Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Ashton Kutcher

Mila Kunis is Probably Already Sick of Ashton Kutcher’s Sh-t

[Image removed upon request] But of course, how could she not be? He‘s allowed to walk around looking like this ^^ while she’s supposed to have full f-cking airbrush makeup on while exercising instead of looking like … well, this? Sure, that’s fair. Completely fair.

But even though you might want to chalk Mila’s “whatever” face up to the idea that maybe Ashton’s just talking about the fat grams in his turkey sausage bagel, let me tell you, it’s not. No, that picture up there is pretty priceless—it says a lot. It actually says things like how Mila’s probably got the upper hand in this situation, and how she’s really only using Ashton for sex and maybe a little public humiliation. It says how Ashton is just a miserable asshole who doesn’t even look happy when his girlfriend looks like this, and just how pathetic that is:

photo of mila and ashton on vacation brazil pics
See? Damned if you do, damned if you don’t. All I know is that if you can’t please everyone, then you should probably just punch Ashton Kutcher in the face, because that seems appropriate in almost any circumstance.

Ashton’s Mad at Mila for Looking Like This

photo of mila kunis looking rough pictures
So take it with a grain of salt, but hey. From Star Magazine:

When Ashton Kutcher started dating Mila Kunis earlier this year, he thought he’d hit the romantic jackpot – not only was she Esquire’s Sexiest Woman Alive in 2012, he’s been crushing on her ever since their days as costars on That ‘70s Show. But as the couple’s relationship has grown, so has Mila – to the tune of nearly 50 lbs, much of it put on for her upcoming film Blood Ties – and insiders say Ashton’s feeling uneasy about his girlfriend’s transformation.

“When they started dating, he thought Mila was one of the hottest girls in the world,” a source tells Star. “But in the eight months or so they’ve been together, she’s totally let herself go.”

A big part of the issue – perhaps even more than her dress size – is Mila’s increasingly frumpy appearance. Mila has been photographed looking tired in baggy sweats and no makeup consistently.

“When Ashton broke up with wife Demi Moore, he was ready to have a relationship with a low maintenance girl, but now he’s saying Mila is TOO low maintenance,” says our source. “Demi may have been crazy, but she always made sure to look good for Ashton, whereas Mila acts like she couldn’t care less.”

When Ashton dropped a major hint recently in the form of a $250,000 Christmas makeover package, Mila took the gift as a huge insult. “She told Ashton is he wanted a fake, plastic girl, he should have stayed with Demi. That’s when he snapped and told her, ‘You’re worse than Demi!’”

Oh burn. “You’re worse than Demi“? Who the f-ck says that? Oh, right—Ashton Kutcher allegedly does. And though it’s Star, I can still kind of see this being a real thing. Ashton definitely seems to be the type to bail on a girl who isn’t looking her best at all times, and yeah, Star has posted a lot of incredible shit over the years, but this is still probably the most believable thing they’ve run with.

Whatever, though. No surprise. Ashton’s totally That Douche who wants nothing more than a hot, relevant trophy wife and a hot nobody to bang on the side. If Mila‘s OK with that then these two might have a shot. If not? Well. You saw how quickly Ashton moved on post-Demi—I don’t think Mila would really be any different in Ashton’s eyes anyway.

Demi Moore Was “Shocked” That Ashton Kutcher Filed for Divorce

A photo of Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore

Yeah, I don’t know. “Shocked” doesn’t really seem like the right word here, does it? Like, Demi probably would have been shocked if Ashton had filed for divorce about two years ago, but since they’ve been separated for over a year, and since Ashton has a brand new relationship that’s been going strong for a few months now (Ashton brought Mila Kunis home to Iowa for Christmas, by the way), it just doesn’t seem all that shocking.

But here’s the deal:

Even though they separated more than a year ago, Demi Moore was described as being “shocked” when her estranged hubby Ashton Kutcher filed for divorce last Friday, according to a new report.

Despite this, in just-released photos taken only two days after Kutcher filed papers in Los Angeles Superior Court to formally end his marriage, the Ghost star appeared in good spirits as she shopped with a companion in Los Angeles Sunday.

Moore  – who’s endured a tough year, which included a stint in rehab and estrangement from her three daughters, Rumer, Tallulah and Scout — had been hoping to quietly settle with her cheating husband and then file divorce papers, according to Wednesday’s edition of The New York Post. “Demi had hoped to negotiate a financial settlement quietly,” a source told Page Six, “and then file paperwork afterwards to show the matter had been settled.”

But, the source added, the negotiations got too bogged down and Kutcher — TV’s highest- paid actor — became frustrated and pulled the trigger earlier. “Demi was asking for so much money, and [the negotiation] was dragging on so long, that Kutcher got fed up and filed papers, which means their divorce negotiations will become more public.”

I’m not an Ashton Kutcher fan by any means, but I do kind of feel sorry for him. All he wants to do is get divorced from the wife he cheated on without giving her too much money so he can get married to a brand new wife to cheat on, is that so much to ask for? Poor, poor Ashton.

