Yesterday evening, Beyonce and Jay-Z did a really surprising thing: they posted pictures of their little bundle of joy, Blue Ivy, on Jay-Z’s site. I say it’s surprising because wouldn’t it make sense that a baby who gets diamond earrings and platinum bracelets would get a glamorous photo shoot in Vogue or something? It caught me a little off guard that the pictures were just posted online. What’s way more surprising though is that we’re seeing little Blue at all. For a couple as private as Beyonce and Jay-Z, and for all the rumors of surrogacy that have been going around, you’d think that it would be a good long while before we’d see any pictures at all. Not so much, I guess.

But hey, is this baby gorgeous or what? I mean, I’m one of those people who think babies are precious and adorable always, but this baby is just beautiful. I’m pretty sure it’s the hair. But her little hands and her little nose and her little baby lips! Babies, you guys! Can you even stand it?!

There’s already a lot of talk surrounding these photos: some people say the baby looks like Jay-Z and not Beyonce at all, some people say the baby doesn’t look like either of them, some people say that the baby doesn’t look to be the right age. Some people are saying that some of the pictures look Photoshopped, and some people are saying that Beyonce’s perfect hair post-delivery is a little suspect. Basically, people are saying a lot of things.

What do you guys think about the pictures? Where do you stand on the surrogacy situation, or do you even care anymore now that you’ve seen this beautiful baby? Oh, and speaking of caring, Mariah Carey didn’t want to be outdone by these long-awaited baby pictures, so she went ahead and posted a really good one of Dem Babies a couple minutes after we were introduced to Blue Ivy:

BABIES!

On the flip side, if you’re one of the few who actually do believe that Beyonce both carried – and birthed! – her own child, then you shouldn’t be surprised by this news, either. Beyonce and Jay-Z have six nannies on hand. Six nannies. For one child. I’d say that probably gives a more than sufficient amount of time to work out in your own personal gym pretty much, you know, 23 and-a-half hours out of the day over these last four weeks.

Yes, this is what Beyonce looks a short four weeks after giving birth, and it lends a whole lot of credence to the rumors that she took Prednisone, a steroid that has side-effects like facial swelling and weight gain, both of which were witnessed at only the very end of B’s pregnancy. The funny thing about Prednisone (my brother used to take it when he was a little kid; he had some health issues of his own) is that once you stop taking it, the facial swelling and weight gain goes away almost immediately – especially if you haven’t been taking it long-term.

The Beyonce photos were captured while she attended her husband’s show at Carnegie Hall in New York City, where he performed ‘Glory’, the song he wrote for his daughter, for the first time. Here’s a clip:

Sources close to Jay-Z say that after the reportedly-exhausting show, Beyonce and the hubs snacked out on celery and champagne, so maybe it isn’t all a loss, Beyonce stopping that Prednisone or hot wings or whatever it actually was. The health benefits of this child being in their lives are, by far, heavily outweighing the idea that Beyonce probably didn’t give birth to that child, and that’s good. Because when two people who can afford to bedazzle their baby’s bottles and provide them with round-the-clock nanny care in sets of three, it’s refreshing to see that their tastes wander to the conventional, and the healthy, too. You know?

Man, I wish I had a baby. That child would have the best accessories. I’d spring for that BeDazzler down at the Salvation Army that I’ve had my eye on and I’d finally go pick up my sewing machine and my hot glue gun from my dad’s. I’d get the biggest tube of Tacky Glue the Walmart has in stock, and I’d be sure to get every color of puffy paint I could find. I would go wild. My baby would have tie dyed cloth diapers and rhinestone covered onesies. There’s even a solid chance that I would put those spinning rims on the stroller.

But see, I don’t have a baby, so I can’t do any of these things. And while that breaks my heart, I have to look on the positive side. And that positive side is that Beyonce does have a baby, and she is doing these things, only on a much grander, more Beyonce-like scale.

From In Touch via Celebitchy:

Beyonce isn’t leaving anything to chance when it comes to the welfare of her firthborn child. According to a friend, the new mom has two nannies on call at all times, which makes for a total of six nannies for little Blue Ivy Carter.

