Has anything ever made more sense in the world than Justin Bieber and Chris Brown hanging out together? I mean, really? Lest we forget, Chris is the one who coined Justin’s nickname (in my eyes), “Baby Elvis“.  Justin posted the picture on his Instagram with the caption, “CB what up?” Well, I’ll tell you what’s up – my hackles, because I can’t stand either of you. Why won’t you go away?

Anyway, on a happier note, Justin Bieber’s poor abandoned monkey has become property of Germany since he failed to turn in the paperwork to get the animal back after illegally trying to smuggle a WILD ANIMAL NOT MEANT TO BE A PET into the country earlier this year. Luckily, little Mally will live to see another day, though we’re not yet sure where.

Chris Brown got into a minor accident today when he rear-ended a chick in a Mercedes, who I’m sure was thrilled to get out of her car to exchange insurance info and see Chris Brown. TMZ was all over it. Is it possible they may have caused the accident by hounding Chris Brown? Or perhaps it was the photography company x17 who quickly posted a video of Brown and the woman exchanging insurance info right after it happened? I don’t know, I don’t know if they were following him or if they got there after. But damn, they’re quick. From TMZ:

Chris Brown has yet another legal problem to deal with, after crashing his car in Burbank.

The accident happened an hour or so ago … The photog tells us Chris was driving his Range Rover with his GF du jour Karrueche Tran, when he rear-ended a Mercedes.

Chris parked in front of the Mercedes and then exchanged info with the Mercedes chick.  The photog says damage to her car was “medium” … as opposed to rare.

Ha ha.

Considering Chris Brown didn’t want to pay $10.00 for valet, I wish this woman good luck on ever getting money from Brown or Brown’s insurance company.

Chris Brown can’t seem to catch a break. People are always trying to hold him responsible for his violent, misogynistic actions and stifling his artistic creativity. Well, now it gets worse: some people actually want him dead and are calling in threats to his lawyer’s office. Is this actually happening? Is it a ploy for sympathy? Who can say, but take ‘er away, TMZ:

The Los Angeles Police Department is currently investigating death threats made against Chris Brown … TMZ has learned.

According to our sources, multiple threats were called in to the office of Brown’s attorney, Mark Geragos. We’re told the caller threatened Chris’ life … but it’s unclear what, if any, specific threats were made.

Our sources say Geragos took the threats very seriously and immediately reported them to the LAPD, giving them all the information he had on the calls.

We’re told Geragos filled out a report and the LAPD are currently investigating.

Something in the water ain’t clean here -  I just don’t think this happened at all. After all, Chris Brown didn’t JUST get this reprehensible last week. He’s been an insufferable waste of space for years, so it’d be a bit anti-climactic for someone to get all up in arms now. Is this because of the devil art on his walls? Eh, whatever.

Why anyone would at all be surprised that Chris Brown is a total asshole who couldn’t care less about what anyone thinks or feels is beyond me, but let’s all get outraged together because he put some “devil art” graffiti on the outside wall of his Los Angeles house and refuses to get rid of it despite it ruining the neighbourhood vibe.

Here’s the deal: Brown has some terrible artwork on the outside wall his property, and its ugliness is not even the crime here. It’s illegal to have shit like that all over the place and he’s already been cited for “excessive signage” but he basically thinks everyone else needs to get over it and has refused to rectify the situation. Nevermind that he could put this shit INSIDE his property where no one else has to look at his garbage, but whatever. Just like everything else in his life, he bears no responsibility for what’s happening and instead has once again taken on the role of victim, claiming that he’s being harassed. Oh, f-ck off with this idiot, already.

From The Los Angeles Times:

Neighbors claim the monsters are scaring neighborhood kids and ruining the hillside aesthetic of the area below Lake Hollywood.

“There are lots of babies, lots of children, and they’re literally frightened. It’s like devils on the wall — big scary eyes and big scary teeth, and just the whole vibe is not what we’re used to,” said Patti Negri, president of the Hollywood Dell Civic Assn.

Responding to complaints about the monster art, L.A. city code officials cited Brown for unpermitted and excessive signage and ordered him to remove the art within 30 days. He also faces fines that start at $376 but could rise significantly if he fails to comply.

Brown’s attorney, Mark Geragos, said the musician is not backing down. He says it’s the neighbors who are harassing Brown.

“I’m scared of neighborhood busybodies like this,” Geragos said. “They’ve called animal control. They have sicced parking [enforcement] on him, and now they reached the heights of ridiculousness here. Shame on them.”

All right, listen. I want us all to take a deep breath here because I’m going to say something unexpected: I kind of understand where they’re coming from with this. In a sense, it his his property and it’s not like he’s got Nazi signs or murals of beaten women out there (surprisingly), but I also feel like he’s refusing to negotiate at all here just to be a dickhead because that’s seemingly his M.O. in life. Still, something tells me there’s a little something more than these neighbourhood kids just being “scared” (because if your kid is scared of that, there may be some other issues), but who can say?

