Come on, it’s ok, you can tell me! I know you want this baby doll. And if you don’t, let me give you a few details, and then I’m sure you’ll change your mind.

This is one of those reborn dolls, you know, the ones that look super realistic and sometimes women with emotional problems are shown on television treating them like real children. It’s available on Etsy for just $850, which actually isn’t that outrageous considering all the work that goes into these things. You’re intrigued, right?

But let’s get to the real seller: it’s a vampire baby. In fact, it’s Edward and Bella’s vampire baby. Yes, this is a creepy Twilight doll that will haunt your dreams, and for a small fee of $850, it can haunt the rest of your whole life. And then for your birthday, maybe you can get a Taylor Lautner real doll so you can really get freaky. Like actually, unstably freaky.

Now let’s get to editing those wishlists!

Look! It’s yet another teaser trailer for Breaking Dawn Part 2! And just in time for a blind item to be revealed—Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson are said to be appearing at tomorrow night’s VMAs. Together. About that blind item, if you haven’t already heard about it, two stars who’ve been on the outs are allegedly in the process of reuniting, and while most of you guys who voiced your opinions on it are all in agreement that it’s got to be Chris Brown and Rihanna (uck), I’m still holding out hope for Kristen and Rob. Here’s part of the blind:

Despite the bad press, despite the criticism of fans, despite the ridicule that would be heaped upon them when they finally reunite in public together as a couple, they simply don’t care.

With the pair already sharing the same bed again, all bets hedge on them walking the red carpet together very, very soon…

Oh! Oh! And here’s what Monsters & Critics have to say about a possible Kristen-Rob reunion via MTV VMAs:

Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart will both appear at the MTV Video Music Awards.

The ‘Twilight Saga’ co-stars and former off screen couple had been due to present an award together at the event at the Staples Center in Los Angeles on Thursday (06.09.12) but after Kristen cheated on Robert, their presence was put in doubt.

However, MTV VMA host Kevin Hart believes both will still attend in order to promote the final movie in the vampire series ‘The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2′.

He told BANG Showbiz: ‘From what I understand they’re both still gonna be here. I’m not really up to speed on the whole soap opera that’s been going on between them. I know they’ve got a movie to promote. ‘Twilight’s coming out so it makes sense for them to show up at the VMAs if you ask me.”

Guys. Guys! Wouldn’t it be romantic if they let the world know of their rekindled flame at the MTV VMAs? Because it would be so, so romantic. I would love this so hard.

Please, please God let this happen, and I’ll never ask for another thing in life again EVER.

This post isn’t a post to rag on Kristen Stewart, because like I told you guys yesterday, I’m done with all of that, but it is designed to make you feel sad and reminiscent of days gone by, back when Edward and Bella were still Edward and Bella, and Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart had the emo fairytale romance that everyone was obsessed with, including them (or at least Rob).

Check out the newest stills from Breaking Dawn Part 2, which hits theaters on November 16th.

Don’t know, guys. Seeing this trailer irritates me all over again. The tenderness in Robert Pattinson‘s voice when he talks to Kristen Stewart and her stupid Bella character; it’s true love. Robert is a decent actor, but he’s not that good. No, his feelings for Kristen are genuine, and then … well, you know how it ends up.

This is the official Breaking Dawn: Part 2 trailer, and it’s got Japanese subtitles. For, you know, those who speak Japanese.

Now, in light of all of this stuff, I’ve got a couple of questions you should probably answer!

Are you guys going to see this movie?

Is it because you love this franchise?

Or is it because you’re fascinated by the Robert Pattinson-Kristen Stewart drama and you want to see what the big deal is?

Is there going to be drama on the red carpet?

Is Kristen still a bitch, or do you think otherwise now?

The new photos are released today, and depict the vampires and their friends in an array of vampire-themed settings. Because go figure. Breaking Dawn. It’s about vampires.

Also, who’s the heavy girl (see gallery photos)? Don’t get me wrong, she’s absolutely beautiful—but correct me if I’m wrong; this is the first heavyset vampire girl we’ve seen in the entire franchise history. Is she the only heavyset female vampire in existence? Do the other vampires generally frown upon that kind of thing? Is that why we’re only now seeing a heavier character on the scene?

Good Lord. The world we live in … I just don’t know sometimes.

This is so exciting. I am so excited. Where are you, Twihards? Come and JOIN IN MY EXCITEMENT OVER HERE so that I don’t look like the stinky kid who’s got a new ball and no one wants to play with him because he stinks! COME! It’s the official ‘Breaking Dawn Part 2‘ Trailer! Get some!

Also, did you know, obsessors, that today is Edward Cullen’s 111th birthday? Because it is! About the trailer (and the birthday), the New York Daily News has this to say:

Twi-hards are ringing in Edward Cullen’s 111th birthday in style.

