Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Chris Brown

Quotables: Chris Brown Is So Funny!

A photo of Chris Brown

“I’ve accomplished all I need to accomplish in my life as far as me being able to say I can successfully sing, I can dance onstage with the greatest. At the end of the day, when I need to be great is when people can say I’ve helped out the world. It first starts here, helping myself, but what I want to do is bring peace to the world. Not to sound all Teen USA!”

- Chris Brown tells a hilarious joke during an appearance.

By the way, this appearance wasn’t just any regular appearance. It was the launch of the Symphonic Love Foundation, which is his foundation. According to Chris, it’s all about “music programs and helping kids with disabilities,” which is neat. The name comes from a tattoo he has on his chest, because “the tattoo ‘symphonic love’ encompasses the positivity of what I’m trying to do – uplifting humanity.” Of course.

Look, this is a good thing. I’m not saying that it’s not. I’m glad Chris made a foundation to get more music programs in school, because I think those kind of foundations are important. I just think it comes of as insincere and assholeish when you do something good just so that everyone knows how awesome you are. Either way, the program is going forward (probably), and that’s what matters, I just think there’s a better way to do this. One suggestion? Say more stuff like “music is important” and less stuff like “what I want to do is bring peace to the world.”

But yeah, as long as Chris Brown is going on about his Jesus complex, I’ll keep laughing. You guys too, right?

Chris Brown Wants to “Hopefully Have People Follow in My Footsteps”

A photo of Chris Brown

It must be tough to have a significant group of people define you based on one thing you did, right? Like, it would suck so hard if my life was forever changed because of that one time when I was 18 and drank grape juice and everclear with my friends and then excused myself early to go write my English paper (a few classes after I turned in the essay, my professor was like “you’re better than this. You’re a good writer. I know you know how to form complete sentences”). Sometimes you do stupid things when you’re young, but that doesn’t make you who you are.

Except sometimes, it does. Sometimes you viciously beat someone and then never apologize and then keep being an asshole about it and about everything else. And that’s a different thing.

Ok, Chris Brown did this interview with Prestige magazine, and it’s being called his first major press interview in four years. I didn’t think about that, but I guess that’s right? I don’t remember really reading one before, so it’s probably right. But yeah, it seems like there’s a good reason why people in Chris’ life keep suggesting that he stop talking. It’s because when he talks, he … I don’t know. It’s just bad.

What he wants from the world: “As a 23-year-old young entertainer, I want the world to see my art and hopefully be inspired by it, promote positivity with what I do now – with painting, with fashion, with directing, with creativity as far as videos and cinema. I want to have people admire that and hopefully have people follow in my footsteps.”

His goals: “Not to be arrogant when I say it, but I want to be the Steven Spielberg of music videos, to be innovative and young, not to put a bar on it just because of budgetary issues or certain capabilities.”

On painting: “I’ve been painting secretly since I was a kid. A lot of people didn’t know that it was my hobby. I focused on doing the bad stuff at first with graffiti and vandalising as a kid. But as you get older, you start studying art books and sketchbooks in the libraries. I started getting better, like maybe three or four years ago. I met Ron English and Kid Zoom [Ian Strange] and they were just teaching me different techniques for painting. So my art started growing and I started doing it on my own. I finally got people to recognise it and I did a couple of art galleries – one in LA and one in New York – and I sold four out of my seven paintings. You know, I’m new. But my feet are in the water and that’s all it takes. I don’t think I want to conquer painting. It’s just something I love to do.”

On his charity work: “I’ve been involved with [those] since I was 15, 16. It’s not about recognition, because that’s not what satisfies me. The satisfaction is people that are getting helped or are benefitting from whatever I donate, whatever I contribute to their lives. I don’t like it to be publicised. If there are cameras around, it’s cool. But I do it from the heart. When I go on TV and do my videos, that’s the artist Chris Brown. But when I go and do [charity work] it’s just me – it’s just Christopher.”

On being the CEO: “I think a lot of people, a lot of artists, they get the glamour and glitz and everything else is already set for them. You see it and you say, “Oh man, it’s perfect.” But everything is already written. For me, it’s all just straight from thin air. I hear a song [claps his hands] – that’s my concept. When you hear my records, it’s really me writing. It’s really my emotions. It’s really me behind the cameras, directing those videos. It’s me making the decision on what singles we put out. Being the CEO. A real businessman at 23. That’s what I want to show my audience. The generation that we’re in – we’re a lazy generation. The kids in my generation are not as hyper. The work ethic isn’t there. The attention span is short. But I think if they can see me do it at 23 and have all this stuff going on – and still have fun while I’m doing it – who’s to say they can’t?”

Ooooh, Chris Brown. You’re a CEO, huh? A “real businessman.” And a painter. And an actor. A true artist.

But hey, before you start thinking Chris Brown is as awesome as he thinks he is, check out this picture from the magazine’s shoot:

A photo of Chris Brown

And this one:

A photo of Chris Brown

So you just keep right on being a shining light in this dark world, Chris Brown.

Quotables: But Seriously, Chris Brown is Trying to Be a Better Person

photo of chris brown terrorist pictures tweet pic

“Having to get personal opinion back and having to gain personal success back … it’s not all the way back, you know? But it’s one of my most humbling experiences,” Brown says. “I can’t hate people for making judgment on me or making a decision of liking me or not liking me. All I can do is try to be better as a person, and I’m good with knowing everything isn’t always going to be perfect.”