Chris Brown‘s private plane filled with smoke outside of Burbank, California shortly after take-off yesterday and had to make an emergency landing. What a shame. Not that it happened, but that Chris Brown didn’t jump out with a parachute to save himself, only to find that the ripcord was broken. I think you get my point.

From TMZ:

A private jet carrying Chris Brown was forced to make an emergency landing in Burbank yesterday after the cockpit filled with smoke after takeoff … TMZ has learned.

We’ve confirmed … Brown boarded a Gulfstream 3 jet in Burbank and was headed for Teterboro, NJ … so he could attend the Met Gala event.

But sources tell us … roughly 7 to 8 minutes into the flight, everyone on board began to notice smoke filling the plane.

One source told us, “It was A LOT of smoke … everywhere.”

The pilot immediately turned the plane around and performed an emergency landing back at Burbank airport.

We’re told the passengers were scared … but the pilot was cool, calm and collected … and couldn’t have handled the situation better.

Here’s the crazy part — after the plane touched down, Brown decided he STILL wanted to get to the Met Gala event in NY … and boarded ANOTHER private jet within an hour of touching down.

Chris Brown and Rihanna have more drama than a Meryl Streep movie (love you, Meryl!), so there’s always some story floating around about how they’re broken up and then back together again or they’re getting married and Rihanna’s pregnant and blah blah blah. After the couple’s recent social media bust-up, Chris Brown apparently did an interview confirming that the pair had split and that he considers himself to be single.

On Australia’s Kyle O & Jackie Show, Chris said (via DS):

“I actually have three birthday parties scheduled: one in LA, one in Vegas, and one in New York, so we can go ahead and have fun, and I’m just trying to have the best time and basically celebrate with all my fans and all the people that’s in the club and the parties.”

When asked what the best present he could receive would be, Brown said peace of mind, but added: “You know, I’m 24, I’m going to be in Las Vegas, so I really want to see as many girls as possible.”

Kyle Sandilands then asked Brown what his “status” was, and whether he would be partying alone, to which the rapper said: “Yeah, I’m gonna do it solo.”

Brown, who turned 24 on Sunday (May 5), continued: “The way I look at it is… I’m always going to love that person, but people have differences, and people have different wants and needs.”

“At the end of the day she’s a young girl. I can’t really be focused on wife-ing somebody that young… and I’m young too.”

“I just got to step forward and be a man and be the best Chris Brown I can be instead of worrying about whoever else is going to be in my side pocket.”

So, basically you want to f-ck a lot of different women (all of whom have to be dumb enough to actually want to f-ck you despite you being a total shitbag) but then maybe come back to Rihanna when her tour is over? I don’t know, I mean, whatever with these two. Listen to Chris’s whole interview (if you dare) below:

Relationships taking place on/ending because of social media is something that should be limited to the 12-16 age group, and yet grown ass adults are still obsessed with posting their every action with their significant other all over Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Vine, tumblr and whatever the f-ck else is out there to share shit on. I get it – you’re proud to be with your lady/man. Live it up! But I shouldn’t have to read about how “LOL Mark is sooooo gross he just farted and put my head under the cover OMGGG nasty but I love my man <3 <3 <3″ every five seconds. Kill me now.

Anyway, Chris Brown, Rihanna and Drake haven’t got the message on this, apparently, because all this drama is unfolding over bullshit that’s not even anything and totally doesn’t matter. Here’s how it apparently went down: Rihanna decided to follow Drake on Instagram and liked one of his photos. Because Drake is Chris Brown’s mortal enemy, Chris decided to unfollow Rihanna on Twitter less than 24 hours after that. Instead, Chris is now following his ex-girfriend, Karrueche Tran. LOL to all of this.

Drake hasn’t said anything to anyone, so he’s not really part of this whole nonsense. He’s probably writing poetry by candlelight (the candle which illuminates his Rihanna shrine, natch) and thinking that it was totally worth it to steal a strand of her hair from a hotel pillowcase for his love potion. It’s working, Drake! It’s really working!

Chris Brown must be pretty insecure if he thinks an Instagram follow means anything besides “I’m too lazy to look up your profile every time I wanna creep on what you’re doing so I guess I’ll put you in my timeline”. Rihanna does seem like the type to f-ck with Chris, though, and this is one situation in which I actually support such behaviour.

Chris Brown is just basically awful in every way at this point (although he still isn’t even the #1 most hated celebrity — that goes to Gwyneth), and not a good boyfriend candidate for Rihanna. Though Brown claims they’re not together, I think it’s bullshit.

Even Chris Brown’s dad, Clinton Brown, says they’re back together and that it’s a bad idea. He told The New York Daily News,

I personally really didn’t want him and Rihanna back together.

His phrasing suggests that they are in fact a couple again. He goes on to sort of explain why he is against it.

You have to have a balance in a relationship. You have to have someone who is spontaneous and whimsical but you also have to have someone who is grounded and logical. … Is that a given — that you can’t have fortune and fame without (death) being the end result?

Boy, that escalated quickly.

