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Chad Ochocinco

1Chad Ochocinco Is Already Divorced, Is Handling It Really Well

A photo of Chad Ochocinco and Evelyn Lozada

We haven’t been following this whole Chad Ochocinco thing all that closely, but I do think it’s really hilarious/sad/interesting. To recap, Chad is a football player, he got married to a reality star, and then a month later he headbutted her in the head. She filed for divorce, and he responded by getting a huge tattoo of her face on his leg. But it looks like Chad has finally faced reality, and the two are already officially divorced.

But how is he handling it? I’ll just show you this quote he recently gave, and you can judge for yourself:

“I made a mistake, I’m human. My time had come. … I take full responsibility for everything, always. Where do I go from here, now that I think about it? I gotta work on Chad. Chad has to work on Chad. Chad has to go deep down inside and figure out where he went wrong. At what point did you lose focus on what’s most important, especially the game of football?”

I’m no expert, but I’m going to go ahead and wager that when you refer to yourself in the first person, the third person, AND the second person, all in the same thought, it’s time to really evaluate what you’re doing in your life. I’m just going to send that idea out there into the world.

September 20, 2012 at 2:30 pm by Emily
Filed Under: Chad Ochocinco

2Chad Ochocinco Got This Great New Tattoo

A photo of Chad Ochocinco and Evelyn Lozada

I’m just going to go ahead and tell you right now that I haven’t been following this Chad Ochocinco fellow all that closely. I’ve probably heard of him before, but the first time I ever really paid attention was when Sarah told us all about how he headbutted his wife right in the head and how she subsequently filed for divorce. I’ve read a couple of things since then, like how he got fired and how his mistresses have started coming forward, but for the most part, I’ve been ignoring this whole thing. Because football.

But when someone goes and gets a tattoo this ridiculous, it can’t be ignored. It just can’t. Here, check it out:

A photo of Chad Ochocinco

Oh, you can’t see it that clearly? Let me give you a closer shot:

A photo of Chad Ochocinco's tattoo

That would be a huge ass tattoo of his wife’s face covering up his whole entire calf. With her name under it, natch. Just in case you couldn’t make out the stupid decision on your own.

But here’s thing thing: according to Chad, it isn’t a stupid decision, not at all. I know that because I’ve been looking through some of his recent tweets, and someone asked the question that we’re all thinking, which is “why did you do this, dummy, she filed for divorce.” His response?

Divorce? Child please… that’s my WIFE

As a further demonstration of his inability to comprehend what “divorce” means, here’s what he said when someone told him that no, really, she filed for divorce:

I dont give a flying pretzel in skittle rainbow hell what she filed for…

Yep, this guy sounds totally stable and like he’s handling all this just so well.

September 5, 2012 at 12:30 pm by Emily
Filed Under: Chad Ochocinco

1So Remember How Chad Ochocinco Headbutted His Wife?

photo of chad ochocinco and evelyn lozada pictures
Well now, she wants a divorce. Whee!

It’s been confirmed that Evelyn Lozada, Chad Ochocinco‘s estranged (and now soon-to-be-ex) wife has filed for divorce, citing … well, I guess “headbutting” would be the official reason, but I’m sure it’s probably something way more demure like “irreconcilable differences” or something.

A day late and a dollar short, company PornHub sent me a message earlier this morning claiming that they sent an official letter to Chad and Evelyn in an effort to entice them into filming a “makeup” sex tape for $100k. And no, I kid you not. Here’s the actual letter send to Chad and Evelyn, courtesy of PornHub:

August 14, 2012
Dear Mr. Johnson,

I hope this letter finds you well. First off, we would like to applaud you on the name change – although it’s not the one we initially had in mind as you might well remember.

Allow me to get down to the real reason I am reaching out to you on behalf of our company, Pornhub.com (the premier destination for online adult entertainment). Your recent misfortunes have caught our eye, and while we regret to learn about the hard luck that’s come your way, we would once again like to lend you a helping hand in your time of need.

In short, we are extending an offer to you and your beautiful wife Evelyn to create a “makeup” sex video exclusively for use on our site. As proof of your participation in the video, we would simply need you to film an introductory scene in which you and your wife state your names and intents for the camera. Once again, we believe that this partnership would truly be beneficial for both parties.

In return for your willingness to cooperate, we will gladly compensate you to the tune of $100,000.
Again, we truly appreciate your consideration of our offer and look forward to the possibility of working together soon.

