“I can say this about Charlie right now. Charlie has been nothing but a great friend to me, nothing but a great friend. I showed him how to destroy a hotel room, and he showed me how to edit and work on film. It was great.”

- Beautiful Bret Michaels bragging on his bro, Charlie Sheen.

Was it really that “great,” Bret?  Because if you taught him how to destroy a hotel room, then all you did was teach him how to kick off his biggest downward spiral yet.  I thought you were better than that, Bret, but I guess you were right all along – every rose does have its thorns.  Lesson learned.

After reading this story and relating it to you guys, I’m going to head to the kitchen to soak my eyes in a nice, tall, acidic glass of orange juice, and throw a giant dollop of vodka in there for good measure. Then I’m going to swish the eyes around in the glass (carefully, mind you; hard to do this shit with, you know, no eyes), suck the entire thing back – eyes and all – and let the whole mess digest in my stomach. Because the eyes? They’re so much better off down there, closer to my own bowels, than of the bowels of this story, which are sure to get blacker and stinkier before things get better.

Apparently Billy Ray Cyrus was the one who filed for divorce against his wife of a few decades, Tish Finley-Cyrus, because she couldn’t keep it in her pants, and had a long-standing affair with Bret Michaels, who Miley Cyrus has an odd musical affinity for. Or maybe … aw, fuck no, I’m not going down that road. But I will say, who knows – maybe these crazy sumbitches really do keep it all in the family. So, yeah. Gross. From Us Weekly:

Michaels, 47, “became close to the entire family” this past February when he and Miley released the racy duet “Nothing to Lose,” an insider tells Us Weekly.

He and Tish, 43, soon began carrying on an on-the-sly romance, sources tell Us Weekly. Tish was seen at Michaels’ Feb. 28 show at the Key Club in L.A., and he had once asked her production company’s help to adapt his book, Roses & Thorns, into a movie.

“Billy Ray was completely unaware of what was going on,” the source says of the “Achy Breaky Heart” crooner, who is seeking joint custody of their three minor children, Miley (who turns 18 Nov. 23), Braison, 16, and Noah, 10. (They have three older children from previous relationships.)

Though a rep for Michaels refutes the allegations, telling Us Weekly, “There has never been an affair or a fling,” and a rep for Tish also denies the dalliance, the Cyrus source insists, “It was a professional relationship that turned into something more.”

So there you have it guys. They’re clearly sleeping together. Like, as we speak. While listening to “Achy, Breaky Heart.” On a zebra-print rug in front of Bret’s heart-shaped, rose-adorned bed.

… Git your glasses ready, Shep … I’m on my way out the kitch’n and I’ma headin’ for that big ol’ bottle!

Here’s what happened.  Bret has two buses, and they got pulled over in Indiana last night because they didn’t have any trailer tag lights.  Bret Michaels let the officers do an open search of the buses, and drug dogs found weed on both buses.  They also found “a quantity of Schedule II controlled substances” on the bus that Bret wasn’t on.  Nobody was arrested, but charges were sent to the prosecutor’s office, so we’ll see how everything turns out.

When I first saw the “Bret Michaels!  Busted!  Drugs!” headlines, I was pretty bummed, I’m not gonna lie.  I had this horrible image of cops rushing on to the bus to find Bret Michaels cowered naked in the tiny bathroom with a lighter and a spoon.  But if he just had weed, then that’s fine.  People can say all they want about how it’s still an illegal substance and you have to respect the law and it can destroy your life, but really?  The dude has a hole in his heart, just let him get high on his bus if he wants to.

So Bret Michaels did an interview with Parade, and I feel weird about it because I don’t understand how I teared up at a Bret Michaels interview.  I guess my idea of Bret Michaels is forever tied to the Poison posters my sister used to have in her room, but he’s gone and turned into an eloquent, inspirational musician.  Well, there was “Something to Believe In,” but let’s just focus on the here and now.

On his health and how it’s affected him:

“I’m feeling pretty good. Each day I feel a little bit better. As the chemical meningitis from the bleed starts to dissipate, it gets a little bit better. The bottom line is, I got really sick and it all had a domino effect for me, from the appendicitis to the brain hemorrhage. And then I had a warning stroke, and now they found out I got a hole in my heart, which I’m going to go get an operation for that in the late fall, early winter. But I just said to myself, you know what? Whatever it is, I live my life passionately. And music is a powerful healer for me. I’ve learned a lot of it is mind over matter. Once I knew that I had a chance to survive the brain hemorrhage, I was taking life and grabbing it for everything I could.”

