Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Charlie Sheen

Charlie Sheen Wants to Put Ashton Kutcher on a “Hospital Food Diet”

charlie sheen ashton kutcher

Oh God, this is STILL HAPPENING. Charlie Sheen wasn’t so pleased when Ashton Kutcher took his place on Two and a Half Men THREE YEARS AGO, but while most people would have long ago left that nonsense behind, Charlie’s STILL talking about it and trying to drag Ashton via Twitter every once in a while (when he’s drunk/high on cocaine?). Look, Two and a Half Men is a misogynistic shitshow with the worst, most unbelievable, most ridiculous plotlines I’ve ever seen. One time I was watching something on CBS that came on after it and caught the tail end (so to speak) of an episode in which Ashton and Jon Cryer’s characters were working out between them how they were gonna have a threesome with Cryer’s girlfriend (who really wanted a piece of Ashton) without their dongs touching. That’s quality TV there. Charlie Sheen needs to get a grip (and that show needs to be canceled).

Anyhow, Ashton was asked about the mini feud on Jimmy Kimmel Live, to which he replied:

“Dude, shut the fuck up! Seriously, like. Enough already. Like it’s like three years later and you’re still blowing me up on Twitter. Like come on dude, really?”

Charlie caught wind of that and took to Twitter to make amends (seemingly), posting the following on Twitter:


However, he changed his mind two hours later and posted this:


Oh, Charlie. Lay off the coke, brother.

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Don’t Worry, Charlie Sheen Didn’t Really Marry That Porn Star

charlie sheen brett rossi

Charlie Sheen has been dating ex-porn star Brett Rossi for a little while now, and during a recent trip to the Icelandic capital of Reykjavík, the pair posed for a photo in front of the French consulate there. Charlie posted that photo to Twitter, along with a claim that they’d gotten married. Feast your eyes on this:


The only problem is, they’re not actually married, as Charlie’s rep felt the need to immediately clear up. The spokesperson told Gossip Cop that Charlie was “just joking around”, which may or may not be code for high as a kite/drunk off his ass. Either way, he’s still technically single, so step right up, ladies!

It’s a crying shame that he’s got time to fuck around writing “poetry” for Twitter and going on trips with his ex-porn star girlfriend but he’s not at all concerned about his kids, their behavioural issues or any of that. Lovely to see a caring parent.

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Charlie Sheen Has Some Words for the ‘Duck Dynasty’ Guys

charlie sheen phil robertson

The hit A&E show Duck Dynasty is in some trouble following Phil Robertson‘s homophobic and racist GQ tirade, which has left its future up in the air. People are angry, and understandably so. However, perhaps the most surprising reaction in this whole thing randomly comes from Charlie Sheen, whose outrage is unexpected but I suppose bizarrely enjoyable.

hey Mallard brained Phil Robertso! you have offended and hurt... on Twitpic

hey Mallard brained
Phil Robertso!
you have offended and hurt so many dear friends of mine,
who DO NOT have the voice or the outreach that I do.
well news flash
shower-dodger,
I will speak loudly and clearly for ALL of them.
so,
just when your desperately sub evolved ass thought the pressure was off,
you are now in the crosshairs of a MaSheen style media
beat down.
(I’ll try to keep the big words to a minimum as not to confuse you)

your statements were and are
abhorrently and
mendaciously unforgivable.

the idea that you have a job
outside of dirt-clod stacking
is a miracle.

the only ‘Dynasty’ you are attached to might be the
re-runs of that dated show.

the only thing you should ever be in charge of building is a hole in the ground the exact size of your head.
perhaps your beard would fit as well if you plucked out the
army of scabies and
bull weevils sequestered deep in it’s sarcophagus of dander and weasel pelts.

shame on you.
you’re the only surviving
brain donor I’ve ever known.

when the gators and Egrets
kick you out of their
hovel,
you need to make serious amends to those you have
radically offended.

on the eight day
when I was whittling my cosmic banjo,
I’m pretty sure YOU were the scattered dross I then used to light a fire and
locate the nearest
Andy Gump.

repulsed by you;
c sheen

hash tag;
Duck; that was me.

Uh, I love that Charlie Sheen is writing poetry now. This whole thing is hilarious, as is his follow-up tweet:

 

Meanwhile, Louisiana’s Lt. Governor Jay Dardeene will be really upset if Duck Dynasty gets cancelled, so he’s offered to help the guys find another network to air the show if things don’t work out with A&E. From The Hollywood Reporter:

“Regardless of one’s views on Phil Robertson’s statements, Duck Dynasty has been an important representation of the state of Louisiana, inspiring prospective visitors and investors since its debut.

“If the Robertson family cannot come to an agreement with A&E and wants to continue the show, Louisiana already has the infrastructure in place to maintain their record-breaking program,” he wrote.

Dardenne, who authored the state’s film and TV tax credit program, said he would use his influence in the state’s industry to help the Robertsons.

Well, isn’t that… special? Yes, wouldn’t want to let those pesky human rights get in the way of state profits, now would we?

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