Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Audrina Patridge

How Do We Feel About Audrina Patridge in a Bikini?

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I’m going to be honest here (as if you’d expect anything less from me): I don’t get the Audrina hype. She’s touted all over magazine covers and men’s forums as being, like, ‘soooo hot,’ and having one of the most fit, perfect bikini bodies of all time forever and ever amen, but I just don’t get it. Granted, I’m not HATING on her for it, because I’m sure she looks better in a bikini than I do, but I’m not parading around like I’m God’s gift to men and Maxim, though, either. I just don’t see the appeal of bolt-on boobs on an otherwise-average body. I mean, is that what’s driving her bodily success? The boobs? Because if it is … man. I guess we really ARE in a lot of collective trouble, then, aren’t we?

Strictly for the record: how do we feel about Audrina Patridge in her two-piece?

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Love It or Leave It: Audrina Patridge for Bongo

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OK so today’s a pretty slow news day, unless you want to talk about Lindsay Lohan’s jewel-heisting ways or how dead Charlie Sheen is going to be by this time next year, all I’ve got is Audrina ‘Your Mom is More Entertaining‘ Patridge and her big old boobs, which scored her a spokespersonship for Bongo.

All there is to it is boobs, boobs, boobs. And what better a thing to look at on a slow, cold-probably-regardless-of-where-you-are Thursday?

Oh, and Audrina herself – hot or not? And Bongo, I mean hell … I was good friends with Bongo back in 7th grade. Is Bongo, like, actually cool anymore?

There Are More Assholes on This Year’s Dancing With the Stars Than I Can Shake a Stick At

Oh, Lordy. Have you heard the partial list of who’s appearing on this upcoming season of Dancing With the Stars? Because it’s a doozy. A motherfucking doozy. Like, ‘doozy’ as in ‘you can’t swing a dead cat without hitting some of the most obnoxious people on the planet.’

In order of best to worst, I give you the almost-complete list of DWTS contenders.

Kurt Warner – an NFL player who helped win the Superbowl back in 1998. I don’t know much about him, and I’m not going to Google him because, frankly, I’m not interested in finding anything out. Point is, DWTS has its token athlete, like it or not, and that’s just fine by me.

Audrina Patridge – Oh, for crying out loud. Watching this woman dance onstage is going to be akin to watching a blind man crossing the street. To music.

Brandy – Maybe she can spend the entire season telling the paparazzi to lay off of her, and bloggers to leave her alone — or better yet, she can pull a Kate Gosselin and do her little “Paparazzi” dance. That’d go over well. And it’d be poetic, too, because Brandy actually meant something to Hollywood once. You know, back when ‘That Boy is Mine’ was cool and it was the ‘in’ thing to do to star in movies like I Still Know What You Did Last Summer (and yes, I really did like those movies).

Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino – As I’m sure you can understand, I’m really, really looking forward to seeing Mike Sorrentino’s greasy abs ‘creep’ and ‘beat up the beat’ all over the stage, ’cause he’s so underexposed as it is. And you know this shithead is going to win. You just KNOW it. He’ll probably pull Chippendale moves every week, because that’ll mean he’ll only have to wear a bowtie and no shirt. Uh, bonus?

So thanks, ABC. I didn’t watch Dancing With the Stars before, and I’m definitely not going to start now.

The Hills Finale Party: One Billion Photos!

We’re a day late on these, and I apologize, but I swear I couldn’t find them on the photo services until tonight.

All our favorite Hills castmembers were there: Audrina! Stephanie! Lo! Brody! Holly! Kristen! COCAINE! (not pictured)

And LAUREN CONRAD, who looks fucking fantastic and happy and wonderful and OMG I love you so much Lauren Conrad. There was NEVER a show after you left! And you are BY FAR the most beautiful of all these people and it doesn’t look like you’ve had a stitch of work done. I’m so happy for you that you ditched this train before it wrecked.