Summit feted the fictional vampire, played by Robert Pattinson, by releasing the latest trailer for “The Twilight Saga – Breaking Dawn, Part 2″ early Wednesday.

The star of the one-minute, 18-second trailer, however, isn’t the long-in-the-tooth Cullen, but his new bride Bella (Kristen Stewart), who is now a fully glittering immortal in her own right.

“After 18 years of being utterly ordinary, I finally found I could shine, I was born to be a vampire,” says Bella.

“I didn’t expect you to seem so … you,” says Jacob (Taylor Lautner).

It isn’t all doe-eyes and kisses for the Cullens, though, as the Volturi, the vampire covent led by Michael Sheen’s Aro, vow to wipe out our heroes because they have birthed precocious Renesmee (Mackenzie Foy).

Sheen shows great range, proving he can play both a vampire and a werewolf, which he did in the “Underworld” movies.

“To maintain our secret has never been more impertative,” he seethes as he rallies his troops.

And finally, for men who escorted their girlfriends to the first four “Twilight” movies, there’s the payoff of a big battle between the Volturi and Bella’s allied band of werewolves and vamps.

“I’ll never let anybody hurt you,” Bella vows to her daughter.

Happy birthday, Edward!

So yeah, Happy Birthday, Edward Cullen! … Oh.

Oh.

My God.

I can’t believe I’m wishing a fictional character birthday wishes. I’ve officially lost my damn mind.

Oh please. I’m not even going to pretend that I’m not excited about this movie coming up, because why should I? Why should I try to be all cool and collected when I’m anything but? I’m just going to go ahead and embrace it.

The clip centers around the stupidly-named child, Renesmee, and talks of the Volturi’s imminent arrival. The Volturi, for all you non-’Twilight‘-loving people, is kind of like crooked big brother of the vampires who want to control everything and everyone for their own benefit.

The movie hits theaters November 16th—will you be one of those waiting in line mad hours ahead of time to see it on its premiere night? Moreover, are you batshit crazy over this franchise like this lady is, or are you more demure like … well, you know, me?

Do you guys love the poster? Hate the series? Hate the teaser? Just can’t wait ’til the movie comes out on November 16th? What’s the real deal, guys?

*For the record, I think “Renesmee” is probably the stupidest name I’ve ever heard. When I read the books and I found that Bella would be calling her daughter “Renesmee,” I almost quit the series altogether. And seriously, there are a whole lot of die-hard, obsessive ‘Twilight’ fans out there, and if I hear one—one!—of them say that they’re naming their future female children “Renesmee,” I might have to punch them—and their kid—in the face. Because that is just bad. Get a grip, ‘Twilight’-ers. Gosh.

This November, the second part of Breaking Dawn will be released. This will be the last Twilight movie ever (probably). We have six months to prepare for it. Is it enough time to get ready to let go?

Really, I don’t have a whole lot to say about these lame ass posters, I just have some ponderings about the movie in general. I’ve been thinking about it a bit lately (welcome to my exciting world, you guys), and I think this is going to be the most interesting film, for me, anyway. Sure, the first part had all the good stuff – the sex, the hilarious pregnancy, and Edward biting through Bella’s womb to get the baby out – but I think this second part will be neat in a different way. For instance, we’ll get to see Jacob fall in love with Bella’s newborn baby girl. That will be super special, won’t it?

Another thing I think will be interesting is Kristen Stewart‘s acting. I’m sure it will be horrible, as that is the precedent she set in the first four films, but I wonder if our opinions will be different this time, now that some of us have found her more likable lately? I don’t really think so. And I know a lot of you will say that it’s not her fault, the scripts are horrible, and that’s true, the scripts are atrocious, but that’s not an excuse. A good actor can find a way to work with a bad script, and there were definitely moments in all the movies where she could have shone, or moments where she could have at least made a bold choice. But she never did, she spent every moment of every movie mumbling and biting her lip and refusing to make eye contact. She gave a boring, flat performance in every movie, and I don’t think this last one will be any different. It’s true that she might be better in her other movies, I’m not sure, I haven’t seen many of them, but that doesn’t make her portrayal of Bella any better. If she’s not a bad actor, then she’s a lazy one.

Regardless, I’m excited for this movie, and I look forward to the next big franchise that I can enjoy for all the wrong reasons. Any clue as to what that might be?

I would. I mean, come on. It’d be all laughs and chucks from the time the heart monitor stopped beeping, because duh, what’s funnier than your blood-starved, emaciated wife dying on the table while giving birth to your half-breed vampire baby?