Ashton Kutcher Finally Got Sick of Demi Moore’s Sh-t, Filed for Divorce

photo of demi moore and ashton kutcher pictures
From People:

Ashton Kutcher has filed for divorce from Demi Moore.

The papers were filed Friday in Los Angeles Superior Court. Kutcher, 34, citing irreconcilable differences, isn’t seeking any spousal support nor is he asking the court to deny Moore any. The documents also show that because the couple had no children together, child support and visitation are not an issue.

So it’s about one of three things, by my best guess. One, Ashton wants to up and marry his long-time love, Mila Kunis, and he can’t very well do that while he’s still married to Demi Moore; two, Ashton’s sick of being tied to a trainwreck, no matter how far removed; or three, he’s just one of those procrastinating type of people, and if that’s the case, that shit really gets on my nerves.

Oh, wait, right. No, the fact that he cheated on Demi to begin with, abused her trust and feelings, and then rebounded with chicks mere weeks after being kicked out of his house. No, you’re totally right—that’s the kind of shit that really gets on my nerves.

Demi might be an unstable dumbass, but Ashton Kutcher is the devil, guys. And a stupid devil, at that.

Demi Moore And Ashton Kutcher Aren’t Even Trying to Get Divorced

A photo of Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore

It seems like it’s been a good long while since Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher split up, huh? That’s because it’s been a whole year. It was last November that Demi announced her decision to leave Ashton, but it was back in September when we learned that Ashton had been having an affair. So really, this whole thing has been a mess for well over a year. So why aren’t they divorced yet?

Because they’re not doing anything. They haven’t discussed who gets what or how the money is going to be split. There are no papers. They haven’t even discussed anything with their lawyers yet. They’re just hanging out, still legally married, still legally cool, while Ashton knocks up his old costars. Sounds super healthy.

The rumor was that Ashton and Demi just had their Kabbalah wedding, but they never legally got married. But somebody with a lot of dedication found some documents that proved that wasn’t the case. So what’s the deal? Here’s another rumor: Ashton has a ton of money, and he just doesn’t want to give it up in a messy divorce. How noble.

How are any of the ladies in Ashton’s life even cool with this?

Mila Kunis is Probably Going to Have Ashton Kutcher’s Baby

photo of ashton kutcher and mila kunis baby bump pictures
Oh hey, look! Something interesting that involves both Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher! And it would appear that Mila Kunis is sporting a pretty serious baby bump, huh? Yeah, she tends to carry most of any weight gain in her midsection (see that movie that she had to “fatten up” for or whatever), but this is just … well I think it’s unmistakable to call it an early baby bump. And if that’s the case? Wow, man. Talk about throwing a bombshell right in the face of poor Demi Moore. Disastrous, really.

Oh, and speaking of disaster? Seriously, I’m writing this post on Sunday night, because for now, I still have both electric and internet, which is a lot more than what some other people in the general region have right now, even though I probably shouldn’t. In case you didn’t hear, the east coast is being battered by Hurricane Sandy, and oh yeah, the latest news says she might be making landfall a block over from me sometime between this afternoon and Tuesday morning. Super, huh? Who knows. Maybe it’s karma. Maybe I should have been a little nicer to all of these celebrities, huh?

Any intermittent posting is a direct result of Sandy, so you can blame that lousy, stinking, sucking whore for f-cking up the whole mess.

Good luck and God speed to those in the path of this bitch—I don’t know what’s scarier at this point; the fact that Ashton Kutcher might be a father soon, or the hurricane itself.

Ashton Kutcher Has “Always Had A Thing” for Mila Kunis

A photo of Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis

From Us Weekly:

Still going strong after five months!

Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis have recently been parading their relationship around NYC. The 34-year-old actor, still separated from Demi Moore, has been living with his onetime That ’70s Show costar, 29, while she films The Angriest Man in Brooklyn in the city.

“He always had a thing for her,” a source told Us Weekly. “It’s a real infatuation.”

On Sept. 17, the pair of five months fed each other brunch across the table at NYC’s Philip Marie restaurant — then cuddled up on a boulder for an extended smooching session in Central Park.

“They only saw each other,” a witness said of the duo. “Nothing else seemed to matter.”

While a source told Us that Kunis “isn’t sure this will last,” the Friends With Benefits actress is “going for it.”

Let’s do some creepy math, all right? The story from Us Weekly mentioned that Ashton Kutcher is 34 and Mila Kunis is 29. Totally cool, right? But That ’70s Show, where Ashton and Mila met, premiered in 1998. When Ashton was 19. And Mila was 14. And Ashton has “always had a thing for her.” Ewwwww.

But hey, is there anyone who looks at this relationship and feels any sort of positive feelings about it? Or even neutral feelings? Like, is anyone not disturbed by these two dating? Because I always feel this huge urge to slap Mila Kunis and tell her to run for the hills. Is that normal?