Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Brandy

Quotables: Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Brandy’s Non-Existent Sex Life

photo of dancing with the stars contestant brandy norwood pictures

“I haven’t been with a man seriously and in love in six years. And, honestly, I tend to abstain if I’m not in a relationship … It’s been a long time. We’re talking years.”

Brandy, Bra’Mu or Bra’Nu or whoever her Sasha Fierce-like alter-ego is or whatever, who is currently starring on Dancing With the Stars — and kicking ass and taking names like it’s nobody’s business — claims that she hasn’t been bedded in ‘years.’

So.  Years, girl? Whatchoo wanna go and do that for? You’re young, virile, and pretty attractive, as far as I’m concerned. I mean, I totally respect that you don’t go out and bang every hot boy on the block, and I think that’s pretty awesome, but treat yourself every once in awhile for God’s sake. At least every four years or so, come on.

Quotables: Howard Stern Sticks Up For Brandy/All Women, Shuts Down Maksim Chmerkovskiy

“The first season these dance instructors were normal people. They’re not exactly living the high life. They put them on TV and they develop personalities. They all have become full of themselves. And Maksim is very taken with himself. He doesn’t like to be criticized. The whole show is being criticized and he doesn’t like it… Well, he is dancing with Brandy … This guy is yelling at her, giving her the business about how she has to work harder. She’s being a good sport about it, pretending like this actually matters if they’re dancing the f***ing samba correctly. All of the sudden, while he’s training her he starts smacking her on the ass. This guy is training a woman, a black woman. You know when a man walks by a woman and makes a sound like she’s a fine horse? He’s smacking her on the ass like she’s his personal property, like back in the slave days. I was astounded they were showing this on TV.”

- Howard Stern going off about Maksim Chmerkovskiy treatment of his partner Brandy on Dancing With The Stars.

A lot of people hate Howard because they just hear the things he says that are so honest that they seem offensive, but I love him because he also always says stuff like this. He’s a man of strong, smart opinions.

I couldn’t agree more about Maksim’s treatment of Brandy and how absolutely disgusting it is that the producers allow their professional relationship to be played out like that on camera.

There Are More Assholes on This Year’s Dancing With the Stars Than I Can Shake a Stick At

Oh, Lordy. Have you heard the partial list of who’s appearing on this upcoming season of Dancing With the Stars? Because it’s a doozy. A motherfucking doozy. Like, ‘doozy’ as in ‘you can’t swing a dead cat without hitting some of the most obnoxious people on the planet.’

In order of best to worst, I give you the almost-complete list of DWTS contenders.

Kurt Warner – an NFL player who helped win the Superbowl back in 1998. I don’t know much about him, and I’m not going to Google him because, frankly, I’m not interested in finding anything out. Point is, DWTS has its token athlete, like it or not, and that’s just fine by me.

Audrina Patridge – Oh, for crying out loud. Watching this woman dance onstage is going to be akin to watching a blind man crossing the street. To music.

Brandy – Maybe she can spend the entire season telling the paparazzi to lay off of her, and bloggers to leave her alone — or better yet, she can pull a Kate Gosselin and do her little “Paparazzi” dance. That’d go over well. And it’d be poetic, too, because Brandy actually meant something to Hollywood once. You know, back when ‘That Boy is Mine’ was cool and it was the ‘in’ thing to do to star in movies like I Still Know What You Did Last Summer (and yes, I really did like those movies).

Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino – As I’m sure you can understand, I’m really, really looking forward to seeing Mike Sorrentino’s greasy abs ‘creep’ and ‘beat up the beat’ all over the stage, ’cause he’s so underexposed as it is. And you know this shithead is going to win. You just KNOW it. He’ll probably pull Chippendale moves every week, because that’ll mean he’ll only have to wear a bowtie and no shirt. Uh, bonus?

So thanks, ABC. I didn’t watch Dancing With the Stars before, and I’m definitely not going to start now.