In today’s episode of the Anna Nicole is Functionally Retarded Show, we learn that Anna previously tried to convince a wealthy paramour, G. Ben Thompson, that he was the father of her newborn girl. The only hitch in the plan? Thompson had a vasectomy years earlier. Has anybody explained to this woman that there are magical science machines that can determine definitively who a child’s father is? [Fametastic]

Isaiah Washington was supposed to appear on Ellen Wednesday to clear up the allegations that he’s a violent, homophobic jackass, but he canceled at the last minute, citing a change in production schedule. Grey’s less controversial star Katherine Heigl was sent in to diffuse the situation instead. [Seriously? OMG! WTF?]

Not to be outdone by TMZ’s scoop on his birth certificate, X17′s crew hid in the bushes outside the Spears-Federline household for an unspecified amount of time, and now they have video of Jayden James Federline. [CelebSlam]

Entourage creator Doug Ellin has a similarly styled show about Wall Street types in the works. Because i-bankers really are like the movie stars of the east coast, just a little more self-centered and detached from reality. [BankersBall]

Not only has Lindsay Lohan heard of Dick Van Dyke, she also doesn’t think he did a very good job with that whole Mary Poppins project. [Hollywood Gossip Whores]

Pay attention, because I will probably never write these words again, but Paris Hilton actually looks really good in French Vogue. [Teddy and Moo]

Lest you think I have any shame, here are pictures of Jake Gyllenhaal’s man loaf. Don’t worry, he’s wearing pants. He just should have also worn underwear. [A Socialite's Life]

Ever want to know more about the music you hear on television and movies? Drake Lelane’s blog covers the soundtrack of your life (because, if you’re like me, television and movies are your life). Check out what you heard on last week’s Grey’s Anatomy. [thus spake drake]

Britney baby mystery solved! TMZ got ahold of the kid’s birth certificate, which indicates that Britney birthed a male named Jayden James Federline.

My favorite part of all this? Kevin’s middle name is Earl. And, when asked to sign the document, he printed his name. Oh, well. At least he spelled it right. Small favors, right?

When Britney Spears gave birth to her latest Federspawn on September 12, we reported that the lucky new Band-Aid for Britney’s gaping emotional wounds was a boy named Sutton Pierce Federline. This week, sources are reporting that the baby is neither a boy nor another SPF, but rather a little girl named Jayden James.

A pal of KFed’s mom says that “Grandma Federline calls the child Jayden.” Now, in fairness, this woman represents one-half of Kevin Federline’s genetics, so I haven’t entirely ruled out the possibility that she forgets her grandchild’s name with some regularity. But she’s not the only one confused.

The photogs at X17 say that, a week after the child’s birth, they spotted Britney’s bodyguard shopping at a kids’ clothing store in Malibu, and buying only pink baby items. Was Brit’s security planning a practical joke for Kevin? Probably not — he wasn’t laughing. X17 explains that they don’t have footage of the event because “Britney’s bodyguard came at our guys, threatening to call the Malibu Police…if they didn’t give him the video tape immediately.”

Jayden is a name of English origin meaning “God has heard,” which seems more like an ominous warning to Kevin regarding his forthcoming album than a proper name for a Spears-Federline bloodline merging, but our best wishes stay with the Federlines and their newborn.

• Is Ivanka Trump dating Lance Armstong? Probably not, but there’s video of her refusing to answer questions about him, which is kind of like dating, right?
• Were you totally psyched for the remake of Revenge of the Nerds? Don’t be. They cast Kristin Cavallari in it. Bitch ruins everything.
• Britney Spears wants Annie Leibovitz to handle the publicity photos of her latest emotional crutch, Sutton Pierce.
• People who can’t get into Hyde this week: Brandon Davis, Chyna, you.
• ScoJo totally had a nose job.
• It’s official. The Tori Spelling demon spawn is en route. Quick! To the storm shelters!
• Shocker of shockers! Mel Gibson’s post-arrest anti-Semitic comments were not an isolated incident.
• 90210‘s Jennie Garth pops out another adorable kid.

• Jessica Coen is leaving Gawker for Vanity Fair, where she’ll be their “deputy online editor.” In my mind, the “deputy” part of this keeps conjuring up an image of a wide-eyed Coen staring up at Graydon Carter, who’s pinning a bronze star on her lapel and saying something along the lines of “Welcome aboard, pard’ner.”
• Here’s a Paris Hilton nip slip.
• Britney Spears either fired publicist Leslie Sloan Zelnick or she didn’t. As long as the kid’s still named Sutton Pierce, I don’t see what difference it makes.
• Was Lindsay Lohan paid to go out with Harry Morton? Or did she go out with Harry Morton voluntarily and then get paid to act like she was paid for it? Or did she pay Harry Morton to act like he was paying her to act like she was paid to go out with her and then pay him to act like he was paying her to go out with him but didn’t want anyone to know that he was being paid for it? Or did she marry her lawyer wearing a pink bikini on a yacht off the coast of Nassau just 18 days after the sudden death of her only son? It’s very difficult to keep all this straight.
• Did you guys see McSteamy last night?? HE WAS LITERALLY STEAMY!!! Oh, McSteamy, be mine forever?