Conspicuously absent: Heidi and Spencer. Because they’re fucking insane and weren’t invited. Seriously, though, I was talking with a girlfriend yesterday about how freakin’ tragic it is for Heidi that this show ever happened to her. Like, she was this perfectly nice, cute girl from Colorado with a lovely future ahead of her who is now pretty much the textbook definition of what it looks like when someone gets sucked into Hollywood. Her face and body are mutilated. Her family hates her. Her marriage was a sham and her “husband” is a candidate for a lobotomy. I hate to say it, but I feel awful for her. I don’t know how you even begin to pick up the pieces after your life has become so shattered.

Lastly: I hate Kristin Cavallari as much as the next person, but I would give up a finger or two for her legs. This bitch gives Jen Aniston a run for her money.

The Avatar Premiere Was a Dress Disaster

Everyone at this LA premiere was dressed like the ’80s came back and they were angry. Ahem.

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Audrina Patridge: FAIL. I’m itchy and hot just looking at that get-up.

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Michelle Rodriguez: GIANT FAIL. She looks like she rolled out of bed and went to try on prom dresses at Forever 21.

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Zoe Saldana: It’s like Tonya Harding got a hold of a perfectly nice dress and asked herself how she could add a little more “white trash” to it. Haaaate it so much, but Zoe’s so damn beautiful she can get away with almost anything. Almost.

Celebrity Burglar Is In It For The Clothes

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Rachel J. Lee, a 19 year old from Calabasas, CA, along with several of her girlfriends, has been arrested for breaking in to and then looting the closets of several celebrity homes in the past year. Lindsay Lohan, Audrina Patridge, Paris Hilton , Orlando Bloom and Kourtney Kardashian have all had similar break-ins occur at their houses– there were no electronics stolen (which is usually the first thing a burglar would grab), mainly clothing, jewelry and handbags. Not exactly the most lucrative loot jobs, basically.

This isn’t the first time Lee’s been motivated to break the law for vanity sake either. A couple years ago she was caught shoplifting from Sephora. OK, so that’s a little different than finding someone’s home via star maps and the internet and then checking their appearance schedule to best guess what time they’d be out of the house and then breaking in and stealing all their clothes, but there’s a theme here. Also, it probably doesn’t do Rachel a whole lot of good that she’s high school pals with the man formally charged with the Lohan and Patridge burglaries.

It kinda makes me sad to think about these girls so desperate to dress like a celebrity that they actually steal their clothing. The materialism disgusts me. What’s wrong with some $24 shoes from T.J. Maxx and a Hanes v-neck and the jeans with the tiny hole ripped in the ass because you’ve had them for so long? These girls are 18 and 19 years old, they should be running around topless, celebrating their young bodies and free minds. But no! They’re taking the easy way out and breaking in to multi-million dollar homes owned by celebrities they admire and stealing their t-shirts and headbands. Teenagers are so bad these days, you guys. I can’t handle it. They should be at the beach.

Quotables

“I almost felt like it was unfair for [MTV] to come into our lives at such a young age and sort of mess with things. I don’t regret it, but I was 17 — of course I wanted to be on TV. I felt like they should have been a little bit more careful with us.”

Kristin Cavallari talks to the LA Times with the most useful thing to come out of her mouth since John Mayer’s penis. (What? Sure, he’s a jackass, but from what I hear his penis is very useful.)

As Molls mentioned earlier today, the ubiquitously hated Kristin takes over as the star of The Hills tonight. Unlike Molls, I’m not a Kristin Cavallari fan (and I think she planted those John Mayer rumors herself). That said, I will probably watch The Hills tonight for the first time in years, just to watch Audrina in a huff over whatever dumb, fake shit Kristin does. Because in the battle of annoyingness, Audrina is actually beating Kristin these days in my mind. And plus, have you seen the trailer? (It’s above.)

Something tells me this show’s gonna see killer ratings tonight. And that is going to PISS OFF Miz Lauren Conrad. I can’t wait for her statement about how she’s very happy the show is so successful without her but she’s really sad for Kristin that she has to be such a bitch all the time to stay famous. It’s coming, believe it.