9Thom Yorke Asks, “Who The F-ck Is Bruno Mars?”

Thom Yorke of Radiohead and his new band Atoms for Peace, made me smile tonight/today. Yorke, AKA Kate Hudson’s first choice, asked the big question, the question everyone has been wanting to ask:

Who the f-ck is Bruno Mars?

Ah yes. Who the f-ck is Bruno Mars? And why the f-ck is Bruno Mars? And for how long?

Well let me tell you, Englishman. Bruno Mars is a damn poet. Were you the one who came up with the lyric, “You and me, baby, making love like gorillas”? No. No you were not. That was all Mars, baby.

In an interview with Rolling Stone Magazine, the subject of the Billboard Charts came up. Atoms for Peace’s album, Amok, debuted at #2 on the charts. And #1 was…? That’s right. Bruno Mars. Which prompted Thom Yorke to ask,

Who the f-ck is Bruno Mars?

I mean I could easily go on quoting this one stupid line over and over, so here’s slightly more info from KROQ:

“Who the f-ck is Bruno Mars?” Yorke said early in the Rolling Stone Q&A, going on to add, “Sorry. I’ll get slandered now,” when discussing how Atoms for Peace’s debut album, Amok, entered the Billboard 200 chart at Number Two behind Mars’ Unorthodox Jukeboxwhen they were released during the same week.

“Bruno Mars had a special on Amazon. That’s why,” offered Yorke’s Atoms for Peace bandmate Nigel Godrich, referring to Unorthodox Jukeboxbeing sold for only $1.99 during the first week of release.

“Amazon f-cks with us every time,” Yorke added. “They undercut us. So really, it was Number One.”

Oh snap. It wasn’t enough to ask the world, “Who the f-ck is Bruno Mars?” nay, not for our dear Mr. Yorke. He also had to assert his dominance by suggesting that really, Bruno Mars was not the true #1 best selling artist on the list. More delight. I’m not even a Radiohead fan.

F-ck you, Bruno Mars. I don’t even have a reason. I don’t need a reason. I just feel like it. I’m sure you understand, being such a poet.

April 24, 2013 at 5:30 am by Catherine St. Ives

2Bruno Mars Is a Poet Who Describes Sex As Only An Artist Could

Bruno Mars is a little fedora-wearing troll who also really likes cocaine. Or, you know, used to – before he was arrested for possession of 2.6 grams of it in Las Vegas back in 2010. He’s also an absolutely terrible lyricist who manages to put together some catchy melodies that make me hate myself when they get stuck in my head.

In a new interview with GQ, Bilbo opens up about his wonderful songwriting skills and penchant for describing sex and women’s bodies in the most awkward and least sexy way possible.

We begin with the recently omnipresent “Locked Out of Heaven,” which channels the spirit of early Police into something joyous, idiosyncratic, and utterly contemporary. It is also one of many songs on his new album that are about sex. “It feels good to sing about,” he begins. “It feels…sexy. It puts you in a sexy frame of mind. It feels good to pro-ject. Sex is a great party starter.”

A pop song about sex is nothing unusual. It is less common for a chart-topping single to be essentially one long hymn of praise and supplication to a vagina.

“Pretty awesome, right?” he says. “The verses to me are what really makes that song: Swimming in your water is something spiritual.”

If this still sounds vague in its allusions, when Mars was answering fans’ questions online last October, he clarified exactly which body of water he was referring to. “As in da pussay leche,” he tweeted.”I’m a writer, man!” he says when I mention this tweet. “What do you want me to do? It was just a moment. It felt like the right thing to do.”

In a fairly direct anatomical way, I say.

“You can’t use big words with me. What does anatomical mean?”

He is spelling out, I explain, that the song is about what’s between a woman’s legs.

“Sure,” he says. “In the most beautiful, passionate, sexy way ever.”

I mean, what? Does Bruno Mars seriously fancy himself as some lady loving’ Lothario who oozes sexuality? Please, find me a woman who’s had sex with Bruno Mars and enjoyed it. That’s a literal request – I need to see if that woman is firing on all cylinders, so to speak. Also, a grown ass man who doesn’t know what “anatomical” means. Rowr, ignorance is irresistible – let me at him!

Bruno went on to navel gaze about his other big hit, ‘Grenade’, and further insist upon his genius poet status even though, again, it’s a really stupid f-cking song.

Some people, I persist relentlessly, might find an extended metaphor that aligns religion and a vagina to be blasphemous.

