Megan Fox and Brian Austin Green are two pretty good looking specimens, so it’s no surprise that their 4-month-old son Noah is one infant-sized package of adorable. “Accidentally” standing in front of a balcony window with baby in full view, BAG showed off the little one during a recent trip to Brazil.

Aw, how adorable. Look at his little pout – the baby’s and BAG’s, that is. I know I bitch a lot about the media’s obsession with motherhood and all that, but no one can deny that babies are squishy, cute and good for a cuddle… so long as you can give them back when you’re done, that is.

Today is a magical day. Or, well, yesterday was a magical day, but Sarah and I were busy celebrating America’s birthday, so we’re just getting to the magic today. See, yesterday CDAN revealed tons and tons of blind items. Let’s stop with the preamble and get right to those, all right?

This A list celebrity and former singer who seems to always wear sunglasses was out over the weekend when she stopped to watch a woman on the street singing for money. The celebrity said, “You are better than I ever was. Honestly, so is everyone.” She then actually laughed and dropped $500 into the bucket.

Who could that be? Any guesses? You don’t have to guess, because we already know it was Victoria Beckham! See how fun this is? It’s only just beginning!

What A list pop singer called up the boyfriend she had dumped two weeks earlier and begged him to go out with her. She ended up getting drunk and doing way more on their date than she intended, but knew she needed to take all precautions to avoid ending up naked in bed with her ex which is what he had proposed when he called two days before.

That’s our dear Katy Perry!

Talk about not having a say in the naming of your child. This actress who is C list based on talent and A list based on name recognition has been told by her husband what they are naming the baby and he has already trademarked the baby’s name even though she is not even halfway through her pregnancy. Apparently the husband has already even drawn up business plans and wants the actress to focus more on marketing products he thinks will be a fit between her and the baby. Does she have a say in this? Not really.

That one is apparently poor Megan Fox getting bossed around by ol’ Brian Austin Green.

Today I wanted to tell you the history of this A list movie actress. She would never do television. Wait. She would never do scripted television. Anyway, our actress has had lots of high profile boyfriends and every one of them has said they have never felt as free as the day they were finally free of the actress. One actor said it was quite possibly the happiest day of his life and he had to act sad at some premiere and all he wanted to do was shout and scream. Our actress is a clinger. A big clinger. As in if she decides to date you then you are going to be with her until you do something so egregious that she has not choice but to leave you. You can’t break up with her. It does not work that way. One boyfriend tried to break up and then went and shot some movie on the other side of the world. Third day there, the actress showed up at his hotel room door with a suitcase saying she was there for a visit. One actor wanted to break up with the actress so much that he cheated on her. She got upset but the actress was not going to leave. He then got the idea of getting caught while cheating. She broke up with him after that but would still call him everyday and talk to him. That one was before caller i.d.

One actor who lived with the actress said that he never asked her to move in but that she just kept bringing stuff over and he never noticed and then one day he realized she was there all the time. It took him years to get away from her. Even in her current long term relationship, her significant other knows he can do anything he wants and that she is never going to leave him. He has done a lot and even been caught, but she just will not go anywhere. They can go weeks without seeing each other but she calls. All the time. All day. Texts all day too. Hundreds of times a day. Her significant other hired an assistant just to respond to the texts. Apparently his life is so much easier since he thought of it. One week of telling the assistant what to say in the texts and now one year later, the actress is none the wiser. Of course the assistant has got to see plenty of naked photos of the actress. She is big photo sender. She is also a big hypochondriac. She wonders aloud about everything she eats and how it will affect her and would like your opinion too. She has very few friends because they are subject to the same type of clingy. Not very many people can deal with that kind of constant barrage of attention and neediness.

And that one, friends, is the lovely Gwyneth Paltrow.

See how much fun that was?  Isn’t it great to hear how Victoria Beckham feels about her Spice Girls days, and how much of an absolute crazy Gwyneth Paltrow is?  Don’t you just feel better about everything now?  Then go check out the rest of them!

