Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Chris Brown

BREAKING: Chris Brown Is Still A Douchebag

A photo of Chris Brown

I really wanted to put “asshole” up there instead of “douchebag,” because I feel like the two words have different meanings – an asshole is unquestionably not cool, where as an otherwise cool person can have douchey moments, you know? – but I didn’t think our advertisers would appreciate that right up there in the headline, so I went more mild. But just to clarify, I meant “asshole.” Chris Brown is still an asshole.

Here’s why:

There’s a video where he tries to act like a good person, explains that the longest period he’s ever gone without sex since he got famous was three whole weeks, and lets listeners in on how to get those pesky girls who want to cuddle and talk and shit out of your house after you’re done f-cking them. Oh, and stay tuned to the very end where he discusses his awful Halloween costume. You’ll be totally surprised by what he says about it.

No, you won’t. Because you know that Chris Brown is an asshole. That’s what this whole story is about. God.

Quotables: Give Chris Brown And Rihanna A Chance

A photo of Rihanna and Chris Brown

“Me and her have history, and me and her are definitely always going to be best of friends. We’re working on our friendship now. As far as our personal life, I think people just got to give it a chance — or not even give it a chance, but shut the hell up. It’s me. At the end of the day, whatever opinion they have ain’t going to change nothing I’m doing.”

- Chris Brown talks about his “friendship” with Rihanna.

Really, it’s just annoying that they keep saying this kind of stuff. They’ve been “working on their friendship” forever now, and frankly, I’m just sick of that phrasing. Working on a friendship does not mean oral sex. Please just stop.

Oh, and the latest real life event between these two? They have a song together on Rihanna’s new album. It’s called “Nobody’s Business,” which I think really just says it all. But just in case it doesn’t, here’s a little preview of the song:

And here’s what Rihanna had to say about the song:

“‘Nobody’s Business’ is basically the way I look at everything regarding my personal life. Even though you have to witness it as being documented at every second, it still is mine…When it [comes] to my music, I’ll give and I’ll give and I’ll give. I just feel like I need to keep a little bit for me that I get to decide.”

But Rihanna, is it about your relationship with Chris Brown?

“If I had it my way, it would be really nobody’s business.”

Got it, girl. It ain’t nobody’s bidness, just yours and your babeh. Carry on.

Quotables: Chris Brown Is So Funny!

A photo of Chris Brown

“I’ve accomplished all I need to accomplish in my life as far as me being able to say I can successfully sing, I can dance onstage with the greatest. At the end of the day, when I need to be great is when people can say I’ve helped out the world. It first starts here, helping myself, but what I want to do is bring peace to the world. Not to sound all Teen USA!”

- Chris Brown tells a hilarious joke during an appearance.

By the way, this appearance wasn’t just any regular appearance. It was the launch of the Symphonic Love Foundation, which is his foundation. According to Chris, it’s all about “music programs and helping kids with disabilities,” which is neat. The name comes from a tattoo he has on his chest, because “the tattoo ‘symphonic love’ encompasses the positivity of what I’m trying to do – uplifting humanity.” Of course.

Look, this is a good thing. I’m not saying that it’s not. I’m glad Chris made a foundation to get more music programs in school, because I think those kind of foundations are important. I just think it comes of as insincere and assholeish when you do something good just so that everyone knows how awesome you are. Either way, the program is going forward (probably), and that’s what matters, I just think there’s a better way to do this. One suggestion? Say more stuff like “music is important” and less stuff like “what I want to do is bring peace to the world.”

But yeah, as long as Chris Brown is going on about his Jesus complex, I’ll keep laughing. You guys too, right?

Chris Brown Wants to “Hopefully Have People Follow in My Footsteps”

A photo of Chris Brown

It must be tough to have a significant group of people define you based on one thing you did, right? Like, it would suck so hard if my life was forever changed because of that one time when I was 18 and drank grape juice and everclear with my friends and then excused myself early to go write my English paper (a few classes after I turned in the essay, my professor was like “you’re better than this. You’re a good writer. I know you know how to form complete sentences”). Sometimes you do stupid things when you’re young, but that doesn’t make you who you are.

Except sometimes, it does. Sometimes you viciously beat someone and then never apologize and then keep being an asshole about it and about everything else. And that’s a different thing.

Ok, Chris Brown did this interview with Prestige magazine, and it’s being called his first major press interview in four years. I didn’t think about that, but I guess that’s right? I don’t remember really reading one before, so it’s probably right. But yeah, it seems like there’s a good reason why people in Chris’ life keep suggesting that he stop talking. It’s because when he talks, he … I don’t know. It’s just bad.