“Beyonce wanted to make sure that her daughter has the best of care,” a friend of the singer tells In Touch. “Her diaper is changed every hour.”

And proud papa Jay-Z, 42, is also lavishing attention on the newborn – by way of bling.

“Jay-Z bought her diamond earrings and a platinum baby bracelet,” reveals the friend. “Even her bottle has pink sapphires on it.”

A little over the top perhaps, but what can you expect from the couple who reportedly spent $1.3 million to bullet-proof the delivery room!

There are so many things to talk about, so let’s just break it down, section by section, ok?

- Why would you even need six nannies?  That doesn’t make any sense.  Even if you could afford it, why would you need two other people there at all times to take care of your baby?  Parents, if you could afford it, would you even want this amount of help?

- How do you guys feel about babies with pierced ears? I don’t really care for it, because, come on, it’s a baby, and there are probably other things on a baby’s mind besides jewelry. Also, they cry and it makes me sad.

- A platinum baby bracelet? For real? They might as well just call it a platinum chew toy, because a baby isn’t going to appreciate anything about that bracelet besides sticking it right inside her mouth.

- Their baby bottles have pink sapphires on them. Could you even imagine? What are they going to do with the bottles after the baby doesn’t need them anymore? How many needlessly extravagant things can one baby have?

- Why do I keep discussing Beyonce and Jay-Z like they’re normal people with reasonable ideas about money?

What do you guys think? Do these guys sound like good parents so far? Would you want to be little Blue Ivy? Don’t you think that alternating rows of pink sapphire, aquamarine, and pearl would be so much cuter?

File it under “You Didn’t Hear It From Us”: numerous reports this week claimed that Oprah had been crowned godmother of Beyonce and Jay-Z‘s infant daughter, Blue Ivy Carter.

I am pleased to announce that you never read any such thing here at Evil Beet Gossip. But boy, if we had reported it, we’d be eating crow right about now.

Oprah’s bestie Gayle King sets the record straight (via Pop2it):

“It’s absolutely not true that she’s the godmother,” King said. “She’s friends with them, of course, and likes them both very much. She’s working on sending them a baby gift. She hasn’t even had time to send a baby gift because she’s been away.”

See? How could Oprah be the godmother when she hasn’t even sent a gift yet?

That baby better watch out when Oprah does send something, though. Kid’s sure to get fifteen cars and a rehabbed kitchen (you’ll find the keys taped to the underside of your high chair, honey).

King added, “Let me just say, if (that report is) true, it is news to her. It is news to her. You know, she was heading to South Africa when the baby was born.”

Don’t you get it, people? Oprah would make a great godmother, but Oprah is busy. Oprah is very happy about the new baby—Oprah loves babies!—but Oprah has much, much bigger fish to fry.

The entire article in a nutshell:

I know, Beyonce has only been a mom for, what, nine days? But you guys, she is such a good mom. Seriously, it’s like crazy how good she is. According her old fellow children of Destiny, that is.

Beyoncé just brought baby Blue Ivy Carter home from the hospital but motherhood, according to her former Destiny’s Child bandmates, is as natural for the pop star as dancing in stilettos and a leotard.

“She’s doing fabulous,” Michelle Williams told PEOPLE on the red carpet at the taping of the 2012 BET Honors in Washington, D.C., on Saturday

“She was born to be a mother,” Kelly Rowland added at the show, which will air Feb. 13. “She’s wonderful.”

According to Williams, Beyoncé has what it takes to be a great mother to baby Blue. “She has such compassion for people and humanity, period,” she said.

Still, Williams admits that the ladies of Destiny’s Child never thought their frontwoman would be the first to become a mom.

“We were very shocked. We were laughing with each other the other day and she was like, ‘Can y’all believe it? I was the anti – like no children for me,’ and she’s the first one [of us to have a baby],” Williams said. “So it was so amazing to see her.”

Williams, who already spent time with “the bundle of joy,” says Beyoncé and Jay-Z’s little chart topper just might be the most stylish baby on the scene.

After all, she has Kelly and Michelle looking after her!

Yeah, ok, ladies.

In other Beyonce news, her bouncing baby girl, Blue Ivy, has her very own strain of marijuana named after her! Jealous!

