris brown jailChris Brown is still in jail and desperately trying to buy his way out, but prosecutors are fighting hard to keep him right where he is and trying to assure that he doesn’t jilt the system yet again to get off without punishment. Of course, when Chris attempts to manipulate the law for his own gain, it’s 100% legit and totally fine, but when prosecutors give him a taste of his own medicine, he starts crying about being picked on.

From TMZ:

Chris Brown says prosecutors in his Washington D.C. assault case screwed him over by unlawfully getting a sneak peek of witnesses … so he wants the charges thrown out.

Brown’s lawyer, Mark Geragos, says prosecutors had no right to take Brown’s case before the grand jury.  He says in his legal docs the U.S. Attorney had already decided to reduce the charge from a felony to a misdemeanor assault.

Geragos alleges the ONLY reason a grand jury was convened was to get a preview of how the witnesses in their case would fare under oath.  In other words, Geragos says prosecutors used the grand jury for a dry run, and that’s absolutely an egregious abuse of power.

A judge has yet to rule.

Now I’m not a lawyer, but don’t prosecutors get to know who the witnesses are going to be so they can prepare their cross-examination questions? Like, isn’t that just… normal procedure? What could be a “gross abuse of power” seems to me like prosecutors know that Chris likes to try and pull slick shit and will even pay people off to make sure he doesn’t pay for his crimes, so they’re trying to avoid that at all costs.

Sorry, but I’m on the prosecution’s side, here. Let this idiot rot.

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Chris Brown on jail: ‘I feel like a caged animal’

chris brown

Chris Brown has been ordered to stay in jail for a month but he’s been trying to buy his way out of there since apparently the law doesn’t apply to him. Apparently, he’s having a pretty tough time in the slammer and is feeling a bit like a caged animal. Yay!

From TMZ:

You’d think the photos of Rihanna‘s battered face would have left an impression … on him.  But apparently it took a few days in solitary to shake Chris to the core.

One source — who recently spoke with Brown on the phone — tells us, Chris says he feels like “a caged animal,” calling it “the worst experience of my life.”

We’re told Chris has been spending his time behind bars working out and writing music.  He’s telling people on the phone, “I’ll never f*** up again.”

HAHAHA. Yeah, okay. Look, you’re in JAIL, dude. Prison. That means it’s not SUPPOSED to be some cushy funhouse that’s just like being at home. You are being punished for repeated shitty behaviour, so it’s not particularly meant to be some pie in the sky experience. Jesus.

I say we keep him there for another few months, even years. Hell, throw away the key! The world will thank you.

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