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Charlie Sheen

2Quotables: Charlie Sheen Thanks You

photo of charlie sheen pictures martin sheen

“I have a lot of work to do to be able to return the support I have received from so many people. I want to say, ‘Thank-you’ to my fellow cast members, the crew of Two and a Half Men, and everyone at CBS and Warner Bros … for their concern and support. Like Errol Flynn, who had to put down his sword on occasion, I just want to say, ‘Thank-you,’ and to my fans, your good wishes have touched me very much.”

Sure beats the hell out of calling his fans ‘a bunch of turds,’ now, doesn’t it?

I just don’t know about all this. It sounds like a semi-clever ploy in order to distract us from what’s going to happen next: Charlie, in a state of induced coke-smoked stupor, tells us that he’s buying the rights to Britney Spears’ weave, is running for governor of Alaska next term, and has plans to open a new substance abuse rehab along with Michael Lohan and Corey Haim*.

Just because he’s throwing Errol Flynn’s name around doesn’t make him coherent, you guys.

What do you think – where’s Charlie going to be in a year’s time:

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*To be fair, when we told Charlie that Corey Haim had, regretfully, passed away, he responded that he thought it was still 1989, ’cause that was the last time he was half-sober.

February 3, 2011 at 6:30 am by Sarah
Filed Under: Charlie Sheen

2So Apparently Charlie Sheen Isn’t in Rehab

photo of charlie sheen in hospital pictures

And close sources say that he won’t be going, either.

As studio and network execs for Two and a Half Men heave a giant sigh of relief, fans of Charlie shake their heads in disbelief – that a man with such talent* could be left to rot in his own alcoholism and drug addiction.

Sheen, who suffered a trip to a hospital after a two-day pornstar-and-coke binge, was driven home by the very neighbor who called an ambulance to transport the star to the hospital, and sources say that there are currently no plans in place for Charlie to visit any kind of facility for any sort of treatment – inpatient or outpatient.  Our old boy, Charlie, has once again laughed his insanity off.

Frankly, if this doesn’t have ‘bad fucking idea’ written all over it in permanent, blunt-tipped black marker, I don’t know what does. My prediction? This behavior keeps up, we’re going to have a dead Charlie Sheen on our hands within the year. They can change the name of the show to One and a Half Men and One Gristly, Dried-Up Dead Dude and you know what? It’ll probably get the same old ratings that it has for the past few years, so … loss? I guess we’ll see.

*Subjective hypothesizing

February 1, 2011 at 6:30 am by Sarah
Filed Under: Charlie Sheen

2Charlie Sheen Thankfully Pulls It Together, Heads to Rehab

A photo of Charlie Sheen

And just after I’d made that handy guide on how to be just like Charlie.  How inconsiderate.

But of course I’m joking, because yesterday Charlie Sheen made that long, long overdue decision to head back to rehab, and really, not a moment too soon.  Honestly, I’ve been known to toss back one too many margaritas, but I can’t imagine what it must be like for Charlie to be so deep in with his addiction.  Here’s hoping that this time he can kick it, and here’s the statement from the producers of Two and a Half Men:

“Due to Charlie Sheen’s decision to enter a rehabilitation center, CBS, Warner Bros. Television and executive producer Chuck Lorre are placing “Two and a Half Men” on production hiatus. We are profoundly concerned for his health and well-being, and support his decision.”

Charlie’s publicist added that “he is most grateful to all who have expressed their concern.”

January 29, 2011 at 8:00 am by Emily
Filed Under: Charlie Sheen

7How to Have Your Very Own Charlie Sheen Week in Eight Easy Steps!

A photo of Charlie Sheen

Charlie Sheen had a very exciting week this week, as Charlie Sheen is apt to do.  I realize that many people ache for this kind of wild adventure, and because I sympathize with those people, I decided to take the events of Charlie Sheen’s week and use them to create a guide for you guys so you can have adventures of your very own.

Step One:  Come out of your regular coke haze long enough to realize that your popular television show is on hiatus for the week. Start getting pumped for shenanigans.

Step Two:  Chill until Tuesday night so you can be well rested for your 36-hour binger.

Step Three:  When Tuesday night rolls around, invite over a few porn stars, women of ill repute, one or two of your buddies, and a dude with a briefcase full of cocaine.