Something is rotten in the state of Denmark.

What is going on with Brian Austin Green? This whole story about Mr. Megan Fox is extremely fishy. Here goes:

Back in 2000, Brain Austin Green and Vanessa Marcil started dating. I mean they had been on 90210 together and one thing led to another and they started dating. While they were dating, Brian says that Vanessa asked to borrow some money.

So, on four separate occasions he lent her $50,000 for a total of $200K. Then she got pregnant with their child. Brian says that the deal was whenever he needed the money he would notify her and she would pay him back.

Well, 11 years later and he wants his money back. I guess 2011 was a bad year for BAG because he says he asked Vanessa for the money in November and she said no. She claims it is a gift.

Waiting 11 years seems like a really long time to collect on a debt and I don’t think he is going to be able to do anything about it. BAG must be really desperate for cash to go after the mother of his child. He has not needed it for a decade, but suddenly now he needs it?

First of all, I barely knew Brian Austin Green had a son (named Kassius, since you were wondering).

I did remember that he had dated Tiffani-Amber Thiessen—thanks for that info, Sassy Magazine!—but I did not know about his relationship with Vanessa Marcil, who is now 43. For whatever it’s worth, the soap actress is married and attempting to have a child with her husband: I’m not too sure now is the moment to try to wring her of $200K.

I did know that Brian Austin Green briefly pursued a career in music. I did not know he released an album, “One Stop Carnival,” as a rapper.

My take? Brian Austin Green is weird. This whole rumor is weird. Is it some sort of “spousal support” thing?

I don’t exactly have my nose in Megan Fox’s finances, but I’m pretty sure she has the moolah to help her husband out. I wonder why he suddenly feels entitled to two hundred grand from a former flame.

…because I’d really love to know. There has to be some good reason that this grown woman in bedazzled Uggs is hanging off her elderly husband, ass popped out in the air like she’s getting paid for it.

These two classy folks were snapped yesterday on their way to get some lunch. The rest of the pics are just as good.

“[Marriage is] the one thing that I was really specific in waiting for until I was with somebody that I knew that I would be right with and she’s the one … She [Megan] makes me happy and a better person. She’s everything. There’s nice stability that comes with getting married. It’s a nice thing to know that I’ll come home to her and she’ll come home to me. It’s not the paper so much – it’s saying the vows and meaning it.”

Well, well, well. Brian Austin Green, Megan Fox’s husband, did an interview along with his wife for People magazine. Can you fucking believe it? I thought along with the those balls of his that she she locked up his larynx and vocal chords, too.

Good for you, Brian!

“When I talk about my husband [Brian Austin Green], I feel as if people roll their eyes. It’s like when you’re 16 and order a martini, and the waiter says, ‘Do you think I’m stupid?’ They can’t grasp that I’m old enough to be married.”

Megan Fox, quite possibly one of my favorite celebrities of all time, talking about how people don’t take her seriously. Heh. Got you on that one, didn’t I? But the joke’s really on Megan. We don’t roll our eyes at your marriage, Meg. We roll our eyes whenever you open your mouth. That’s all.

Assuming that rock is real and Megan didn’t buy it for herself, it says a lot about BAG’s ability to scrimp and save. With that guy working as little as he does, you know he used some of his David Silver money to pay for that diamond.

I’ll let you draw conclusions as to who’s who in this scenario, since you all probably have some pretty hardcore opinions on the vanity of both Megan Fox and now-husband, Brian Austin Green. But yeah. Megan Fox and long-term boyfriend, Brian Austin Green — or “Bag,” as he’s known in my circle of friends — were married “late last week,” according to sources.

The couple tied the knot on Hawaii’s Big Island, where there was said to be only six other people in attendance, which is mildly unsurprising since Fox is a self-proclaimed anthropophobic, and Bag probably hasn’t had any real live friends since Beverly Hills 90210.

