I know I should be excitedly reporting the news that Kendra Wilkinson has followed in Holly Madison’s footsteps and confirmed her break-up with Hef, but mostly I’m still slobbering over the fact that Kendra Wilkinson and Chelsea Handler had a conversation and it was videotaped.

I can’t imagine a better recipe for funny.

Also Chelsea Handler makes a joke about how black men have huge penises, and Kendra totally doesn’t get it.

Oh. My. God.

So I’m having dinner with a friend tonight. He reads my blog and so knows about all my celebrity crushes. And he’s like, “Okay, let’s rank them. Who do we have? Michael Phelps, of course. And Patrick Stewart. And Adrian Grenier. Oh, and Adam Duritz. And who else is in your top five? Christian Bale? Rank them from one to five.” And so we go through the process, and Adam Duritz came out on top, and my friend’s like “Really? Even with the fat?” And I thought about it, and I was like, “Ya know, maybe not with the fat. Because I tend to have clitoral orgasms, so I need to be able to rub up against the pelvic bone during sex, and with a really fat guy I couldn’t do that, so maybe me and Adam wouldn’t work after all.” So then I thought maybe Adrian would be on top, or Michael Phelps — if we wrapped the American flag around his face — and Patrick Stewart always comes in fifth because, although he is hot, he is undoubtedly old.

Here’s the point.

None of this matters anymore.

Because Chelsea Handler gets me wetter than any of those dudes combined.

Chelsea, baby, I love you in a way I didn’t know I could love. Your genius inspires me in a way I didn’t know I could be inspired. I want to be a part of you and scoop out some of you and keep it for myself. Is that gross? Chelsea, love, I don’t care. You are my everything, Chelsea Handler, you are my world, you are my future, and your genius is as boundless as my admiration for you.

OMG I need Chelsea Handler to adopt me and teach me everything she knows.

Check out this BRILLIANT interview she did with Christopher Ciccone. But before you get to the good stuff you have to listen to Christopher bitch for a full minute about how the NY Observer called him “short and paunchy.” Sweetheart, that’s about the least mean thing I’d have to say about you.

Anyway.

Marry me, Chelsea.