Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Charlie Sheen

Don’t Worry, Charlie Sheen Didn’t Really Marry That Porn Star

charlie sheen brett rossi

Charlie Sheen has been dating ex-porn star Brett Rossi for a little while now, and during a recent trip to the Icelandic capital of Reykjavík, the pair posed for a photo in front of the French consulate there. Charlie posted that photo to Twitter, along with a claim that they’d gotten married. Feast your eyes on this:


The only problem is, they’re not actually married, as Charlie’s rep felt the need to immediately clear up. The spokesperson told Gossip Cop that Charlie was “just joking around”, which may or may not be code for high as a kite/drunk off his ass. Either way, he’s still technically single, so step right up, ladies!

It’s a crying shame that he’s got time to fuck around writing “poetry” for Twitter and going on trips with his ex-porn star girlfriend but he’s not at all concerned about his kids, their behavioural issues or any of that. Lovely to see a caring parent.

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Charlie Sheen Has Some Words for the ‘Duck Dynasty’ Guys

charlie sheen phil robertson

The hit A&E show Duck Dynasty is in some trouble following Phil Robertson‘s homophobic and racist GQ tirade, which has left its future up in the air. People are angry, and understandably so. However, perhaps the most surprising reaction in this whole thing randomly comes from Charlie Sheen, whose outrage is unexpected but I suppose bizarrely enjoyable.

hey Mallard brained Phil Robertso! you have offended and hurt... on Twitpic

hey Mallard brained
Phil Robertso!
you have offended and hurt so many dear friends of mine,
who DO NOT have the voice or the outreach that I do.
well news flash
shower-dodger,
I will speak loudly and clearly for ALL of them.
so,
just when your desperately sub evolved ass thought the pressure was off,
you are now in the crosshairs of a MaSheen style media
beat down.
(I’ll try to keep the big words to a minimum as not to confuse you)

your statements were and are
abhorrently and
mendaciously unforgivable.

the idea that you have a job
outside of dirt-clod stacking
is a miracle.

the only ‘Dynasty’ you are attached to might be the
re-runs of that dated show.

the only thing you should ever be in charge of building is a hole in the ground the exact size of your head.
perhaps your beard would fit as well if you plucked out the
army of scabies and
bull weevils sequestered deep in it’s sarcophagus of dander and weasel pelts.

shame on you.
you’re the only surviving
brain donor I’ve ever known.

when the gators and Egrets
kick you out of their
hovel,
you need to make serious amends to those you have
radically offended.

on the eight day
when I was whittling my cosmic banjo,
I’m pretty sure YOU were the scattered dross I then used to light a fire and
locate the nearest
Andy Gump.

repulsed by you;
c sheen

hash tag;
Duck; that was me.

Uh, I love that Charlie Sheen is writing poetry now. This whole thing is hilarious, as is his follow-up tweet:

 

Meanwhile, Louisiana’s Lt. Governor Jay Dardeene will be really upset if Duck Dynasty gets cancelled, so he’s offered to help the guys find another network to air the show if things don’t work out with A&E. From The Hollywood Reporter:

“Regardless of one’s views on Phil Robertson’s statements, Duck Dynasty has been an important representation of the state of Louisiana, inspiring prospective visitors and investors since its debut.

“If the Robertson family cannot come to an agreement with A&E and wants to continue the show, Louisiana already has the infrastructure in place to maintain their record-breaking program,” he wrote.

Dardenne, who authored the state’s film and TV tax credit program, said he would use his influence in the state’s industry to help the Robertsons.

Well, isn’t that… special? Yes, wouldn’t want to let those pesky human rights get in the way of state profits, now would we?

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L.A. County Says Charlie Sheen Doesn’t Care About His Kids

Charlie-Sheen

Charlie Sheen says ex wife Brooke Mueller shouldn’t have custody because she’s “evil” but L.A. County Dept. Children and Family Services doesn’t think Sheen is all that great either. TMZ‘s sources have it all:

they’re pissed that Charlie is hurling grenades at everyone involved in the mess that has become his family — calling Brooke Mueller a “whore,” the judge an “anus brain” and DCFS “incompetent and lascivious.”

Our DCFS sources — who work in the trenches — say Charlie has NEVER made a real move to take custody of Bob and Max. As one source put it, “He cares more about his drugs and porn stars than he does the kids.”

You know what? I don’t even doubt that. He really is childish.

I’m done giving him any more attention.

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Denise Richards Can’t Handle Charlie Sheen’s Bad Ass Kids Anymore

denise richards charlie sheen

Denise Richards has been looking after Charlie Sheen and Brooke Mueller‘s 4-year-old twins, Bob and Max, for the past few months since their parents are both raging drug addicts with no ability to parent a child. However, things are about to become a whole lot messier as even Denise can’t handle these little bad asses anymore. They’re torturing her dogs and her daughters and just being really violent and throw their own shit, among other things. Denise has had enough, so much so that she went to the authorities to tell them so.

From TMZ:

Sources connected with DCFS tell TMZ … Denise wrote a letter to the agency, saying the kids are violent and out of control, and she says it’s ALL Brooke’s fault.

DCFS sources say the letter details horrifying conduct.  Denise says Bob and Max often go into a “zombie-like state” — they repeatedly kick her dogs in the head and squeeze their heads with both hands while watching the dogs whimper in pain.  She also says the kids will flip from sweetly petting the dog to strangling the animals and lifting them off the ground by the neck.

