Let’s take a look at what celebs were wearing this week and dub a “winner” for BEST, WORST, and WTF.
On Saturday, Pamela Anderson hosted her 43rd birthday party at Tao in Las Vegas, where she was, as best I can tell, completely fucking blitzed and trying to initiate a makeout session with a cake shaped like a black man’s penis wearing a fifth-grader’s piano recital dress. (Seriously, what is that cake supposed to be?)
That same day, Carmen Electra, age 38, hosted a night at the Rio. I assume, based on her brief marriage to Dennis Rodman, it was Carmen who explained to the staff at Tao what it looks like when a black man’s penis is dressed in a fifth-grader’s piano recital dress.
Carmen had her beau Rob Patterson in tow (that’s Patterson, the former guitarist from Korn, although I would give my left arm for Carmen Electra to date Rob Pattinson. Which could, ya know, happen, because Pattinson’s announced plans to systematically fuck anything that walks.)
Hey, guys! How bad is this new single from Carmen Electra? Yep, Carmen Electra is a singer now — you didn’t know? This “song” is called “Who Do You Think You Are?” and it’s off her new album — yep, Carmen Electra has an album now — titled C-17.
I can best describe this song as the sound my brain makes right before I conclude that I need a Xanax. An overproduced cacophony of frenetic, spastic anxiety that would make a perfect soundtrack for the spontaneous choreographed dance numbers that have started cropping up on the new 90210. Take a listen.
Oh, God — where are those pills?
Listen, there have been no announcements, confirmations or baby talk of any kind from Carmen Electra’s camp but let’s face it: When Carmen Flipping Electra is wearing muumuus, and there’s a reason why those dresses make the same sound as a cow, she is sperminated. Or recovering from an aggressive lipo session but I still vote “baby.” After all, she did get engaged to her guitarist boyfriend (who isn’t relevant enough to get a mention on her Wikipedia page) last week. Why did I think they already got engaged eight months ago? I swear this already happened.
If this unfortunate dress coupled with the impending betrothal isn’t enough to convince you, how about TMZ video of Carmen refusing to wear a bikini in public? Come on…isn’t that the equivalent of her posing with a plus sign on a pee stick?
I’d like to be the first to offer my congratulations to Electra. Either congratulations on her upcoming bundle of joy or congratulations on her upcoming flat and perfectly sculpted tummy. Either way. Congrats.
Carmen Electra started out shakin her ass for Prince. After that, she got naked for Playboy, people started paying her to talk on shows like Singled Out and Baywatch, and now slowly but surely she’s sunk back to the original career low of shaking her ass for a man with a guitar.
Hopefully she will gather up her dignity and fade quietly into obscurity instead of pulling a Pamela Anderson and miming taking a dump on a runway in a glorified cocktail waitress uniform for a buck.