Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Britney Spears

All Together Now

In today’s episode of the Anna Nicole is Functionally Retarded Show, we learn that Anna previously tried to convince a wealthy paramour, G. Ben Thompson, that he was the father of her newborn girl. The only hitch in the plan? Thompson had a vasectomy years earlier. Has anybody explained to this woman that there are magical science machines that can determine definitively who a child’s father is? [Fametastic]

Isaiah Washington was supposed to appear on Ellen Wednesday to clear up the allegations that he’s a violent, homophobic jackass, but he canceled at the last minute, citing a change in production schedule. Grey’s less controversial star Katherine Heigl was sent in to diffuse the situation instead. [Seriously? OMG! WTF?]

Not to be outdone by TMZ’s scoop on his birth certificate, X17′s crew hid in the bushes outside the Spears-Federline household for an unspecified amount of time, and now they have video of Jayden James Federline. [CelebSlam]

Entourage creator Doug Ellin has a similarly styled show about Wall Street types in the works. Because i-bankers really are like the movie stars of the east coast, just a little more self-centered and detached from reality. [BankersBall]

Not only has Lindsay Lohan heard of Dick Van Dyke, she also doesn’t think he did a very good job with that whole Mary Poppins project. [Hollywood Gossip Whores]

Pay attention, because I will probably never write these words again, but Paris Hilton actually looks really good in French Vogue. [Teddy and Moo]

Lest you think I have any shame, here are pictures of Jake Gyllenhaal’s man loaf. Don’t worry, he’s wearing pants. He just should have also worn underwear. [A Socialite's Life]

Ever want to know more about the music you hear on television and movies? Drake Lelane’s blog covers the soundtrack of your life (because, if you’re like me, television and movies are your life). Check out what you heard on last week’s Grey’s Anatomy. [thus spake drake]

Did Britney Birth a Girl?

When Britney Spears gave birth to her latest Federspawn on September 12, we reported that the lucky new Band-Aid for Britney’s gaping emotional wounds was a boy named Sutton Pierce Federline. This week, sources are reporting that the baby is neither a boy nor another SPF, but rather a little girl named Jayden James.

A pal of KFed’s mom says that “Grandma Federline calls the child Jayden.” Now, in fairness, this woman represents one-half of Kevin Federline’s genetics, so I haven’t entirely ruled out the possibility that she forgets her grandchild’s name with some regularity. But she’s not the only one confused.

The photogs at X17 say that, a week after the child’s birth, they spotted Britney’s bodyguard shopping at a kids’ clothing store in Malibu, and buying only pink baby items. Was Brit’s security planning a practical joke for Kevin? Probably not — he wasn’t laughing. X17 explains that they don’t have footage of the event because “Britney’s bodyguard came at our guys, threatening to call the Malibu Police…if they didn’t give him the video tape immediately.”

Jayden is a name of English origin meaning “God has heard,” which seems more like an ominous warning to Kevin regarding his forthcoming album than a proper name for a Spears-Federline bloodline merging, but our best wishes stay with the Federlines and their newborn.

"Ecstasy, ecstasy, ecstasy!"

It’s a slow news day, and I just discovered this link to the Chaotic video footage where Britney talks about her sex life with Kevin Federline. Note that this is before they were married, and even before he was really her boyfriend. She’d just flown him out to Europe to bang her three times a day. And she is loving it.

I don’t know why I’m in such a nice mood lately, but I actually think the footage is kind of sweet. Brit had spent a long time being heartbroken over the loss of JT (I know, I know, she cheated on him, but we all make mistakes), and you can almost tell how relieved she is to have someone in her life who makes her happy again.

And when that love high wore off, she had a kid. And then another one. Just keep filling that hole, Brit.

No pun intended.

So Much to Tell You


  • Jessica Coen is leaving Gawker for Vanity Fair, where she’ll be their “deputy online editor.” In my mind, the “deputy” part of this keeps conjuring up an image of a wide-eyed Coen staring up at Graydon Carter, who’s pinning a bronze star on her lapel and saying something along the lines of “Welcome aboard, pard’ner.”
  • Here’s a Paris Hilton nip slip.
  • Britney Spears either fired publicist Leslie Sloan Zelnick or she didn’t. As long as the kid’s still named Sutton Pierce, I don’t see what difference it makes.
  • Was Lindsay Lohan paid to go out with Harry Morton? Or did she go out with Harry Morton voluntarily and then get paid to act like she was paid for it? Or did she pay Harry Morton to act like he was paying her to act like she was paid to go out with her and then pay him to act like he was paying her to go out with him but didn’t want anyone to know that he was being paid for it? Or did she marry her lawyer wearing a pink bikini on a yacht off the coast of Nassau just 18 days after the sudden death of her only son? It’s very difficult to keep all this straight.
  • Did you guys see McSteamy last night?? HE WAS LITERALLY STEAMY!!! Oh, McSteamy, be mine forever?

Lunch-Break Quickies: Are Paris & Nicole BFF Again?

  • Hey boys! Just when you thought masturbating to thoughts of Miss Cleo couldn’t get any better — turns out she’s a lezzie!
  • Aaron Carter breaks off his week-long engagement to Kari Ann Peniche, because he’s now met the requisite media usage quota of “House of Carters” as detailed in his contract with E!, and because, you know, she used to fuck his brother.
  • KFed’s not even going to include “PoPoZao” on his debut album, Playing with Fire; it’s being replaced by a duet between him and his wife, Britney Spears. So, by its late October release date, we should all be ready to welcome Britney Spears’ Playing with Fire, featuring Kevin Federline.
  • Are Paris & Nicole combining their evil powers once again?
  • How many people does it take to wax Scarlett Johansson’s vag? A whole “waxing crew,” apparently. [via Junkiness]
  • Triumph the Insult Comic Dog bangs fellow puppet Ernie of Sesame Street. The folks at Childrens’ Workshop are all like “even our audience knows that stupid dog is played out.”
  • Jackass Number Two makes number one at the box office. This, folks, is why the terrorists hate us.