According to the letter, Denise would tell the kids they were hurting the dogs, and Bob and Max would reply that they wanted to hurt and kill the dogs.

According to the letter, the violence is not limited to animals.  Denise says her daughters — Sam, Lola and Eloise — have been targets of the boys.  She says her daughters have been strangled, kicked in the head and stomach, scratched, bit, slapped, punched in the face and head, and spit on by Bob and Max.  Denise describes one incident which she seems to blame on Brooke — after visiting Mueller, Bob threw a toy at Sam’s face and she had to go to the doctor.

Denise says Bob and Max went to school in September and they have been problematic from the get-go.  She says Bob in particular has harmed other kids and punched and slapped teachers in the face.

Denise says the kids have also thrown their own feces into the bathroom of one of her daughters.

In the letter, Denise connects the bad conduct to the time the kids spend at Brooke’s home, claiming they act out violently when they are returned to Denise.  She also says the kids have had horrible nightmares after returning from Brooke’s home, where the kids would stay up with her til 4 AM.

In the long letter to DCFS, Denise — who has temporary guardianship of the boys while Brooke deals with her drug problems — says pediatricians have advised her to seek psychological counseling for the boys, but Brooke has blocked that effort.

This is actually a really sad story, because these kids are MESSED UP due to the situations they’ve been around for most of their lives up until this point. Also, the fact that Charlie’s ex-wife is looking after his kids… I mean, it’s all just a giant mess, isn’t it? I don’t really know anything about Denise Richards, but the woman is a saint for taking all this on on, because she’s clearly doing it out of the kindness of her heart and the sake of these children. But her daughters must be like, HELL NO, get these little bastards out of here! What a tough situation for everyone involved, especially Bob and Max, who I feel need to get into counseling NOW or else they’re gonna end up exactly like their parents :(

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Brooke Mueller Can’t Get A Restraining Order Against Crazy Charlie Sheen

brooke mueller charlie sheen

Charlie Sheen went on a recent rant about ex-wife Brooke Mueller, calling her “evil” and a “whore.” He’s concerned that her home isn’t a safe place for their kids, and Sheen doesn’t have sole custody. (Also, he just sucks, he’s Charlie Sheen.)

On the other side, Mueller isn’t taking too kindly to such verbal attacks, and filed a restraining order against him. Unfortunately for her, she didn’t get it. Here’s more of Sheen’s ranting from her request, via Daily News:

[T]here will be a reckoning. There will be a whirlwind. That they will all reap while desperate begging for my forgiveness. You’ve all been warned.

Sheen retaliated with more classy 12-year-old dude insults, like tweeting,

You are a chubby weirdo who will lose at every turn trying to get between me and my boys.

He then posted a photo of a birthday cake with a grenade in it. For her. How sweet.

brooke-cake

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Charlie Sheen Calls His Ex Wife “Evil” and “A Whore”

Charlie-Sheen

Oh, look, Charlie Sheen is saying bad things about women, specifically his ex wife. I don’t think he’s ever done this before. How very unlike him to call someone “a whore” when he disagrees with them.

Okay, in all fairness (ugh), he’s referring to his ex wife, Brooke Mueller, who isn’t the most reliable person. He’s upset because she’s the mother of their kids and she’s not very stable. She’s been in and out of rehab. But Charlie isn’t exactly father of the year. He doesn’t have full custody. For whatever reason, their kids were given back to Mueller (they were in the custody of Sheen’s other ex wife, Denise Richards) and Sheen is freaking out because he doesn’t think it’s a good home for young children. Here’s what TMZ is exclusively reporting:

Sheen just called TMZ and told us … his 4-and-a-half year old twin boys Bob and Max have already suffered physical and emotional damage from the time they’ve spent in Brooke’s care. In fact, he says they’re very close to getting kicked out of school.

Charlie says the boys are deathly afraid of Brooke’s house — which is covered in pet lizards, various insects and other critters — and they suffer night terrors after spending time at the home. Charlie also says Bob suffered a bad rash on his face after recently spending time with Brooke — a rash that “looked like somebody burned him.”

Charlie says he’s complained to L.A. Child Services — but they refuse to help. Instead, Charlie claims, Brooke is getting MORE custody … and he doesn’t understand why. Sheen ripped Child Services on a Twitter rant last night — calling them “doosh bags” who have done nothing to protect his children. He also called Brooke an “evil and pathetic über loser” and a “whore.”

It’s really hard though to take anything Charlie Sheen says seriously. But if he’s not overreacting and the home really is unfit for kids, they shouldn’t be there.

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No One Wanted Charlie Sheen On Jury Duty

A photo of Charlie Sheen

Charlie Sheen was summoned for jury duty and actually showed up. Honestly, I’m surprised. Good work, Carlos. I didn’t think he’d turn down the offer to throw a tantrum for doing something he didn’t want to do. He didn’t make it very far before he was dismissed entirely. He spent the day (more like a few hours), “organizing his bets for the World Series, taking pics with fans, and downing a BLT for lunch” according to TMZ. But that’s not all. “I napped in the room most of the day!” he told reporters.

Tom Hanks was recently called in for jury duty and made it to the jury. Because of course. He’s Tom Hanks. (And Walt Disney, too.) However, Mr. Hanks’ involvement almost lead to a mistrial. Not his fault. A lawyer at the courthouse thanked Hanks for his service, which the defendants’ lawyer used to ask the judge for a mistrial, for, “prosecutorial misconduct.” They settled. (CNN)

God bless America.

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