Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Blind Item

Blind Item: The Kardashian Paternity Drama

A photo of Khloe Kardashian, Kim Kardashian, and Kourtney Kardashian

This is a really interesting but really sad blind item. The rest of the internet and I aren’t really accepting any guesses for this other than the Kardashians, so why don’t we go ahead and review the item and then talk about our feelings, all right?

While the members of this famous family certainly resemble each other, there is one family member with a unique physical characteristic that differentiates them from their more famous sibling/s. There have been rumblings about this for a long time, but it has finally been confirmed by parent to child: that the child is, in fact, the product of an affair one of their parents had long ago.  The child did not take the news well, and really resents having been lied to all these years. Given that certain members of the family tend to selectively overshare, it will be interesting to see if this information is ever publicly revealed, and – if it is – how it will be spun.

And now we know that it’s been confirmed that Khloe Kardashian is not truly a Kardashian by blood, and that Mother of the Year, Kris Jenner, slept around. Here, in no particular order, are the facts to back it up:

1) Check out the wording of the item: “a unique physical characteristic,” “more famous sibling,” and the tendency to “selectively overshare.” Not a Kardashian post goes by where somebody doesn’t comment on Khloe’s stature, of course Kim is way more famous, and … oversharing, guys. That’s what the Kardashians do.

2) Just look at Khloe. We’ve already mentioned the height, but there’s the lighter hair, the lighter complexion, and the fact that Kim and Kourtney could be twins while Khloe has a pretty different look.

3) If you watch the show, you might remember an early episode where Khloe did a DNA test to see if Kris was her biological mom. She stated that she never felt like a real part of the family and that she felt like she was treated differently.

4) Remember, Khloe Kardashian is the best Kardashian. A different set of genes might be the reason.

5) In Kris Jenner’s new book, she mentions that time that she had an affair around the same time that Khloe would have been conceived. So there’s that.

Any other guesses, or do you think it’s pretty much a sure bet that this paternity drama is all about the Kardashians?

Blind Item Blitz

Photo: Blind Item Blitz! (OK, a guitar player.)

*Drum beat*

Are you ready, Liz? (“Uh-huh.”)
Mireee? (“Yeah.”)
Chuck? (“OK.”)
All right, readers!
Let’s goooooooooooooooo!

*Guitar riff*

Here’s one from Buzzfoto. Everyone says Buzzfoto’s gossip blinds are a load of hooey, but they can’t all be wrong. Right?

This once A-list, award-winning actor has dropped off the radar in the last few years. A source tells us he obsessively watches right-wing news and radio broadcasts like Glenn Beck, while stocking up on gold and weapons, preparing for ‘the end.’ His friends have tried to offer help, but he complains to our source that they are ‘nothing but Hollywood liberal socialists’ who have an agenda. His family and friends are worried as he’s becoming more extreme, and the source also claims he’s shelled out big bucks to install a bunker on his property.

I consulted with my friend Mike on this one, and he landed a pretty good guess: Jon Voight.

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‘Jersey Shore’ Blind Item!

Blind Item The Anonymous Entertainment Lawyer at Crazy Days and Nights, who has a nose for these things, writes,

Which Jersey Shore star is fond of saying, “It is not gay if someone else is doing the sucking,” whenever he is questioned about some of the people he has gone out with.

HA HA HA HA HA!

OK, I really have no idea who Enty is talking about here—but then again, there are only four dude castmembers on “Jersey Shore.” So! If I were to make four guesses, 25% of my guesses would be correct. Those are terrific odds. Alternatively, I could spend all four of my guesses on Mike “the Situation” Sorrentino, and then maybe I would be 400% right. Just sayin’.

Don’t get me wrong. I know sexuality is located on a larger, fluid continuum—Ha! Fluid! But seriously, I read “Savage Love,” you guys—and some perfectly heteronormative dudes are totally comfortable getting a beej from other dudes. That’s called being secure. But in the case of “Jersey Shore,” it could also be called “putting your penis, oh, just anywhere.”

Blind Item: Somebody Has Some Paternity Drama …

Oh man, I am too excited for this one, so let’s not waste any time with the preliminaries:

While some celebs are finally acknowledging new additions to their families, others are in denial about their parental status. Well, here’s some info about one in particular that may add some fuel to the parental fire.