What he wants from the world: “As a 23-year-old young entertainer, I want the world to see my art and hopefully be inspired by it, promote positivity with what I do now – with painting, with fashion, with directing, with creativity as far as videos and cinema. I want to have people admire that and hopefully have people follow in my footsteps.”

His goals: “Not to be arrogant when I say it, but I want to be the Steven Spielberg of music videos, to be innovative and young, not to put a bar on it just because of budgetary issues or certain capabilities.”

On painting: “I’ve been painting secretly since I was a kid. A lot of people didn’t know that it was my hobby. I focused on doing the bad stuff at first with graffiti and vandalising as a kid. But as you get older, you start studying art books and sketchbooks in the libraries. I started getting better, like maybe three or four years ago. I met Ron English and Kid Zoom [Ian Strange] and they were just teaching me different techniques for painting. So my art started growing and I started doing it on my own. I finally got people to recognise it and I did a couple of art galleries – one in LA and one in New York – and I sold four out of my seven paintings. You know, I’m new. But my feet are in the water and that’s all it takes. I don’t think I want to conquer painting. It’s just something I love to do.”

On his charity work: “I’ve been involved with [those] since I was 15, 16. It’s not about recognition, because that’s not what satisfies me. The satisfaction is people that are getting helped or are benefitting from whatever I donate, whatever I contribute to their lives. I don’t like it to be publicised. If there are cameras around, it’s cool. But I do it from the heart. When I go on TV and do my videos, that’s the artist Chris Brown. But when I go and do [charity work] it’s just me – it’s just Christopher.”

On being the CEO: “I think a lot of people, a lot of artists, they get the glamour and glitz and everything else is already set for them. You see it and you say, “Oh man, it’s perfect.” But everything is already written. For me, it’s all just straight from thin air. I hear a song [claps his hands] – that’s my concept. When you hear my records, it’s really me writing. It’s really my emotions. It’s really me behind the cameras, directing those videos. It’s me making the decision on what singles we put out. Being the CEO. A real businessman at 23. That’s what I want to show my audience. The generation that we’re in – we’re a lazy generation. The kids in my generation are not as hyper. The work ethic isn’t there. The attention span is short. But I think if they can see me do it at 23 and have all this stuff going on – and still have fun while I’m doing it – who’s to say they can’t?”

Ooooh, Chris Brown. You’re a CEO, huh? A “real businessman.” And a painter. And an actor. A true artist.

But hey, before you start thinking Chris Brown is as awesome as he thinks he is, check out this picture from the magazine’s shoot:

A photo of Chris Brown

And this one:

A photo of Chris Brown

So you just keep right on being a shining light in this dark world, Chris Brown.

Quotables: But Seriously, Chris Brown is Trying to Be a Better Person

photo of chris brown terrorist pictures tweet pic

“Having to get personal opinion back and having to gain personal success back … it’s not all the way back, you know? But it’s one of my most humbling experiences,” Brown says. “I can’t hate people for making judgment on me or making a decision of liking me or not liking me. All I can do is try to be better as a person, and I’m good with knowing everything isn’t always going to be perfect.”

I realize that we already had a Chris Brown Quotables earlier today, and I generally don’t like to run two posts about Chris Brown in the same day (or really, in the same week if I can avoid it), but guys. GUYS. This was just too much—I couldn’t sit on it for an entire eight hours while everyone in my house slept, I had to let it out and laugh and chortle and smirk and roll my eyes and every other sarcastic bit I could think of, because wow. What a load of shit this is, yeah? Chris Brown? Trying to be a better person? THIS is Chris Brown, trying to be a better person?

And what, next you’re going to tell me that this photo right here is Lindsay Lohan interviewing to be the spokesperson for Big Brothers and Big Sisters of America?:

photo of lindsay lohan pictures
Because I’d believe that a whole hell of a lot easier than Chris Brown telling me that he’s trying to BE A BETTER PERSON, friends. Cripes.

Quotables: Chris Brown Gets Told

A photo of Chris Brown

“I don’t dance, you don’t talk.”

- Chris Brown‘s lawyer tells Chris Brown what’s up.

This lovely little zing happened yesterday during Chris’ progress hearing. His lawyer was getting permission for Chris to go on tour (which he’s not supposed to do because, you know, probation), and when the judge started asking questions about his tour schedule, Chris tried to open his mouth. And then, boom, shut down.

I just love this because this is second time a person of power in Chris’ life has told him to just not talk. Remember earlier this year when his manager gave a quote to Billboard about it? She said that their plan for promoting his new album was “not have him do interviews.” That was the first thing she said. Because “He signed up to sing and entertain. Not to talk about his personal life.” Because we all know that when Chris Brown opens his mouth, nothing but lies and depravity and little chunks of stupid come out.

Now I just wish his girlfriends could tell him off, too.