Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Audrina Patridge

How Do We Feel About Audrina Patridge in a Bikini?

photo of audrina patridge in a bikini on the beach pictures photos

I’m going to be honest here (as if you’d expect anything less from me): I don’t get the Audrina hype. She’s touted all over magazine covers and men’s forums as being, like, ‘soooo hot,’ and having one of the most fit, perfect bikini bodies of all time forever and ever amen, but I just don’t get it. Granted, I’m not HATING on her for it, because I’m sure she looks better in a bikini than I do, but I’m not parading around like I’m God’s gift to men and Maxim, though, either. I just don’t see the appeal of bolt-on boobs on an otherwise-average body. I mean, is that what’s driving her bodily success? The boobs? Because if it is … man. I guess we really ARE in a lot of collective trouble, then, aren’t we?

Strictly for the record: how do we feel about Audrina Patridge in her two-piece?

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Love It or Leave It: Audrina Patridge for Bongo

photo of audrina patridge in a bikini for bongo pictures

OK so today’s a pretty slow news day, unless you want to talk about Lindsay Lohan’s jewel-heisting ways or how dead Charlie Sheen is going to be by this time next year, all I’ve got is Audrina ‘Your Mom is More Entertaining‘ Patridge and her big old boobs, which scored her a spokespersonship for Bongo.

All there is to it is boobs, boobs, boobs. And what better a thing to look at on a slow, cold-probably-regardless-of-where-you-are Thursday?

Oh, and Audrina herself – hot or not? And Bongo, I mean hell … I was good friends with Bongo back in 7th grade. Is Bongo, like, actually cool anymore?

There Are More Assholes on This Year’s Dancing With the Stars Than I Can Shake a Stick At

Oh, Lordy. Have you heard the partial list of who’s appearing on this upcoming season of Dancing With the Stars? Because it’s a doozy. A motherfucking doozy. Like, ‘doozy’ as in ‘you can’t swing a dead cat without hitting some of the most obnoxious people on the planet.’

In order of best to worst, I give you the almost-complete list of DWTS contenders.

Kurt Warner – an NFL player who helped win the Superbowl back in 1998. I don’t know much about him, and I’m not going to Google him because, frankly, I’m not interested in finding anything out. Point is, DWTS has its token athlete, like it or not, and that’s just fine by me.

Audrina Patridge – Oh, for crying out loud. Watching this woman dance onstage is going to be akin to watching a blind man crossing the street. To music.

Brandy – Maybe she can spend the entire season telling the paparazzi to lay off of her, and bloggers to leave her alone — or better yet, she can pull a Kate Gosselin and do her little “Paparazzi” dance. That’d go over well. And it’d be poetic, too, because Brandy actually meant something to Hollywood once. You know, back when ‘That Boy is Mine’ was cool and it was the ‘in’ thing to do to star in movies like I Still Know What You Did Last Summer (and yes, I really did like those movies).

Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino – As I’m sure you can understand, I’m really, really looking forward to seeing Mike Sorrentino’s greasy abs ‘creep’ and ‘beat up the beat’ all over the stage, ’cause he’s so underexposed as it is. And you know this shithead is going to win. You just KNOW it. He’ll probably pull Chippendale moves every week, because that’ll mean he’ll only have to wear a bowtie and no shirt. Uh, bonus?

So thanks, ABC. I didn’t watch Dancing With the Stars before, and I’m definitely not going to start now.