Step Four:  Before you get too wasted, be sure to do something creative that makes you happy – for instance, you could have a nice dinner with your realtor, some porn stars, and Vanna White’s ex-husband and make a deal to rent the former Mr. White’s estate for a few months so you can create a “porn family” just down the street from you.

Step Five:  Spend the next day and a half with those ladies, that briefcase full of cocaine, your booze, that happy dream of a porn family, and no remorse.

Step Six:  By Thursday morning, around 7 AM, it’s likely that your body isn’t going to be able to handle the full extent of Step Five, so make sure you have one of your ladies call an ambulance for you so you can be rushed to the hospital with “severe abdominal pains” or something along those lines.

Step Seven:  Find out that you have a hiatal hernia, “a condition in which a portion of the stomach protrudes upward into the chest, through an opening in the diaphragm.”  Spend most of Thursday recuperating in the hospital before going home later that night.

Step Eight:  Refuse rehab and make plans to go right back to work the next week so you can have all this fun again in the near future!

January 28, 2011 at 11:30 am by Emily
Filed Under: Charlie Sheen

4Quotables: Charlie Sheen Thinks Everyone Needs to Settle Down

A photo of Charlie Sheen

“If a guy has one bad night, everybody goes insane and panics.”

- Charlie Sheen being all “whatever.”

In case you missed it, that “one bad night” Charlie’s referring to is that night that he wrecked a hotel room after getting wasted with a hooker.  He’s not talking about that night that he celebrated Christmas by pulling a knife on his wife or that night that he had to make an apology when a voicemail leaked in which he called his wife the c-word and the n-word or those nights that he accidentally shot Kelly Preston in the arm, nearly overdosed, or got arrested for beating up his girlfriend.  No, this is about the hotel room and the hooker, and that was just like one time.  Lighten up, everybody!  Charlie’s got this!

November 8, 2010 at 2:25 pm by Emily
Filed Under: Charlie Sheen

13Charlie Sheen is Getting Sued By a Hooker

Charlie Sheen Faces More Legal Trouble

The porn star that was with Charlie Sheen the night of his coked-out hotel-destroying rage is suing the actor for the emotional and physical damage she suffered.

Capri Anderson has a pretty good case. The details from TMZ:

Sources close to Anderson tell TMZ … she believes Charlie was acting so crazy in his hotel room at The Plaza Hotel on Tuesday morning — that she felt her life was in danger … and she also felt like she was being held in the room against her will.

As we previously reported, Charlie tore the room apart — busting a chair and causing damage to several hotel items. Capri ended up locking herself in the bathroom and calling hotel security.

Capri claims Charlie also threatened her in the hotel room, although she made no mention of this to NYC cops when they interviewed her about the incident.

FYI — law enforcement sources tell us officials have no plans to file charges against Charlie.

It probably wont help Charlie that so many people saw him messed up and harrassing Capri that night, whom he’d hired as an “escort”:

“He was delusional and just completely lost. Totally out of it,” a source told RadarOnline about Sheen — who hours later trashed his Plaza Hotel room Tuesday morning as Anderson, 22, cowered in a locked bathroom.

Sheen, 45, also slugged vodka and wine at the eatery Daniel, where his tab for pals and hired escorts included two bottles of Grand Vin de Chateau Latour 1959 — which sell for a whopping $5,900 each, TMZ.com reported.

“He convinced Capri to go to the bathroom with him,” the source said. “When they got into the bathroom, he started snorting cocaine and then took off his pants.”

“Charlie wanted to have sex with Capri and tried, but she stopped and demanded her $12,000,” the source said. “He didn’t have the money on him so she left him in the bathroom.”

“When the assistant opened the door, there was Charlie standing there naked with cocaine all over his face.”

I think most people’s instinct when reading this story is to say, “Are you telling me that a night of cocaine and raging was the most damaging thing a porn star has ever been exposed to,” but dude: Who cares? I am so glad that someone is planning to sue the crap out of Charlie Sheen. Take his money away, please. The worst thing to happen to Charlie is his return to television/making money/being famous. Let’s knock that cokehead down a few pegs.

October 30, 2010 at 11:26 am by Molls
Filed Under: Charlie Sheen