Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Charlie Sheen

Charlie Sheen’s Car Crashes in a Ravine

In what represents an appropriate metaphor for his life in the last 6 months, Charlie Sheen’s vehicle went off a cliff early Friday morning.

The car’s On*Star system automatically notified emergency services when the crash occurred at around 3:45am somewhere off of Mulholland Drive. Sheen himself was then notified by phone because he wasn’t in the vehicle when it crashed. Or so the story goes…

The official story is that the car was stolen by persons unknown from Sheen’s driveway, and then crashed off a 400 foot embankment into some brush. Sheen states that he arrived at his home at 8:30 and was in bed by 10:30. He didn’t even know his car was missing until he received a call from On*Star.

I suppose a very skillful, stealthy car thief could have sneaked into (and then out of) his gated community, disabled the alarm, stolen his car without anyone noticing, and then had a fucking aneurism or something to make him run the car off a cliff.

The insane conspiracy theorist in me pictures a sauced Sheen having a doozy of a D.U.I. and calling a friend to quickly spirit him away from the scene before anyone was the wiser. But that theory doesn’t hold much water.

Three other cars were reportedly broken into in the same area that night and a Bentley was later found crashed off another embankment down the same road. There’s no indication that anyone was in either of the cars at the time, so this might just be the work of vandals who have something against either luxury vehicles or Two and a Half Men.

Brooke Mueller’s Not On Drugs, OK?

Brooke Mueller took off to North Carolina last week to go to a “wellness facility”, which is usually Hollywood legalese for “drying out and doing rich people things in a safe, drug-free environment”. Rumors started flying that Brooke was on crack (crack!?), and that the day Charlie got all knifey on her, she was high. Brooke’s attorney thinks you’re a moron if you believe that story, though and said the following to E! News about his client:

“She’s in North Carolina with her mother for some rest and relaxation, and she is still being treated for her infection and pneumonia,” he says. “The story about her being in rehab is a crock of crap.”

Brooke’s mom is with her at the rehab facility and also insists that her daughter is just there to relax and get her shit together. She also spoke to E! and said, “I’m with Brooke right now. It’s true that we are at a resort that specializes in many things for a ‘wellness’ facility…People come here for a variety of reasons. Brooke’s reason is mainly to get away and be pampered, and, at the same time, she can work on her physical and emotional health.”

So we’re settled on that. Brooke Mueller is just going to therapy and getting massages. But I’m interested to know where crack came in to play. What an interesting drug to accuse someone who’s not Whitney Houston of being on.

It’s “Business As Usual” for Charlie Sheen

Sheen headed back to work this week at CBS,  and the studio is being supportive, but careful to leave themselves an out if they decide later on that he’s not worth the trouble. CBS entertainment president Nina Tassler said that they are regarding the matter as personal:

“We are being very sensitive to the fact that this is a very personal and very private matter for Charlie,” Tassler said. “Right now it is business as usual.”

Which is executive-speak for, “His hit show makes us a lot of money, so we’re not going to drop the hammer unless it stops making us a lot of money.”

Sheen filmed an episode of Two and a Half Men earlier this week in front of a live studio audience that was said to be “very supportive.”  Executive producer Chuck Lorre also seems to be standing by his man:

“I can’t speak to his personal situation but I can tell you that he showed up on Monday and we had a great week. Rehearsals went really well and last night we did a live show in front of a studio audience, and it was a big success for us.”

I always thought the title Two and a Half Men referred to the two grown men and the little boy on the show. But seeing Sheen as a knife-wielding psychopath gives it a whole other meaning.

Prosecutors will decide whether or not to file charges on Sheen at a court hearing that is scheduled for February 8th. Perhaps everyone is just adopting a wait-and-see attitude until then? Thus far, the only real backlash Sheen seems to have faced is being dropped by Hanes as their spokesman. It’s not often that one gets dropped by their underwear instead of the other way around.

A Really Great Message From Brooke Mueller To Women Everywhere

Brooke Mueller and Charlie Sheen are supposed to stay away each other until a judge sees their case regarding Charlie going hella craycray on Brooke with a knife over Christmas. Brooke’s lawyer even said as much to People Magazine in an interview. However, the two were seen dining last night and Hollywood and word has it that Brooke is dying to get back with her more-famous hubby.

The drama between them sounds pretty high school (According to some stories, Brooke “instigated” the near-stabbing incident after starting a fight over Charlie’s daughter Sam) and Charlie doesn’t have the best relationship track record. He’s just recently straightened things out with Denise Richards. Remember how ugly that got?

