Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Chris Brown

Presented without Comment: Chris Brown’s New Music Video, “Don’t Judge Me”

Ok, maybe just one comment: WHAT.

No, really, what even is this? First of all, I just love the fact that Chris Brown has a song called “Don’t Judge Me.” He’s done, like, one redeemable thing in his entire career, and even that is just his pretty ok dancing skills. He’s been a giant dick over and over. It’s not even that he’s been a douchebag, no, he’s been an outright asshole. He’s been a bad person. So yeah, I’m going to judge you, Chris Brown. I’m going to judge you for days.

Also, this is a dumb video. He gets in a fight with his girlfriend because she can’t “just let the past just be the past,” so he gets in a spaceship and kills himself? That’s a bit much, isn’t it? And what is he even doing up there? Is he destroying a giant meteor, or some evil alien spacecraft? But he’s not even doing anything, he’s just chillin’ in a chair. Is this supposed to be the whiny, useless jackass version of Armageddon? Because you are no Bruce Willis, Chris Brown. You are no Bruce Willis.

Ok, I guess that was technically eighteen comments, but now it’s your turn!

New Couple Alert: Chris Brown and … Nicole Scherzinger?

photo of nicole scherzinger pictures and chris brown dating kissing pic
So, in reality, the two were together to host the Black Pyramid Party at Supperclub in Los Angeles, but if you look through the photos in the gallery, the two look … well, they look pretty darn cozy, if you ask me. Which doesn’t make any sense, because Nicole Scherzinger seems like a reasonable girl (I guess?), and it’s beyond me that any reasonable-like girl would consider kissing, snuggling, or otherwise being within six feet of Chris Brown voluntarily.

Chris, as you guys all know, is “dating” Karreuche Tran, and Nicole, well, she’s got her own boyfriend, too—racecar driver Lewis Hamilton, both of which were nowhere to be seen at the festivities. As for Rihanna? Well, she was nowhere to be found, either. I’d imagine she was off somewhere, drowning her sorrows in a bottle of whiskey or the like, and lamenting the continual loss of Chris Brown. For whatever psychotic, obsessed reason she happens to have this week, at any rate.

Anyway, Nicole has—naturally—made a statement about how she did not make out with Chris Brown. Nicole’s rep says:

“There is absolutely no truth to the ridiculous story … The photos that have surfaced are old friends who were trying to talk at a very loud club. I guarantee there will be no photos of them kissing.”

Ugh, sure. OK.

Chris Brown Fails A Drug Test, Judge Says It’s Cool

A photo of Chris Brown

So Chris Brown is on probation. We’re all familiar with how that works, right? You break a law, sometimes you go to jail, and sometimes you don’t go to jail. Sometimes you do something in between called probation, which is where you have to be extra super special good or you will go to jail. Or at least, that’s how it’s supposed to work.

Chris Brown smoked weed, took a drug test, failed it, and is still on probation, all because he’s a pretty ok dancer:

Chris Brown tested positive for marijuana recently in Virginia, where smoking weed is illegal, but the judge said she would NOT revoke his probation.

Chris was just in court for a probation progress report hearing in his felony battery of Rihanna — and according to probation report docs … Brown failed a drug test on June 18 in Virginia, where he was fulfilling his court ordered community service.

According to probation report, Chris told his probation officer he had smoked weed in California — where he has a medical marijuana prescription — and then failed the test in Virginia, where weed is illegal … prescription or no prescription.

Judge Patricia Schnegg said she never ordered Brown to undergo mandatory drug testing as part of his probation, so she cut him a break … this time … letting him off with a stern reminder to obey all laws.

Schnegg also ordered Brown’s entire case moved back to California because that’s where he lives now.

Judge Schnegg also ordered Brown to meet with his probation officer within 72 hours to sort out a discrepancy in community service hours — prosecutors say he had 121 hours left to complete as of August 15th, but Chris’ attorney, Mark Geragos insists he has less than that on his tab.

Ok, I’m not going to sit here and say that I thinking marijuana is the worst thing in the world and anyone who smokes it should be hauled off to jail immediately, but still, it’s a law, you know? It’s a law that Chris Brown broke and offered an excuse for – which, by the way, doesn’t it sound like they never even checked out that prescription? – and got away with. No matter what crime he originally committed, he’s another celebrity that’s getting off way too easy because of his fame, and that’s pretty shitty, huh?

Here’s hoping that community service thing catches up with him!

Oh, So Chris Brown Might Have Cheated on His Community Service

A photo of Chris Brown

Yeah, that community service, the community service he was ordered by a judge to do after he beat Rihanna. He was ordered to do six months’ worth of it, and he completed it. OR DID HE?

Chris Brown will have to wait a bit longer before checking in with an L.A. judge regarding how much community service he’s performed since he was convicted of felony assault on then-girlfriend Rihanna in 2009.

A court appearance scheduled for Monday has been pushed back a week to allow authorities more time to prepare the singer’s probation report.