All the best,
Corey Price

$100k for a sex video. Please, LOL.

Evelyn filed for divorce in Florida, where the couple resided, and where Ochocinco used to play football. As you’re probably aware by now, even the Miami Dolphins have dumped his stupid, sorry ass. The couple was married for an entire six weeks. Does this fit the bill for an annulment? Huh? Cue Kim Kardashian in 3 … 2 … 1 …

August 14, 2012 at 3:30 pm by Sarah

5Chad Ochocinco Head-Butted His Wife … in The Head

photo of chad ochocinco and evelyn lozada pictures
From ESPN:

Miami Dolphins receiver Chad Johnson has been released from a Florida jail on $2,500 bond, a day after he had been charged with domestic violence after his wife accused him of head-butting her during an argument.

Jail officials say the 34-year-old Johnson was released Sunday afternoon.

Chad Johnson has put his football future with the Dolphins in jeopardy following Saturday night’s alleged domestic incident, James Walker writes. Blog

Johnson’s defense attorney, Adam Swickle, says Johnson posted the bond Sunday morning. Swickle says a no-contact order has been issued that prevents Johnson from contacting his wife, Evelyn Lozada.

And what, you wonder, would a husband headbutt a wife over? Well, condoms, naturally. And the fact that Chad’s wife, Evelyn Lozada, who is a star on Basketball Wives. Which is probably a stupid show, but I wouldn’t know, because I don’t watch it. Primarily because it sounds like it’s a stupid show. Anyway, Evelyn supposedly found a receipt for a box of condoms—details are still kind of sketchy—and wondered why oh why her faithful husband would need condoms in a monogamous marriage (I’m assuming they practice other forms of birth control if needed). Word on the street is that the two engaged in an argument, and Chad was said to headbutt Evelyn at the conclusion of the fight.

Sources are also saying that there’s no “alleged” to the incident, either, and that Evelyn’s going to press charges.

NFL.com says that there’s a whole lot of he-said, she-said BS happening, but ultimately, Evelyn’s pissed and she’s not backing down from it, either:

Lozada claims that Johnson became upset, grabbed her, and head-butted here. She says Johnson yelled:

“I don’t give a (expletive)! I don’t give a (expletive) about my career!”

Lozada then walked to a neighbor’s house and waited for them to come home before calling the police.

Johnson’s account is rather different. He claimed that Lozada head-butted him, which caused the three-inch laceration that was visible on her forehead. He also said that she yelled “(Expective) it!”

Beyond the “he said, she said” version of events, the most notable part of the report is that Lozada told the police she wanted to press charges. She signed an affidavit saying so.

Chad, if you aren’t already aware, is a receiver for the Miami Dolphins. And on a related note? These two were just married last month, OK? Last month.

August 12, 2012 at 11:00 am by Sarah

2Hey, Chad Ochocinco? I Will Totally Have Sex with You.

I think I speak for most women when I say that. Don’t even lie, ladies.

Did you guys catch the premiere of his dating show, The Ultimate Catch, last night? I swear, of all the reality TV dating shows I’ve watched over the course of my life (and there have been many, I’m sad to admit), I have always been kind of like “What are these girls fighting over? This dude sucks.” Like, Jake Pavelka? He’s a decent-looking guy, but about as exciting as that final World Cup game. (OMG U GUYS I MADE A SPORTS REFERENCE! Also: I only know that the game was boring because people were talking about it on Twitter. Actually: I know that the game was boring because the game was soccer.)

I did have a marginal crush on Andrew Firestone back in the day, when I was young and naive and stupid, and before one of my friends actually slept with him and told me he’s a total snoozefest.

But now: Chad Ochocinco! I’m in love. I’m totally smitten. He’s unbelievably fucking sexy, he’s smart, he’s crazy ambitious, he’s funny, he’s charming, he’s interesting, he doesn’t even drink, and he seems genuinely invested in treating other people with respect. Did I mention that he’s unbelievably fucking sexy?

Oh, Chad Ochocinco. I love everything I’ve seen of you so far, and I assume I’ll like the parts I haven’t seen even better. Can we go on a date soon please? Can we go on a date in your bedroom? You can pick me up at 7. Pick me up and do anything you want with me.

I love you.

July 12, 2010 at 8:30 am by Evil Beet
Filed Under: Chad Ochocinco