Of course I’m kidding. It wouldn’t be funny, but we’re not talking about real life here, we’re talking reel life on the set of Breaking Dawn Part 1. Which I haven’t seen yet, but only because every damned time I considered seeing it in theaters, it was like there was a constant presence of at least three hundred people all queued up at the ticket counter. Screaming girls at the movies are NOT MY THING. One time, I even went to go see the new, rebooted Nightmare on Elm Street with my brother, because my husband totally hates horror movies (even campy, stupid horror movies). Somehow all these kids ended up in the theater, and whenever anything remotely “scary” would happen, a trio of girls sitting three rows in front of us would scream bloody murder. Sometimes it was even delayed; like, Freddy’d biff someone and it’d take their adolescent brains a second to process it, so there’d be time when a full two seconds would elapse, and then you’d hear the squawking. I hated it so hard that, at one point (OK, about ten minutes into the movie), I whipped a handful of Buncha Crunch at the back of their heads as hard as I could possibly muster, and from then on, it shut them up.

You might think I’m a hypocritical bully, but I’m really not. I’m just an adult with a low tolerance for the same bullshit that I pulled at fourteen and fifteen years old and I like to make it known.

Anyway, back to the Breaking Dawn blooper – it’s pretty funny. It shows Robert Pattinson, covered in blood, trying to bite Kristen Stewart‘s arm, thus making her a vampire and saving both her and their unborn baby’s life. But he can’t do it. He dissolves into a fit of giggles for whatever reason, and the scene has to be reshot. Same with Taylor Lautner. He reports that he tries to later give CPR to Kristen Stewart’s character, and he’s got to wrap his entire mouth around the lower part of her face. And fails. Because that’d actually be kind of funny, too.

Ah these actors and their shenanigans. Just gotta love ‘em, you know?

Writing about celebrity gossip is hard work! And that is why I have decided to farm out one of my weekend posts to my friend Fred’s 11-year-old daughter. Hmm. I think this isn’t illegal.

Now, you might guess that this new column was inspired by Kids React, but you are wrong. Instead, I was inspired by the mustache my friend Fred’s daughter was perma-markering onto a photograph of Justin Bieber in the magazine J-14. “You know,” I said to her, “Perez Hilton made his millions by drawing on people.” Then I offered this 11-year-old girl my job.

Fred’s daughter wasn’t sure what to write about, so I asked her to tell me a little bit about the latest Twilight movie Breaking Dawn: Part 1, because I haven’t seen it.

Here is what an 11-year old had to say:

I recently went to see Part I of Breaking Dawn. If I had to rate the movie from 1 to 5 stars, I would give it a three-and-a-half.

I love the Twilight series, but Breaking Dawn was way too sappy. I hate sappy movies! I hate them because you always know what will happen at the end. Like every Julia Roberts movie! Or Julia Roberts comes into movies and ruins them! Like Ocean’s Eleven. It started so cool: gadgets, stealing money, George Clooney, Brad Pitt…. And then at the end, Julia Roberts has to suddenly show up and kiss George Clooney. The pain of that scene was just like being locked up in a nuthouse and being forced to listen to show tunes. (Editor’s note: ?????!!!!)

The mouth on this kid! Anyway, there’s much, much more, but there are also some Breaking Dawn spoilers. You’ve been warned.

And now, Fred’s 11-year-old daughter, who will happily spoil Breaking Dawn for you:

So the acting was OK at first. But then they totally screwed it up. Like Kristen Stewart: OK, in the first three movies, Bella (Kristen) was really dark and mopey, a real Debbie Downer—except when she was being eaten by vampires. And now she’s, like, happy and excited. It doesn’t add up! I mean, after all the things that have happened to her, shouldn’t she be even mopier? After being attacked by vampires, and now having, like, a demon baby, I would be, like, paralyzed by now!

Oh, and Robert Pattinson! Let me tell you about him. His hair. Is so stupid. And how much makeup they put on him…? That’s how much makeup I might wear in… four years. “Remember, ladies, never date a guy who has more lip gloss on than you,” that’s what my uncle says.

Anyway, back to Robert Pattinson’s hair. I mean, how much hair gel did they put in there? Or did they use marshmallow fluff to get it like that?

I really think Bella should’ve chosen Jacob over Edward, because he has everything she wants. Bella wants a guy with looks, and Jacob is not pale like she and Edward are. But of course she has to pick Edward! I think Edward looks like a butt. Think about it—he’s pale, boring, flabby, and has no meaning. A butt.

In spite of everything, Fred’s daughter did conclude that The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn: Part 1 is nonetheless a fulfilling moviegoing experience overall.

Still, it sounds to me like she was disturbed by A) inconsistencies in directorial tone, B) Edward Cullen’s lack of believable depth, and C) marshmallow hair.

(Image via the Warner Bros blog.)

If watching this video of everyone’s favorite Twihard didn’t just make your day, then … well, I guess you had a really awful day. And for that, I’m sorry.

But in a further attempt to cheer you up, here’s the same beautiful fan sharing her reaction after seeing Breaking Dawn: