Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Britney Spears

"Ecstasy, ecstasy, ecstasy!"

It’s a slow news day, and I just discovered this link to the Chaotic video footage where Britney talks about her sex life with Kevin Federline. Note that this is before they were married, and even before he was really her boyfriend. She’d just flown him out to Europe to bang her three times a day. And she is loving it.

I don’t know why I’m in such a nice mood lately, but I actually think the footage is kind of sweet. Brit had spent a long time being heartbroken over the loss of JT (I know, I know, she cheated on him, but we all make mistakes), and you can almost tell how relieved she is to have someone in her life who makes her happy again.

And when that love high wore off, she had a kid. And then another one. Just keep filling that hole, Brit.

No pun intended.

So Much to Tell You

MCSTEAMY IS BACK!

  • Jessica Coen is leaving Gawker for Vanity Fair, where she’ll be their “deputy online editor.” In my mind, the “deputy” part of this keeps conjuring up an image of a wide-eyed Coen staring up at Graydon Carter, who’s pinning a bronze star on her lapel and saying something along the lines of “Welcome aboard, pard’ner.”
  • Here’s a Paris Hilton nip slip.
  • Britney Spears either fired publicist Leslie Sloan Zelnick or she didn’t. As long as the kid’s still named Sutton Pierce, I don’t see what difference it makes.
  • Was Lindsay Lohan paid to go out with Harry Morton? Or did she go out with Harry Morton voluntarily and then get paid to act like she was paid for it? Or did she pay Harry Morton to act like he was paying her to act like she was paid to go out with her and then pay him to act like he was paying her to go out with him but didn’t want anyone to know that he was being paid for it? Or did she marry her lawyer wearing a pink bikini on a yacht off the coast of Nassau just 18 days after the sudden death of her only son? It’s very difficult to keep all this straight.
  • Did you guys see McSteamy last night?? HE WAS LITERALLY STEAMY!!! Oh, McSteamy, be mine forever?

Lunch-Break Quickies: Are Paris & Nicole BFF Again?

  • Hey boys! Just when you thought masturbating to thoughts of Miss Cleo couldn’t get any better — turns out she’s a lezzie!
  • Aaron Carter breaks off his week-long engagement to Kari Ann Peniche, because he’s now met the requisite media usage quota of “House of Carters” as detailed in his contract with E!, and because, you know, she used to fuck his brother.
  • KFed’s not even going to include “PoPoZao” on his debut album, Playing with Fire; it’s being replaced by a duet between him and his wife, Britney Spears. So, by its late October release date, we should all be ready to welcome Britney Spears’ Playing with Fire, featuring Kevin Federline.
  • Are Paris & Nicole combining their evil powers once again?
  • How many people does it take to wax Scarlett Johansson’s vag? A whole “waxing crew,” apparently. [via Junkiness]
  • Triumph the Insult Comic Dog bangs fellow puppet Ernie of Sesame Street. The folks at Childrens’ Workshop are all like “even our audience knows that stupid dog is played out.”
  • Jackass Number Two makes number one at the box office. This, folks, is why the terrorists hate us.

Lunch Break Quickies: Lindsay Lohan Wants You to Know About Rehab

  • Katie Holmes may play the role of Victoria Beckham in an upcoming biopic about Posh’s hubby, U.K. soccer star David Beckham.
  • A publicity-starved Steve-O urinates on the red carpet at the premiere of Jackass 2. Fair warning: if you click that link, you are going to see his penis.
  • Steve-O’s penis is lovely treat, but I know what you all really crave is a peek at Rosie O’Donnell’s tits. Well, then, you should watch Nip/Tuck on October 3. Or, you know, avoid Nip/Tuck at all costs for the entire month of October, just in case.
  • Britney’s “manny” leaves her for Jude Law. Maybe he’s planning to reunite with Sienna Miller for the fifty-eighth time. She was not such a big fan of the old nanny.
  • Keith Richards showed up to film his part as Johnny Depp’s father in the third installment of the other national mint, Pirates of the Caribbean, and the Rolling Stones rocker was almost too drunk to get through the scene. Where is Courtney Love when you need her?
  • If you own an energy drink called Rehab, and you would like people to take pictures of your product and write about it on the Internet, you do whatever it takes to get that can into the sweaty, shaky hands of Lindsay Lohan. But how to do that? It just seems to good to be true. It took me awhile to find much information on the product, since any google search for “lohan rehab” or “rehab beverages” provides a million hits I can’t use, but I finally tracked down their website. They’re a Las Vegas company, and it looks like they’re partnered with Pink Taco, a chain of Mexican restaurants owned by Harry Morton, Lohan’s boyfriend. Mystery solved.

Britney Spears’ Baby Name Revealed!

It’s official: on September 12 of this year, Britney Spears birthed a 72-year-old British man.

Although we have not yet seen photos of the crotchety old wanker, his age and obvious pedigree can be inferred from the name the Federlines are rumored to have selected: Sutton Pierce.

S. Pierce (read: “Spears”) will share his initials and future therapy sessions with his brother, Sean Preston, born September 14 of last year. Britney gave birth to little Sutty via Cesarian section at Cedars-Sinai in LA on Tuesday.

Picking up the Pieces: Tyra Banks May Actually Be Kind of a Bitch Edition