Not that Brown isn’t obviously capable of violence — we’ve seen he’s really adept at that — but it’s troubling when your own dad theorizes that your relationship could end you murdering the other person.

I don’t even know what to say about these two anymore.

20. Chris Brown
19. Jesse James
18. Taylor Swift
17. Shia LaBeouf
16. Lindsay Lohan
15. Angelina Jolie
14. Jay Leno
13. Ashton Kutcher
12. LeAnn Rimes
10 and 11. Kris Jenner and Kim Kardashian
9. Anne Hathaway
8. Justin Bieber
7. Madonna
6. Matt Lauer
5. Katherine Heigl
4. John Mayer
3. Jennifer Lopez
2. Kristen Stewart
1. Gwyneth Paltrow

This is a pretty good list. I’m shocked to see that Kanye West isn’t on here. I love him but I thought he was one of the most hated people around. I’m not sure if he’s psyched or pissed not to be included. I also didn’t realize that people hated Matt Lauer this much. Damn. Too bad this poll was taken after Justin Bieber’s idiotic Anne Frank statement or I’m sure he would be higher up. Kristen Stewart now has the dubious honor of being one of the most hated and least attractive female celebrities. Hey, good for her! At least she’s good at stuff!

Who is your ultimate most hated celebrity?

During an interview with the Keep It Thoro radio show, Drake basically said what we all know: his music’s better than Chris’s, he f-cked Rihanna and she liked it and… he’s willing to make peace?

“His insecurities are the fact that I make better music than him, that I’m more popping than him and that at one point in life the woman that he loves fell into my lap.

“I did what a real n***a would do and treated her with respect. We have an issue and it’s either gonna drag out, or maybe in ten years we’ll laugh about it over drinks. Just let us solve that shit.”

LOL. Well, okay. Drake cracks me up – he tries to go hard talking about dropping bodies and shit and then he rounds it all up by saying the equivalent of, “But we could totally work it out if he wants to talk about it.” Ever the peace maker, that Aubrey. (And reminds me of Big Ghost’s review of Take Care – if you haven’t read it, do yourself a favour.) But seriously – Drake’s music is SO much better than Brown’s. That alone should say everything there is to say.

Yo, if you’re going to sue someone for some bodily harm, wouldn’t you do that shit immediately after it happened? Well, you’re clearly not Chris Brown‘s bodyguard Patrick Strickland, who just now filed a lawsuit against Drake and the W.i.P nightclub in New York over the brawl between Drake and Brown that happened last June.

I’m sure you remember the (boring) details: Drake apparently taunted poor Chris over the fact that he, too, f-cked Rihanna and she really liked it. This made Chris mad, Cristal bottles were thrown, lips were busted, blah blah blah. (Side note: Drake is wayyyy too thirsty, but that’s a whole other issue.) In any case, Strickland apparently got his head busted in the midst of all this and now he wants Drake and the club to pay up.

From The New York Post:

Hired muscle Patrick Strickland snidely refers to Drake as “a popular and successful, albeit critically derided, entertainer,” in his lawsuit filed Monday in Manhattan Supreme Court.

Strickland, 43, who hails from Queens Village, claims the hot spot, W.i.P., is responsible for the ugly head cut he suffered during the melee because it sat Brown’s entourage and Drake’s crew near each other, even though staffers knew the celebrities were beefing over sultry R&B songstress Rihanna.

The seating arrangement created “a substantial and unjustifiable risk that a mass altercation would occur between the two camps,” the suit for an unspecified amount of damages states.

Moreover, the club over-served Drake and his posse, and had an employee hand Brown a note from Drake that read: “I’m f–king the love of your life,” according to the Strickland suit.

The note allegedly led to a “verbal altercation” and that caused a “massive bar brawl that involved bottle throwing, possible gunshots and a general state of riot and disorder,” the suit charges.

Strickland was hit in the head and required stitches, reports said at the time. The suit says he endured “severe and disfiguring injuries to his face, head and eyes.”

Okay, how are you gonna blame a club for where you’re sitting? Last time I checked, club tables don’t come with chains and handcuffs – so get your ass up from the chair and move somewhere else, for God’s sake. And don’t get started on the whole cultural aspect of it and the fact that Brown’s camp wouldn’t have wanted to move and seem “weak” (remember, this is Drake on the other end, anyway). If that’s how they felt, then that’s fine and well, but you don’t then go boo hoo-ing your way into court when that decision backfires on your ass. Though I’m not sure what’s worse, a lawsuit or a song calling your enemy gay.

Rihanna‘s tweets make no sense to me. I don’t understand what she’s tweeting. Like what does any of this mean?:

The link goes to a photo of her wearing a yellow dress (see above).

But the worst is that yesterday she tweeted with a link to a photo of her and Chris Brown smiling and having a grand ole time. Here’s the tweet:

Here is the photo:

They allegedly just broke up, but whatever, friends totally cuddle in cars and take photos of themselves that they know are going to give them a lot of publicity.

So, whatever. Whatever Rihanna. Also it says a lot when Amanda Bynes’ tweets make more sense than yours. At least she’s direct.