Chelsea Handler has inked a deal with Comcast Entertainment Group that will keep her show, Chelsea Lately, on the air until 2012. I must confess, for 2007 and a portion of 2008, I thought Chelsea’s last name was Lately.
Her show debuted in 2007 and ratings have steadily grown ever since-especially in the female 18-34 demographic. Sigh. I guess this means I will begrudgingly concede that she has talent that extends beyond fucking the CEO of Comcast. Which, incidentally, she does.
I currently have Handler’s book, Are You There Vodka? It’s Me, Chelsea, sitting on my dining room table waiting to be read. This could be the day I actually open it and start reading in hopes of discovering the appeal.
Sadly, I just realized as I was writing this that I am now in the totally irrelevant demographic of 35-death. Beet, on the other hand, is a young and nubile twenty-seven years old today. Network executives still care about her and her viewing habits. She still matters. I’m so depressed.
My future mentor, Chelsea “Genius” Handler, is ragging on Tori Spelling’s “gay following” in a new interview with The Advocate. The interviewer asked her if she went to any Prop 8 rallies:
I only go where the gay people invite me to go. Itâ€™s not nice to do things for the community only when people are looking. People who speak out for gay people just so that they can create a fan base annoy the shit out of me. People like Tori Spelling. She doesnâ€™t have compassion for them. Sheâ€™s not going out doing things for them. Sheâ€™s like, â€œOh, I have such a huge gay following.â€ Itâ€™s because no one else is following her!
Chelsea also talked a bit about her late mother, who was Mormon:
Well, we kept the Mormon side down to a dull roar growing up, because we realized how ridiculous and intolerant that religion is. My mom was never really a typical devout Mormon. After my brother passed away when he was 21 years old, my mom turned to religion, as many people do, but she was very tolerant of other religions. It was a melding of religions in our household, which worked out well because weâ€™re all open to anythingâ€”and, as a final result, not religious at all. Organized religion, more than anything else, is completely inappropriate.
Chelsea Handler was on site at the Charmin’s Plush Potties for the People launch in California this week.Â I am trying to imagine the conversation her agent had with her prior to booking this gig.Â “Hey, Chelsea, Charmin…yeah..the tissue people…want you to appear at the launch of their tour Potties for the People.Â Here’s the deal:Â you get escorted by guys in tuxes to a toilet that’s in a trailer.Â When you are done, they clean it up for the next person.Â The goal is to celebrate clean toilets across America.Â What do you say?Â I think it’s a really relevant appearance for you.Â Â The sky is the limit for youÂ if this goes well.”Â
I know I should be excitedly reporting the news that Kendra Wilkinson has followed in Holly Madison’s footsteps and confirmed her break-up with Hef, but mostly I’m still slobbering over the fact that Kendra Wilkinson and Chelsea Handler had a conversation and it was videotaped.
I can’t imagine a better recipe for funny.
Also Chelsea Handler makes a joke about how black men have huge penises, and Kendra totally doesn’t get it.
So I’m having dinner with a friend tonight. He reads my blog and so knows about all my celebrity crushes. And he’s like, “Okay, let’s rank them. Who do we have? Michael Phelps, of course. And Patrick Stewart. And Adrian Grenier. Oh, and Adam Duritz. And who else is in your top five? Christian Bale? Rank them from one to five.” And so we go through the process, and Adam Duritz came out on top, and my friend’s like “Really? Even with the fat?” And I thought about it, and I was like, “Ya know, maybe not with the fat. Because I tend to have clitoral orgasms, so I need to be able to rub up against the pelvic bone during sex, and with a really fat guy I couldn’t do that, so maybe me and Adam wouldn’t work after all.” So then I thought maybe Adrian would be on top, or Michael Phelps — if we wrapped the American flag around his face — and Patrick Stewart always comes in fifth because, although he is hot, he is undoubtedly old.
Here’s the point.
None of this matters anymore.
Because Chelsea Handler gets me wetter than any of those dudes combined.
Chelsea, baby, I love you in a way I didn’t know I could love. Your genius inspires me in a way I didn’t know I could be inspired. I want to be a part of you and scoop out some of you and keep it for myself. Is that gross? Chelsea, love, I don’t care. You are my everything, Chelsea Handler, you are my world, you are my future, and your genius is as boundless as my admiration for you.
OMG I need Chelsea Handler to adopt me and teach me everything she knows.
Check out this BRILLIANT interview she did with Christopher Ciccone. But before you get to the good stuff you have to listen to Christopher bitch for a full minute about how the NY Observer called him “short and paunchy.” Sweetheart, that’s about the least mean thing I’d have to say about you.