1Cleaning up the Weekend

Britney can’t figure out how to get her car to start and has to ask the paparazzi for help. [X17]

Mary-Kate Olsen’s body is now so malnourished it is unable to sustain the pigmentation in her hair. [Perez Hilton]

Matt Damon thinks the Bush twins ought to serve in Iraq. He and fellow four-star general Robert DeNiro were discussing the war for a segment of Hardball. [Glitterati]

Congratulations to Jillian Barberie! The Good Day LA host is expecting a baby. [Tabloid Whore]

Where has Jennifer Lopez been the past year? Well, aside from her inexplicable attendance at Tom Cruise’s wedding, she’s also been working on a Spanish-language album to be released early next year. Check out a sneak peak of the first single, “Que Hiciste.” [Just Jared]

Music producer J.R. Rotem, 31, fresh off his fling with Britney Spears, shows up at Koi holding hands with Hayden Panettiere, 17. [Dirty Laundry]

December 18, 2006 at 6:59 am by Evil Beet

17Late-Night Links (Back in Late Night)

Uh-oh. Looks like Nicole Richie’s going to jail for this latest DUI. And just when Joel Madden was getting laid for the first time in three years… [TMZ]

Britney’s new boyfriend can’t get into Hyde. Also, if you’d like to dress up as a douchebag next Halloween, you can pretty much just use the outfit he wore to The Ivy this week. Everyone will totally be like “Oh, I get it. You’re a douchebag.” [Celebitchy]

Katharine McPhee in OK magazine. I don’t know why I love her so much, but I do. [Pop on the Pop]

Jude Law plans to take his children to a South African orphanage for Christmas, to demonstrate that it is better to have a daddy who leaves your mother for a 22-year-old who he then cheats on with the nanny than it is to have no daddy at all. [Junkiness]

It is possible that Paris Hilton does cocaine. And by “possible” I of course mean “more of a sure thing than Tara Reid on St. Patrick’s Day.” [Celebrity Smack]

Finally! Someone moves away from character assassination and just plain attempts to assassinate Janice Dickinson. My money’s on a former Top Model contestant. [Hollyscoop]

December 14, 2006 at 6:51 am by Evil Beet

2Britney and Paris Aren’t Lovers

Good news.

Although:

In a recent photograph, Hilton looked very much like she was stroking Spears’ upper thigh.

Hilton’s rep dismissed a possible lesbian love affair with a curt:

“They are friends and you will continue to see them together. Paris thinks the world of her.”

Honestly, if they were caught making out the entire internet would shut down. So let’s pray this doesn’t blossom into something more serious than a little “thigh stroking.” We’ve all casually stroked the upper thighs of our friends. I’m doing it right now. Move along people.

December 13, 2006 at 7:57 pm by Evil Beet

2C’mon Jerks, Know Your "Partying Ethics"

It is on like Donkey Kong!

Paris Hilton has rushed to the defense of Britney Spears and fans of idiotic quotes the whole world round are rejoicing. Please folks, give her some room here.

“For people to call out her parenting skills on behalf of her partying ethics is appalling,” Hilton wrote (on her MySpace blog).

Yes, it is appalling to call out a mother of two for being out all night getting housed. How silly of us. And I’m sure one day her children will gleefully look back on when their momma abstained from the merest hint of modesty.

Also, just knowing she has a set of “partying ethics” makes me warm and fuzzy about the whole thing. Now if you’ll excuse me I have to go exercise my “Meth Morals.”

December 13, 2006 at 7:44 pm by Evil Beet

2Brit’s New Man

And we begin, per usual, with the time-tested opener for Britney-related pieces: Oops! She did it again! Britney Spears is hooking up with the help. The ‘razzi snapped pictures of her sucking face (while sucking a cigarette) with music producer Jonathan “J.R.” Rotem. Rotem is working with Spears on her new album, and also worked with … wait for it … Kevin Federline, on Playing with Fire. Federline had Rotem as one of his top MySpace friends until Monday, when he was removed from the list.

This seems to be a pattern for Britney. When she and Justin Timberlake split, one billion years ago, it was widely assumed (although never confirmed by either party), that it was because she cheated on him with Wade Robson, who choreographed both her tour and *NSYNC’s. So maybe Brit just has a thing for men who work for both her and her previous dudes. Because, um, I’ve seen pics of this Rotem kid, and I can’t imagine she has a thing for his face. But whatevs.

Anyway, Rotem wasted no time in hitting up Hyde, now that he’s famous and all. TMZ has video. Rock on, Britney.

December 12, 2006 at 5:34 pm by Evil Beet

3Britney Aint Trying To Hear It

“Every move I make at this point has been magnified more than I expected, and I probably did take my new found freedom a little too far.”

“I look forward to a new year, new music and a new me, I’m just getting started.”

December 7, 2006 at 8:45 pm by Evil Beet