While you can always argue that they are staying together for the sake of their children and the vows they took, the two had a fight on Christmas that could have resulted in someone being murdered. I’m not Dr. Drew or anything, but I can tell you that that’s a bad news bears situation for everyone involved.

Charlie Sheen’s Wife Has a Shady Past, But Don’t We All?

Brooke Mueller and Charlie Sheen

Another day in the Brooke Mueller and Charlie Sheen saga turns up yet another story and this one does not paint a pretty picture of Brooke at all. Turns out that back in the day (1996), Brooke was somewhat of a party animal and was arrested twice, once for a DUI and a second time for cocaine possession.

From E! Online:

E! News has learned she was arrested on two separate occasions: once for driving under the influence and causing damage to property, and later for possession of cocaine. (Both cases were ultimately dropped.)

The first charges came back in 1996, when a Palm Beach police officer spotted the then 19-year-old Mueller driving erratically. The car, which held three other passengers, rounded a corner and crashed into a road sign, knocking it down but managing to avoid any injuries.

Not to downplay the dangers of drunk driving and drug use, but who cares that when Charlie Sheen’s wife was 19 she did this stuff? Sure, it’s relevant if you consider everything a person’s done in their life when assessing their ability to parent or be a decent person, but if that’s how we’re making judgements, then no one’s going to cut it. No matter what Brooke put up her nose in the mid-90s, attacks on her character take away from the severity of Charlie’s crime. Holding someone at knifepoint can not be explained or excused because the victim is maybe a bad person or has done bad things in their life. If we found out Tiger Woods’ wife had some old DUI charges, would we excuse him having over a dozen mistresses? Probably not so much. Let’s not cloud the facts with irrelevant details, huh?

Charlie Sheen Brought a Knife to a Lullaby Fight

Charlie Sheen Fights Over Daughter Sam

We’ve all heard by now that Charlie Sheen lost it and got all knifey on his wife (Brooke Mueller) over the holiday weekend by now, but we’re still not totally clear on what it was that caused the fight. Today we’ve found out that the brawl was likely over Charlie’s daughter Sam, who we saw on her mother Denise Richard’s reality show, It’s Complicated, and a song that they shared. What? Yeah, I know… it doesn’t make a ton of sense to me, either.

From E! Online:

The song apparently has something to do with a Christmas present Sheen bought for Sam. Sheen has told people that Mueller became upset and wanted to know why she and Sheen didn’t have a similar song, the source says.

“Charlie says she is really jealous of his daughters, especially after he and Denise finally started getting along,” the source says.

The source also says that Mueller has become increasingly suspicious of Sheen because of his past substance abuse issues and fondness for call girls.

While relationships should never involve knives unless your both in to that sort of thing, I could see children and their emotional welfare being the sort of subject that could drive someone over the edge. If Brooke is a wedge between Charlie and his kids after all that he’s done to reconcile with their mother, then he’s not the only one being inappropriate. He’s just inappropriate in a much more violent way. Either way, you know there’s some crazy unhealthy stuff going down when there’s a knife fight and the only explanation any one has for it is that they were fighting over a children’s song. Good luck figuring that one out, guys.

Charlie Sheen Pulled a Knife on His Wife, Because He’s Awesome Like That

Charlie Sheen Fucking Beats His Wife, Yo

I’ve been living in Scottsdale, Arizona for the past month, and word on the street is that one AWOL Tiger Woods has been hiding out in nearby Wickenburg being treated for sex addiction. I’m not entirely sure how one goes about treating sex addiction, and I have a feeling that Tiger doesn’t want his “sex addiction” “treated” so much as he wants his “endorsement money” “back,” so I’m guessing he has a lot of time on his hands. I hope he is spending that time writing thank-you notes, specifically to the estate of Brittany Murphy, to the dude who punched the Jersey Shore chick, and to Charlie Sheen, who apparently pulled a fucking knife on the mother of his children during the Christmas Eve domestic dispute that landed Charlie temporarily in the slammer.

Prosecutors are still deciding whether or not to press charges, but hopefully the court of public opinion will speak loud and clear here. How many more decades are we going to spend watching this dude play an emotionally unavailable but otherwise harmless and endearing family man on television and in movies while in real life he’s physically abusing his girlfriends and spouses? How is this acceptable? I’ve been dating for ten years, and in all that time I’ve barely had a man raise his voice to me, let alone lay a hand on me or threaten me with a weapon. This is not normal behavior. This is not behavior you have to accept in order to be in a relationship with a man. Why do women put up with this? Why does society let it slide? Stop casting Charlie Sheen, Hollywood, and stop watching him, America.