Recently, several weed dispensaries in Los Angeles have started selling the new strain of weed called “OG Blue Ivy,” with one dispensary tweeting about a special deal ($20 a gram and $55 an eighth #newstrain). Needless to say, Beyoncé and Jay-Z haven’t given the thumbs up to this particular endorsement, but they can’t be too happy about their daughter’s name being used to push pot.

Man, is Blue Ivy everywhere or what? Not even two weeks old, and this girl is poised to rule the world.

Now if we could only see some photographic evidence that she actually exists …

Of course you do, silly! You want to see every inch of that private suite where Beyonce‘s baby, Blue Ivy, came into this world. Or where we’re supposed to believe she came into the world. Or whatever. Yes, you want to see all the flat screen televisions and the private kitchen … yeah, it actually has those things.

From TMZ:

Lenox Hill Hospital constructed a suite for VIPs which looks like a Four Seasons penthouse … and the room was christened Saturday when Beyonce gave birth.

TMZ has obtained photos of the room where Blue Ivy came into this world, and it’s baller. There are 4 flat screen TV’s, state of the art electronics, a kitchenette, nice art, mahogany walls and plush furnishings. And take a look at the bed where Jay Z got some shut eye!

Sources connected with the hospital tell TMZ … the suite was not constructed specifically for Beyonce, but it was always intended that Beyonce would be the first patient to use it.

Well, at least they didn’t get an entire wing, which is what the first reports said. It still seems kind of excessive though, doesn’t it? You’re having a child, not moving into an apartment. It’s wasteful, is what it is. Harrumph.

Speaking of harrumphs, did you hear that the New York Health Department investigated all those complaints people made about the star treatment Beyonce and Jay-Z got during their stay at the hospital? Well, the health department dismissed those complaints and shut down their investigation, but it turns out that the hospital itself is starting up its own “internal investigation into allegations about the mistreatment of maternity patients.” Here’s hoping somebody gets their comeuppance!

In other Beyonce baby news, you remember that song that Jay-Z released a few seconds after Blue Ivy was born, “Glory”? Yeah, thanks to that little ditty, Blue has beat the world record for the youngest person to have a song on the Billboard charts. For real. This girl is six days old and she’s already on the charts. Are you reconsidering every choice you’ve ever made too?

But really, all this talk is irrelevant. We shouldn’t be complaining about the shamefully excessive nature of the hospital suite or how absurd it is that this tiny baby is on the Billboard charts. What we should really be concerned about is that apparently this baby is actually Satan:

Talk about putting things into perspective, right?

Images courtesy of TMZ

“Hello Hello Baby Blue! We are happy to announce the arrival of our beautiful daughter, Blue Ivy Carter, born on Saturday, January 7, 2012. Her birth was emotional and extremely peaceful, we are in heaven. She was delivered naturally at a healthy 7 lbs and it was the best experience of both of our lives. We are thankful to everyone for all your prayers, well wishes, love and support.”

So, wait a damned second now. Where does the business of having an abdomen cut open come into play? Because originally, didn’t baby Blue allegedly enter the world through a manufactured opening somewhere in Beyonce’s midsection, and not through the Tunnel of Love? So, OK. Wait a damned second. She allegedly didn’t want to ruin her body by being pregnant with the baby, but it’s totally alright to stretch her vagina to hell and back to accommodate an allegedly-fake baby? Heavens.

I don’t know about all of you, but I’m tired, friends. I’m tired of speculating about whether or not Beyonce had an engorged lump of human underneath her dresses in all of those pictures or whether it was some kind of cheap pool toy, and I’m just flat-out exhausted when I start to consider the many options that may have been chosen if Beyonce didn’t actually carry her own child (I mean, did she adopt through an agency? Adopt through another pregnant lady? Adopt via Bey ‘n Jay zygote implantation into a host mother?). Honestly, after this huge emotional blow, I’m really just ready to give up.

Me, I say we all give it a good few years, allow this whole situation to breathe and evolve, and then actually see what this kid ends up looking like. Because truly, guys, I just don’t have the dedication to good old Beyonce here to continue wondering what the big deal is behind every single thing she does with this child and to analyze every cryptic statement that’s been made to date. I just don’t think I’m cut out for that kind of mystery, folks.