On the importance of balancing his family and his career:

“I absolutely love my family. I’m a very hands-on father. I’m close with my kids and we have fun together. Kristi and I love and respect each other. But in the same sentence, I also love what I do. I love being on the road and I’m passionate and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. The trouble is finding the balance of making both work.”

And then there was the closing quote of the article that sealed the tears:

“I hope that my legacy is this: I’m a fighter, a survivor and I rocked the world. That would be it.”

Bret’s solo album comes out July 6th, so I guess I’ll just go ahead and pencil in “music-listening and uncontrollable weeping” on that day. And I’m ok with that.

The girl’s growing on me. Honest. But I’m still going to rip the performance. I was far, far more stoked to see Michaels perform (again!) than I ever could be for a Miley performance. Not to mention, and yeah, I know it’s a live show, but she was wicked flat throughout a lot of the song. But yet, this song made the final cut to her latest album, Can’t Be Tamed. Who knows.

Miley also interviewed this morning on GMA, and discussed various topics including her coming-of-age-ness and her fans:

“You have to be who you are to the full. There’s nothing that I’m holding back. And that’s what I want to give to my girl fans. Just be who you are … It’s always going to be hard because there’s so much stuff you’ve got to get through before you an get to the stuff that’s real. There’s all the people that are like, ‘Yes! It’s gonna be great! You’re the biggest thing ever!’ when really, I just want the truth.”

Cyrus also discusses her latest upskirt scandal, and includes her thoughts on Perez Hilton:

“There are people that are negative just to be that way. You’ve got to push through all that and just be like ‘This is my life.’ ”

Good words, Miley. Not a terrible interview. But just “damn” on today’s singing. You’re pretty talented, but this was definitely one of those off-days.

After all his health issues, Bret Michaels is not hiding the fact that he’s going to do as he damn well pleases.  He had his performance on American Idol, and last night, he had his very first concert since the whole mess started.

His doctor advised him against it, but who can chain down such a beast as Bret Michaels?  He performed as planned, with some medical personnel around and the air conditioner on high.  According to fans, the concert was phenomenal.  But according to his doctor, he shouldn’t have been doing a concert in the first place, so maybe he just shouldn’t have done it at all.

Bret Michaels is just freaking me out.  I saw him on George Lopez’s show (I still don’t know how I came to watch George Lopez’s show) last week, and he was just lovely.  He spoke so charmingly, and there was this bit where everyone in the audience wore bandanas.  I don’t get it.  When did the guy who sang “Unskinny Bop” become a hero?

I thought last night’s show was all sorts of giddy, clappin’-hands amazing. From Siobhan Magnus performing with the Bee Gees, to fucking Bret Michaels appearing to sing “Every Rose Has Its Thorn” with Casey James to Joe Cocker’s “With a Little Help From My Friends.” And yes, I am so excited about these three performances (among many, many others), that I’m going to share them with you. Like, right here. Now.

Yeah, that was awesome. I mean, aside from the whole Siobhan Magnus part, anyway. While she’s undoubtedly talented, I’m far too distracted by the crazy-eyes thing that she’s got going on to concentrate on her killer pipes. Oh, that and the fact that I couldn’t tell who was who singing in the beginning — Aaron Kelly or Siobhan. They sound so … alike.

And then there was this. I always had a huge fondness for this Joe Cocker song and I think a lot of it had to do with watching the Wonder Years when I was growing up. You know how most people had a super-crush on Winnie Cooper or Kevin Arnold? Yeah. My ten year-old self totally wanted a serious piece of Paul Pfeiffer preppy ass. Laugh if you will, but I’m big enough to finally admit it now.

And then this. I didn’t even know I loved Bret Michaels as much as I did until I saw him enter the stage to play with Casey James. Really. Don’t even know the dude, but I was so pleased and happy for him and proud of him, in light of his recent health issues, that I almost fell off the couch. I was all like, “Is that Bret Michaels? No … it’s gotta be some kind of super-imposed image on a green screen or a hologram or something, right? Fuck … it is Bret Michaels! And I thought he was on his deathbed!!” Way to go, Bret. Honestly. Way to go, man.

And by far, my favorite moment of the night? Uh, finding out that they’re holding auditions over the next few weeks in New Orleans. Mind-blower. Not that I live even remotely close; [let's play a guessing game -- "Where Does Sarah Live?" -- I'll give you a hint] I’m precisely 1213.41 miles northeast of New Orleans, Louisiana. And yes, I’m assuming that there are going to be auditions a bit closer to where I live, but if you know me at all, you know of the bond that I have with New Orleans.