Meg and Brian moved pretty stealthily on this one, too: the two were only confirmed to be engaged like, what, a week ago or something?

It’s a shame we didn’t know about this sooner. I’d have liked to have seen photos of the, ah, virginal Fox wearing a white sheath, and Bag’s ankles handcuffed to Fox’s, since that’s probably the only way he could keep her in one place for a minute. The dude probably still can’t believe his “luck.”

I wonder if Foxy dropped (and lost!) her wedding band in the sand, too. Bad omens are upon us, guys. Bad, bad omens indeed.

Aah … Publicity stunts love is in the air. Megan Fox and Brian Austin Green! Totally, um, surprising.

The couple, who’ve been together since 2004 (off-and-on), have decided to re-engage themselves in what’s probably just a publicity push for Fox’s newest, box-office poison Jonah Hex.

Green was said to have re-proposed to Fox on a beach in Hawaii earlier this week, and it definitely fits the persona that Fox pegs herself to be accustomed to — someone begging and pleading for her to accommodate their wishes.

Onlookers claimed to watch the proposal go down, complete with a jumping up-and-down Megan Fox (for that mental image, you’re welcome) and Fox subsequently dropping the two-carat ring somewhere into the sand.

And yes, if you’re wondering, the ring is still missing. No word if Green has to re-mortgage his house to buy a third engagement ring for his lady-in-waiting, but hey. Give the guy some credit. He is porking Megan Fox with the salami sword … can’t do much better than that, right?

So I guess Megan Fox’s hotness has been photoshopped away in this photo. Which, clearly isn’t possible, since the photos don’t looked touched a bit, so that brings me to wonder if all of her other glam shots and pin-up photos have been. And I’m thinking, “yes.” While she’s still got a bangin’ face, her body’s just … not so hot. She’s, you know, cute-bodied and all, but nothing to write home about, frankly. I live at the beach; I see bodies like hers come and go on the daily and don’t bat an eye. Nothing phenom there, for real.

Megan and her henchman, Brian Austin Green, were photographed this past weekend observing Memorial Day in Maui.

I was a huge, huge fan of the original Beverly Hills 90210 back in the day and I will freely admit that Brian Austin Green was totally my nineties crush. I had posters of him up on the walls and watched the show religiously. While my other friends mooned over Brandon and Dylan and Steve, I was the odd-man out. I’ve always been the odd-man out; Isaac Hanson was my favorite Hanson and Adrien Brody is my “hottest male celebrity” ever. So, again, not surprising that I’d go for Green rather than Fox on this one. Cop-out.

So. Your sexual orientation aside, which bad thespian would you bang — the one with the nice face and not-so-amazing body or the one with the nice body and the not-so-amazing face? You can draw your own conclusions as to who’s who on that one.

This might be the best FOD skit I’ve seen yet — with the exception of Lindsay Lohan’s self-deprecating debut, naturally.

Megan Fox and Brian Austin Green starred in Funny Or Die’s latest installment, speaking out against the massive education budget cuts occurring in California.  The best part of the video?  Probably Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger’s “delegate.”  Dude’s funny. Either that, or the little girl who so-openly discusses her head lice.  Totally classic.

Enjoy!

It seemed like Family Weekend here in LA with celebrities ditching the nannies for a couple of days and actually like, hanging out with their kids. Even over in Cambridge, MA, Tom and Suri were playing in a lake together (which looks so photo-oppy, sadly.) The pumpkin patch seemed like the place to be with appearances by Heidi Klum and Hendy, Larry Birkhead and mini Anna Nicole and Christina Aguilera and Max. Also notable is Nicole Richie and a scrumptious looking Harlow (I wanted to eat the buns off her head) and Brian Austin Green taking his son Kassius bowling. As if having Brian Austin Green for a dad wasn’t hard enough, the poor kid has to be named something more suitable for a gay porn star, too.