That little video up there is the newest song from Jay-Z. It was released today, it’s called “Glory,” and it’s all about little Blue Ivy. It even samples the baby crying after delivery. It’s actually kind of sweet! Well, except the line “you’re my child with the child from Destiny’s Child,” that’s absolutely embarrassing, but hey! I imagine Jay wrote in a pinch, right?

But wait, what about this little line?

“Last time the miscarriage was so tragic

We was afraid you’d disappear

But nah baby you magic.”

That’s a bit heartbreaking, and it makes me think so much more of Jay and Beyonce that they didn’t, I don’t know, make a video with images of the deceased baby and post it online. But there’s this tiny part of me, this little awful cynic, that’s like “wait, for real?” Because it’s going to be super hard for me to believe anything this couple says from here on out, and I’m sorry if that makes me insensitive, but come on now.

Speaking of insensitive, you know who is also insensitive to Bey and Jay right now? All the other people who happened to have babies on the same weekend as Beyonce’s surrogate:

A Brooklyn man claims increased security at Lenox Hill hospital — because of the presence of Beyonce and Jay-Z — kept him from seeing his prematurely born twins … this according to a report.

Neil Coulon tells the NY Daily News he has been repeatedly kept out of the neonatal intensive care unit (NICU) by the couple’s security. He also claims his relatives were booted out of the waiting room by bodyguards wearing headsets.

He tells the paper, “Three times they stopped me from entering or exiting the NICU and it happened once on Friday — just because they wanted to use the hallway.”

Oh, silly man, how did you not know that Beyonce’s baby is more important than your own? You should have thought things through a little more when you and your partner decided to have babies. This is on you, Neil Coulon. This is all on you.

Meanwhile, a group of new mothers are threatening to sue the hospital for similar reasons:

Sources at Lenox Hill Hospital in NYC tell TMZ … the mothers have been gathering at a breastfeeding class at the hospital … and in between latching techniques, they’ve been griping about the way they’ve been treated during the celebrity lockdown.

We’re told the mothers feel they’ve been “neglected” by hospital staff … and now they’re discussing the possibility of filing a lawsuit against LHH.

According to NYDailyNews.com, Bey and Jay-Z dropped $1.3 mil to seal off a private wing of the hospital … with private security roaming all over the place.

Our sources say several mothers have been seen arguing with Bey’s security people … accusing the hired muscle of being “extremely rude.”

Still, we’re told the mothers are not mad at Bey and Jay — directing the blame solely at the people who run the hospital.

One source tells us, “Someone at the hospital should be protecting us patients.”

Does anyone else think that sounds like the plot of a really awesome movie?

One more thing: Beyonce and Jay-Z just released a statement about the birth:

“Hello Hello Baby Blue! We are happy to announce the arrival of our beautiful daughter, Blue Ivy Carter, born on Saturday, January 7, 2012. Her birth was emotional and extremely peaceful, we are in heaven. She was delivered naturally at a healthy 7 lbs and it was the best experience of both of our lives.We are thankful to everyone for all your prayers, well wishes, love and support. Beyoncé & Jay-Z.”

So she was born naturally now?  Can someone please keep their story straight?

Beyonce’s baby is barely two days old and already causing problems — a Boston-area event planning company has been FLOODED with calls because its name is also Blue Ivy!

Veronica Alexandra, owner of Blue Ivy, tells TMZ she’s been getting phone calls, texts and Facebook posts from friends ever since the baby’s name was announced. She jokingly feels Beyonce must have known about her company, because before this weekend … her site came up first when someone Googled “Blue Ivy.”

Alexandra says she’d LOVE to plan all of Blue Ivy’s milestone celebrations and thinks B.I. should even be the face of the company. She tells us, “Clearly great minds think alike, and who better than our Blue Ivy to plan events for B&J’s Blue Ivy!?”

