Oh, Lordy. Have you heard the partial list of who’s appearing on this upcoming season of Dancing With the Stars? Because it’s a doozy. A motherfucking doozy. Like, ‘doozy’ as in ‘you can’t swing a dead cat without hitting some of the most obnoxious people on the planet.’
In order of best to worst, I give you the almost-complete list of DWTS contenders.
Kurt Warner – an NFL player who helped win the Superbowl back in 1998. I don’t know much about him, and I’m not going to Google him because, frankly, I’m not interested in finding anything out. Point is, DWTS has its token athlete, like it or not, and that’s just fine by me.
Audrina Patridge – Oh, for crying out loud. Watching this woman dance onstage is going to be akin to watching a blind man crossing the street. To music.
Brandy – Maybe she can spend the entire season telling the paparazzi to lay off of her, and bloggers to leave her alone — or better yet, she can pull a Kate Gosselin and do her little “Paparazzi” dance. That’d go over well. And it’d be poetic, too, because Brandy actually meant something to Hollywood once. You know, back when ‘That Boy is Mine’ was cool and it was the ‘in’ thing to do to star in movies like I Still Know What You Did Last Summer (and yes, I really did like those movies).
Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino – As I’m sure you can understand, I’m really, really looking forward to seeing Mike Sorrentino’s greasy abs ‘creep’ and ‘beat up the beat’ all over the stage, ’cause he’s so underexposed as it is. And you know this shithead is going to win. You just KNOW it. He’ll probably pull Chippendale moves every week, because that’ll mean he’ll only have to wear a bowtie and no shirt. Uh, bonus?
So thanks, ABC. I didn’t watch Dancing With the Stars before, and I’m definitely not going to start now.