Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Brad Pitt

Brangelina Planning to Adopt Again


Although it won’t premiere until sometime around the year 2020, the greatest reality show ever continues its casting process, with Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie planning to adopt another orphan, this time from India. A source says they plan to bring the child to the U.S. by Christmas. While Brad wants to adopt a boy, Angelina may be leaning toward another girl. The source says that “whichever they end up with, they’d like to name the child India to honor its homeland,” and, of course, to graciously set up the “finding nirvana in India” jokes for me to knock out of the ballpark when I’m writing a celeb gossip blog in my forties and India Jolie-Pitt is banging her Greek shipping heir. Pitt and Jolie are currently in India filming the upcoming A Mighty Heart.

Jolie has three children already. The first, Maddox, was adopted in 2002 from Cambodia, a region Angie fell in love with while filming the first Lara Croft film. Zahara, now nearly two years old, was picked up from Ethiopia; and, of course, we’re all familiar with Shiloh Almighty, the omnipotent union of the Jolie-Pitt genetics, who made her much-heralded arrival to our simple planet in May of this year.

Angelina has said in the past, “I want to create a rainbow family. That’s children of different religions and cultures from different countries.” Thanks, Angie. I needed that spelled out for me. The other term I hear a lot lately is “dirty sanchez.” Do you know anything about that?

Donald Trump Thinks Angelina Jolie’s a Dirty Slut

Finally The Donald and I agree on something. Because I’m still mad that Randal beat out Rebecca, and that was like 8 seasons ago. From a recent interview on Larry King Live.

KING: OK, back to some thing current. You recently applauded Brad Pitt’s stance on not marrying Angelina Jolie. I believe you said that you consider everyone — when he said everyone should be married but don’t bug him, why?

TRUMP: Well, look, number one, I know her father. Her father is a nice guy. I think she treats him like a dog but maybe they have some kind of a thing.

KING: Yes, why, he’s a good guy?

TRUMP: I mean this poor sap he comes along and he practically begs her, “I want to see my grandson. I want to see this.” I mean if I were with him, I’d say “Forget it. It’s over.”

KING: He’s also a great actor, Jon Voight.

TRUMP: I think he’s a great actor and she just treats him terribly. She’s been with so many guys she makes me look like a baby, OK, with the other side. And, I just don’t even find her attractive. That has nothing to do with why I said it though.

He made that statement, right, and he made it like he’s doing this wonderful thing for humanity. I think he probably made it just because he doesn’t want to get married, which is, you know, not so bad.

KING: You’ve been quoted…

TRUMP: But I’m not a fan of hers as you probably noticed.

Check out more of the transcript for Trump’s esteemed opinions on K-Fed and Paris Hilton.

Brangelina Treated Like Normal Human Beings by a Gym

  • I bet Dane Cook and Jessica Simpson have really deep pillow talk. “I know many consider Thus Spoke Zarathustra to be Nietzsche’s most important work, Jess, but I’ve personally always felt it to be Ecce Homo, with it’s ultimate emphasis on transvaluation.” “I concur, Dane. So very heartily.”
  • Sigourney Weaver injures her knee on a trampoline while filming a movie. “You have to learn what not to do with your knees,” says the actress, ostensibly to Lindsay Lohan.

Early Morning Musings: Cameron Diaz ASSAULTED!

  • People in this country seem to think it would be a good thing if Lindsay Lohan moved to London. Such thinking belies a tacit ignorance of the economic underpinnings of our nation. A drastic shift in the supply/demand curve of the blow industry impacts all of us.
  • Cameron Diaz filed a police report accusing a photog of assault with a deadly weapon.
  • Angelina and Brad continue their tireless quest to buy our forgiveness, donating $1M each to the Global Action for Children and Doctors Without Borders. It’s really pathetic, you know, behaving as though a vast improvement in quality of life for thousands of third-world children in any way makes up for the broken heart of one first-world Jennifer Aniston. You two sicken me.
  • Someone went Wild On…Brooke Burke. Check out pics of her preggers. And, for the record, I tried very hard to think of something more current to pun on than an E! series she wrapped four years ago, but that’s really all there is for her.
  • No, silly, Chris Klein did not impregnant Katie Holmes. An alien did.

Brad Pitt Peeks Out from Angelina Jolie’s Shadow, Says Something Important


Don’t get me wrong: I’m still mad at Brad Pitt. When he walked out on Jennifer Aniston, I felt like he took all my fairytale-marriage-to-Brad-Pitt dreams along with him. You’d think they would have evaporated when he married Jennifer Aniston, and, consequently, not me, but somehow they persisted still. Like I could have my fairytale marriage to Brad Pitt through Rachel Green. I soaked up every minute of our power-couple union. What kind of person operates in such a distorted, delusional reality? I’ll tell you: it’s the same kind of person who writes a celebrity gossip blog.

So when he left us for that whorecake of a U.N. Goodwill Ambassador (that’s not even a real ambassador, I’ll have you know), I was pissed. It was totally uncool. I felt jilted, betrayed. I was mad at him.

Then he shows up on the cover of Esquire looking ridiculously hot and broody, and what does he say about his relationship with Captain Whorebreath?

“Angie and I will consider tying the knot when everyone else in the country who wants to be married is legally able.”

And when you set aside the fact that Brad Pitt just boldly advocated polygamy and child brides to a well-respected men’s publication, it’s really a very nice sentiment, and I may take his photo off my dartboard, just for this week.

Penelope Cruz’s Right Breast, Among Other Things

Britney: "You Assholes Thought I Got Knocked Up Again On Purpose?"


I’d like to begin by issuing an apology to Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. In a post last month, I was unnecessarily harsh to the couple, ranting and raving about how insane, fame-whorish, and bad-parenty it was for them to allow a wax likeness of their two-month-old child to be photographed for money.

Compared to Britney Spears, Pitt & Jolie are the Cleavers. (Is there actually anyone alive today who ever watched Leave it to Beaver? Why do we still say things like that? I have no idea who the Cleavers are and you don’t either.)

Ms. Spears said an assortment of very retarded and childhood-ruining things while in the presence of People magazine’s writing staff, and I’d like to summarize the highlights. While Brad and Angelina waited until their baby had a good solid two months of footing in this world before demonstrating publicly that she’s nothing more than a long-term PR stunt, Britney formally announces she didn’t really want her baby while it’s still in utero. “It just kind of happened,” said Britney, by which she means “I meant to to take my birth control, ya’ll, but I was too damn stoned, you know? Oh-muh-gahd. Fee?”

It’s also nice to see that Britney’s in touch with the real reason she wanted to get knocked up in the first place: “It makes me feel needed and wanted,” she says, “so I like it.”

It’s so clear now: when international superstardom, worldwide adoration, mountains of cold hard cash and a steady diet of bong hits and McDonalds just won’t heal that empty ache within, you know you’re ready to be a mom.