OK, this might be one of THE dumbest things I’ve ever heard. Not that Beyonce named her baby “Blue Ivy” (though I did like Ivy Blue much, much more), and not that there’s a same-name company in Boston, but that people are actually “flooding” Blue Ivy’s telephone lines with calls. I mean, about what? “Did you heeear? Beyonce named her baby after your company!” or “OMG is BEYONCE THERE?” “Can you tell me what room number JAY-Z is in?” “Where can I send the newborn some FLOWERS AND BLING?”

For real, what the hell could these calls have been about? And is it me, or do people seem to have WAY too much time on their hands these days that they can justify siting about, Googling Beyonce’s daughter’s name so they can call the first affiliated telephone number they can find? What’s wrong with these people? This might be one of the dumbest things I’ve heard in a long time.

Enlighten me, friends. If, for some reason, you thought it prudent to contact the Blue Ivy catering business because of Beyonce and her new child, what would you say? Bring the originality, folks.

Since the wee hours of this morning when I brought you the miraculous news that the child of Beyonce is finally among us, a lot has happened. Actually, not much has happened, but we know quite a bit more about things. Are you ready? Let’s dive in.

First of all, remember when I couldn’t say for sure if the little girl’s name is Ivy Blue or Blue Ivy? I’m now pretty certain that the baby’s name is Blue Ivy Carter. My certainty comes from a tweet by Gwyneth Paltrow:

Welcome to the world Blue! We love you already.

But why Blue Ivy, you might be wondering? Why name a baby Blue (LOL)? Well, somebody’s already broken that down for us as well:

The number “4″ and color “blue” play an important role in the baby’s name. Let’s start with “4,” the lucky number for Beyonce (at least the singer likes to think that). She even named her fourth studio album “4.” Also, “Iv” in the name denotes the roman numeral “4.” Sounds interesting? Well there’s more.

“We all have special numbers in our lives, and 4 is that for me. It’s the day I was born. My mother’s birthday, and a lot of my friends’ birthdays, are on the fourth; April 4 is my wedding date,” she told Billboard. In addition, it’s also husband Jay-Z’s birthdate (Dec. 4).

Now let’s come to “Blue.” It is hip-hop hubby Jay-Z’s favorite color. He called his sixth studio album “Blueprint.” Thus, the baby girl gets the touch of the favorites of her mom and dad.

That’s sweet, I reckon.  Sweet enough to make up for naming your child Blue?  At this point, who knows?

But what about the birth itself? We don’t really know all the much, because Beyonce got that hospital locked down in preparation for the delivery. Bey did not want anyone to catch a glimpse of her surrogate, and they made damn sure that no one did:

A very pregnant Beyoncé had checked into the upper East Side hospital on Friday night under the name “Ingrid Jackson,” a hospital staffer told the Daily News.

Beyoncé and her hip-hop hubby, whose real name is Shawn Carter, rented out the hospital’s entire fourth floor for $1.3 million, the employee said.

On Saturday night, people were seen bringing bags of takeout and a dozen bottles of red wine onto the heavily guarded hospital wing.

After 11 p.m., even doctors and nurses were barred from entering the fourth floor, prompting one doc to complain that he had patients to see.

In an effort to keep images from leaking to the public, hospital workers placed tape over security cameras and are forcing employees to turn in cell phones when they arrive for their shifts, a source said.

Ok, I know that these are really private people, and with such a high profile pregnancy, it would be understandable to be worried about paparazzi or people creeping to get a picture of your baby. But this sounds a bit excessive, doesn’t it? Renting out an entire floor of a hospital so you can completely ensure your privacy? Don’t hospitals typically use all their floors for, like, patients and stuff? And wouldn’t covering up security cameras be a little dangerous? SO MANY QUESTIONS!

Take some time to mull all this over, then, if you can, get back to me. I think we can come up with some good stuff together, guys, I really do.

And goodness, what a ride it’s been, huh? From the adorable announcement that Beyonce was with child to all the doubts that Beyonce was with child, you can’t say that this pregnancy hasn’t been interesting. But now it’s all coming to an end, because yesterday, the child was born.

You guys, it’s a girl!

