Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Breaking Dawn

By The Way, If You See Breaking Dawn, You Might Have A Seizure

And not like “haha, the new Twilight movie was so bad it made me seize” or “yo, bro, my girl wanted me to take her to that vampire bullshit, so I faked a seizure!” No, like you might actually have a seizure:

According to several reports, the graphic birthing scene in “Breaking Dawn: Part One” has caused some moviegoers to suffer from seizures.

In Sacramento, a man told CBS13 he began to have a seizure during the scene and his wife described him as “convulsing, snorting, trying to breathe.”

A man in Utah had the same thing happen to him, telling ABC-4, “I didn’t really remember what happened, after that I think I blacked out. According to [my wife], I was shaking and mumbling different noises.”

Photosensitive epilepsy, which can be caused by flashing lights, is thought to be the cause.

Thanks to all these moving expenses (you guys, I legit had no idea how much money it costs to stock a kitchen or get electricity turned on, and remind me to tell you the hilarious story about all the money I wasted on dish drainers), I still haven’t seen Breaking Dawn. I was super bummed about it, but now … well, no, I’m still definitely going. I still believe that creepy vampiric uterus is going to be the best thing I’ve ever seen.

Are You Proud of Yourself, Twilight?

You ruin lives, Twilight. Did you know that? With your sparkling men and your lip-biting ladies, you destroy precious lives. I hope you can sleep at night.

Oh, you didn’t do anything wrong? You’re just a harmless book series that was made into a harmless movie series that has no real, serious impact on people’s lives? You know so little of your power, Twilight. So, so little.

Why, just this past Saturday, you changed a girl’s life forever. You could have killed her, do you realize that? And don’t give me that “people are in charge of their own choices and they have to live with those consequences” claptrap, because I don’t want to hear it. Little Olivia from Illinois, a girl of just 18 years of age, was arrested after police found her car in a ditch. The girl “was driving with no right front tire and was extremely intoxicated,” and do you want to know why? Do you want to know why this girl was upset enough to get completely trashed and drive her car with three tires into a ditch?

Because she was mad at her boyfriend because he didn’t take her to see Breaking Dawn like he promised.

So the next time you want to parade around thinking that you don’t have the ability to change lives, I want you to take a moment to consider this tale, Twilight. And maybe, just maybe, you’ll be a little more careful next time.

Quotables: Zach Braff Weighs in on Breaking Dawn

A photo of Zach Braff

“Let me get this straight; the vampire impregnates the girl who always looks pissed and then the werewolf wants her baby? I miss John Hughes.”

- Zach Braff tweets his feelings on the newest chapter of the Twilight saga, Breaking Dawn.

I see where you’re coming from, Zach, I really do. Movies like The Breakfast Club and Home Alone are infinitely better than the Twilight movies in almost every conceivable way. But you’re forgetting about one sweet, sweet thing, Zach Braff: Robert Pattinson gnawing through Kristen Stewart‘s uterus with his teeth while her fetus snaps her spine. I’m sorry if I overlooked anything, but I don’t think I saw that scene in Weird Science.