At issue: The number of hours of community labor — roadside cleanup, graffiti removal and the like — that Brown’s done since a judge gave him the OK to do part of his duty in his home state of Virginia.

A deputy DA in L.A. ordered an audit of his hours after alleging in July that recent records were unclear on details such as where, when and what work was done.

After Brown’s previous L.A. court appearance, in February 2011, the judge changed a restraining order regarding Rihanna from “stay away” to “do not annoy.” This past February, attorney Mark Geragos’ good-behavior-based request that his client’s probation be changed from supervised to unsupervised was denied.

While Breezy has completed anger-management classes and a 52-week domestic-violence education program as part of his sentence, he’s still got the balance of an original 180 hours’ community service, plus five years’ probation that started in August 2009.

I’m fairly sure that everyone that’s not on “Team Breezy” or whatever can agree that there’s at least a possibility that Chris fudged some hours here and there. Like, “oh, yeah, I was in Virginia and I cleaned all the roads for two days straight, write it down!” But then again, I really wouldn’t put anything pass Chris Brown.

You Guys Really Hurt Chris Brown’s Tattoo Artist’s Feelings

A photo of Chris Brown

Yeah, I know, this tattoo again. Is it Rihanna‘s beaten face, is it a sugar skull, is it some weird hybrid? Is it everything or is it nothing? Is it both? Is it neither?

Whatever it is, you guys need to stop talking about it, because you’re really starting to make Chris Brown‘s tattoo artist angry.

From E! Online:

“I hate when people misinterpret what I do,” veteran tattoo artist Peter Koskela, the man behind Brown’s latest piece of body art, exclusively tells E! News. “It was really a blow to me to think that people would think so little of a person that I would actually put a picture of a beaten woman on his neck. That was crazy to me, that he would come to me and say, ‘Hey, I want Rihanna’s face on me.’”

Well, it sounds especially absurd when he puts it that way.

“I would never promote any kind of domestic violence like that,” Koskela continued. “Even if he asked me to do it, I would have bounced right there. I don’t do racist tattoos, I don’t do gang-related tattoos and I don’t do anything hurtful. That is just the motto I live by. The other tattoo artists might, but I just don’t.”

Uh, not to be mean or anything, but maybe do a better job? If hundreds of people think the tattoo is of a woman’s beaten face, then maybe that’s because it kind of looks like a woman’s beaten face. But it’s not on you, tattoo guy, it’s really not. It’s on Chris Brown, who, any way you look at it, decided to tattoo the image of an abused or dead woman right on his neck. Nobody looked at the tattoo and thought “man, that Peter Koskela, what a giant dick.” Rest easy, friend. Your name is not tarnished.

But I’ll let it be known right now, if you also did Chris Brown’s other most recent tattoo, this business:

A photo of Chris Brown

If you did that, then I’ll scream it from the rooftops, Peter Koskela is a giant dick. What an awful tattoo.

Chris Brown: “I’m An Artist And This Is Art”

A photo of Chris Brown

The “art” that we’re talking about, of course, is Chris Brown‘s new tattoo that may or may not be an image of Rihanna after he assaulted her. He tweeted that quote yesterday, the “I’m an artist and this is art” claptrap, along with “Dia de los Muertos,” so yeah, all of you guys who said it was a sugar skull were (perhaps) right.

Chris’ rep (bless her heart) also made a little statement to clear up any confusion:

“His tattoo is a sugar skull (associated with the Mexican celebration of the Day of the Dead) and a MAC cosmetics design he saw. It is not Rihanna or an abused woman as erroneously reported.”

Another interesting thing is that Chris tweeted a link to a story on Perez Hilton that had this charming quote from a source close to Chris:

“Naw man, that’s [isn't] Rihanna tatted on [Chris] no matter how much [you all are] trying to make it seem. Sorry, it [isn't] her. [Chris] loves women and you know he loves Ri, but come on now, he [isn't] about to tat a bitch on him. That [isn't] how he rolls.”

Obviously, Chris and his people can say whatever they want about his silly tattoo, but I don’t know if I buy it. Here’s a closeup, so we can analyze it:

A photo of Chris Brown

If it’s what they’re saying it is, then is it fair to say that it’s kind of poorly done? But then again, if it’s supposed to be Rihanna, then it’s poorly done as well. I just don’t see the resemblance.

Who’s That on Your Neck, Chris Brown?

A photo of Chris Brown

As you can see, Chris Brown has a new tattoo. You see it, right? It’s that big ol’ face on the side of his neck. To me, it looks like a sleepy drag queen with shit smeared all over her face, but to other people, it looks like Rihanna. Huh.

According to sources “really close to Chris,” the lady depicted on Chris’ neck is just “a random woman,” but according to me, I don’t really care. I just wanted to show you guys this hilarious tattoo so we could all roll our eyes at Chris Brown this morning and feel thankful that we don’t have to look at that big neck-face in person. That’s all.

But what do you guys think? Does that tattoo resemble Rihanna at all, or are you on Team Sleepy Drag Queen?