Ivy Blue Carter came into this world by c-section on Saturday, and this girl’s already getting shout-outs. Check out this tweet from Rihanna:

Welcome to the world princess Carter! Love Aunty Rih

So what I’m saying is, it’s looking pretty official. And, oh my goodness, there is just so much to discuss, isn’t there? Like up in that first paragraph when I said “it’s all coming to an end,” you should have been like “girl, please,” because shit is going to get real.

First of all, let’s talk about the c-section factor. See, I’ve been around the block a few times, and I’ve seen a good few c-section scars. Those things are noticeable. And not in a bad way, I’m not trying to shame you if you have one – my mom has one, it was my gateway into this world – but what I’m saying is that when you see a scar from a c-section, you know where it’s from. There ain’t no two ways about it. And I’m sure that Beyonce has the financial means and the clout to get awesome plastic surgeons, but according to my mom and this really strange girl I went to high school with who apparently thinks it’s ok to lift up your shirt and pull your pants down a little in a bar to overshare with a girl you were never that close to in the first place, that scar’s not going anywhere. Is there any truth to that? Because I don’t think Beyonce can go the rest of her life without showing her midsection in public, so I’m wondering if it’s safe to say that if we don’t see any hint of a scar, we can confirm that this pregnancy was bullshit.

Next, let’s move right along to some more speculation. How long do you think it will be until we see any pictures? Are we all going to be talking about how incredible it was that Beyonce lost all that baby weight so fast? ARE WE EVER GOING TO KNOW THE TRUTH?

Finally, of course we have to talk about the name: Ivy Blue Carter. Or, well, it might actually be Blue Ivy Carter: TMZ and E! are reporting two different things, but either way, do you like it? Personally, I think they should have gone with Tiana May and called it a day. Ivy Blue reminds me of either some jazz club or a young adult novel or a young adult novel about a jazz club, I’m not entirely sure which. Really, it could have been a whole lot worse.

And so now you’re all up to date on the state of Beyonce’s womb! You’re welcome, and have a wonderful day!

Me, I picked Courtney Stodden. Not only is she a true American, as you can see in the classy photo above, but we could trade makeup tips, she could show me where to get cool and stylish arm bands, and I could figure out the best, most tactful way to tell her that none of her shoes fit and it looks gross. Yes, Courtney Stodden would make a fine, fine neighbor.

But you know what? Apparently this real estate blog called Zillow does this survey every year in which they ask people which celebrity they would most like to have as a neighbor and which celebrity would be the absolute worst neighbor. And you know who was named the most desirable neighbor? The person who most people would want to have next door? Tim Tebow. Ugh, can you imagine? How boring. I’d be like “Tim, if I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times, if you’re going to kneel and pray again, do it in your own damn yard.”

Still, good ol’ Tebow managed to bring in 11% of votes. Brad and Angelina weren’t far behind though: they got 10%. Following Brangelina was Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux at 9%, Jennifer Lopez with 6%, Beyonce and Jay-Z with 5%, and for whatever reason, Nancy Grace and Kim Kardashian tied with 4% of the votes. The remainder of the vote was split between “other” and “none of the above,” though I can’t figure out why the survey would have both of those choices.

But what about the survey for the least desirable neighbor? How would that vote turn out? For me, my neighbors in real life have had loud screaming matches that I can hear every word of from my apartment (it’s two couples living in a two bedroom apartment, and one of the dudes has a lady on the side that his lady in the apartment has a pretty good idea about), they do laundry for 40 hours straight (I counted), and they left dog feces wrapped in a napkin in front of our window, and that was just this week! So I can’t really think of any celebrity worse than that, so … wait. Courtney Love sets things on fire in her home. That might be worse.

According to America, however, the cast of Jersey Shore win the highest honors with 28% of voters naming them the worst neighbors. Next is Charlie Sheen with 21%, Lindsay Lohan with 14%, Kim Kardashian with 13%, Nancy Grace and Brad and Angelina are tied at 3%, Anthony Weiner had 2% of votes, and the rest, again, were either “other” or “none of the above.”

But what about you, friends? Is there any celebrity that you think would be a delight to have as a neighbor, or any that would be absolutely horrible? Are you still trying to figure out why any number of people would want to live next to Jennifer Lopez? Because I’m there too. We don’t have to be alone in this.