I realize that we already had a Chris Brown Quotables earlier today, and I generally don’t like to run two posts about Chris Brown in the same day (or really, in the same week if I can avoid it), but guys. GUYS. This was just too much—I couldn’t sit on it for an entire eight hours while everyone in my house slept, I had to let it out and laugh and chortle and smirk and roll my eyes and every other sarcastic bit I could think of, because wow. What a load of shit this is, yeah? Chris Brown? Trying to be a better person? THIS is Chris Brown, trying to be a better person?

And what, next you’re going to tell me that this photo right here is Lindsay Lohan interviewing to be the spokesperson for Big Brothers and Big Sisters of America?:

photo of lindsay lohan pictures
Because I’d believe that a whole hell of a lot easier than Chris Brown telling me that he’s trying to BE A BETTER PERSON, friends. Cripes.

Quotables: Chris Brown Gets Told

A photo of Chris Brown

“I don’t dance, you don’t talk.”

- Chris Brown‘s lawyer tells Chris Brown what’s up.

This lovely little zing happened yesterday during Chris’ progress hearing. His lawyer was getting permission for Chris to go on tour (which he’s not supposed to do because, you know, probation), and when the judge started asking questions about his tour schedule, Chris tried to open his mouth. And then, boom, shut down.

I just love this because this is second time a person of power in Chris’ life has told him to just not talk. Remember earlier this year when his manager gave a quote to Billboard about it? She said that their plan for promoting his new album was “not have him do interviews.” That was the first thing she said. Because “He signed up to sing and entertain. Not to talk about his personal life.” Because we all know that when Chris Brown opens his mouth, nothing but lies and depravity and little chunks of stupid come out.

Now I just wish his girlfriends could tell him off, too.

Karrueche Is Ready to Fight for Chris Brown

A photo of Karrueche Tran

Yeah, you get what’s yours, girl. Bring your man back home. Don’t even worry about all those photos and reports of him and Rihanna loving it up again, that’s totally whatever. What matters is that you’re focused, you’ve got a good head on your shoulders, and you’re prepared to really go for gold.

From TMZ:

Chris Brown’s recently-dumped ex Karrueche Tran still believes she has a future with the singer — in fact, Karrueche is telling friends, she’s not gonna stop trying to get with CB just because Rihanna’s back in the picture.

Sources close to Karrueche tell TMZ, she was hurt when Brown gave her the axe a few weeks ago … but she never stopped loving him — and now, she is on a mission to get him back.

We’re told Karrueche got used to a certain level of celebrity while dating the singer, and she’s not ready to “go back to being basic” — even if that means messing around with Brown, while he’s messing with RiRi.

Eventually, we’re told Karrueche hopes to edge Rihanna back out of the picture.

Case in point — Karrueche and CB were spotted hanging out together Monday in Burbank, CA … two days after Rihanna and CB were spotted together in L.A.

I don’t know if I’m a particularly independent woman or if I just don’t have these particular psychological issues (probably that one), but no. Even if there wasn’t the whole thing about location or fame or me being wary of dating a dude who is famous for beating up his girlfriend, if a guy broke up with me for another lady, boom, done. Never again. Like, you made your bed, bro, now lie in it and hopefully get some kind of curable but definitely troublesome STD.

All these girls just need to get of Chris Brown’s dick. There, I said it. Rihanna, Karrueche, whatever random girls he’s slept with while dating either of them, and all the fan girls who claim to be cool with him punching their faces. Get. Off. His. Dick. God.

Surprise, Chris Brown Is Still A Bad Person!

A photo of Chris Brown

He also got this big ol’ lion tattooed right on his throat last week, right next to his creepy lady tattoo. He tweeted that picture, along with the caption “symbol of Christ and Freedom!” Theory: in his mind, Chris is Jesus and Rihanna is a beaten face. Valid?

Oh, but that thing about Chris being a bad person still. Yeah, that’s true. We can tell because a few days ago he called one of his fans a f-ggot.

From Radar:

On Friday night Los Angeles resident Lucas Peter was at the Arclight movie theater in Hollywood when he spotted Chris and his entourage and approached him to ask for an autograph — but Lucas was taken off guard by Chris’ reaction.

“The movie let out and I saw Chris come out the front door, sort of semi-running. I approached Chris and asked him to sign my CD cover,” Lucas told in an exclusive interview.

“His bodyguard stopped me and said Chris wouldn’t be signing, so I told him Rihanna signs all the time. That’s when Chris stopped in the garage by the parking pay stand and yelled ‘f-ggot’ at me.”

Lucas, who is an openly gay man, admits getting angry at Chris’ ignorance and attacking him back by calling him a “wife beater.”

“I walked over to where Chris was getting in the elevator and called him a wife beater and asked him if he was going to beat Rihanna again,” Lucas said. “Chris said, ‘I beat p-ssy’ and then his bodyguard tried to scare me by saying, ‘And I beat men.’”

According to Lucas, Chris took off with his bodyguard — and one less fan.

You know, I can understand how celebrities could get a little irritated with all the attention and paparazzi and all, but if one single dude wants an autograph, would it really kill you to just give it to him? You just have to say “hey” and scribble on some paper, that’s it, and in doing that, you’ll have made someone’s whole night. Would that really be so taxing?

As for the rest, the name-calling and the “I beat p-ssy” comment, that’s just classic Chris Brown. It’s not disappointing on that level, because it’s just so expected, but it’s disappointing on a bigger level, like on a “oh, great, this is the way the world is sometimes” level.

Chris doesn’t even deserve to have that majestic lion on his throat.