Is he really the father of this baby? As a matter of fact, he might not be the father. The new mom actually did have sex with another guy the week before she had sex with the celebrity. She is “pretty sure” that the celeb is the father… but there’s a chance that it’s the other guy.

Good news, right? Not so fast. Even if the celeb is cleared as the father, he’s still in a world of trouble. Why? Because this was not the first time he’s picked up a fan and had unprotected sex with her. The story that this girl is telling is absolutely true… and there are plenty of other girls who have had a nearly-identical experience with this same celebrity.
That means that there are an awful lot of people who are going to need to get paid off so that the celebrity doesn’t come off looking bad. And, while he’s at it, perhaps he should also consider paying for their medical bills. Because while the other girls didn’t wind up pregnant, some did wind up needing prescriptions.

JUSTIN BIEBER. Can you believe it? Justin Bieber actually did knock up good ol’ Mariah Yeater, and also he has diseases of the sexual variety, and also he’s growing up into the strong young man I always knew he would be. At least, that’s what I’m choosing to believe.

You got anything else?

Blind Item: Christina Aguilera Is An Angry Drunk

A photo of Christina Aguilera

Every now and then, there’s a blind item that I can figure out. And, I’ll admit it, I get a little cocky. I’ll post the picture of the celebrity I think the blind item refers to instead of that creepy faceless picture, and I’ll talk a little more smack. And this is definitely one of those times.

This diva had a little too much to drink at a recent Halloween party. She was fine until someone brought up the name of another female artist. Our diva began mocking her rival. When someone made the mistake of coming to the rival’s defense, our diva went ballistic, and started screaming at them: “That bitch destroyed my career! Don’t you ever, EVER mention her name in front of me again!” The defender backed off, and everyone else gave the diva a wide berth for the rest of the evening.

Christina Aguilera obviously hasn’t put down the bottle yet, and she obviously still hates Lady Gaga for her own failures. It’s almost too easy.

Any other guesses?

Blind Item: Christina Aguilera Is A “Hot Disheveled Mess”

A photo of Christina Aguilera

Am I jumping the gun with this one? Maybe. But you let me know one other woman who fits this description, just one other woman, and I’ll take it back*.

Check out this blind item describing the recent behavior of Christina Aguilera (or whoever):

This former A list female singer and now still a great singer, but more of a hot disheveled mess with lots of money to burn would be a more accurate description. Our singer has been partying a lot. She knows she parties and she knows she has way too much drink many nights of the week. Since her significant other is not any better about partying and can’t trust him to save her if she starts to die during the night, she has a baby monitor that she takes with her wherever she goes. One goes in her room and one goes in the room of her bodyguard. Always. She leaves them on 24 hours a day just in case she forgets to turn it on before she goes to sleep. So, the various bodyguards that have come into her life the past six months or so have heard everything from the craziest loudest fights to the craziest loudest sex, to the craziest loudest snoring from a woman that has ever been heard.

Yeah. Doesn’t that just ooze Christina? Couldn’t you just see her carrying around a little baby monitor, being all “no, you don’t understand, bodyguard, I could die. I could die. You don’t understand. Where’s my boyfriend? Where’s my drink? Waaaaaah!” Because I could. I could so hard.

Any other guesses, or do you think Christina is the obvious answer?

*I’ll never take it back.

Blind Item: Seriously, Stop With The Plastic Surgery

We all know this tragic tale: some young girl starts out with a truly lovely face, she goes to Hollywood, gets praise for her face, a few years go by, and she ends up absolutely destroying her good looks in an effort to preserve them. It’s sad, it is, but it happens everyday. And that little story is the basis for today’s blind item:

Which perky All-American actress has had so much cosmetic surgery that producers on her comeback film added a clause in her contract that she can’t get nipped or tucked until after the movie’s release? She’s desperate to make her way back to the A-list, but movie execs fear when the film comes out no one will recognize her on the big screen.

Meg Ryan. A thousand times Meg Ryan. We all know what she’s done to her face, but just in case you need a quick reference:

A photo of Meg Ryan

Oh, Meg. Lay off the Botox and the Mellencock, and then maybe the world will be ready for another magical romcom. Do it for the fans!

Any other guesses?