Mars chooses to take this as something of an affront. “It’s like that saying: ‘If you think it’s racist, then you’re racist,’ ” he protests. “If you think it’s blasphemous, then obviously you don’t know that it’s poetry. You can pick apart all of my songs. A bullet through your brain, man? That’s not politically correct.” He is referring here to the lyrics—I would…take a bullet straight through my brain—from “Grenade,” the high point of his first album, in which he offers a gruesome list of harms he would be prepared to face on behalf of a lover who he now realizes would not reciprocate. “You’re not listening to it right if you’re picking it apart like that. You know? I can’t overthink everything I wrote or worry about that kind of stuff. Hopefully people should know. There’s no blasphemy. Or insult to any religion. It’s just f-cking poetry, whether you believe me or not.”

Another of Mars’s favorites on the new album, “Gorilla,” builds to a chorus in which Mars declares, You and me, baby, making love like gorillas. I bet I can find a few questions he’ll find exasperating on this topic.

“It was just painting a picture—some animalistic sex,” he says. “Instead of me singing ‘You and me having animalistic sex’—which is a terrible lyric.”

Newsflash to Bruno Mars: “you and me baby, making love like gorillas” is also a really terrible lyric. Even worse than “you and me having animalistic sex”, I’d say. Make him stop. Please, I beg you.

March 20, 2013 at 11:30 am by Jennifer

1This is the Video for Bruno Mars’ Breaking Dawn Song

Remember we talked about this? All this ‘It Will Rain’ business that I can’t even begin to wrap my head around because I’m still so distraught over Mars’ shoddy Amy Winehouse tribute? I mean, of course I know it’s not his fault that he, in no way, shape, or form, compares to Amy Winehouse, but damn. That’d be like me going out and pretending I could successfully ghost write for someone like William Faulkner or something. Come the f*ck on.

Anyway, this is the video, and it’s as broody and moody and provocative as you’d think it’d be, coming from the Breaking Dawn Part 1 soundtrack, and it’s not so bad, I suppose.

Speaking of which, Breaking Dawn hits theaters next Friday – are you prepared for the madness and mayhem?

November 10, 2011 at 10:30 am by Sarah

1Bruno Mars Debuts New Breaking Dawn Single, ‘It Will Rain’

Am I the only one not excited about this guy? He’s like a lame Michael Jackson tribute artist, and I’ve seen much better while under the influence of buckets of vodka at resorts in the Caribbean. As for this song being on the Breaking Dawn soundtrack, I understand that the film execs want the most cutting-edge, the trendiest of musical acts, but this Bruno Mars character is a flash in the pan, trust me. I mean, remember the Romeo + Juliet soundtrack that came out in 1996 (I’m dating myself, I know)? It had some KILLER tracks on it. Garbage, Butthole Surfers, Radiohead … solid stuff.

However, Bruno Mars is the Romeo + Juliet equivalent of Gavin Friday’s ‘Angel‘. In fifteen years, people are going to say, “Yup, I remember I liked that song for about a minute. … I was such a cheeseball.”

It’s like that, guys.

September 27, 2011 at 11:30 am by Sarah

9Love It Or Leave It: Bruno Mars is a Hat Wearin’ Fool

Bruno Mars modeled a variety of hats in the newest issue of GQ, and ladies, I gotta ask: Am I the only chick out there that dry heaves upon seeing a grown man in a hat? It’d be one thing if we were living in the 20s or if most of these hats were accompanied by zoot suits and they were going for that whole overall look, but a fedora thrown on with a flannel and some jeans? Spare me please.

I dunno, maybe some women dig this style… Are any of you out there? And you can you please remove any guys you find like this from my eye line and take them wherever you take dudes? Thank you.

March 21, 2011 at 3:30 pm by Molls

3Bruno Mars Covers ‘California Gurls’

One of my favorite things ev-AR are the acoustic covers that come out of Radio 1‘s Live Lounge. It’s kind of a tradition for artists to stop by there and sing a song or two of their own, as well as some sort of cover. Lady Gaga‘s done “Viva La Vida”, Lily Allen’s done “Naive”, and Paramore did “Use Somebody” once. It’s just kind of a great treat, and Bruno Mars doing his cover of “California Gurls” is no exception.

Gosh, I gotta say, between the fabulous video spoofs and now this, Katy Perry‘s version of the song may be my least favorite.

January 22, 2011 at 10:00 am by Molls