New Orleans and I are kind of obsessed with each other (I’m obvious about it, me, but he’s a little more reserved than I am, to say the least). The city’s like that boyfriend that looooves our sex, but just doesn’t want to be seen in public with me — so naturally, I’m at his beck and call. He never comes to visit me, so I have to come running every time he calls on a whim, or when I feel the compulsion to see him. For me, American Idol auditions and the city of New Orleans go better together than cold spaghetti and a glass of milk.

And so … guess who’s gonna be visiting that hot-assed boyfriend in just a few short weeks? That’d be me. And damn. Looks like things are getting serious; this is the second time I’ve seen him in three months.  Who knows — maybe we’ll end up moving in together.

So, what was your favorite Idol moment last night? Did you watch? Did you love it? Did you even care?

Oh, yeah, duh. And if you didn’t watch, Lee won last night. Called it, bitches.

Wait, sorry, that’s Aerosmith.  Michaels has a hole in his heart, not his soul.

But, yeah, yikes, if it weren’t for bad luck (or, uh, health), Bret Michaels would have no luck at all, right? And completely aside from that, how many horrible things need to happen to someone in succession until they finally just die? Jaysus.

Bret Michaels, who was admitted to the hospital last month for a brain hemorrhage was released earlier this week, but is now back in the hospital for what doctors are assuming to be a stroke. Under the microscope, Michaels was also found to have a small hole in his heart.

Michaels’ doctor claims that the hole in his heart is operable, and that his family and fans should remain optimistic (need I say that the physician in question has been updating Michaels’ blog throughout his health ordeal — just … weird).

Best wishes — again — to Michaels and his family and I hope that once he survives this (because come on … nothing can ever kill the frontman of a band of Poison’s caliber), he chills it out on the hospital visits.

Bret Michaels was rushed to the hospital last Thursday after experiencing major blood loss near his brain stem. The Rock of Love star is still in intensive care, and while his Facebook page has been updated with a hopeful message, it still sounds pretty severe to me:

“We are hopeful that further tests will locate the source of the bleeding, which has still not been located. As we all know Bret is a fighter and we are hopeful that once all is complete the slurred speech, blurred vision and dizziness, etc. will be eliminated and all functions will return to normal.”

According to TMZ, who spoke with Ceders-Sainai Medical Center, people who suffer from injuries like Bret’s have a 20-30% chance of experiencing more hemorrhaging, and typically those who experience a second bout of bleeding do not survive. In fact, the mortality rate for those who experience a second hemorrhage or “recurrent bleeding” is a grim 70%.

“The only time it will ever affect you in bed is if you have extremely low blood sugar and you go into insulin shock, at which point you won’t be standing up, let alone performing sex. However, I will sometimes hold off on the insulin, which will jack my blood sugar level up to the low 200 range. It’s like how a prizefighter will want to go into the ring with his blood sugar levels high. It gives you the stamina of a bull. So, yes, sometimes I will endanger my own life to pleasure a woman.”

I’d actually like to rename this “Quotables” as “Information We Never Needed To Know.”  Anyway, these are the brilliant words of Poison’s Bret Michaels, talking to Elle about how he’ll completely jeopardize his health in order to get laid.

Oh, and since were talking about Bret Michaels, and I make it a habit to not do that too often, his rep released a statement about his injury, which did include a broken nose, at the Tony Awards the other night:

“With all due respect to everyone working the Tony Awards, somewhere down the line there was a lack of communication and the prop should have been immediately halted until Michaels was clear. Sunday morning at rehearsals, Bret was never informed that the descending set piece existed, let alone would be moving into position as he was exiting the stage.

I find it surprising that a Tony spokesperson would brush off this incident with a comment stating, Mr. Michaels missed his mark,’ with no mention of concern for his condition.If everyone at the Tonys were aware that Bret missed his mark, then they should have been aware enough to stop the set piece from hitting him or at least slowed it down until he cleared the stage. I feel had this incident happened to Liza Minneli, Dolly Parton or Elton John, the Tonys would have at least issued a letter of concern.”

So there you have it.  Bret Michaels is a sexually active idiot with a broken nose.

I don’t know what’s more shocking:  the video of Bret Michaels getting leveled by a piece of stage equipment at the Tony Awards, or the fact that Bret Michaels and his Poison bandmates were invited to perform at the Tony Awards.  Both scenarios are pretty astounding.

Michaels was injured but didn’t break his nose as was originally reported.  Personally, I think it was God’s way of trying to get his attention.  When you get taken down by a metal curtain, that’s just His way of saying, “End these interminable seasons of Rock of Love!” 

One thought just keeps haunting me:  If Heather Graham had just flown to the awards to protect Bret, this never would have happened.

Check out Bret Michaels on Ellen.